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User Topic: How to handle mom
Hopeful Lady
Member # 30441
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

My mom treated me badly my whole life. Calling me names, etc. She had no reason to treat me so meanly. I always did exactly what she said. I could not have bahaved any better by any standard. She also used to hit me frequently for the most minor issues.

She treated my sister very well. As adults we are still treated very differently.

She enjoys trying to guilt me into doing what she wants. If I resist she lashes out and lays on the guilt. She knows no limits.

I have accepted that I have the mom that I have. I dont want to cut her out completely but how do I handle her manipulation.

[This message edited by Hopeful Lady at 10:05 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2010
Hopeful Lady
Member # 30441
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Another example that makes me said I had to pay for my wedding which I did but she later spent thousands on my sisters. Mom even boasts about how much she spent on sisters wedding.

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Sent a PM.

When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3777 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Divorce her. Seriously. You don''t need toxic people in your life. If she is one of them, divorce her. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I'm with Skan.

I had to excise my father from my life, and while it was excruciating, it was tremendously liberating and healing.

Now, after almost 10 years, I can talk with him periodically. Detachment works wonders.

I have to admit that having siblings who support and agree with this estrangement (and who have themselves either cut ties) made it much easier to do so. We all had VERY different relationships with him. Yet we all know he is toxic.

I understand the feelings about having siblings who are favored. I try to keep in mind that the Golden Child really is done no favors. My brother and one sister were favored in my FOO. I think the favoritism harmed them even more than it harmed my other sister and I. Being the Chosen Ones of disturbed parents can be terribly damaging.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

The 180 works for family members too.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20281 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

My toxic mother liked the neighbor children better than me...

I cut her out of my life over 3 years ago and I haven't looked back.

My entire family thinks I'm the worst daughter in the world... but I don't care, they didn't have to live with her, I did... I don't care what they think. My life is better without her than with her.

Good luck... it's tough.

Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24595 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

The 180 works for family members too.

I had to do a pretty hard 180 with my parents during my divorce. I was amazed how much it helped me to create that distance. I've done softer 180s since then for other things, and it seems to be building healthier boundaries and habits for all of us.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 8th (Monday)

I dont want to cut her out completely

Why not? She is clearly toxic. What benefit is there to keep her in your life?

My father has not been part of my life since I was 23. He treated me poorly, allowed his wife to abuse me and the final straw was when he told me "just get out of my life, I never wanted you in the first place". Just because people are related to us doesn't mean they get to treat us anyway they want and it doesn't mean we have to allow it.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13806 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 8th (Monday)

These stories make me so so sad. I just can't imagine any parent treating their children in such a way. It breaks my heart.

HL, do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. She made her bed, now she can lie in it.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7096 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Hopeful Lady
Member # 30441
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Thanks for the kind words. I don't want to cut her out because she trained me well to not cut that tie. I know there's help for that too. One time I did try just distancing myself from her with less frequent phone calls, not answering intrusive questions etc. and she cried to anyone who would listen that I abandoned her and was refusing to keep in touch with her. Then others in the family came down on me and said I'm hurting my mom so badly blah blah. One sister even said she won't talk to me any more if I keep mom at arms length.

It sucks. She trained me to always put her interest ahead of mine. That's part of the reason i married WH and stayed with bim so long I think. When will I get a break with close relationships? I feel so bad about my poor relationships with the people who say they care about me the most that it does make me cry.

[This message edited by Hopeful Lady at 10:09 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 8th (Monday)

(((((Hopeful Lady and others)))))
I have no advice for how to handle your Mom. Personally, I would like a time machine so I could go back In time to when you were little and drop kick your mother into a different time zone for verbally and physically abusing you. You did not deserve that then and you don't deserve it now. for you

Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 8th (Monday)

One time my counselor explained to me that everyone has central issues in their life. She said view your life as a spiral staircase that circles up and around the central issue rising higher with each circle around the issue.

You are on the top of the staircase and as you age your view of the issue keeps changing and growing as you see the issue from different angles. However, the central issue is still there. You are the one that is changing.

It's OK for you to acknowledge this central issue and choose to deal with it in a new way. Toxic people will scream and moan when the victims grow and mature. Imagine what your mom would do if you exactly reflected her treatment of you back to her....treated her exactly like she treats you.

LOL it would be ugly right??? Maybe just think of changing on thing at a time, until the situation works for you.

Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 13