User Topic: Did your age factor into your decision
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 8th (Monday)

To stay or to leave?

I have read on here a few times people saying if they were younger they would have left or they stayed because they have put so many years into their marriage, or that they are too young to live with the lack of trust for the rest of their life.

So did your age factor into your decision to stay with your ws or leave your ws?

D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Sort of...the main factor in my leaving was that my STBXWW was unremorseful. She felt guilty and the A was over but she refused to do the work and own her shit. As for age, I would have left no matter how old I was but at 37 with 10 years into the relationship and marriage I would rather face the unknown than stay in a known bad situation.

Regardless of age and time in the M leaving or staying is a personal choice but for me, I would much rather be happy by myself at any age than in a relationship with a person that doesn't respect themselves and me enough to even make the attempt to try and work through their issues.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
New Member
Member # 39602
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 8th (Monday)

I'm 29 and leaning heavily towards leaving. I'm just tired of him and of the bullshit, and I don't think that there's any explanation he could give me that could persuade me into staying. Fidelity is VERY important to me-- he knows this, and I've said repeatedly that cheating on me would probably be the ONE thing he could do to me that would hurt me the most.

The fact that he could lie to me, deceive me, risk my health in that way and treat me with such a lack of respect after less than two months of marriage is essentially a deal-breaker for me. When we talk about it there will be NC established all right-- between me and him. I'm looking forward to this part of my life being over.

Were I older I wouldn't feel differently, BUT-- if we had children, I would likely try to stay and work it out. He can be an ass, but he's never been physically or verbally abusive, and he does take care of things financially.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 8th (Monday)

I think it might. I am 53, second marriage, been together 13 years.

I can't imagine starting over and I hate the idea of living alone for the rest of my life.

I do have the thought that if I were in my 20's, 30's, or even 40's, I would be out of here so fast. This is a hard painful and exhausting path, especially when the destination is not clear.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 8th (Monday)

I am *only* 34 but I think it's my 6 kids more than anything. He is trying now and I have realized I spent 16 years only worrying about him and his feelings and its time to focus on me. If he does keep his new promises then that will be wonderful but if not I will be ok - that is my goal to get to that point regardless of how many years we have been together or how old I am.

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 8th (Monday)

At first yes. I'm 53, 3rd M for 16 years and I'm leaving with my son that is 15.

Scared? Nope. I'll be just fine.

I can create an awesome future for us

I deserve better, DS deserves better.

It's not my ending, it's my new beginning and I'm up for it.

"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Yes. Age factors in.

Looking back with 20-20 hindsight, I should have run far and fast when I was in my 20's, 30's and early 40's.

The chances of any of us moving on to normal, fulfilling new relationships, diminish as we get older.

There is an age you hit where you would have to assume that if you left, you will be on your own for the rest of your life. If you do meet someone wonderful, more power to you. It's just not as likely to happen at 55 as it is at 45, which isn't as likely as at 35 or 25.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 895 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 8th (Monday)

This is huge for me. I'm 33 and a career person, so I worry that if we don't R, I might be passing up my chance at children. I realize that may seem dramatic, but I have the kind of job wherein I work 80+ hours a week, take work home with me, etc. My WS took his current job (where he met the OW) because we decided that he would take a slightly more flexible track, while I maintained my work load, so we could think about building a family in a couple of years. So by giving up our relationship, I am giving up a family plan that worked for me. And, if we don't R, lord knows I'm not going to be ready to date for awhile after this whole thing. And who knows what kind of trust issues I'm going to have now once I do start dating. From that vantage point, I would be at least 3 years away from ever contemplating a family again, assuming I even meet someone...

Part of my thought process on this is that my WS and I honestly had a great relationship before this happened. Loving, kind, fought fair. The A happened when I took a job out of state for a few months and while he was going through a huge transition and stress with his job. I don't say that as an excuse-- he's still a cad for what he did-- but it seems like a situation that doesn't preclude R if he works on it (and he was in IC last time we talked).

The issue for me now is that I NC-ed him pretty fast (within 3 weeks) because he was a hot mess after DDay. He started by wanting R and initiating NC with the OW, but it became apparent pretty quickly to both of us that he wasn't ready (he didn't want to leave his job, he couldn't handle the intense conversations, he took the A underground one last time before leaving on his own business trip). I think we only had 5 conversations total before we broke up and I moved out and demanded NC for at least a couple of mos.

But even in our last conversation he was tearful, admitted he was confused, wasn't "replacing" me with the OW but, with the help of his IC, could see that he couldn't handle R "right now" given his actions (continued lying and the A). The NC term I set up is over next week, so I don't know what I'm going to get when that's lifted. Did he stick with IC? Was the A more of an EA than he let on and they are together now? Does he even want to talk to me again? I just don't know.

Ultimately the conflict becomes how much more time do you want to put into it given your life goals. If he calls/emails next week telling me he broke it off for good with the OW, has stuck with IC and has some insight into his actions, and is willing to leave that job and do what it takes, I'd be tempted to try because he has a longer history of being a good partner than a bad one. The tricky part, though, is that if I'm staying with him because I want to try to recapture our "plan" (kids, career, etc), he has shown that he cracks under pressure and displays some pretty destructive behavior-- so would I rather roll the dice on him not being able to be who I thought he was (and now someone's father) or do I want to roll the dice that I can meet (and trust!) someone again before it's too late?

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Without a doubt. I often think if I had a crystal ball, I would have left 20 years ago. But now, I will not give up half the financial security I helped build for 35 years. I sacrificed for those years, not knowing that he was spending lavishly on his "hobbies," and I won't do it anymore.

But if he weren't bending over backwards to make it up to me, I wouldn't stay.

I also don't want to die alone.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3651 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Alex CR
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Age definitely was a factor in my decision to R along with the wonderful family we have together. I just couldn't see us splitting time with our kids and grandchildren and the mess it would make of the remaining years of our lives.

But if my H didn't work hard to repair the damage, and continue to do so, I would have left.

I like my own company and although I love and enjoy it when my H is around, he has taught me I would be fine without him.

[This message edited by Alex CR at 10:34 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 8th (Monday)

During my first marriage, my age wasn't a factor. I filed for D a month before I turned 40 and wished I had done so years before. I never regretted it, except for the trauma it put my kids through. Now with WH#2 my age and health has become a factor in my staying in this marriage. At 50, I don't think that I really want to start over again. Even though my WH#2 is not really remorseful in a lot of ways, he is not cheating now and knows if it happens again I will be gone no matter what. He knows he is being watched and doesn't seem to mind that he is, he is home on time, calls if he is going to be late, shows me his paystubs, is open about texts and phone calls, etc..He just refuses to discuss the A and he is an alcholic, which I am sure was a big reason for it. Until he faces his demons we are just two people that share a home.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 8th (Monday)

No for me. Age wasn't a factor in my decision.

If I was 10 more years in the marriage it wouldn't have been any different.

It would still be a false DV case and a false passport theft case, blaming my father of a sexual advances and the other re-written history.
I don't deserve this now and then. Period.

[This message edited by Happydays at 11:06 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 8th (Monday)

It was part of a many part decision.

First of all, my FWH was immediately remorseful and "doing whatever it takes" to save the marriage. Second, I do love him. Third, we still had a young teen son at home. Fourth, I am in my 50's and we have been married for 34 years, together for 36 years. We have a lot of history and we have worked hard for what we have, not willing to share that and live less than we do now.

Also, I do believe it is harder for women in their upper years to find a great man. It seems to be easier for men, and they usually want younger. I know, a generalization, but it is my opinion on what I see all around me. (Mail order brides, anyone? I see many older men around me going that route.)

With that all being said, if FWH wasn't remorseful and working hard to change (and it is very hard, I see that for him) I don't care if I was 94, I would divorce his ass.

eta: on a lighter note, , if I was 94 and he cheated on me, maybe I would just smother him in his sleep. What are they going to do? Give me life? All said very facetiously.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:58 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 8th (Monday)

I am 47 - I don't have a problem with being alone.

As of today, I am here because of my children. They are still better off with us being married than divorced.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 476 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 8th (Monday)

It was a factor in host of ways. I was 38 when it all went down, and I was having real trouble with the big 4-0 looming ahead. My age made me impatient with the healing process early on. I wanted to KNOW, quickly, if shit was going to work out or not so if I was going to be single, I wanted it to be while I was still marketable.

A bit down the road, all of that became irrelevant. As I healed, I no longer cared about how I could hook another relationship. I only cared about what was good and right and healthy for me. I realized I would prefer to be alone forever, than be in an unhealthy relationship of any sort. Then my age no longer mattered at all.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 8th (Monday)

The chances of any of us moving on to normal, fulfilling new relationships, diminish as we get older.

And the chances of forging a normal, fulfilling new relationship with OURSELVES become more apparent.

I chose to get out the year I turned 55. Stressing out about being alone was extremely counterproductive, so I just shelved that thought and never looked back.

Thanks to a positive role model I had in my awesome post-divorce mom (who happily lived alone until the ripe old age of 90 and enjoyed many many things she could never have done if she had been saddled with my dad) I was able to accept that being alone is not the end of the world. It's just the beginning.

Staying in an unhappy marriage is far worse in my opinion.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17493 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Google Jeanne Socrates. A powerful inspiration to anyone starting out alone.

She is 70 and alone since losing her mate to cancer a few years back.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:56 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17493 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Definitely. When he had his affair we had over 30 years history, and owned a business together. I had all I could do to put one foot in front of the other everyday - could not deal with one more thing. Now, after 4 years, we have largely de-tangled ourselves from the business and he remains very remorseful. Tells me everyday that he loves me. I wish I could reciprocate, but I just don't feel it. We are more like roommates, but we are civil and friends.
Starting over at the age of 59? Maybe if I won the lottery - but the disruption to family and friends and life in general might not be worth it even then. If I was 39 instead of 59 I would have been gone in a heartbeat.

Me - 60
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 8th (Monday)

23 and trying to R , cause he's my first love and I want it to work for us and the kids



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Absolutely not. I left when I was 55, M 33 years & together for almost 39 years. I don't regret it at all.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Partially. I realized that we both were heading into the golden years, and I could not envision myself playing nursemaid to him because he was so mean to me. I did not want to waste the rest of my life catering to a cruel, abusive bastard who did not love me. I wanted to have some measure of peace & happiness for whatever remaining days I am blessed with.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 8th (Monday)

For me it wasn't so much age as it was my health and my love for who I thought he was. I loved the man I married but he was just a mask that my xnpdwh created to suck me in. But at the time all of his cheating came to light I was very ill and afraid I would not be able to live alone. I stayed hoping that he would at least try to deal with what he had done and to fix our marriage. I probably would have stayed if he had not raised is fist to me and threatened me. I will NOT ever tolerate a man hitting me.

DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 8th (Monday)

As I healed, I no longer cared about how I could hook another relationship. I only cared about what was good and right and healthy for me. I realized I would prefer to be alone forever, than be in an unhealthy relationship of any sort. Then my age no longer mattered at all.

This sums it up well for me. I feel totally fine being by myself with my 2 kiddos. I stay because I really do love the man I married cheater and all. I hope he can change for the better because if he doesn't then that wasn't our deal and I will be swiftly kicking his behind out the door.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Yes age hasd a lot to do with my decision. Our lives are so.meshed together, his family, my family, friends..etc. I'm not afraid of being alone, in fact I kind of like it and it can't be any worse than the loneliness I feel with him in the same bed as I. I'm not someone who has to
have a man to feel complete but sometimes I look at couples and wonder if I will ever have a connection again with someone. My thought and feelings are all over the place lately. I don't get lonely being alone, I get lonely being ignored I guess. The age thing has more to do with health issues. I'm scared of not having his much needed insurance
As nature girl said though, when I think of us growing old together in this dead relationship, I don't want to take care of his cranky ol ass anymore than I want to depend on him taking care of mine. He's not been the most compassionate man and the thought of him assisting me through illness, makes me want to run. I had my chance when we S 20 yrs ago and I let him come back plus added more kids. I won't say I wish I hadn't for the obvious reason but I made a mistake by not expecting more from him..nothing changed.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda..story of my life
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Age may have been part of the reason, I was 49 on dday. But more importantly were the number of years my H had been a good, trustworthy H, which was nearly 30 yrs. We had too many good yrs invested to just walk away.

It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I divorced my first wife for cheating on me when I was 27. We were married for only 2 years. I didn't think twice about it because we had no children and because I was young. I never looked back.

My second marriage was different. We were married for 15 years and had 3 children when I found out about her affair. I struggled for over a year to make the decision to file. I kept hoping to see remorse and a real effort...but sadly, never did. I would have stayed with her if she would have stepped up and did the heavy lifting.

The children were a major concern but one of the main reasons I struggled to make that call was my age. I was now 49 years old and loved being married. I didn't want, and still don't want be alone for the rest of my life.

Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 8th (Monday)

On Dday 1 - I was 50 y/o, had 28 years invested in the M, and hadn't worked in 15 years.

6 months later was Dday2 when I learned the cheating went back to the beginning of the M.

Abruptly those 28 years looked less like an investment and more like fraud perpetrated on me. I considered what was likely to lay ahead if I let him come back and rug-sweep as he wanted. And I took off the rose-colored glasses and I took a really hard look at what lay behind me. A really hard look.

As to someone to grow old with, or to stand by you as you declined in health, I realized that had only ever worked one way. And if he died before me - I'd end up alone anyway. My mom has been alone for 14 years.

I am blessed to have two great kids and a gk. I raised them in the country, homeschooled them, we had horses. Much of my dreams for family had come true - I'd just pick poorly as to a mate.

Now D'd and 55 - money is tight, the yard is way too big, but I am growing comfortable in my own skin again. I took my first vacation in 30 years - I snorkeled in the Caribbean!

I don't know how much time I have left on the planet - none of us do. But I am grateful that I have an opportunity to pursue some other dreams now. That would never have happened otherwise. I'd been emptying myself, pouring my love into a broken vessel that had no bottom and no means of ever returning it -- that's no way to live.

[This message edited by Take2 at 4:44 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Take2...what an inspiring post. I've lived most my life basing decisions off of fear...what if..needs to be removed from my vocabulary. Good for you..hope to be where you are one
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Yes my age played a part. Also the length of our relationship, the fact that we both wanted to find out why our marriage was such a mess and what we had built together. I spent many years at home raising kids, while he was doing the Army thing, that at this point to start over is too hard.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I remember after d-day thinking that I was only 25 and was "too young" to get a divorce.

Now I look back and think that 20 was too damn young to have gotten hitched in the first place, LOL.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 8th (Monday)

My kids ages (all under 10 at the time) and the amount of years invested in the marriage (almost 10, pretty much my adult life) allowed me to briefly convince myself that I could stay with an unremorseful jackass.

I was 28 on Dday. That's possibly a whole lotta years with him if we were to stay together until death did us part. I couldn't handle that thought with what was going on so my mind went to sticking it out until the kids were adults. Soon after I was only sticking it out until I got a job. But it got so bad so fast that one evening I knew that it couldn't even be one more day. He had to go. I don't think my age had anything to do with my decision at that point. I just needed him gone. ASAP.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Definitely. I was 3 months away from my 61st birthday as well as our 33rd anniversary. I had retired and the thought of starting over at this point, on top of everything else, was too much.

I do have to say, it didn't mean I'd be a doormat. He's doing everything he can to help me heal.

We did discuss what may have happened had I discovered this when it began. I would have been 54 and working. He seemed startled when I told him there is a good chance that I would be gone. At least he knows that it's not a given that I will stick around no matter what he does.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 32