|Just Found Out|
Topic: Is WH anger normal?
Member # 39751
| Posted: 12:14 PM, July 8th (Monday)|
Two weeks since D-Day, and my husband is just angry. Not in a yelling way, but in a simmering under the surface "mad at the world" way. It's hard not to take it personally, and it seems backward - I should be the angry one and he should be remorseful (which I'm only seeing the slightest little signs of). So I'm wondering if any of you have experienced this.
Is his feeling mad at the world, mad at the mess he's created, mad because of withdrawal / the loss of the OW (her husband made them cut it off), mad at himself (even if he doesn't admit that) part of the healing process? Until he gets past the anger and gets to a better place, I don't see how we can move forward. Thanks in advance for your thoughts - SI has been a lifesaver to me when I feel otherwise alone.
D-Day: June 2013 (discovered a 2 month EA followed by 3 week PA)
Last hurt / NC established: August 2013
Posts: 52 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 38337
| Posted: 12:16 PM, July 8th (Monday)|
Yes, my H was furious after D-day, for weeks after just screamed and raged at me, called me the most terrible names. He later admitted he was angry at himself. I wish I had been stronger, but I just endured it, sobbing.
I hope you feel better. Take care.
Truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may destroy it, but it is still there. Winston Churchill
Posts: 200 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 21101
| Posted: 12:43 PM, July 8th (Monday)|
Yup - Very Angry for a good while, basically until the Fog cleared. You can read my profile, and know that there was a deep burning anger that lasted until he cleared.
I would ask him what he was angry about then, and he couldn't put it in words, probably because I would have kicked him in the balls knowing now that half of it was anger over having to end it. ....Now he tells me it was anger at himself, for the mess he had created, for not manning up and fixing himself, and finding Happy without looking for it from someone else, For seeing the pain he caused me, for it being out of his control, and knowing that he was 100% responsible for it.
It will take time for the Fog to completely clear, and if he is showing signs of anger, I would be sure to be looking and make sure NC is being maintained. Every single DAMN TIME he broke NC I was dealing with the Prick My H was during his entire A.
Real remorse, does not have a component of anger, to anyone other than themselves.
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 5078 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 35971
| Posted: 1:33 PM, July 8th (Monday)|
Yes Arnold01. My WH was angry for weeks afterwards. Angry at his shameful behavior, angry at his loss of integrity, angry at the destruction he caused. Of course he was also trying to shift the blame to everyone else.
I think this WS anger is sometimes a manifestation of Narcissism, sometimes clinical depression, sometimes sociopathic trait or often it is a self protection mechanism very similar to the one BS's have.
If a WS admits ALL their faults, guilt and lies to themself at once, they could become overwhelmed with shame. Emotionally it could be a lot to deal with at once. The anger acts as a buffer to allow reality to slowly creep in.
For many BS we stuff our emotions down, focus anger on the OP or look to ourselves as a source of fault, because it can be pretty overwhelming if we allowed all our emotions to come bubbling to the surface at once and all focused at our WS. I think this is why it can take 2-5 years to heal. We process the emotions small chunks at a time because it would be overwhelming to do it all at once.
Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
Dday May 2012
Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 39375
| Posted: 1:39 PM, July 8th (Monday)|
Josephine makes a lot of sense.
I think a lot of times we think it is just clever blameshifting and gaslighting. And maybe it is, but Josephine provides a good alternative rationale.
Posts: 302 | Registered: May 2013
|I think I can|
Member # 17756
| Posted: 3:36 PM, July 8th (Monday)|
Yup. Like a toddler whose candy was taken away.
I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.
Posts: 8589 | Registered: Jan 2008
Member # 39502
| Posted: 3:46 PM, July 8th (Monday)|
Angry that they were stupid enough to get caught, imo.
Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 29 years
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Posts: 50 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39431
| Posted: 3:54 PM, July 8th (Monday)|
You know honestly, the first thing I thought of is it sounds like he is trying to take the focus off of you being able to be angry at him.
It's like when I'm feeling sad and I'm crying, I will stop if one of my kids gets hurt or is upset, my focus goes from myself to them. That's what I thought of when I read your post, like he knows you will be there for him if he's upset and angry so if he's acting angry, your focus is on making him feel better. So, yes, it does sound backwards. He should be making YOU feel better.
My WH left me so I really don't know, but when he initially left, he seemed calm and sure but there were times on the phone when he was angry. And I would think "why the heck is HE angry? he cheated and left ME" I'm still trying to figure him out and I don't think I ever will.
I do think that anger is at least a strong emotion. It means at least he cares about something!
Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 13, 10, 8, 5 months
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
Posts: 98 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Member # 39751
| Posted: 6:51 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
These posts are so helpful - I really appreciate it. Since I posted, the outward anger has calmed down a bit, and I was shocked yesterday when WH texted me at work out of the blue to say "Hi. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you." That's something he hasn't done in ages. When I got home, he told me that he was thinking about how much he appreciates me being patient with him and how supportive I'm being of him, when he knows he's not being very supportive of me and doesn't deserve me. Yes, that could be his knowing I'll always be here and just using me...but at least it was the first indication that he has any sense of what he's putting me through and maybe there is even an inkling of guilt in there. For now I'll choose to take it as a small hopeful sign, and we'll see.... Today is 2 weeks since D-Day and we have our first counseling session tomorrow.
D-Day: June 2013 (discovered a 2 month EA followed by 3 week PA)
Last hurt / NC established: August 2013
Posts: 52 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 22930
| Posted: 7:44 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
Too riight. My FWH yelled at me for the first time in our 16 year M after DDay.
Posts: 482 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Member # 39650
| Posted: 7:49 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
Your story sounds exactly like mine. WH was very angry at first. It came from the pain he caused, guilt, and shame. He even stopped taking all his medications b/c he felt we'd be better off without him. Once we got past that and the fog cleared, that all came out (the shame he was feeling, etc). I get the texts and call from work, too, just to say hi. I am hopeful, too, and taking it as a good sign. The hugs are longer and tighter and the "i love you"s more frequent. I wish you the best. Keep us posted. It sucks, but when you find a similar situation in a post, its nice to know you are not alone.
Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Member # 39667
| Posted: 7:54 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
It's going to be up/down for awhile probably as both of you work through this. My DD was 4 months ago and we just had a big blow up after having 2 weeks of feeling relatively good about things. It's not an easy thing to process. There is grief and anger and a whole lot of other bad and confusing feelings. But it sounds like at least at this point you have two willing people working to make things better. My advice is to work with the counselor to help improve your communication so you can tell your H what you need from him (apologies, acknowledgement, etc.).
BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"
Posts: 534 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 29912
| Posted: 11:20 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
In my case my H was angry enough to try to force me to rugsweep and he threatened several times to move out.... he now says he was so scared that I was going to throw him out at any moment.... and yet he appeared on the surface to be angry with ME.... unfair and it sucks that they are angry because their spouse took away their fantasy.....
Posts: 1002 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Member # 38121
| Posted: 12:05 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
Yup. Like a toddler whose candy was taken away
That's what it sounds like to me from your post, Arnold01. He doesn't sound too remorseful at all, just angry that his fun was cut short.
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him.
Posts: 501 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 32554
| Posted: 7:43 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
Yes, my STBX got angrier and angrier with each passing day after DDay. As I gained emotional strength and began to have clarity of the situation ,he became more enraged. He was outraged & offended that I dared to tell him my boundaries (which included such things as no more yelling at me & the kids, no more threatening suicide, stuff like that).
It was very clear to me that we were not going to be able to reconcile. Of course I held out hope, I prayed, I dragged him kicking & screaming to MC... All to no avail. His anger instead of remorse signaled loud and clear that the end was near.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Posts: 7315 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 38378
| Posted: 8:16 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
Yes, STBXH was very, very angry and showed some rage at me, as well. He was angry that he got caught and when he came to discuss "R", he was angry and claimed I wanted to control him, esp. where he slept.??
He was angry at being caught and instead of being angry at OW, who outed him, tossing him right under the bus, but he took it out on me...more, taken out on me and kept threatening to leave.
I'm glad things are looking up and hope it will continue.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
Posts: 1882 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 36579
| Posted: 8:27 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
STBXH was incredibly angry and has remained so during separation. He was angry at getting caught, at me 'snooping' , angry when OW2 called it off after I found their phone messages. Angry that I ruined his 'single man existence' and angry that I saw the man behind the mask.
When I have to see him now, he has a face like thunder. I guess it's easier for him to be angry at me than to face his own behaviour and lack of morals.
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS11 & DD7)
Separated Jan 13. He's now living with OW3.
Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 38814
| Posted: 8:51 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
Very normal. My WW reacted with anger, too. In fact, I would say she went beyond anger and into rage at times.
After four months of IC and MC she decided she "didn't want to hurt me anymore" and just like that she hasn't raged since. The anger is under control, too.
She says, and the therapist does too, that the anger and rage are her defence mechanisms.
Apparently leaving the OM hurt (grrrrr), facing the mess she created hurts and having to accept that this is who she is, a person who cheated and lied is hard for her. No one wants to think of themselves as bad people.
Throughout our marriage I always forgave everything and was always there for her. So she felt it was OK to take it out on me. This came out in MC.
At first, I took it. The A was a shock to me and I didn't want to lose the wonderful person I thought I had.
As the months passed, I no longer see my WW as a wonderful person. Well, she's wonderful, but she made some painful and damaging choices. I decided not to chase her anymore and to set up boundaries. That's when she decided to control the rage. I believe the two are related.
Good luck with your situation. It's douchy on the part of WS to do this, but apparently it's also normal. It doesn't mean they don't care about you, it just means they don't respect your boundaries. It's up to you to enforce your own boundaries.
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.
Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 39457
| Posted: 8:58 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)|
Yep, my stbxh had a nonlocal EA
With his old flame who was getting divorced, I calmly told him how important his promise of NC with her was and he started yelling all kind of nasty things in the attempt to I form me in no uncertain terms that he did not give a flying about what I needed it how I felt. Completely unlike him
So I have been trying to understand this WS anger thing as well...
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39668
| Posted: 3:48 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)|
Took mine about three weeks to build up to anger but, once he did,oh boy. He had gone home to his family for a week... When he left, he was clearly just angry at himself and the situation, but talking about R. We didn't speak while he was away (I was 180-ing and he just never communicated, I found out it was because he broke NC before he left), but when he got back he called me that night with a pre- determined script of rage. "You did a great job of isolating me all of these years!" (from what? Having sex with other people?); I was the reason his work never gets done; I'm fiscally irresponsible (even though by and large we maintained separate accounts and I'm debt free?); he wasn't sorry he did what he did; ILYBNILWY; maybe I should get more IC to understand why I wasn't more angry and willing to engage him when he tried to fight (ha!); the idea of living with me was scary because I might be emotional and he wants to be "free and liberated" so I needed to get a sublet; I had lost him before he ever met her (so why did you stay and/or not say anything?); I wanted to talk every day and it was annoying, but at least my job freed up his evenings so he could be with her (that was the only comment that got me to burst into tears-- he just stood there and watched dead-eyed while i cried). All of this was said with incredible venom.
I NC-ed his butt on the spot. He started to sob and tell me he missed me. Oh well.
One of the reasons I now think he wouldn't try to R even if he wanted to down the line is because he knows the things he said to me...
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 3:52 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]
Me: BS, 33/ Him: WS, 35
10y+, 1 four-legged DD
DDay#1: 4/13, A with DCOW
DDay#2: 5/13 (A underground). Initiated NC.
DDay#3: 9/13, call from another coworker confirming ongoing A
Posts: 494 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 33867
| Posted: 5:10 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)|
I had a WH who, on Dday, took responsibility for what he did, the destruction he caused, and the hurt he inflicted. He endured a tremendous amount of anger and rage from me,much deserved I might add, but he was not angry. He responded with, "I deserve it"
He would not have lasted a day in my house as an angry WS. I would have packed his bags for him.
Sure, he was mad at himself for what he did but he had only himself to blame and he knew it.
You get what you allow...don't allow that behavior. He should be kissing your ass.
ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
in R 3 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 1782 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 34405
| Posted: 8:31 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)|
Yep. He's still so angry. When I ask why he's mad at me he says "I'm not mad at you!!! I'm mad at myself!!!" He says this in such a frightening tone that I just never believed him.
Thanks for this one. I might have been able to help him if I had known it was the truth. Oh well. I was told he wanted to do whatever he wanted to do and I could do nothing about it.
Well, half of that is true. He can do whatever he wants to do now. But there are things I can do too. Like divorce him.
Heading for divorce, it's the best I've felt in years. It's still hurts though.
Posts: 537 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Member # 39801
| Posted: 12:35 AM, July 12th (Friday)|
I'm new here, but my WS is acting the exact same way.
I have never seen the venom and rage which he spews to me when he says I am being "unfair".
At the moment he's texting me. We decided amicably to divorce earlier today after soul searching on our marriage.
I figured he would go talk to the OW so I drove by her place and he happened to be pulling out at exactly that moment (women's intuition?) so I followed his car to the house and drove right past him. He's spent the past hour chasing me around town (drove past me parked in front of a strangers house lol!) and won't stop calling and texting me that he wants to tell me what he talked to her about. It's important for "us". Us? We just agreed to divorce. What US is there?
I told him I would talk to him tomorrow for 20 minutes.
He's still burning up my phone.
I think the anger is misplaced obviously...how is it not fair that I don't feel like talking? Not fair? Look in the mirror and see what's not fair.
I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/10/13
Divorce final 11/04/13
Posts: 440 | Registered: Jul 2013
|Topic Posts: 23|| |