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Just Found Out
User Topic: Here we go again...
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Nearly 6 years of forgiveness and hard work... and what do I get for it? Another kick in the nuts.

My 'gut' has been acting up a lot over the last 6 months, simple incidents that easily brushed aside individually, but the repetition of them and the increasing lack of coincidence was building.

OM's BS messaged me last week with the details of a txt she found on OM's phone that was sent to my (F?)WW.

So here I am at the head of the emotional roller-coaster again. Follow me, folks! Trust me, I'm experienced at this!

Already had the "I'm done" conversation with WW. Got an admission - of sorts. Its all I need at this point. I guess I'll be moving on to the 'New Beginnings' section, now.

Wish me luck!


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
byHisGrace
New Member
Member # 39319
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I'm sorry that it's happened again. The first time is hard enough (I'm only 2 months in) but if I found out it happened again I don't think I could handle it. I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.


Me - 25
FWH (BF at the time of A) - 27
DD - 10 weeks
His other daughter - 1 1/2

DDay - May 9

"You are strong and brave." - My fortune shortly after DDay, the cookie knew just what to say.


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Tennessee
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I am so sorry, that is the most disturbing post!

If a WS doesn't learn by seeing the pain they have put us through during round 1 I couldn't ever go through it again.

Wishing you peace in the days ahead.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Sorry brother.

She's broken and not fixing herself.

FTB

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2534 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Aw hell.

I'm really sorry.

(((crush3d)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16277 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Thanks for the kind words and condolences, all....

I'm still in pseudo-shock, I think. Calm, not really angry, yet relieved - like an invisible burden that I've carried for these past 5 years has been lifted.

Granted... the sadness is a little heavy right now. After all, I still love her. I'm still going to miss her like hell. I just have to keep telling myself that I'll be better off and happier without her. *sigh*


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Did she ever exhibit remorse? Ever *get it*? I do have to admit curiosity as to what "of sorts" means.

You sound certain. Are you?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2534 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

There was definitely some remorse and shock on her part. I had installed spyware on her phone a while back and just let it run, never checked it. It was just a backup plan in case something didn't quite feel right.

As it happened, most of the info came from OM's BS, so I never really had to rely on the phone spy info.

During our last conversation, while she was still trying to explain and/or deny everything from the past few months that I was pointing out to her which had set me on edge or didn't feel right, I mentioned the spyware.

I said to her "You saw how devastating it was to me to find the evidence of your last affair (found digital photos of the two of them together), at least have the decency to save me from that all over again. If you tell me not to look at the info gathered from your phone, I won't."

Her sobbing reply was "Don't look... please, don't look..."

That was all I needed to hear.

And no, I still haven't looked - nor do I plan to. Its water under the bridge at this point.


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Just wow. I rescind my earlier question as to whether you were sure or not. After everything she put you through the first time.

Strength for the journey ahead.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2534 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

((crush3d))

You seem quite resolute in your writing - more strength to you. Best of luck for your future, hope it's filled with peace and happiness.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2012
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Sorry Bro. Repeat offenders are the worst.
I think your decision is a good one. Its time for her to face the consequences of her actions. The sex aside, its the blatant lying and disrespect that really gets to you. I gave R a try and after a few months I found evidence of broken NC via a keylogger myself. That was it for me, I was done. I think false R is probably more damaging than the A itself. You give them the gift of R only to have them piss all over you once again. After I left I was informed of other affairs prior to the one I knew about. She had no problem keeping those a secret from me. I'm a firm believer that a BS rarely gets 100% of the truth. Even if you R they keep those secrets in most cases. Its this type of behavior that leaves you no other choice but to file for D. Be prepared for the onslaught of her begging for another chance. And once she realizes that you are done she will turn real nasty. Get your ducks in a row and start preparing for what's going to be a very dark time. Stick to your guns and protect yourself and kids. Your gonna see a side of her that's not so pleasant. Its going to leave you asking yourself "Why the hell did I M this person" Good luck friend.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5550 | Registered: Nov 2007
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

crush3d,

Sorry to hear you are experiencing and BS's worst fear.

Before you say you are not going to look at the 'backup' of her phone, are you in a fault or no-fault state. If fault, you may be able to utilize them as leverage for a more equitable divorce. Please secure them until you talk with an attorney.

Strength in your journey.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Crush3d,

Nothing much to add that hasn't been said...just sorry to hear this. I'm with the others that just can't understand how they would betray you the first time, let alone repeat it after they saw the destruction it causes. Strength.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3729 | Registered: Dec 2011
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

It is all of our worst fear and I am so sorry that you have been put through 6yrs of False R. The pain that these WS's cause is just unbelieveable to me. It is so hard to believe that they would give up everything for a little bit of ego kibble. Is this the same OM she was seeing before or a totally different A? I was just wondering since you said OM's BS contacted you. Hang in there, the D process is not fun at all and really shows a side of the broken WS that you never knew existed. It's like they can't believe that you are divorcing them and usually do everything they can to cause even more damage to yo than they already have. Be especially careful that she doesn't pull the DV card. My XWH#1 tried that one. I was 5'2" and weighed 110lbs, he was ex-military. He knew it would ruin my career to get a charge against my record so he lied, said I hit him in the face with a piece of asphalt from the driveway, and filed charges. He was actually the one that pushed me down, but since I wasn't really hurt I didn't call the police. Luckily I took a picture when he was leaving which showed his face, with no marks on him. It still cost me $1500 for a lawyer to get the charges dropped. Be sure that you always carry a VAR on you when dealing with her to protect yourself. She may be crying now, but her true colors will show once she gets the papers. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

One restless night down, many more to go, I'm sure.

TrustGone, thanks for the kind words... I'm not at all concerned about the DV issue. But I am wary of how the D process may change her current outlook and demeanor. Lucky for me, she's working out of town and I'll be setting up the meeting with a common lawyer to draft our separation agreement. I will likely meet with independent counsel myself for a consultation on how to proceed while protecting myself throughout the process, too.

After that, hopefully it remains amicable and we can deal with the division of assets ourselves. If not... then we'll each have to lawyer up at that point.

And you'd asked if this was the same OM... no. Definitely not. It was, however, another coworker she worked with out on the job site. Just like the first time around. The kicker this time is that the OM is a guy I've known and worked with on and off myself - for 15 years!!!!

Needless to say, any rage I experience will be aimed directly at him. And I'm in daily contact with his BW (who recently signed up here) as well, making sure that she has any and all the support and information that she needs from me throughout her own roller coaster ride.

Ugh.... off to work. Stay busy, stay distracted, right?

[This message edited by crush3d at 9:30 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

You know that is the biggest deepest fear that those of us that R have.

Although you seem to be taking it with a solid, quiet resolve. I think I would as well.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

You are living my worst fear.
I'm sorry.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

((((crush3d)))) I'm so very sorry. Just wanted to let you know the folks down in the D/S forum are great support as you start working through the D process - like a fierce army standing in your corner.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24372 | Registered: Aug 2011
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry.

I am in almost the exact same situation.

I just found out a little over a week ago that my STBXWH is having another affair.

5 years... gone.

Different OW, but a co-worker just like the last time.

Sending you strength.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Oh my worst fear. I am so so sorry.

Reading responses it seems the ones that have A's with coworkers and never find another job end up reoffending with a different co worker.

That is what I am afraid of as WH works with all women.

My heart aches for you but you sound so strong.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

(((((crush3d)))))

My god. It breaks my heart to read this...this isn't supposed to happen to R'd SI old-timers.

Sending you strength and peace - you know where we "live" and as you know, we'll be here for you...

I'm so, so sorry...

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 3:18 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4944 | Registered: May 2007
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

So sorry you find yourself here again.

It is completely unfair and is just plain awful.

May you find strength to live a life that you deserve. One based on honesty, truth and genuine love.

We are all here and rooting for you.

Stay strong.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Apr 2013
bluewater
Member
Member # 9297
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

crushed3d I remember your username and story from your first time around. Funny how some stories just stick out and stay with you.

Needless to say I am really sorry to hear that she did this again.

Peace and strength to you.


Posts: 488 | Registered: Jan 2006
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

crushed3d I remember your username and story from your first time around. Funny how some stories just stick out and stay with you.

Me too.

Her sobbing reply was "Don't look... please, don't look..."

Such a sad, pathetic choice. Throwing aside a man of strength and character for the one that caused terrible injuries to her body (and marriage).

Adding my voice to those that are so sorry this happened again.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Wow... again, this site is just amazing to me. Thank you all for the support and strength your words lend me.

Aftermath Day 1 - work was busy, thankfully. Kept me mostly distracted. The odd song would play on the radio that that would trip me up a bit, but no visible (at least outwardly) breakdowns.

Now I'm at home... recovering from a good bawl. Is it odd that I got more emotional sending her parents a lengthy thank-you/goodbye email than when I ended it with her over the phone? Weird stuff, I tell you...

Someone asked earlier about no-fault state, etc... I'm in Canada, actually. And from what I've been able to tell, the province I'm in doesn't have any at-fault provisions for divorce proceedings.

In any case, that backup info is there if I need it until I pay to access it and delete it myself. I really don't want to have to do that, but if pressed, I will. And I kept copies of the evidence from the last runaround as well. I'm well equipped to deal with whatever craziness may come my way - but I'm honestly not expecting any.

Now I have to steel myself to break the news to my parents. This should be fun... I'll keep posting later. Need food first.

And kleenex... I seem to be running out of it quickly.


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you have to go through this again.
Once is enough for anyone.

You'd think you WW would have learned something from before, but I guess not.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
AussieMum
Member
Member # 36579
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I'm very sorry to read this, crush3d

These cheaters are so heartless, so broken.

Sending you lots of strength, take care of yourself.


Me 46
ExH 51
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS11 & DD7)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14

Posts: 180 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
rmhm97
New Member
Member # 39789
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I know all too well what you are going thru and my friend I wish you a speedy recovery back to a solid sense of self. For me, the emotional roller coaster is so hard to deal with and even tho it has happened twice now I did not see it coming either time. Strength and peace to you.


Me BS(49)
Her WW(39)
Married 16 years
D-day July 6th 2013
Day the fog lifted (each day is a step closer)

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Gulf Coast - MS
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I made the assumption it was with the same OM. I apologize for my misdirected post.

Hope today is a better day.

Kate


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

((crus3d))

I'm also a member of the multiple D-Days club. It is truly soul crushing.

Hang in there.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7409 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry :( I've had several D-Days and its just awful :( Stay strong!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 31