but the main why is my low self esteem and my need to feel wanted.
Have you gotten to the reason behind the above?
Sure, low self esteem and wanting to fell wanted contribute to the problems, but why did you choose to cheat?
Why were you able to see an A as the why to go, and not D or separation, or just talking to your wife? And yes conflict avoidance is the quick answer to why you didn't talk, but look at it this way, lots of people have low self esteem, lots of people don't feel wanted or happy in their M and they don't cheat. What inside of you gave you permission to cheat?
I lied in MC too, it's a killer, I know. Good luck. Your BW doesn't seem to trust you at this point, has she given you conditions to rebuild that trust? things to do? Timeline? What actions besides IC are you doing or have done?