SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Why am I Afraid?
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I was just called from the State Marshall telling me that he contacted my STBXH that he is being served for divorce.
Now that my ex knows we are divorcing, why am I so scared? This isn't as liberating as I thought it would be....


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

((((movingforward)))) Are you afraid of his reaction? Of the D process? What the future holds? All of the above?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Mainly his reaction.... Why? It is so stupid. He left me.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

When STBXH was finally served, I was petrified. The tears would not stop.

I think for me, the fear stems largely from change.

No, it's not liberating for me, either.

It feels like big cup of defeat, with a small ounce of self respect.

STBX here knew, but wouldn't do it himself-coward.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

P.S. FWIW, his reaction was to let me know he got the papers and then he mocked me.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Well he has been served. Not sure why I was too afraid because now he is toeing the line and acting very civil toward me. He didn't mention being served but has directly asked me questions about our son where as before he hasn't tried to talk to me.
He is keeping everything strictly about our son and finances as I asked and he is ponying up more cash now willingly. Not sure if this is a Hoover or he is trying to make himself look good for the temp custody hearing we will have soon but either way, I will take it.

Any way, just an update for anyone reading and wondering. I notice not that many people respond to my threads and some times I feel like I am talking to myself on here even though I provide support for others. I am going to go back to lurking.

Take care

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 6:01 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

MF, sometimes the posters who get the most responses are the ones who are doing it all wrong. But I know it does get discouraging not getting any helpful responses.

As for your STBX, who knows? Could be what you said, could be that he sees you are serious. Watch very carefully, and it will prolly reveal.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 733 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Hi there,

I'm new here too, and I just read your last post. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you aren't feeling heard or supported here. I saw your original thread post, but in my situation no one had to be served, so I didn't have any wisdom or advice to offer. I wish now I had at least posted hugs to you.

(((movingforward)))

Hang in there. From your follow-up post it sounds like everything is going as well as can be expected with your D process. It's hard to feel liberated when the divorce is not something we chose for ourselves, but was instead chosen for us by the selfish actions of our WH. When I mailed the papers to the court, I felt nothing positive. Only sad, defeated, unwanted, and very VERY alone. And yes, a little bit scared.

Keep strong. You are doing the best you can in a situation where you were left with no other options, and that's all anyone can do.



Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 675 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I'm sorry that you feel like you aren't being heard.

I'm back on the site after a long hiatus and very new in the D/S forum. I wish I had more insight to offer but our process hasn't really even begun.

Keep talking/posting. Even if you don't get many responses, it may help to just get it out.

((((movingforward))))))


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

It isn't unusual to feel this way. I have felt this way after a thread that got 7 responses and then not really been bothered when a thread got only one person's response. It depends (for me) on how I feel in my life I think.

I understand that FEAR, especially frustrating when you can't finger where it might come from or have a why for it. Fear is my least favorite emotion since dday.

I will tell you that there is a F/G thread called thread killers that makes light of the fact that many people feel like as soon as they post on a thread it dies...

I am sorry you felt unsupported. I understand and I hope you get what you need lurking but if not, I hope you will feel like you can post.

(((mf13)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5618 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

he is trying to make himself look good for the temp custody hearing

^^ This would be my bet^^

I suspect the reason you feel afraid is that it has sunk in that you don't really know him - and that makes him unpredictable. When I discovered all my XWH lies, even after living with him for 30 years - I got scared too. What would he do? What was he capable of? Hell if I knew anymore...

So now - you keep everything to email, the kiddo, and finances. CYA at all times. And expect him to want to minimize CS by wanting more time...(seems to be a common theme).

Hey Moving, I typically check in here once a day - PM me anytime you want!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

You know what....just keep posting. I have lots of threads that hardly get attention. It's not personal, it is just a matter of who is on at that time and what interests them, and how much time they have.

Sometimes, I have noticed if a thread gets buried, and it is important to the poster, he or she will bump it so it goes back to the top.

Please keep posting I know I'd like to get to know you better.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:22 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2609 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I just wanted to say that sometimes I feel the same about lack of response to my threads.
I read everything in D/S exclusively. I lurk mostly but post when I am lost or trying to decide what to do.
I feel like I have no advice for divorce since I was common law and in Canada.

I hope everything is moving forward for you and you feel a little relief that the papers have been served and he is behaving for now. Take this breather for what it's worth. Maybe he will be reasonable and continue in this way until you are divorced.
Hugs.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1321 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Sometimes I feel the same, like I unintentionally kill threads and/ or get a lack of response to posts..

I think people don't want to respond to posts unless they can respond on a positive note..

I hear you about the fear you felt when you had your STBX served..I'm glad your STBX is behaving in a civil manner..I have to plan/do things to protect myself before I have my WH served because of the strong likelihood of him becoming vindictive and physically dangerous after that point


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 14