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User Topic: Need mommy strength that I just don't have
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Helpless  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I just got off the phone with DD's ex bf. Not good news. Worse than before. Pretty common I guess, but horrific for me to hear. She doesn't live with me anymore, and she's 20. What do I do? What can I do? What do I even still have the energy inside of me to do? Well, fuck... that's never ending when it comes to my kids...

After an exhausting two weeks in the hospital with Bunt, then a visit from my DS16 for a while, in which he was... well... typical 16 yr old and difficult... now this.

I'm not sure what to even do now...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I don't know what you're specifically dealing with, but I am sending you all the strength I've got. (((((ssm)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24943 | Registered: Aug 2011
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

SSM,

It's hard when they're under our roof engaging in harmful behaviors, and also very difficult in a different way when they're out of our homes.

Sometimes I feel relief because even though deep down I know DS is not okay, I don't see it every day and I can live in my happy state of denial...or maybe it's survival because really, I have no control at this point, and I had to work very hard to let go of the outcome, to give it over, because the constant worry was killing me.

So, I talk to him, reach out in the ways that I can, let him know I love him always, and pray.

I'm sorry for your pain and I hope your DD gets to a place of healing soon.

AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37229 | Registered: Sep 2007
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

((((SSM))))

Sending strength.


Posts: 34640 | Registered: Mar 2011
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

IDK what to do


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Talk it out with us SSM. We'll help you.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44368 | Registered: Sep 2006
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Can you find an Al-Anon meeting? I think there you would find all manner of folks going through very similar issues, including having little-to-no control over their loved one's choices. That, to me, has to be the hardest part. Some of us are natural fixers, and working to accept that we can't fix this is tough.

That is what I would do.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29578 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Naranon.com is a great site for support.

They even have real time daily meetings, in addition to a support forum.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37229 | Registered: Sep 2007
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

That might be a good start SSM
Just to be with others who really get it and who are maybe further out than you and know how to navigate this stuff with their children. I hate this for you but I know you'll figure it out. If its one thing I know from all these years with you.. you don't give up. Make sure to focus some of that fierce energy into helping YOU. Because you need a break too.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44368 | Registered: Sep 2006
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I'm right there with you honey.

It's agony, I know.

(((SSM)))


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7052 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

How are things today SSM?

((((SSM))))


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7052 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

((((SSM))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8145 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Aw, crap.

Hugs, my friend.

(((((ssm)))))

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I feel pretty defeated today. An hour late to work - I can't even believe I'm here. Cried all damn night. My eyes look like someone punched me in the face. It's embarassing... I feel like my poor bosses have put up with SO much damn drama over the past 9 years I've worked here.... it's ridiculous.

I haven't talked to her. I don't even know how to right now. I'm still crying and my head is killing me. I feel like I must have done something terribly wrong in my parenting


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I feel like I must have done something terribly wrong in my parenting

Wouldn't it be great if we had that kind of control? One of the hardest things to accept when you have an addict in the family is that YOU - cannot rescue another human being. No rescue is successful without their effort and participation.

Your parenting did not get her here. Please be kind to yourself right now.

The addict in our family is my BIL. It has been so HARD in so many ways- soulcrushing. I think I 'get it' but it isn't my child, so in some ways I know I don't understand completely.

You have been through the wringer and then some. Take some time to regroup. Consider what AN advised about reaching out for support.

I wish I had more to offer than hugs. Except to ask you not to pile on yourself by accepting blame for actions that are none of your doing.

((((((ssm))))))


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Spent most of yesterday with her. I just showed up at her apt and took her home with me. We talked for hours. She is in some serious denial and so busy justifying... but she listened.

We came up with a gameplan, and we will see how that goes. I can't force her to do anything, and she isn't ruling anything out either - so we'll try it her way, and if it doesn't work, she has agreed to re-think the next step.

This is indeed as horrific as Cystic Fibrosis. Maybe more so in some ways.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
scarredforever
Member
Member # 23875
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

So sorry for what you are going through.

Take care of yourself too, while you are helping your girl.


"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

Mark Twain

Me-BS 52
Him-WS 53
Together 33 years

6-5-06 Day of Reckoning

"The acquired inability to escape"


Posts: 1056 | Registered: May 2009 | From: swfl
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

(((SSM)))

I don't know what you're dealing with, but I'm sending you a lot of love and peaceful thoughts.

You're a strong woman, I'm positive you'll know what to do and when to do it.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197201 | Registered: May 2002
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 12th (Friday)

((SSM)))


How are you doing today? I hope things are better.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8438 | Registered: Apr 2008
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 12th (Friday)

(((SSM)))

Be a soft place to land, like a mom. She gonna need it when she realizes life is not all great and wonderful ...

(((hugs)))


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18739 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 12th (Friday)

From what I know, from Wednesday, all is ok. I'm not expecting it to all be ok and painless, but she seems to be serious and following our plan. I don't want to kid myself, but I don't want to NOT have faith in her, either, so we are keeping in close contact, I am being encouraging, asking questions, and being supportive of GOOD news.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 12th (Friday)

(((((ssm))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 12th (Friday)

(((SSM)))


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Thinking of you & your DD Ssm - (((hugs)))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Sending you more strength today, ssm. How are you doing?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24943 | Registered: Aug 2011
chopper
Member
Member # 5772
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 15th (Monday)

(((((SSM)))))
Sending you strength and positive thoughts! I hope you had a good weekend


Me BS(49)
WH passed away on 3/21/2013(52)
2 Kids S(24) D(21)
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved."–George MacDonald
"Not being able to govern events, I govern myself." –Michel de Montaigne


Posts: 17682 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Guatemala
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Thanks everyone. You guys are so sweet. I love this place.

I had a great weekend. I had the Bunt for the first time since the hospital. His dad took a lot of vaca time this month, so I'm not seeing him much. I am def keeping in touch with DD several times a day, and according to her (if she's being truthful), she has not done anything since Tuesday night. She says she feels a little bad (physically), but not as bad as she feared, and no urges. She has been in meetings at least twice a day, as well - and working. I am hopeful but not convinced. Meanwhile, just keeping close encouragement going. She and her roommate were over last night doing laundry til late, and they seem good.

I had a good, quality time weekend with Bunt. Needed it, and it was great. I am not sleeping much right now, and I don't know why, but I'm desperate to fix that. Today, I might take the dog for a good long walk, then take a nice bath - try to relax enough to sleep well.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)

(((SSM)))

Being a mommy (or parent, period) is so hard. You're doing an amazing job.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Topic Posts: 28