SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Almost 6 years in R, and now here I am.
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Sad  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

For the long version, check my user info (its a tad out of date tho)... the short version is as follows:

F(?)WW was working overseas, injured in a car accident, flown abroad for major spinal surgery then home. 2 weeks after arrival at home, I discover proof of A (OM was the driver of the vehicle no less).

The usual weeks of trickle-truth and broken NC turn into months, I lay down the ultimatum, she snaps to. IC and CC begins, things get better, but we still are continually WORKING at things. It was always work. Hard work, but worth it (or at least I thought)

About 6 months ago, my gut is acting up again.

Well... it wasn't wrong.

With the help of the new OM's BS, we collaborated what little info we had together and filled in one another's blank spots.

I now know all I need to know and told her yesterday evening that the next time I saw her (she had just left for her next out-of-town work shift Monday morning) that we'd be sitting in a lawyer's office drafting a separation agreement.

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. Thanks in advance for any tips and advice you may have on proceeding, but at this point, things at least seem very calm and amicable. Here's hoping they remain that way.

I'm saddened, yet oddly relieved to be here. Its a weird ebb and flow of emotions right now... but I'm staying afloat on the tide so far.


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I saw your post in JFO. I'm in a very similar situation. We have been working on R for the past five years. I wish I had advice to give you but I only found out about 10 days ago.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

I too have been having those strange feelings of relief. My gut had been screaming for weeks but I kept telling myself that there was no way he would do that again after the destruction he saw from the first time. Its sad to see 5 years of rebuilding torn down.

Hang in there. I'm sure someone else will be along soon with more insight.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
Heal&Deal
Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Just wanted to wish you strength through this process. Biggest of hugs to you.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Welcome to D/S, crush3d. So sorry you're here. I hope all remains amicable and smooth for you.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24379 | Registered: Aug 2011
timeforchange
Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Welcome to D/S and sorry things did not work out for you.

Are you in a "Fault" state? If so I would use this time she is away
to get your ducks in a row. Find all the evidence you can. Gather other documents too, tax returns, bank statements, proof of house ownership.

I would also consult a lawyer. Even if you want to negotiate separation agreement find out what the bottom line is. What would a court do? Do not agree to less than this.
I would also remove half of the money and put it into an account in your name only.
Protect your assets.

Remember people act in divorces the way they acted during marriages.

She has already lied to you.... Don't expect her behavior to be any different now

Plan for the worse ... But hope for the best.

Good luck.


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

What a horrible thing to do to the one who stood by her after her last fuckbuddy nearly had her killed.

Jesus people piss me off sometimes.

Sorry you're having to go through this but you will be OK in the end and MUCH better off.

(((Crush3d)))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17111 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry friend. I only had a 3m False R and relief is absolutely the right word.

I didn't have to wonder anymore, I didn't have to gaslight myself anymore, I didn't have to forgive myself for staying anymore.

I was saved from the horrid "what ifs" - I don't need to wonder anymore.

I was free. I'm still mourning my dead husband, my dead M and those dreams I dreamed. I was never going to have those dreams with that guy.

I have new dreams now - new dreams I know I will have. My family's composition is not what I expected but the love and joy that I was missing for so long is now front and centre.

Be gentle with yourself.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5393 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

For me also, it was 6 years between D-Days. I could not believe, after what he saw what the first D-Day did to me, that he would be capable of doing it again.

At this point, after already being given a chance to R 6 years ago, you are making the right decision.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3155 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

What a long time, Crush3d, and I'm sorry. Here it was several different types of ddays over about two year's time.

I'm glad you're going to stand up for yourself and not put up with the sh being served to you by WW.

We are a little further ahead in the divorce process, but not much. I will try not to get long, but feel maybe it's worth it to share that the main thing I've learned is not to take any bull sh that WS and L will try to hand you.

STBXH in this case is trying very hard to make what I call an EOE divorce and I am working to not allow it, even if it costs time and money. I did nothing wrong and worked til I was physically and emotionally ill trying to fix our marriage while he was off cheating, so I don't feel that he's earned a way to be equal to what I "get" out of this.

Also, it was his choice to ruin our lives and our children's lives, so why should he get the same rights?

I am learning many things as the process goes on and finding the best avenue is the most quiet one. I sit often with a pen and paper and just shut my mouth and get further than arguing. STBXH's lawyer is NPD and a huge bully and it only took one meeting to understand this.

I wish you well and speed in your recovery and putting your life and future together. You sound very strong and I envy that.

FWIW, STBXH still favors and defends OW, even after a string of sh she did to him, including throwing him under the bus and other things.

Don't "peas in a pod" seem to find each other sometimes?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
stillinshockx2
Member
Member # 28638
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

So sorry, crush3d. I had just shy of 5 years between ddays. There is a great deal of relief though. Especially when, like in my case, the WS tries to make you seem crazy for questioning or having suspicions.

There is a lot of support in this forum. Sorry that you need it, but welcome!


Me: BS, 48; Him: WS, 52
DDay 1 - EA (denies PA) 6-13-05
DDay 2 - EA (denies PA) 3-30-10
DDay 3 - 8-04-10 WH living w/30 yo OW2; still denies PA despite PI proof and won't admit he lives with OW2
2 children (D20, S18)
M 25 years; together 8

Posts: 321 | Registered: May 2010
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

There is a great deal of relief though. Especially when, like in my case, the WS tries to make you seem crazy for questioning or having suspicions.

^ Yes! This! And I even heard things like "we will never make it if you don't learn to trust me and forgive me".


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3155 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

So... Got a very apologetic email from WW yesterday afternoon, inquiring if I'd even received her first email which I declined replying to right away. Her email was a very repentant apology asking for a chance to at least have a phone discussion. I agreed to call her later that evening.

Gave her a call around 11:00pm and basically laid it all out for her.

She now knows I'm no longer protecting her. I let her know who I told and how much, which did a bit of a somber reaction from her. There's accountability in that sort of knowledge, so hopefully it helps her realize that this sort of behaviour isn't about just fooling your partner. Its deceiving friends and family as well.

I will say this for her... she seems genuinely repentant about the way things have turned out this time around. Funny how harsh consequences drive the severity of a situation home like that.

She started off the phone call by apologizing for even asking for another chance in her earlier email, admitting that it was entirely selfish and was more about her than it was about me. I was almost speechless for a moment. After that I focused on turning the tables and putting her in the victim's seat, trying to describe as explicitly (yet calmly and matter-of-factly) just what I went through from the time of her accident up until this current state of affairs (no pun intended).

"If it were me in your shoes... would you still have me? Would you have even stayed around 5 years ago?"

She didn't have an answer, of course.

After that, I made it clear that I would offer no false hope of a reconciliation, but her actions - not her words - over the next several weeks will play a fairly major part in how I decide to proceed... whether that be a trial separation or straight to an at-fault divorce.

I also urged her to open up to her close friends and try to find some compassion and comfort for herself by confiding in someone, anyone. She's already emailed me this morning with the links to her job's benefit provider's counseling services information (which I asked that she forward to me last night). I'm not saying I'm considering leaving the door open for her, but I am relieved that she's being proactive about it herself and seeking help rather than me pushing her to it.

She also forwarded me the email she sent to her parents letting them know what happened (not in great detail, but enough to be clear) and apologizing to them as well. In the same email, she asked my permission to call my parents and apologize to them personally. Another surprise... I really think she's "getting it". Finally.

The only real promise I made to her last night was that I wasn't going to do anything rash or spiteful with our finances and I expected the same from her. The rest we'll sort out when she's back in town. First step will be a counselor's appt for the two of us, most likely followed by a legal consultation for the separation agreement.

Regardless of what path I ultimately choose going forward, the separation agreement WILL be put in place. And if - this being the most massive if EVER - I decide to somehow dig deep enough to find forgiveness yet again, there will be a very harsh and iron-clad post-nuptial agreement put in place punishing her severely in the pocketbook with respect to her stake in our home and investments should a future transgression occur.

Granted... I left that little post-nuptial part out of the conversation with her, not wanting to even hint at any possibility of continuing the charade our marriage has become. That's just my own internal 'what if?' dialog, there.

So yeah... overall the call went quite well. Never got emotional once, tried to stick to a "just the facts, ma'am" delivery. No emotional breakdown after the call or anything. I tell ya... this is a very empowering feeling compared to the last time around.

I even got a decent nights' sleep afterwards... still feeling a little tired and drained today, tho. We'll see if some fresh air and camping this weekend with the dogs will help that. Here's hoping!

Thanks to all that have posted and offered support, condolences and advice.

This site truly is the most amazing place. Thank you all so very much.


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

So... its been a while since I posted here, as I thought we might have been back in R.

After WW returned home from her last shift, having taken many of the right steps while she was away (setting up counseling for us and for herself, providing complete transparency, etc) I decided I would try to let her work her way back into the relationship.

The 10 days we had at home between her shifts showed promise and progress, lots of true remorse, but I could tell she was struggling with the shame and guilt of it all, especially whenever we talked or ran into people that I told her knew everything about her entire history of infidelity.

Well... barely 10 days into her most recent shift away from home, a mere 4 days after our 7th anniversary, she delivered the killing blow via email at 5:30am. This followed a night of terse replies to texts that I sent and no answers to any of my calls. She couldn't even find the courage to at least tell me the bad news over the phone.

14 years together, at least 6 of which I protected her from any social backlash due to her actions, 6 years of limiting my activities and lifestyle so that she wouldn't feel left out due to her inability to take part because of the injuries she suffered during her initial A, 6 years of busting my ass to forgive and find a way to overlook the broken trust.... and all I warranted was a goddam email.

Well screw you. Screw your lies, your overbearing sense of self-entitlement, and your years of selfish actions and behaviours.

Talk about making a guy regret decisions in the past.

Its really on, this time. No turning back. Wish me luck.


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

(((Crush3d)))

Good luck; you will make it. This just breaks my heart:

14 years together, at least 6 of which I protected her from any social backlash due to her actions, 6 years of limiting my activities and lifestyle so that she wouldn't feel left out due to her inability to take part because of the injuries she suffered during her initial A, 6 years of busting my ass to forgive and find a way to overlook the broken trust.... and all I warranted was a goddam email.

You deserve so much more!!! Why should you walk on eggshells and do all that to protect her? You are a good, valuable person, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

We're all rooting for you. We know you can do this.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Sending you strength for the coming days... you will get through this and be a much, much happier person. My life is so much better now ever since I took the garbage out.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Sadly your story is a true example of why the BS should expose in the beginning. And either start the process of D to get your ducks in a row. I just don't think we make great choices in the first few months and we really truly need an advocate on our side to keep a clear head when we cannot.

You loved her, protected her, stayed with her, kept silent, took care of her thru that accident yet we learn sadly that we cannot "love" a WS out of the A and their own issues. Exposure snaps them either out of the fog or pushes them to the other side, which if that were so would have set you free 6 yrs ago.

This is not me trying to bash you. I am sad and sorry and mad for you. You did what you felt was right. And like you said you got a chicken shit email. Now you need to truly stand tall and get your life back.


Posts: 5607 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

((crus3d))

Just get through it and be done with it.

Welcome to the new life of crush3d. Don't waste it.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7411 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
misty
Member
Member # 9493
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Crush3d,
I am sorry that you are going through this, you certainly dont deserve it.
I also had a few false R, and multiple A's (and probably more that I am unaware of)and one thing I have found that I hope you will too - I am not sorry I tried so hard, I don't think of the false R as a waste of time. I know when I ended my marriage that I had done everything I could, a few times over and I will never have to wonder what could have happened if I'd tried harder, or for longer.

That knowledge gives me peace.

[This message edited by misty at 8:58 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: south africa
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Aw, dammit crush3d. I thought you would be one of the ones in my "class" to make it.

Sadly, false R killed us too. They simply do not get it.

We've got your back.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Thanks for the condolences and words of support, folks. They're greatly appreciated right now.

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. Due in part to the fact that I guess I've come to the realization that she's been checked out of the marriage for over a year, or at least so her actions have indicated. And honestly... my home life really isn't that much different now than it has been over the past few years. I'm still at home by myself, going through my daily routine, taking care of the yard, cleaning the house, and spending time with with our (*my) dogs.

The only difference now is the added benefit that I no longer care or worry about wtf she's up to or with whom.

Silver linings, right?

Oh, and I've got a contractor at home gutting the master suite as we speak. That room definitely needs the slate wiped clean for a fresh start.


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Oh, and I've got a contractor at home gutting the master suite as we speak. That room definitely needs the slate wiped clean for a fresh start.
Does it ever!

Hang in there, crush3d.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24379 | Registered: Aug 2011
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Just got back from the first face-to-face meeting I've had with STBXW in over 6 weeks. We met somewhere neutral to compare respective drafts of our separation agreement.

Went about as well as could be expected, I suppose. She's thinking over my counter - which I feel is more than fair. I won't go into details here until after things are finalized, of course.

I thought I'd be able to just turn it off... we were discussing minor stuff at this point... dishes, linens, etc, and I offered that "any items that were given to you/us which were something OF your family's, you should take. Like the wedding toast glasses from your parents..."

Boom. Queue the waterworks. Seriously... WTF. And why am I still feeling sorry for her, why do I STILL have compassion and sympathy for the position she's put herself in?

I just want to NOT feel anything about her anymore and I can't seem to find the goddamn switch.

[This message edited by crush3d at 5:27 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
kenny55
Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

It takes time dude. Don't kick yourself. My WW called me on Monday to tell me she is going to detox for 30 days. It had no more effect than if a person from work told me the same. We have been apart for 15 months. You will get there.

Posts: 444 | Registered: Feb 2009
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, September 27th (Friday)

It takes time to intertwine two lives so it follows that undoing it will take time.

Whenever I have pangs of empathy for the sad clown and his sad, sad life I force myself to remember his eyes as he lied right to my face. I force myself to remember his eyes when he swore on our then not yet born children's heads that he would never, ever cheat on me again.

I was sitting here reading through this thread thinking "my god - that could have been me. I could have easily believed him had he made a bigger effort in feigning remorse".

I have just realised my first DD was in July 2003 - almost 9 years to the day from the DD that brought me here.

That is when I got him to confess to sleeping with a friend of his visiting from the US a mere 6 weeks into our relationship. I knew he did but rugswept at an Olympic level. I got him to confess by offering him an amnesty - all truth, right now, no consequences. Clean slate.

When he confessed I told myself he didn't love me back then - that was when I thought they didn't cheat when they REALLY loved you. And boy, he sure did love me - you should have seen the love bombing.

I told him then that if he ever cheated again I would turn my back on him. Didn't matter if I found out 20 years later, after 10 kids and a hundred grandkids. I would walk away and never look back.

It took me a further 3m False R and I still would be in that M today had he not walked away from me.

His complete lack of remorse was a gift - one that took me about 4 months on top of 9 years and 3 months to see as a gift.

I am so very sorry friend. I hope you find your anger soon - mine protected me when I could not (would not) protect myself. It burned so hot that it fueled me as I began detaching from him and detaching him from me.

You might want to have a peek in the codependent thread in the ICR forum just in case it rings any bells.

I have a quote I used that helped me forgive myself for still wishing he wanted R "The harder you work the harder it is to surrender".

I've surrendered and the anger is gone - as has most of the pain. The pain I deal with know is for the years I wasted investing in that bad bet and for having children with him.

Ironically I proceeded knowing full well that if I was ever sick, infirm, disfigured or disabled he would not take care of me. I knew I would take care of him.

That is but one of the sticks I find the hardest to stop beating myself with. But I'm getting there.

You will get through this. Find your anger - detach as much as you can. Fake it till you make it, one day you'll realise you're no longer faking it.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:43 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5393 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
crush3d
Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

SBB, thanks so much for the thoughtful and detailed reply. And you can rest assured that I've already found my anger.

The 4 or 5 weeks between her pulling the plug on this last attempt at R and our first face-to-face meeting last week was filled to the brim with anger, spite, resentment, bitterness, rage... you name it.

"The harder you work the harder it is to surrender"

Ain't THAT the friggin truth?! For nearly 6 years, I busted my ass, working to bury the hurt and overcome the betrayals (those that I knew about at the time), and rebuilding my own sense of worth and self esteem. I made sacrifices in my career to allow hers to progress - which is what I felt would help her gain her own confidence. Boy did THAT one backfire in my face...

But even having done all that work, since she decided "she couldn't do this anymore", its been incredibly easy to detach from HER personally. I find what I miss isn't her directly... its the things we enjoyed doing together, our future goals and plans. Those are things I feel a sense of loss over. That and the wasted years. So much time... simply wasted. I can't think of any other way to describe it.

WASTED.

The 'moving on' part? That's been easy. No hangups about feeling guilty or that I'm substituting someone else for her or 'settling'. I realllly hope she noticed evidence of that while she was packing up her shit last week, too!

Yet even still... I couldn't help but be overcome with sympathy for her as she broke down when I initially stated that I wasn't going to allow her in the house unsupervised while she packed her things. It became clearly evident to me in that moment that her ultimate reality check had finally hit home.

But, the 'big' issues have been sorted now, and we're just ironing out smaller details now. So here's hoping the rest of the ordeal will go smoothly... and I won't have to see her til next spring when she comes to collect her motorcycle and a few other things. Fingers crossed, everything goes smoothly between now and then.

Thanks again for all the advice and support, everyone...


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 26