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Wayward Side
User Topic: Longterm Relapsers
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

So, i have noticed alot of long time relapses of WS's and I was wondering...are there years that are harder for a WS then others as far as relapses go?

I am over 5 years out now and I am more affirmed in my "never return to WSdom ever again" but then i read the "6 years out and now this"...another that was 5 years out i think.

I have never really thought if there was like a '7 year itch' type thing or not...is there?

I don't want there to be at all, but it would be nice to know if there are years to look out for so i can double or triple up my work to counter act stuff like that.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

So, i have noticed alot of long time relapses of WS's
Really? (Serious question)

I haven't noticed that here. I have noticed a lot of TT situations, though.

***Posted as a member***


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38002 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I would imagine that "relapses" have much more to do with the personal susceptibility of a WS rather than time passing and circumstances.

Becoming a person of integrity, making good choices, developing good boundaries... these are all the things to "counteract stuff like that."

What it always seems to boil down to here is that there's no good excuse for why this happens, just lessons to be learned and hard work to avoid making the same bad choices ever again.

IMO


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

And my better, less dense answer would be...I agree with Jrazz. I don't think there is a specific time that is more of a danger, it's what a person does with the time after d-day and whether or not they've developed better tools and continue to implement them.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38002 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I haven't read about a lot of relapses, but I have read' and experienced with my H, a relapse of sort to some wayward behaviors that the WS didn't readily recognize. My H was sending what I considered flirty emails to a coworker. He didn't see them that way, but after discussing he realized he must always be cognizant of his boundaries.

I believe there was a post here recently (AN?)with the same kind of boundary check after a convo on FB with someone she didn't know.

So I am not sure there are relapses, per se, but rather realizations that behavior changes are a lifelong work.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6551 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

So, i have noticed alot of long time relapses of WS's

Actually, there were quite a few for a while. I remember seeing the posts in JFO.

In my opinion, those were WS's who didn't truly do the work they should have. I think they did what they needed to in order to placate the BS. Basically, they faked it and it eventually caught up with them.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Yes Lucky2, that was me with the FB boundary check .

In my opinion, those were WS's who didn't truly do the work they should have. I think they did what they needed to in order to placate the BS. Basically, they faked it and it eventually caught up with them.
Agree.

I do think that a WS and a BS, once reconciled, both need to be more present and mindful in the M for a healthy R. An A is so destructive that sometimes it sets up a dynamic for the BS to start thinking thoughts of RA.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38002 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Actually, there were quite a few for a while. I remember seeing the posts in JFO.

So not so much the WS's here...but the WS's out there.

I had my own set back a couple weeks ago regarding a vendor invoice, but most everyone here and MH was like...whatever, that's nothing

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198258 | Registered: May 2002
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I was thinking that....maybe the WSs who aren't on SI. I didn't remember a huge trend of SI WSs relapsing.

DS, I think what you're talking about is far from a relapse, lol.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38002 | Registered: Sep 2007
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

My WXH relapsed years after the initial A.

He was an unremorseful asshole for the 2 years in between.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

So not so much the WS's here...but the WS's out there.

I'm honestly not sure if the WS's had been on SI. However, the BS's had been. They were older members, some from before I joined and some had joined not long after.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Gotcha. I hate when that happens


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198258 | Registered: May 2002
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I hate when that happens

I do too DS.

DS, I think what you're talking about is far from a relapse, lol.

I absolutely agree.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

(((Lieshurt)))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:47 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198258 | Registered: May 2002
noescape
Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I think it has a LOT to do with authenticity and communicating transparently. In my sitch, from what I have been able to piece together through the TT, my W 'relapsed' 3-4 years after her initial As. Those years weren't spent in introspection or fixing the M or healing herself , those were dry adulterer years. Being guarded is just one piece of a much larger puzzle. Similarly, when I went down the slippery slope the second time (I had cheated on my XW 6 years prior to my betrayal of current W), I had the feeling of "I won't go there again", but hadn't done any work on myself. It always comes down to the whys and how one goes about fixing them and being mindful of justifications.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

So not so much the WS's here...but the WS's out there.

Yes, more this then that that....BS SI members coming back after their WS cheated again.

So I suppose its not so much a relapse, its more like they were 'faking it until they made it' and just couldnt make it cause they were faking it....gotcha.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

In my opinion, those were WS's who didn't truly do the work they should have. I think they did what they needed to in order to placate the BS. Basically, they faked it and it eventually caught up with them.

this ^^

As a WS that did 'relapse' (and I don't like the term because 14 years ago I didn't stop with my wayward ways) I just was just a 'dry drunk' for a little while.

I can say that without the hard work and introspection, digging, and fixing the core issues that lead to the A or As, the chances of it happening again are very high.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Long-term relapser here. I think it took me 7 years to forget how I promised myself and God "never again." And it was years before the planets aligned and there was a willing AP who I got to be "good friends" with.

What's different? Well, first go around there was no introspection, rugsweeping, white-knuckling, shame buried, and no real change in behavior. Just a promise. Which went out the door with the first guy that took an interest in me.

It's ridiculous to me how different this is now.

Also, consequences. Never had that before.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I think for the most part what you originally posted is not something you should have to worry about.

Do WS's relapse at four or five years out, when things settle down and they are feeling comfortable and not monitored constantly? Sure, I bet it happens a lot.

Do FWS's relapse? I don't think so.

Probably helpful to compare actual healing to UO's thread about Dry Adultery.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Yep, as others have said: for the folks who have done and *continue to* do the work, never letting down their guards... relapse probably won't happen. Like you, I read some really sad stories recently in JFO and Reconciliation of relapses... dry adultery during the years in between... and it sounds like they didn't do the work, or else started to but didn't continue to. "The Work" is a lifelong thing, a change that must be carefully maintained, boundaries that must never be taken for granted. The work doesn't have a stop date, a date where it's OK to stop. It's an ongoing part of you, like with any other life path that people take that leads to growth. It's never static.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Probably helpful to compare actual healing to UO's thread about Dry Adultery.

I had stumbled upon that thread and meant to come back to have a look a few weeks ago, but now cannot find it. Does anyone have a link? Thanks.

I really like SI, but must say a search function would be a nice thing! Minor nitpick.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 8:51 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

I really like SI, but must say a search function would be a nice thing!
You can copy and paste the URLs to the threads you want to keep track of in your journal.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6292 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

@Aubrie: Excellent idea. One of these days I'm gonna have to try to have one of those myself!


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

You can copy and paste the URLs to the threads you want to keep track of in your journal.

Or you could bookmark them.


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

JustDesserts,
We don't have a search feature mainly to help keep our members as anonymous as possible. Also due to the heavy traffic having a search feature would really put a toll on our servers with hundreds of thousands of lurkers using it.

EmotionalFool,
Although that is a good idea, bookmarking is temporary. Once the post is archived it goes away.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38002 | Registered: Sep 2007
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

@Authentic: Got it. Makes sense. Thanks.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
DevastatedTwice
Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

I read the Wayward section a lot. I think I've shared my story here before but this post makes me want to share again......mostly because I don't want any of you to EVER be in my ex-husband's shoes....or your spouse in mine.

My husband had an affair in 2007. It devastated me....and him. We were high school sweethearts and had a very close and unique relationship.....one that people would've never dreamed would end. After a few months he ended the affair and for the next year and a half, he was the model WS. He was totally open and honest. He treated me like like a princess. We had so many conversations about his affair. He would do everything he could to make me feel secure. He was very humble. His heart and actions were so incredibly amazing for that year and a half. He would constantly assure me that he never wanted to be that person again and knew he would never cheat again.

4 1/2 years ago my greatest fear began again. He got involved with another woman, although I didn't know it for 9 months because he was so good at covering his tracks. But the person who cared so much about my heart seemed like he was gone forever. I finally found out and filed for divorce. Right before the divorce was to be final, he ended the affair, left his job, and committed to really working on himself for once. I stalled the divorce. He joined a 12 step group for sexual addiction and began IC. But the whole time he was doing that, he was getting involved with OW #3. We were divorced a year ago, and I still can't believe that the wonderful guy he was to me after his first affair could be gone.

I think my story is rare in that usually when a WS doesn't get the help he/she needs, he doesn't treat his spouse as my did. My warning is that even if you are broken enough to care for your spouse's needs, you still need to do the hard work to figure out why you had an affair in the first place so it won't happen again. My WS was soooooo convinced that he would NEVER do it again. His strong conviction actually convinced me.

Today he sits alone in an apartment. His wife and kids gone. His home, vacation home, nice cars, pool, friends, reputation, everything he loved and cared about is gone.

The crazy part is I still love him. And I know he still loves me. But he won't do the hard work to change his life .

I don't want this to be any of you. Hope this helps. Do the hard work. Figure out the whys. Set strong boundaries. Don't think you are above ever doing it again. Don't think your strong will is enough.

Blessings to you all!

[This message edited by DevastatedTwice at 12:10 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
Topic Posts: 27