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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Your Daily 180...How did your 180 go today?
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I thought I would start a new thread for those of us who need help, support, encouragement, and cheerleading for a successful 180. I see posts all of time asking, "what is the 180?" "will it make my WS come back?" "will it make me more desirable to my WS?" "will it make my hair shinier and healthier?" (just kidding on that last one).

Let's assume that everyone who posts here already knows what the 180 is and how to work it. I know what is, have read it a million times, have tried to implement it at least 4 or 5 times, and have heard the "rules" of the 180 in my head at the immediate moment I was breaking one or more than one rule.

So...I guess I just wanted a living, breathing thread that I can come and check into and post about my 180 and read about others who are doing the same thing. I really love reading about users like Abbondad and seeing how far someone has come once they take the reigns back and get control over themselves and their lives.

So...here is my first post about 180. I'm back on the 180 horse. I'm going to Yoga tonight and the WS is bringing the baby home to me at 8 (I drop the baby off at MIL before work, WS brings the baby home).

Day 1 of getting back on the 180 begins now.

So TAG...you are it. How did you 180 today?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I really love reading about users like Abbondad and seeing how far someone has come once they take the reigns back and get control over themselves and their lives.

Well, I am flattered to be referenced. I guess I am becoming a bit of a legend around these parts (blush-.

My 180 was pretty good today. Just a necessary text regarding the kids' therapy appointment. No talk of the divorce, and certainly no chit chat about "us."

Just information, followed by "OKs" and "Thanks."

I give myself an "A."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Yes, I like this because I am struggling. I want to constantly reach out even though we are separated and I am filing for D.

How I did today is I lived through another excruciating painful day at work, holding back tears at my desk and ended up texting him for the first time since Saturday night (when I messed up and sent a text that we all miss him, ugh!) about my DD going to the movies instead of visiting him tonight. No reply, as usual, but ok.

As for getting on with my life, I am planning a night out on Friday with some girls from work. If I make it, it will be a miracle but I'm going to try. As for acting happy and carefree, I have definitely not been able to do this. I cannot even hear his voice or see his face without my heart pounding or ending up crying for a week after so I'm avoiding seeing him (hard with 4 children).


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Maintained 180 and NC today, going on a full two months. Still keeping an eye on his FB page, though, more than I would like.

For most of the day I kept busy and was feeling less sad and more "empty"...

Then I found out from a girlfriend that he was texting her and saying that our relationship had been "bad for a long time" before he had the A. He NEVER said anything.

So I'm not feeling so 180 Strong at the moment. I want to scream at him and ask him what the hell and tell him that it is so unnecessary for him to be saying ANYTHING to anyone beyond what a jerk he is for cheating on me. Why on earth is he doing that...!

But I have a report due tomorrow, so I'm trying to focus on that instead. Maybe call a different friend or my Mom!

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 4:05 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I had to speak to STXWH and check in regarding our hearing this coming Tuesday. I did okay with that and kept it all very business like

Then the conversation led to our DS22 who stayed in the marital home with STXWH (back story DS22, has a lot of anger about me moving, he is OCD, ADD and has been off his meds for quite a while ... I didn't allow DS to drink at the house and had rules) ...

STXWH tells me he and DS are getting along great since there are no more restrictions or expectations of him ... I stopped him in his tracks and said, "I have to go, I will just talk to you on Tuesday!" click

In other words STBXWH was making it clear to me how wonderful DS is since I am not there to lay down the law ... STXWH is just letting him drink and be lazy which makes the world a special place for both of them ... It breaks my heart but there is nothing more I can do for DS and his issues and STXWH is letting all the progress he was making disappear so they can be content "roommates!

Okay enough of my vent ... But I surly applied the 180

[This message edited by Ann124 at 4:14 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

You might all enjoy a little light-hearted thread about code for NC comms.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=484659

NC works. It gives you time and space to detach. It untangles you from the crazy and it also means you don't give yourself further regret. I don't regret anything I've ever said to him - I regret saying it to him. Giving him any more of my emotion.

Stay strong everyone. NC is key to your healing.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I just wish I didn't have to communicate with POS about ANYTHING. But because of the kids, there will always be a connection. He has tried to be "chit-chatty" recently, using issues about the kids as the reason (e.g., DS just got back to the states this morning from deployment to Afghanistan). My response continues to be "yes," "thanks for the update," etc. All very civil and cordial with as few words as possible, but I really hate it and would prefer severing the communication line entirely. Unfortunately, that is just not going to happen so I have to deal with it. It is just that every time I get a text msg from him, it makes me start to think about "things" all over again, and I don't want him in my brain! That is prime real estate where I don't want him to trespass at all...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 6:29 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

I've started a hard NC since Monday evening when WH told me HE didn't tell his parents we were divorcing, but let his brother tell them. Really? Typical of WH to let other people do the heavy work. Actually, he told his nephew, who told his mother (WH's sister), who told their brother (WH's brother), who then told their parents. Passive much?

I told WH I couldn't believe that just once he could have done the hard work of telling his parents. Just prior to this WH asked me what he should tell his dad. I said "the truth". Well, we can't do that now can we? That would be like.... talking. WH is extremely passive and a conflict avoider.

Last night, I got home, fixed me a drink, watched some TV, got a small bite to eat, took a shower, then went to DS room (DS15 is at camp this week) and watched a little more TV then turned out the light and went to sleep with my dogs.

WH was busy outside then came in expecting to see food. I didn't make him anything to eat. WH was sad.

I love the 180, it's so refreshing.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Last night I went to Yoga, stopped by a friends house who pumped me up and told me how good I looked for just having a baby, and we talked about the kind of guys I want to date when this whole thing is said and done.

I got home and took care of the dogs. Then came here on SI and was reading your posts when WS came home with the baby. It's so funny but I felt like he was interrupting me and I couldn't wait for him to leave so I could go back to my reading and relaxing. I was happy as a clam when I answered the door. He talked to me about the baby and I said, ok, thank you, bye.

That's it...then I went to bed and read some more posts on SI. Today is going to be a good day.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

BTW, everyone is doing a really good job. I think it's important to remember that the 180 is for YOU and the point is that we have to get to a place where we don't care what the WS is doing, thinking, feeling, having for dinner, what song he or she is listening to, what bad choices he or she is making, or what stupid thoughts he or she thinks about us, our marriage, or this situation.

The 180 is about our new life and how fabulous it is going to be no matter who is sharing it with us.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

NewMom... You might be my hero :)


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

PhantomLimb,

The feeling is mutual. Do you know how hard it is for me to keep my thoughts in my head? I don't know how you found the strength to go NC and stay NC after a decade long marriage. I feel like we were both blindsided by the out of the blue viciousness, blame shifting, justifications...etc.

You stood up and said NO! I stood up, sat down, said everything in my head, ripped him a new asshole, begged him to stay, kicked him out, made him dinners, went for walks, yelled some more, went to counseling, had sex with him, asked him to take me out like the old days (needed this being a new mom and all), told him I was leaving a million times, never left, and still sent text messages as of two days ago. The best thing I ever did was kick him out and never let him move back home. I think there is something bittersweet about sleeping in the bed alone all this time. In one way it makes me sad, on the other hand, I don't have a 180lb unremorseful jerk sleeping next to me every night. If I cry, I cry alone.

So lady, you are my hero! BTW, what kind of a loser lets girls like us go?

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:47 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

I love this thread!! I was on a role with the 180...feeling good. Then all of a sudden this week I feel sad, like I'm taking steps back emotionally. I hate this. I try to keep reminding myself that I deserve better and what a douche bag he really is......I will be so happy for the day when its no longer a constant struggle. It helps to hear about others successes and sometimes slip ups with this.


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

freshstart78,

One day at a time my friend...one day at a time. Some days I feel like a huge failure and some days I feel like I'm doing good.

What did you do for yourself this week when you were feeling down? Are you doing anything this weekend? Do you have plans with friends or family? What are you going to do for you?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

freshstart,

I had been doing exactly what you are doing. I would constantly rethink my decision everyday. But, I have to keep telling myself that I deserve better. It's one day at a time. I get thoughts of backing out, changing my mind, then have to tell myself, NO WAY! I'm strong and me and DS deserve better.

180...180....180
It's the only way to go until the judge signs.

Happy 180 everyone!


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Yesterday was good. NC and there was no interaction with WS because we had no reason to communicate.

I realized yesterday that NC=No New Hurts is true, but that doesn't mean the same old hurts aren't still there and swirling through my head.

I also called and refilled my AD meds. I've been off of them for at least a month and I can tell there is a difference.

Anyway...this 180 is hard but it's for me. I am still on the roller coaster...but I don't have a WS watching me go up and down and up and down.

Hopefully it gets better and gets easier.

I still feel like if he started to show the slightest bit of kindness or interest that I'd be off the 180 and jump at the chance for any kind of Reconciliation.

I have my weekend planned and I hope all of this 180ing pays off in the long run and I can remain strong.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Newmom.....u are so right....keeping busy is key when those moments of doubt, saddness, or even anger hit me. I have a great friend who is so supportive.....when I'm doubting or feeling week I text/call her....she talks me down..lol....this week when I knew STBXWH was coming by to get 15 yr old daughter I made sure I was gone....escaped to friends house.lol. I have been doing this for weeks. It helps tremendously not having to see him. Its his daily texts that I hate. I only contact him about kid stuff that he needs to know about. I do not reply to his texts that he sends trying to engage me...." so this is how its gonna be....just business? Why cant we be friends?" REALLY??!! Last time I checked friends don't treat one another like he has treated me. I have no interest in being his friend so he feels better about what he has done. I am all about being civil when we have to be around one another for kid functions. But I do not care how he is doing nor do I want him asking me how I am doing.....so now he flips it on me that I am being difficult because I don't return his chit chat texts. Then I get pissed at myself for doubting what I am doing. That's when I come on SI and read......and then I realize whet I am doing is the right thing for me. I thank you all for ur heartfelt posts because I draw strength from everyone here.


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Whatdoto......yes 180 is the only way to heal. Until I started it I was a complete mess. I didn't think 180 would help....but there is no way to explain how once u decide to try it and keep trying even when u slip up, it really does make u feel better. When I'm feeling weak I try to remember the feelings of empowerment gave me when I successfully stuck to the 180. That helps.....along with keeping busy. When those moments come and the above things don't work, I try to let myself feel those feelings and then remind myself that the person I miss and loved is no longer there....just the shell of the good man he once was. I know he is so unhappy.....but I gave him a chance and the gift of recovery.....he chose for 2 yrs to not take that.....its not so much the affair anymore that bothers me( don't get me wrong......it still hurts like hell sometimes) its how he handled himself afterwards. That's what has shown me his true colors and how he is really not the person I thought he was. We deserve better!!!!!! I love u guys and draw strength everyday from the wisedom of everyone here!! Thank u so much for ur words of support!!!!


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Newmom.....I'm so glad u got back on ur AD. I did the same about 2 months ago and its what really helped me do better with 180. They helped me with my racing thoughts. My mind was all over the place. I would get overwhelmed so easily and my emotions would take over. the AD helped tremendously with that. And I'm so happy and proud of u for having a successful day yesterday with ur 180!!!!! U go girl!!!!!!!! Here's to another successful 180 day!!!


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Ugh! Having a rough day maintaining my generally successful 180. Anxious, feeling abandoned, and fighting a terrible irrational urge to call my STBXWW with all the pathetic crap, all manifestations of reasoning with her and essentially begging her to come back.

Don't worry--I absolutely won't give in to the impulse and really have left these pointless behaviors behind--but would like some advice on how to work through these internal moments.

I hate this rapid cycling; only twenty four hours ago I felt good, then this comes on with seemingly no conscious trigger.

Sorry, I hadn't read some of the more recent posts to this thread. These are helpful.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 12:35 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 12th (Friday)

My 180 went right out the window last night. I had been doing well for the past few days. I texted him to see if he was keeping his VA counseling appointments. I have this unrealistic hope that IF he tells his counselor what he has been doing the past two months, she will talk some sense into him.

Wishful thinking.

I have to get back on the horse.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Abbondad, I hear you! I have noticed that I can start the day off in a good mood and feeling great and there will be 4 or 5 times where I cycle between utter despair, sadness, feelings of worthlessness, feeling strong again, and then back to tears. Then there are days that start off crappy and I find then I get distracted and I'm fine. I think the key is to STAY BUSY. I remember right after DDAY I would read about how you should only have a few things planned to do and of course...take a shower. Now it seems like I need to have most of my day packed or busy with work and the thoughts don't consume me.

It's all in our heads. Nothing has changed, nothing is happening, no new light bulb has gone off in our WS' head...but we still experience the cycle of emotions as if something has just happened. It's all of the triggers...and for me...everything is a trigger right now.

Hang in there and plan for your Saturday and Sunday. What will you be doing? Who will you be with?

Anyone have any good mantras or sayings that help you while you are stuck in the bad feelings? I feel like it's always the bad feelings (and sometimes some good ones too) that make me want to reach out and communicate. I have one mantra from CoDependent No More: IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing I say or do can change this situation or how my WS feels about me.

hangingontohope7: Don't beat yourself up. Get back on the 180 horse. Just pretend that he already went to see the counselor and it didn't change a thing. More importantly, what do YOU need to heal? IDK your story, but when I focus on my WS and the things he needs to change I realize that I'm not focusing on me.

Keep your chins up kiddies and remember, there is no magic bullet out there. We will all be stronger and better after all is said and done. Remember, you didn't ask for any of this stuff to fall on your lap or into your life, but it's the way you react to this and pick yourself up that shows how amazing you are. You did not crumble even though it feels like sometimes.

Our lives go on and on and on and on whether our WS wants to be with us or not. We are amazing and they are the ones who will be left out in the cold in the end.

STAY STRONG MY GOOD PEOPLE.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Here is another good 180 Mantra:

If someone is strong enough to bring you down, show them you are strong enough to get back up.

But please, don't tell them. Show them by working the 180 correctly.

Let's hope I can take my own advice. :)


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 12th (Friday)

I texted him to see if he was keeping his VA counseling appointments. I have this unrealistic hope that IF he tells his counselor what he has been doing the past two months, she will talk some sense into him.

That's funny. (Well, not funny funny.) My STBXWW has this thing about her sporadic therapy--subtext, "Hey, I am going to start therapy again; there's a crumb of hope for you, cuz see? I'm gonna fix my problems. Now all you need to do meanwhile is sit tight while I continue use to cake eat."

So today she texted me that she is canceling her therapy appt.

Me: "OK."

A good 180 day so far.

(I know, it would've been better if I hadn't even responded, but she needed to know something about DS's ear infection.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Doing quite well except we went to the financial guy tonight and I stopped at my sister in laws on the way home. He asked me where I had been and I automatically told him. Palm to the forehead!!!


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Anyone have any good mantras or sayings that help you while you are stuck in the bad feelings?

I have a few I've used at different stages on this roller coaster:

"He is no longer my husband, he is no longer my love, he is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks."

"Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."

"NC = No New Hurts."

"Breaking NC means ego kibbles for him. Let the fucker starve."

"There are no fish in this pond. This pond has no water. Fuck Off."

I used to have to fight the urge to contact him to beg him to try to fix himself and our M. That only lasted a month or two then I had to fight the urge to contact him to unleash hell.

I always felt worse after breaking NC. Sharing my emotion with him was like sharing my energy with him. He deserves no more of my energy.

NC has been a lot easier since I worked out that it delayed my healing and did nothing but give him ego kibbles.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 12th (Friday)

NewMom: the only way I think I made it was because I had good friends and family who backed me up. If 180 becomes a team effort with your support system, I think it helps keep you accountable. I had 2-3 friends who told me they didn't care what time of the day... If I even think about calling him, to call them. And I did!


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

Strongbutbroken,

I like this one:

"Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."

Of course "all you have to do" is easier said than done. ;-) What you're talking about is the eternal battle between the head and the heart. I KNOW the truth. But those damned feelings are deep and, in this case, insidious and poisonous to my wellbeing.

What I am getting a bit better at, though, is knowing when I am suffering as a result of feelings. This is when I say to myself (aloud when I am alone), "These are just feelings. And these feelings are lies. They are playing tricks on your mind, making you hope for what cannot be, what was not, and what will not occur."

"Pity me that the heart is slow to learn/What the swift mind beholds at every turn."

--Edna St. Vincent Millay


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
silentlyscreamin
New Member
Member # 34792
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

sorry i am late on posting this. It's not really related to 180 as much as when some of you were asking for some good mantras. I don't have one per say but this poem helps me.

"After A While"

After a while
you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn
with every good-bye you learn.

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall


Married 5 years
DD 12/31/11 EA
DD#2 12/27/12 PA, started 9/12, ended 12/12
Status: living together due to finances but I feel continued anger and am leaning 95% toward divorce

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2012
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 15th (Monday)

This weekend was good. I definitely had my moments of sadness and feelings of wanting to DO SOMETHING to gain control over the situation. When you let go of the outcome you can start to doubt yourself and think...did I make this bad situation worse by not controlling my emotions after the fallout of the A? Should I have curbed my anger? Made my marriage a safer place to be than I already did? Should I do this or say that and maybe we can all be a family (things I've already said and done).

I find that these feelings seem so intense when they happen and if I just endure them then I'm fine by the time I tuck myself in at night. In addition to IT DOESN'T MATTER...I've also been telling myself DO NOTHING!

I did slightly slip up yesterday when WS texted to ask about the baby. The baby was wearing a Daddy's little rock start onsie and I replied with a pic. He responded that the baby looked awesome and he couldn't wait to see him. I said, "he is going to flip when he sees you, you are missed." That was me feeling like a softy...feeling like here we are at almost 5 months old and the three of aren't all together.

This week I'm going to see my IC and I'm starting up my AD again after being off of them for over a month. I'm also having lots of fun with my little cherub.

How was your weekend and your 180?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Popping in to offer encouragement to all of you, and a potential mantra.

I wielded humor as a weapon during my D process, and when I would want to chew out wasband or ask him about something the kids mentioned or whatever the challenge to NC might have been, I would mentally replay the scene in "Meatballs" when Bill Murray was giving his campers a pep-talk while they were being crushed by the team from Camp Mohawk -
"It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!"

Whatever he had to say? It just didn't matter. Whatever question was burning inside my brain? It just didn't matter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9mf3Bypyk8


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25834 | Registered: Aug 2011
brokenfinger
New Member
Member # 39586
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 15th (Monday)

I had a moment like that last Sunday, when I was trying to talk to the shitface about custody. He kept digressing into, what I walked in on, that night. I refused to discuss it, I have closure, not sure why he doesn't.
I had actually asked him to help me move, and then realized, yeah...that was a bad idea. I would ask a friend to help me move, he is not my friend, and I have no desire to make him my friend, or be his friend. He is a shitty shitty person.
Don't get me wrong, I have my moments where I miss....well...hmmm....my old life, the comfort of routine, the safeness of thinking life was good, the companionship of a friend.
Then I remind myself it was all a lie, and I don't want to live like that.
Like most of you, I do well with the 180 most days, but we are all human, and we make mistakes, we hurt, we cry, we are saddened, and we want answers to know why. Letting go is one of the biggest steps to the 180, at least for me.
First family court day this week, so we will see how my 180 goes lol


There is no stronger message, then dirt in your face.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 15th (Monday)

great thread and good job everyone
I have started and failed the 180 at least 20 times this year but I just got back on the wagon on Saturday at 2:30pm
I have not had even 7 days where I didn't have to see WH since DD because of work and because of false R but now I can carve out two months and I am going to do it!
I am not going to do anything but heal me and love my family and make plans for my new life
I love plans and have avoided making then for years cause WH would be in and out and change is mind and I would be hurt
thanks for all the help this year
I am going to keep posting thanks


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Hi all,

Thanks for everyone who is posting in this thread. When I first read the 180, it made me cry because it seemed so geared towards presenting an improved self that the WS would want to return to. Since my then-STBXWH had zero remorse and couldn't wait to be done with me, it just felt hurtful and useless, like it didn't apply to me at all.

Since divorcing and getting stronger, I've started to see how the 180 is something you do for yourself, not for your WS. I'm still working on this and some days are definitely better than others. Seeing the posts here by members who are going through D, and are still benefiting from the 180, is very encouraging.

Thanks!


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 932 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Mine went great for four days--a record for me, I think. I was a basket case as I missed the kids so much, though.

Then it all went to hell this morning when the WW hoovered me in person. Now she is pressing her advantage by texting "nurturing" sentiments.

I am not responding. Back on the horse.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Something that helped me when I was getting wistful emails/texts from the sad clown was having all of his texts vetted by a close friend who I forwarded everything to without reading it and they only sent me the parts that needed responding to.

That way I didn't have to resist the urge to respond nor did I have to put myself through even reading the crap he was spewing.

I only needed to do it for a month or so and the improvement was astonishing. These days I skim his texts/emails and only focus on the parts that need responding to. I throw the rest away.

He can still yank my chain sometimes but as NIK (I think) once so eloquently put it:

"They know which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!"

The 180 is for you. Time, space and distance will help you detach. It takes a while to clear the BS fog.

NC = detachment = healing = indifference.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 15th (Monday)

He can still yank my chain sometimes but as NIK (I think) once so eloquently put it:

"They know which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!"

Guilty as charged. And it is SO TRUE!


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25834 | Registered: Aug 2011
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Just an obvious observation about the 180, its power and necessity:

My four-day NC "marathon" was very helpful in that it allowed me to look back on our relationship without rose colored glasses. This is crucial in maintaining my painful trudge forward through divorce.

However, my face-to-face meeting with my WW yesterday blew me instantly back to square one (her hoovering made it even worse).

Now today, sure enough, I find myself missing her, and "plugging her into" the home, activities, remembering all the good times--and conveniently ignoring the horrors she has visited upon our family.

At least I now see the patterns of my emotions, but it's still hard.

Back to the 180.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Hi!

My kids and I are making caramel apples tonight--just the sort of activity my STBXWW loved.

I am fighting the urge to shout at her (via text), "What the HELL could be more important than making caramel apples with your family--the most precious sort of memory to feast on when you are old!!??"

But I won't, of course.

Unfathomable what our spouses have done.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

My 180 is going well. Went to Yoga after work and that always makes me feel better. Sometimes I cry at the end when you lady down, but this time I tried to turn my sad feelings into good feelings by telling myself I'll be ok no matter what.

WS brought the baby home last night and we were both very kind to each other. I was "happy" and just smiled at him and the baby. He talked to me about his job and his weekend and he had big fat tears welled up in his eyes when he talked about not seeing the baby for the whole weekend and having to work late last night and getting very limited time with DS. I said, don't worry, you two will spend all day Saturday together.

He then asked if it would be alright if he took the baby to a Zombie Walk Marathon thing this weekend...(ummmm....no!!!) and I said, sure (translation= NO!). For a minute I thought he was going to ask me to come along too but that never happened. I just continued to smile and thanked him for watching the dogs this weekend while we were out of town.

It was that little moment where I realized I wasn't invited that I could feel my heart kind of drop...like when you are on one of those amusement park rides where the elevator drops. It reminded me of how effed up this situation is.

Then he left and I went to bed to watch some TV. Maybe I'm lying to myself, but I think this is really hard on him too. When I'm 180ing, and I'm not the roller coaster raging angry b*&ch that according to him drove him away, I think it suck that he has to walk out the door and leave us there. He always kisses the baby goodbye and pets the dogs and this time he was about to come at me like he was going to hug/kiss/pat me on the back...IDK..but he didn't. Sometimes I think he wishes he could be with us. I know he does...he's just too messed up to figure out how to do it.

Anyway, the point of the 180 is for me to feel good about me no matter what he is doing, thinking, or feeling. I know I'm bound to slip up and I can feel his eyes on me when we are in the same room...I see him trying to catch my eye and I just look at the baby and smile.

When we get along like this I just see danger ahead....this is the cycle...calm, exchanging niceties, then we hang out, then we sleep together, then I get mad, then I explode, then he pulls away. I just have to work the 180 so I don't get caught up in cycle again.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:17 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Abbondad,

It sucks when you are doing something and you feel like one of your limbs is missing. It sucks even harder when you think that she is not there because of the choices she made....and that she could be there if she really wanted to.

It sucks...it all sucks...but some days suck less than others. I'm hoping that your feelings were fleeting and the caramel apple fun took over.

You are an awesome dad and a wonderful husband. I read your posts and it shows how much you love your WW. It's tough when you wish you could save them from themselves. My WS is really missing out. Sometimes when we do interact I'm spending most of my time showing him what new thing the baby is doing these days. It's like show and tell...watch DS do this, watch DS in his jumperoo, look at how DS reacts to this cartoon...and he's only 4 1/2 months old. I doubt I'll be in the mood for show and tell forever...but he is really missing out.

Aren't we lucky that we get to enjoy these precious kids? I keep thinking about people who suffer greater tragedies than a Wayward Spouse and I think that I'd much rather be in my shitty position than in someone else's shoes. I'm so blessed to have this baby and no matter what happens DS and I will always be a family.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Mind if i join? I think i need to participate in this thread. My situation is more f-ed up than I can post. It''s hard cause there is family staying with us that has no idea and we are sleeping in the same bed. I''ve been using the bed to ambush him and try to get him to work on the marriage as he states he wants to do but since the requested actions haven''t followed I feel we are on the way to D. My reasoning is not working, he''s in fact hanging out late tonight which is a first since D day. I told him last night I officially gave up, now I''m trying to follow through with the 180 even though a huge part of me is still desperate to save our marriage so we can be a family for our one year old who loves when we are together....

My challenge is to act like I don''t give a crap where he went and be cheerful instead of mean or depressed


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I realised yesterday I hadn't thought about my EXWH for over 24 hours. It was such an amazing feeling.

I then texted him to remind him about our daughter's show today as I KNEW he would have forgotten. I did it for her, not him. If he hadn't shown, I'd have got the moaning so it was kind of for my own sanity.

I sometimes wish I wasn't such a caring person because I still care about him as a fellow human being and wish him well etc. Which is made all the more difficult by having children and not being able to have 100% NC which would be what was happening in an ideal world.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Thank you everyone for sharing your 180 stories.

NC/180 really does help stabilize the roller coaster. I feel like I have a little more clarity and everything doesn't feel like an emotional emergency.

Today has been a good day. I feel good about myself and about the job I'm doing taking care of the baby, going back to work full time, and taking care of the dogs all on my own.

Today I'm focusing on the fact that even though many marriages have their challenges, one shouldn't have to try this hard.

I didn't betray my spouse, I was a good wife, lover, and friend to my spouse. I didn't deserve for him to betray me the way he did nor did I deserve the blame shifting and justification that followed.

I guess in my quest to DO NOTHING about this situation that I notice now more than ever that my WS isn't doing anything either...nor has he been...to fix this situation.

Sometimes I think he just wants to keep us at arms length so he can eventually drop the hammer down when it's a little more acceptable. If he officially left us before he would look like an Ahole (in his mind because he is already an Ahole for what he has done), but maybe if the baby is a little older he can act like he tried to make it work or maybe he isn't so bad.

Anyway..it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what he thinks or what he does or doesn't do. Going to Yoga again tonight and he and I have our baby exchange again tonight. I'll try not to be so enthusiastic this time.

ETA: He is already an Ahole.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 3:33 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Good 180/NC today. Just choked up a bit in the early evening as usual, as this was when the WW would arrive home to our family in the good old days.

Just now she face-timed the kids and we caught each others' eyes for a moment on the screen. She choked up when she saw me but I held steady.

(Sad "yay me.")


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

good job all
I have not contacted my STBXWH for almost 5 days and I am proud
I think about him almost all day
I fill my time and act fine but I am now tied with my all time record of NC
I have never had more days than this where I didn't have to see and work with him
thanks


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

What are you supposed to do in 180 in response to affection and kindness. I know to play it cool when he''s having his bursts of anger though I want to tell back but when he tries to cop a feel or bring me lunch? I feel I did well today was terse with texts etc. He offered to bring me lunch and I declined.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 19th (Friday)

careerlady,

This is a good question. How do you respond to positive attention while 180ing. Invitations to do things as a family? This is dangerous territory. I'm trying to stick to my guns and follow the 180...and it really helps...but I feel guilty if I'm too closed off because I keep thinking will my WS see it as rejection.

I think in the past I've been advised to "close the bakery" so that my WS can't cake eat. I don't think he is in contact with his AP anymore (we don't live together anymore so I don't know for sure). But I wonder sometimes if I'm increasing the divide between us when we should be spending time together as a family. Maybe I need some 2x4's.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

All of this makes me very sad and cry, with a painful knot in my throat. I just returned from a week away with my dd7. STBX picked us up at the airport. I kept minimal contact during vacation except when he wanted to communicate with DD.

I did not cry during vacation. Before I left, I awoke every morning finding it very hard to breathe - maybe it was a panic attack. During vacation, it never happened. Only my parents know that I am separated. It was a nice break to be around people who care for me - parents, cousins, aunt, sibling and family. What makes it worse it that DD wanted to spend the night at her father's place tonight after spending every day with me for the past 7 days. I feel alone and lonely.

Now that I am back, I begin sobbing. I was hoping that STBX would see what a mistake he made and would come back to dd and me.


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

During vacation, DD asked if we could see a movie together with her dad "as a family". It breaks my heart that she so much wants her family back together.

Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

During vacation, DD asked if we could see a movie together with her dad "as a family". It breaks my heart that she so much wants her family back together.

So sorry. I'm in the same situation. My son keeps lamenting that "we should do things as a family," "I just want our family together," etc. After I do my best to reassure him that everything will be OK--different versions of this--I have to go in the other room to cry.

It infuriates me that STBXWW has done this to him. My poor son. (Six year old daughter seems fine, thank god.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

10 days, double my last record of NC and it is still hard I want to talk some sense into him I want to yell and insult him I want to say how dare you I want him to help repair this mess he made,
How can he just leave it this way how can he not wake up how can he just let our family disappear how can he want the OW
I made a list a few nights ago about what I would want in a partner and the WH is none of them any more (not for years) but I hope he will return cause he is my kids father
I know if he has been this person for years the person I thought he was is never coming back
I hate driving myself
I hate going out myself
I hate this life
I am doing it
I have been doing it and selling the merits for over a year but I don't want this
I want to be curled up on the couch with my husband and kids and making plans for the cottage and being a family
NC works I have no new hurts just the old ones not leaving
This site is full of people who are so good and strong
Maybe I should have been born in the 40's maybe I don't think anyone will ever love me
Sorry off topic
I am still on the NC wagon
Thanks


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Flawless 180 N/C yesterday: WW called kids to say goodnight. She could have called my son's phone but called mine. I did not pick up and just passed it to my kids.

Afterward she sent a few texts asking about the kids and our dog--pointless ones.

I did not respond.

Tomorrow I file. I am sure the "nice" texts will dry up pretty quick once she is served.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Hi All,

You are doing really well with your 180ing. It's hard to do, so celebrate the days you do it well.

This weekend wasn't that hard, but I definitely could have done better. I seriously considered doing something with my WS and the baby on Saturday, you know, to act like we are the family that we are not during the week. I came on to SI and asked for some 2x4s and ended up not going. Sunday I had a weak moment in the morning and asked him to do something with me...just me....he had to work. Thank God!

I'm doing the best I can. I think a couple of us have said this, NC=No New Hurts but we still have the same old hurts.

Some days I think...ok, I'll put up with the blame shifting and justification if he just came back home. But he isn't trying to come back home at all. We are just coparenting and that is it. I miss him but I don't really know why I miss him. I just wish he would want to be with us...and I know that what I and the baby represent is chained down married life. But it still hurts and I still take it personally. He has said in the past that I made him so miserable he had to go out and have his A. Obviously that is BS. But it still hurts that he thinks he would be a good husband to someone else...that it's me that is the problem. Why do I still have feelings for someone like this? Why couldn't I get one of those remorseful WS's?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Last night was hard, but I did it! WS brought the baby home and did a few things around the house while I gave the baby his bath. We were nice and cordial to each other. 180 is helping so much. I had an eye infection this week and he was texting me about it...asking how I'm doing...etc. I just respond with short answers..."much better, thank you."

Then he dropped a bomb on me...and I could tell he felt awful about it. He has to go back to OW's town for work...which is how his A started. I felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me, but I didn't let it show. I'll probably post about this in another thread because I really need support. I went against all of my instincts (that have usually gotten me no where) and just said, "oh, that sucks." I didn't ask if he was going to see her, if he was talking to her, what his plans were. I was calm...he repeated that he would rather be here with DS and he was coming toward me like he was going to hug me and I just stayed seated.

I'm really going to have to plan ahead in the next few days on how I'm going to get through this weekend. This isn't the first time he has gone back....but considering where we are now (remaining civil and friendly, but not trying to mend the relationship) this makes me nervous...understandably so.

Anyway...if you are reading this and you are doing your 180...please post your progress. I want to hear how you are doing. I know it's hard. Hang in there folks. It does get easier. Just a few weeks ago I would have reacted by rattling off a barrage of text messages once he left the house. I didn't. 180 helps.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:38 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I blew it on day 12!
I wanted to say one sentence about our son and it sounded like he cared and I pushed to see if he liked having no contact and if this is the way he wanted life to be with nothing between us and he said yes
Why am I so stupid!
If he cared he would have apologized and try to fix his broken family and he would try to talk to me and he didn't
It's still me saying please love me and make my family whole to him who can't do one thing cause he Has ILYBNIL issues
I guess I am not what he wanted and I just have to get my head out of my ass and figure out a way to be happy without who I thought he was
Back to day one !
Sorry


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Just wanted to post about the wonders of the 180 when you do it right. I had tried to successfully 180 for a long time. I'm a week shy of 5 months past DDay. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I also had a big hurdle this week and I made it past. I guess my ultimate goal was/is to detach. I'm pretty sure I'm headed for D, but I couldn't pull the trigger so fast without getting myself on emotionally stable ground.

So here is what happened:

Tuesday night my WS dropped off the baby and informed me that he had to go to OW's town for work where he would go for work once a month through the final trimester of my pregnancy (they were also at it through constant phone calls/texts when they were apart). He is flying in and driving with a coworker to another location 4 hours away. He stated that he really didn't want to go and that he would rather be here with DS (not me and DS, just DS). I said, "Ok."

Here are the things I didn't do:
-I didn't ask him if he was still in contact with OW
-I didn't ask him if he planned on seeing OW
-I did not get emotional in front of him
-I did not text him after he left asking him where we stand, what his plans are, when he is departing, returning..etc.

I saw him again on Wed night and Thu night and again only talked about the baby.

The 180 is working because this isn't the first time he has had to go back since DDay. He had to go back 4 subsequent times after DDay and he confessed to seeing OW again to "break it off" on his first trip back after DDay. He claims on the other trips he didn't see her again, but I'm not holding on to that because obviously this person has been known to lie and he even lied before and after that trip and stated that he didn't see her. He confessed to seeing her one last time in MC.

Anyway, long story short...180 is helping. I might have a false sense of strength right at this moment, but if I fall apart, he will never know about it.

I'm also back on my AntiDepressants...making weekend plans with friends...and enjoying my quality time with my bouncing baby boy.

How are you doing with your 180?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Good job 180 riders!!

Mantras... A long long time ago I posted a thread about a mantra I had running in my head to the tune of La Cucaracha. Language warning!!

I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you. Why don't you pay your child support?

Anyway. There were several other versions and were quite creative! I don't have access to that thread anymore, but the tune is a simple one. Just having the background noise and the focus kept me from responding to him.

As for the "I wish we could do things as a family." I explained to my boys that we were still a family. We weren't broken or missing anything, we were just different now from how we used to be. I have two boys and so I used a lot of 3 symbols such as the strength of the triangle and the importance of the Trinity. Find a way to make your new dynamic (whatever the number is) important and whole. Focus on the new traditions.

You can do this!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5864 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, July 29th (Monday)

today was good....

I pressure washed my driveway and porch and tried to think of how I was before I met XWH.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2240 | Registered: Jan 2012
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 29th (Monday)

This past week and weekend my 180 was completely broken .......and it sucked. I was the fool once again to try toget him to see where my sudden change of working together tutu this divorce came from. He refuses and his exact comment to me was "the only thing I did wrong was have an affair"......yes he said that. I lost it and was once again trying too reason with stupid. Andi allowed him once again to make me feel likeeverything is my fault. I am done.....done trying to reason with a man who is sick in the head and has to make himself hate me to feel better about bring with OW because he knows its all he is worthy of at this point in his life.I am back on the180 and NC. I have to work on my self and that's all I can do. I struggle daily with my actions that led to affair and my craziness afteraffair. I need to work at letting go of my guilt and shame over my failed marriage and forgiving myself for a lot of things.....I have to find a job and take care of my kids.....I have to find me again........


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 29th (Monday)

This just sucks....no matter how much I want this divorce and know I could never trust him again.....I just cant stop being sad over that 17 yr old boy I met and fell in love with. I know he is gone.......but I look at my 18 yr old son who reminds me so much of his dad at that age......we get along so good and I think that is a little reasonwhy.....I see my son preparing to become a dad any moment now......and how much my son relies on me and looks to me for guidedance thru this.......how this is a happy time for our family.....Gods way of showing us life goes on and what's really important. I went back to church last week to get help from God and church...to let go and help forgive myself....be truly happy again. Its just hard not to think of yes we need to be divorced and it will be done soon.....but when can he try to see just a little that its not just all me...why do I even still care what he thinks is the bigger question I guess. 180 and NC are the only way....the only times ive felt better is when I do those.....NC=no new hurts is so true. Pls send good thoughts and strengt my way. Love u guys


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 29th (Monday)

freshstart78,

One thing that has helped me was that I realized (actually a friend told me this) that I don't have to have everything figured out in one day, one week, or even one month.

Do the 180 and take baby steps. I know how it feels when you just want to strike back and say, I don't deserve this, I don't need you, I'll show you!!! I've had enough!! But it's going to take baby steps for you to get to the place you visualize when you think of a future without him.

First things first...get back on the 180 train. Secondly, try to stop the negative train of thought about how your actions could have led to his A. Those are his thoughts, his feelings, his justifications.

I'm not saying that you were perfect and there weren't things that you could have done differently in your marriage, but that doesn't make someone cheat. Every marriage has challenges. Every single marriage. Every relationship. Even the next one that you will have will have challenges. I think there is a time to do an evaluation or inventory of what went wrong...but right now you need to focus on detaching so that your conversations are limited and his comments don't lead you to responding in ways you will regret.

Right now just practice being consistent. You are doing great. You have awareness, which is much more than he has.

I would get caught up in the feelings of wanting this all to be over...I need to get an apartment, get an attorney, get my new life started...moving on with my life...but I've realized...I need to just be ok with where I am now and detach, detach, detach.

Sending you strength. It's a new week sister....you can do this!!!!!!


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Just wanted to post about my 180. I spent the weekend in my pajamas with the baby. We only left the house for necessities. After a long and exhausting work week it was nice to wind down. This is also the time that WS is out of town for work in OW's town.

For some reason I had a lot of mind movies this weekend that I had never had before. I always read "mind movies" and thought, oh thank goodness I don't have those. But this weekend they came at me in full force.

I also had some weepy moments where I felt like "less than." Even though the OW is gross and not attractive in my eyes (or compared to me), she obviously had my WS' attention and I started thinking that I'll never represent what the OW represented to him. Those initial feelings of lust, wonder, discovery, excitement that one gets when starting a new relationship. I felt saddened about that for some reason. Maybe I'm destined to feel that with someone else and I should be grateful for an opportunity to be treated the way I deserve to be treated.

I don't know...it's a mixed bag. But at least I'm in a much better place than I've been before. I'm just getting used to my new way of living I guess.

He texted asking about the baby and I just said that he was doing great and sent him a pic of our beautiful boy.

This week I'm focusing on myself and taking three weeks to change up my diet. I want to lose more baby (and prebaby) weight and get my body in good shape. Making realistic goals and getting on a good schedule.

How did your 180 go this weekend?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I had to go to a baby shower for my best friend (and former partner) and his new wife (who is now a good friend). Seeing them so happy and established made me sad. I miss having that and the idea of it being years before I even have the chance of establishing that with someone else is painful to face.

I also saw some college friends at the shower who are successfully partnered off, pregnant or with babies and it made this empty feeling seem even more profound.

I guess the thought that keeps going through my head is: why don't I get to do this? I did everything "right." I loved him, was faithful, did everything I could to help us build a happy life together. We rarely fought, I thought we were happy. Why was he willing to give all of that up for.... ????

(I have to say "????" because with 180/NC and geographic distance I have no idea what he's doing now!)

For the first time since DDay#2 I've had the thought that I'd like to speak to him. Ask him those questions. Stop having nightmares about him calling to tell me they are living together, that he's in love with her-- find out what's really the case. As more time goes on and I heal, I'm finding it harder and harder to hold on to my anger and recognition of the 1,000 sh*tty things he did to me this past year. I'm remembering the happiness of the previous 10+.

Maybe it's the exposure to couples and babies that's causing this but, I'm starting to miss him really profoundly. God help me.

... Also.... at lunch the other day a girlfriend mentioned to me that I have NC-ed him so hard (blocked on FB and other sm) and maintained it so well that maybe I've made it too hard for him to get the courage to contact me. I know this is wrong-headed for a lot of reasons, but I can't help but feel a little worried that she's right.

I need a major 180/NC tune up!!!!!

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:04 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 29th (Monday)

PL,

Seeing them so happy and established made me sad. I miss having that and the idea of it being years before I even have the chance of establishing that with someone else is painful to face.

Yes…I’ve been there. It’s like that scene in Back to the Future where Marty sees his siblings start to fade in the picture. You see what you thought was your future start to fade and disappear. WS and I always said we wanted more than one child…but after all of this it was like watching my future baby fade away. I just keep focusing on the fact that I don’t know what is in my future. His behavior is showing me that might have a better chance at happiness without him. Right now he isn’t giving me ANY future at all. It’s like I was written out of a play.

I did everything "right." I loved him, was faithful, did everything I could to help us build a happy life together. We rarely fought, I thought we were happy. Why was he willing to give all of that up for.... ????

I feel you. You did do everything right. Now you have to do everything right for this particular circumstance and that is exactly what you are doing right now. You are taking care of yourself and you have removed yourself from a situation where you have been emotionally abused.

No one can ever take your memories away from you, not even him. He WAS there. He made a commitment to you and you believed him. You had no reason to doubt him until he gave you one. He gave it all up because there is something really, really, really wrong with him. Not because she’s amazing and the love of his life. Not because the OW has something you don’t. Not because of anything that happened or didn’t happen in your marriage. It’s something that is wrong with him…insecurities, lack of empathy, entitlement, emptiness….
I’m not just saying that because he was unfaithful…I’m saying it because for someone to do a complete switch like our WS’ have done…to me that’s a sign of a real mental problem. Mine detached from me while I was pregnant. When other men are stepping it up to get ready for baby, mine was snapping at me, ignoring me, and telling someone else that he loved her. (Like you, I also hold on to the fact that he has said since DDay that he didn’t love her. Sometimes I find it hard to believe, but he’s been so cold about other things why wouldn’t he just tell me if he did?)


For the first time since DDay#2 I've had the thought that I'd like to speak to him….

I don’t know if I would initiate this if I were you. Talk to your IC about it. My WS wouldn’t answer my questions and it drove me nuts. I saw this as the main obstacle to our R, but really, his lack of true remorse is a bigger obstacle. My IC said, “you know enough. You don't need to know anymore than you already do.” Ever since then I’ve come to accept that I know enough. I don’t need his answers.

About the anger….be glad you haven’t had the opportunity to really unleash on your WS. I have…and although it made me feel better in the moment, it just gave him something else to point at and say “see…you never loved me;” “see, you’ll never get over it;” or “see...all we do is fight.” Don’t give him the satisfaction.

I've made it too hard for him to get the courage to contact me…

No, you’ve protected yourself from any new hurts. He will come looking for you. I know he will. When he sees a crack in his pretend world he will contact you. I think right now you need to find a way to focus on yourself while you are having these feelings. This was just a hard weekend filled with triggers. Just keep thinking of the hand on the stove analogy. Don’t put your hand on the stove again sister.

I know it hurts PL….but you are doing a great job of taking care of you. And even if you did contact your WS and he did sound somewhat remorseful, in these moments of weakness you are vulnerable and he could either do some more damage or feed you a crumb and those are the worst.

Sending you strength today. I'm glad we are SI friends. Our WS' are idiots. I bet when you and I move on and find healthy and worthwhile men our WS' are going to come back looking for the same sweet girl they so carelessly discarded.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 2:43 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I flopped on 180 today.

But it was to express anger at discovery that nearly ExH was trying to be sneaky and got caught...again.

IC tells me to stand up for myself, even if it means making someone upset, so I do. It took tremendous courage to do, but I let him know that I knew what he was doing and it was wrong.

The reply came where he mostly tried to correct my grammar, catch me in a wrong and just try to bs his way out of it.

It caused me some emotion, but it was about some long term things, so I can't just be bullied anymore.

Other times, in weak states of mind, I would let it go...


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I'm joining in.

We have been separated a little over a month and except for a phone call about his daughter's grades which he ignored I have been NC for three weeks. He hasn't tried to reach me either though.

Today's 180 - I didn't text him "Fly Safely". He is flying back from a family vacation. I use to always do this.

I really want to reach out to him but considering he couldn't even respond about his daughter's grades I am going with the NC means no new hurts because when he didn't respond about something like that - boy did it hurt.

180 doesn’t really seem to help though. I feel worse then I did when we first separated. I feel as though I am just avoiding the issues almost like denial.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 29th (Monday)

NewMom0220, other than that book we're going to have to write together, I think you might also look into a future job as a hostage negotiator.

You have successfully pulled me from the brink today! I didn't contact him. I went to a farm stand, bought a bunch of fruit and cried while I made a fruit salad instead. :)

I'm glad we're SI friends, too.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I had one of the most relaxing Sundays I have had in, well, I don't remember! No work obligations, beautiful weather, DD was at work (i.e., quiet house to myself), and POS is 4,000 miles away! It was great!

I am fortunate that POS is so far away, and that makes 180 very easy. He ignores me (and the kids, apparently) and I ignore him (and the kids do to). I do not have to stress about him suddenly showing up at the house or running into him at the grocery store. Our only communication (text) relates to court stuff, and we haven't communicated in about two weeks now.

His lack of remorse, though terribly sad and heartbreaking, is truly a gift, and his subsequent running away to mommy in another state was an added bonus!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Yay PL! Crying by yourself is cool. It's my new normal. Woot woot!

I know what it's like to be on the ledge...so my hostage negotiation skills are improving these days.

Ashland13- don't be hard on yourself. You are doing an amazing job. The best thing about the 180 is that you can just climb right aboard the 180 train if you fall off. And I don't think it's a sign of weakness at all to let things go. There will come a day when you no longer care about what he thinks about you. I'm glad you have the opportunity to prove him wrong....but remember, what he thinks doesn't matter. He has screwed up thinking anyway.

Just out of curiosity, when is the baby due? How are you feeling? I hope you still have some bright spots of happiness and joy duringthis pregnancy.

stungbytravel-I feel the same way. Am I just prolonging the pain by 180ing? In a sense I have this teeny tiny hope that maybe things will turn around, but then I think about all the stuff that has happened since DDay and I don't think I can forget any of it...and as my IC says, he isn't coming banging down the door to R. So am I just prolonging D so I don't have to deal with the feelings?

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:02 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Wow NewMom that is exactly how I feel. I have some vague hope that eventually something will click in his brain and we could start to recover but yet I don't even see a light down that tunnel anymore. I gave myself a date where I would make the decision and not think about it until that day but I always think about it. Am I just delaying my new life because I have him still in mine allbeit only a paper.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I was *really* double guessing my NC/180 yesterday. Lots of crying. Really bad day.

Today, knock on wood, I haven't cried yet! I've been feeling okay. Slept in, got some work done, gardened a little, got a facial, ate a big dinner, drinking a cup of tea and checking out SI before getting back to work.

It's lonely... but it feels okay.

HOWEVER,

My facial lady knew WS (he used to come with me sometimes) and she spent the whole hour telling me that I've made it too hard for him to get in touch with me. That I should call him to find out where he's at so I can get closure. That I should ask my friend who works with him what's going on. I told her no way. She said I'm hiding away out of fear and not facing reality and I just *need* to know in order to move on. I just told her I only know what I can handle right now and that means not talking to him.

Got a call from Mom on the way home. She wanted to know if I had any "spies" who are reporting to me what he's doing on his FB page. Are you kidding? Of course not!

I'm surrounded!


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

WW calls everyday, I never answer, or I had the phone to my son and let him talk to his mom.

She's asked/complained why I don't answer the phone, I told her because I have nothing to say to her.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Everyone is doing a great job with their 180. It doesn't have to be perfect, just consistent...and remember...it's about YOU! It's about you being as detached as your WS or WW was when they had their A and during the fallout afterward. It's about you moving forward and living a meaningful life regardless of the outcome.

I have progress to report. My WS came back from his work trip yesterday and brought the baby home like he usually does. I said "welcome back" and we just talked about the baby. That's it. Before he left he said, "I'm not going on anymore of these trips. I'm gonna send someone else from now on. It's too much work and too much time away from DS."

If he would have said that 5 months ago I would have cheered and thought that meant he was taking a stand, protecting me, making our M a safe place to be. Now I just thought, "Ok."

Like my IC said, "it's not like he's banging down your door." It was just a statement he made. It had nothing to do with me. He can go on 20 more trips, move there, or never go there again. These are his choices.

Anyway....I'm proud of myself because just a few weeks ago I would have been riding the emotional roller coaster over him returning to OW's town. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't get weepy at some points this weekend....I did. I cried...I had mind movies, at one point I convinced myself that he went away to see her and wasn't working at all. I had some bad times...but they were short.....and they passed.

It's amazing what a few weeks can do. It was just 4th of July that we had an awful night and some subsequent fights and more text exchanges after that. I feel more at peace. Actually...I was saying to myself, "when is he going to leave" so I could get in my jammies and crawl into bed.

Life is good. 180ing brings some peace to the storm.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Well I am back from a work trip and he gets home in 6 days
I feel much better being at home and busy but it still confuses me how anyone could want this life?
I am back to a week of NC by second longest since that last 4 hours of embarrassing texts where I tried to guilt him into having guilt
ridiculous I know
I think I always was his conscious and now without me he has none!
Family is so important
I watched the way way back movie and saw that woman put her relationship before he son for a while and just don't know how this can go on I would fight him before I let him push my son or hurt his feelings
but my WH does that and ruins my sons family and then says his kids are the most important thing
OK I am back on the NC train and I just want to find my way in this new life
you are all do strong and proud
I hope some day I will not let myself down so much


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Today I left town to visit family for awhile - not escaping just a visit. WH wished me a nice trip. I did respond thank you but that was all. He still never bothered to tell me he was leaving town for two weeks. His daughter told m he left today but I am not really sure how long he will be gone.

I just think its odd that he isn't at all concerned about the house or his stuff. It's weird maybe he has a spy or is driving by when I don't know it. Not to check up on me but on the house.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

Hi,

My 180 has been spotty, as it tends to be since we share two young kids. But I've been pretty good; no horrible gaffes like "I miss you" or anything like that. Never again with that nonsense!

But here is my question: our nine year old is sick and staying home from camp with me. (We are trading off later today.).

Do I proactively text her to tell her?

If he had high fever while staying with her and she did not tell me, I would be angry.

What do you think?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

Abbondad,

If it's about the kids, then I would share that info. But you've been at this longer than me, so I don't have to tell you to keep it short, simple, and don't engage in any other conversation.

Keep it up...and if you feel like your 180 has been spotty lately then get back up on the 180 horse and start again.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I guess my 180 is going really well since I haven't posted on this thread in a while.

I feel detached to a certain degree. I don't need mantras as much as I did in the beginning. I feel a lot of things, but mostly I feel stable, solid, calmer...

Last night my friend (one of my BFFs) was over before WS brought the baby home. WS came and then hung around for a minute when he saw my friend, also one of his groomsmen, and I were having some wine. I stupidly asked him if he wanted a glass. The three of us talked for a couple of minutes. All was copacetic and then the baby started crying. I went to the nursery and so did WS. Upon seeing the three of us together my friend started crying. WS did not see this. My friend excused himself and I walked him to the car.

My friend could not stop crying. He said, seeing you three like this...I just want you guys to get back together for the baby. I comforted my friend (who is normally spewing venom about WS and what a jerk he is for doing all of this to us) and told him that we just have a new reality and I can't make WS act the way a husband is supposed to act. I can only control what I do.

My friend was shocked to see/hear me so composed and together. I told him I felt numb and my detaching is working for me right now.

Anyway, my friend wasn't the only sentimental one. When WS went to leave shortly after, I swear he said, "I love you!" I was laughing and saying something as I walked him out of our house (which now feels like my house) so I didn't exactly catch it..but I think he said I love you. I just smiled and said, drive safe, be careful.....

He stood on the porch getting his umbrella opened and he didn't look at me. When I closed the door I just went about my business and thought...that was odd.

Anyway...it doesn't matter what WS said..it's irrelevant. I guess what matters is that I don't really care about what he says, does, or thinks anymore. All hail the great 180!!!!


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Hi,

My 180 has been going well since my WW retained an attorney, who I assume told her to limit communication with me. So there has been a dramatic decrease in her fishing via texts and phone calls. This has helped me detach further and "sober up" with regard to my tendency to idealize our marriage pre-affair.

But it's still tough to see her when we trade off the kids. Leaves me emotionally rattled for a bit. But not like it used to!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

blew it again
got a text from OW who thinks she is WH's wife saying she is back in town for three weeks and is going on vacation with WH and my kids to the one place that was still ours !
holy crap I knew his I need space
I just want time but I know the affair was wrong blah blah crap was just lies
so while I give him space and struggle with my new life I don't want
he has a girlfriend and life that is still moving forward
my kids don't want to go with him
I have been selling It to them cause I know if they don't go I will be blamed even though I am the only one makin things work since I met him!
I hate NC cause all it does is give him what he wants while I just shut up about it
back on the wagon
who knows why cause I am sucking at it
you are all getting stronger and I am just getting lonelier
good job all
where do these people come from ?


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

whatamidoing,

I know exactly what you mean. I'm trying to stay strong with NC but it sucks. WH is just acting like I never existed. He is all cozy, living in our home with OW. I know NC is for the best but it seem so unfair that he is going on about his life while I'm struggling. I want to scream and rage at him. But I can't.

Hang in there. It has to get easier, right?


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

hanginon! I hope it does get better and easier soon cause after over a year of this is just seems to get different and options seem to disappear but easier not even close
my STBXWH turns out to be a coward and morally bankrupt and seems to not care about anyone but OW including himself
but NC means he can do it in peace and I can forget the hope
thanks!!!


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Obviously didn't hear from WS, but my friend--his now-secretery-- emailed me three times with recommendations for a project I asked her to look at. She dropped that one of her book recs was from an esteemed colleague she happened to meet through WS last week.

She also dropped that she has two job interviews for high level positions (she's decided to quit the position with WS next month) that she's now qualified for thanks to me "convincing" WS to give her the job shortly before DDay.

I was supposed to work there as well in a position that would have outranked her. I should have been hobnobbing with colleagues and applying to higher level jobs. Instead I had to take grunt work to reestablish myself without WS.

And word is that OW no longer works there anyway. I still don't know if that's true or why she isn't there anymore even if it is. I suppose it suggests that they broke up, but who knows. But I tend to get distracted by that fact because I totally could have handled taking the position and just ignoring my WS (I would have reported to *his* boss, not to him directly) as long as *she* wasn't there.

So I'm pissed and jealous today.

But, hey, pissed and angry is better than sad. It's like a commercial break from my usual total devastation. :)


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I can tell he sprays some cologne on before he comes in the house. Since last week the smell of pickles has permeated from him whenever he comes to pick up or drop off the baby. Last night I finally said something...it's probably some cheap cologne or a cologne that went bad in the car, but I had to tell him. I probably should have let him just walk around smelling like pickles, but oh well.

Last night the dam broke and I was back to wallowing and crying again. He says "I love you guys" now whenever he walks out the door. Tonight he said it twice and I just said, "bye!" I mean what does he expect? I can be nice, cordial, civil...but I won't say "I love you" to him ever again unless I really mean it. He atomic bomb destroyed our marriage and he loves us? Also, if I followed that breadcrumb I know where it would lead. He loves us, but he isn't "in love" with us.

Anyway, last night I started looking at old pictures again and I just lost it. I realized that I miss him. I miss him when it was the good him. I miss my husband. I cried and cried into the mattress but I was fine a few minutes later. At least I know the tear ducks still work.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

whatamidoing & hangingontohope7,

You guys are awesome and are doing a great job. It's normal to feel the way you are feeling. Keep at it...it takes practice..there is no perfect 180...it's a journey.

I hate NC cause all it does is give him what he wants while I just shut up about it

I felt this way too, except after a while I realized that I no longer cared what WS thinks, does, feels, wants, needs..etc. Keep at it and soon it won't bother you so much. You will find that the inner peace that you get from being in control of your own life is way better than worrying about what WS thinks.

you are all getting stronger and I am just getting lonelier

You are getting stronger! Give yourself some credit...180 and NC is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. It goes against EVERY impulse I have! You really have to try hard at it but every single one of us has messed up and had to get back on the 180 or NC train. You are doing great and the fact that you are on SI posting and you WANT your behavior and choices to be consistent is excellent!

Sometimes you have to make certain mistakes to learn a lesson. You just keep at it until you no longer care where he is going, where he is taking OW, or what he thinks about you. That's the beauty of the 180/NC....after a few weeks you will notice that your focus will be on YOU and not your WH!

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 11:11 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

PhantomLimb,

You sound much better today (or last night). You are doing good work girl!

Instead I had to take grunt work to reestablish myself without WS.

This is a blessing. Your life is headed in an entirely different direction then it was before and that's ok. Imagine if you would have stayed at WS' company while he continued his A with OW or even worse, moved on to another OW after that in the same company. Your connections and hobnobbing might have been for all for naught if you would have had to leave and rebuild eventually down the line anyway.

You're right though, pissed and angry is better than sad. Sometimes it's been the anger that has been the motivating factor for some of the best decisions (like kicking him out) that I've made throughout this situation.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 87