Yes, I have had 2 DDays. He has had multiple one night stands. He says that he enjoys the thrill of the chase. And much like a thread I just read, is able to compartmentalize the cheating. It is like I'm married to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
This time, I kicked his butt out and I know that he is remorseful. But, I don't think it is enough.
I don't love myself enough to demand better. I'm working on this in IC. It is awful to feel this way.
I also was raised not to just give up on a marriage. I was raised to work through the difficult times. But when can I say enough is enough?
We were on what I thought was a great path. We were talking about having a kid soon and my trust in him was rebuilding. Then, when I found out the second time, I was (and am) devastated.
I always said "I don't understand women who stay with abusive husbands." Well, now I know how they feel. It isn't physical abuse, but it hurts and it awful.
I've talked with my therapist and it seems that I seek out relationships where I will feel needed...where I can nurture someone. I want to be a provider and a caregiver. I want to save someone. I need to save myself.
He says he understands that his actions were wrong. And that he feels remorse. And that it is never happening again. But I heard this all before a few years ago after DDay 1. I don't know what to believe now.
I want to be happy. I want to be in a marriage where I love and am loved. I want to have a child. I'm almost 34 and so very afraid that no one will ever love me again and that I will never find another person to share my life with. Fear is paralyzing me.
I hope that my IC can help me work through my fear. I keep asking myself "What would I do if I wasn't afraid?" And my answer is "Leave him." But I'm afraid I'll be alone. I'm afraid he will try to ruin me financially (I'm the breadwinner and my income is several times larger than his). I'm afraid I'll regret not trying the whole "til death due us part." It all sounds stupid, I know.