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User Topic: Feel like he's 180'n me?
circleoflife
New Member
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

All the feelings and sometimes lack of feelings I'm having. There are so many at different times of the day. Right now I feel like he's 180'n me. Is this normal for someone who wants to R?


Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
Dday:4/18/13
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
Thingsfellapart
New Member
Member # 39351
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I feel the same way! I think that my husband's therapist has told him to leave me alone and not have contact so I can have my breathing room and time to figure out what I want.


Me: 33
WS: 38
D-Day 1: July 20, 2009
D-Day 2: May 9, 2013

Posts: 13 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East coast
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Ask him if he is purposely being distant. Explain how you feel vs. wondering. It is all overwhelming so the best way to get to the bottom of something is to ask. Don't assume.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I felt this way last week with my FWH, and when I asked him why he was so withdrawn from me in every way his answer was that he feels huge pressure to do a better job of getting us to a better place, he feels he is disappointing me, and he is totally overwhelmed by his confused feelings. While it was an awful conversation, in a strange way I took his comments as the first very small inkling of attention to my feelings.

I started the 180 on my side the next day, and things immediately got better. We were actually having a really good week until our conversation last night about his feelings and the MOW, and now he is withdrawn and not feeling optimistic about us again. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Anyway, the point is that I asked him why he was doing the 180 on me, and I got some useful insights from that. Good luck and sorry you are experiencing this.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

STBXH did this.

When I would ask him, he would often say that he had no reply and so simply wouldn't reply.

But, he's a person who can't stand to have anyone know that he doesn't know what to say, do you KWIM? IC said it was a little bit of narcissism, because he's so used to having some kind of answer for everything that when he's caught without an answer, he doesn't like it so the other person won't get one either.

It started happening even before the last DDay.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Bear in mind two things:

1. We all have a finite amount of emotional resources and if your WH has taken his A underground, he may be siphoning all of his emotions off to the OW;

2. Men's governing negative emotion is shame. (Women's governing negative emotion is fear/anxiety.) If he is truly remorseful he must be filled with shame at what he's done. Of course it is his job right now to make you feel safe, and him distancing himself probably isn't making you feel very safe.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Bear in mind two things:

1. We all have a finite amount of emotional resources and if your WH has taken his A underground, he may be siphoning all of his emotions off to the OW;

2. Men's governing negative emotion is shame. (Women's governing negative emotion is fear/anxiety.) If he is truly remorseful he must be filled with shame at what he's done. Of course it is his job right now to make you feel safe, and him distancing himself probably isn't making you feel very safe.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Thingsfellapart
New Member
Member # 39351
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

MysticPenguin,

Your info about governing emotions is spot-on! Thanks for this.


Me: 33
WS: 38
D-Day 1: July 20, 2009
D-Day 2: May 9, 2013

Posts: 13 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East coast
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

for what it's worth,I don't think WS is 180'n you. I think he is in the fog. Might feel the same to you but the motivation is different.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 9