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User Topic: What I've discovered in the last year...
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I've spent some time trying to figure out why I would have an A. It's was against all my morals. I looked back at prior relationships I've had and how they functioned and how they ended. Any prior relationship I've had I've been the one in control. I used to see how far I could push the envelope and then haul them back. Finally they would have enough and go. With my BW, she was different then the others. She has a strong personality which didn't allow me to even begin to do this. So instead of trying to push the envelope, I would retreat emotionally. Then I met my AP. I had no intention of anything happening. I found her interest in me coupled with her personality made her one of those people I could play that emotional game with. The one I used to so many years ago. One that made me feel like a man in control. So many times would I push her away to just hear her plead her case to be with me. If I wouldn't then I could be the one to see of I could draw her back. This worked so many times. I'm sure I could have gone on for a long time doing this. The problem I had was I didn't want to do it any more. The relationship had become physical because I had to keep going that extra step to push her and draw her back. It was getting out if control. I hated it. Being a conflict avoider, I wanted to be found out instead of just telling my BW. I didn't want to play the game any more. I had a wife I loved and a daughter who was wonderful. I had a great job and a nice house. To try and get out of the game I was playing with my AP and try and focus in my BW, I had to make myself do something that gave me control in my own marriage. The first step I did was to go and buy a brand new car without discussing it with my BW. She was upset but it made me feel like I had control. This gave me enough strength to stop the A. It wasn't that long after the A was over. A year ago today is our D Day when my AP called my BW.

What's been different in the last year? I've taken control of my life. I've taken things that caused strain in our M and dealt with them. I've fixed my snoring that caused us to sleep in different beds. I've been to the doctors and been put on ADs which has helped me deal with me trying to be in control. I've learned to like myself and realize I need others to survive. I've done more around the house then ever before. I'm focused solely on my family and my new DS. There are things I need to improve on though. I need to be more open with my BW. I also need to mature more emotionally. Though I feel I'm in a better place then I have ever been, I have a ton more work to do to help my BW be in a better place.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I've been to the doctors and been put on ADs which has helped me deal with me trying to be in control.
How exactly does this work? Sam, based on your post, you've always been a control monster. Are you legitimately dealing with the layers and issues underneath that? Why the medication? Don't the meds desensitize you thus "avoiding the conflict" of actually dealing with the issue at hand?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 12th (Friday)

It's because I never felt liked. Always a loser in school. Always made fun of being so skinny. When I can find someone to latch onto and feel like I could control then it would put me in a high. Though I'm not that same skinny loser I was years ago, I still craved the attention. The ADs in my opinion have kept me from looking back at my past and dwell on the bad parts when I was that loser that craved that attention.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 12th (Friday)

The ADs in my opinion have kept me from looking back at my past and dwell on the bad parts when I was that loser that craved that attention.
Do we not have to look thru and process our past to deal with issues of today? I was abused in my past. Surely not something I want to revisit. Who would want to!? But I found that those horrible moments helped shape me into who I am as an adult. And those horrible times had to be revisited and reprocessed to heal properly. It's like TG says. "You can't heal what you won't feel."


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I've taken control of my life.

How? And AD's is not the answer. They can be a positive tool with some issues but they don't do this

kept me from looking back at my past and dwell on the bad parts when I was that loser that craved that attention.

Until you work hard at doing things differently you are your past only thing that is different is an attempt to comply.

I think its great you are posting more. Keep it up.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 878 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Aubrie- without motivation I see myself as the person of the past. I would never be where I am today without it. My BWs perseverance has made me the successful person I am today. Unfortunately when I decided not to improve myself during our marriage I reverted back to who I was growing up. I've done a lot of that in the last year.

HL- ADs aren't the answer but they are a tool. One small tool in the large picture of repairing myself. I'm working hard at doing things differently. I do have quite a ways to go but am committed in making myself a better person for not only my BW and my children but also for me.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 12th (Friday)

My BWs perseverance has made me the successful person I am today.
Where is your perseverance and motivation for yourself? Do you have any? Is that part of "taking back control of your life"?

Maybe my lack of sleep is fogging my head but it seems that you're kind of bouncing between this "I'm in control of my life" and "My wife is my motivation". Which is it?

It's one thing to have a cheerleader in your corner. It's another thing for that cheerleader to be the driver too. The motivation has to come from within too. My husband is my cheerleader. However, I'm in the driver's seat in my healing. He's doing nothing but watching. If I stall out or revert back to old patterns, my cheerleader is bouncing out. (And rightly so)

Are you driving the HealingMobile Sam?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:44 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 12th (Friday)

My BW was my only motivation. Without her I wouldn't be where I am today. Today I'm working on being the person who doesn't need that person to push them. I'm working on being my own person who can do things on my own. It's a slow process but I believe I can do it.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Finally10
Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Hi Sam;
I donít post a lot, but Iíve read a lot of your posts, past and recent, and more and more I keep coming back to one question. What exactly are you afraid of? I get the sense that you are like the kid at the pool continuously dipping your toe in to see how the water feels. I get it though. Itís hard, but guess what? That kid at the pool never learns to swim, and to be successful in healing your relationship, or at least being a better person, you need to learn to swim like an Olympian. Early on, and even more recently, I was afraid too, afraid that I would do something wrong, to make it worse, to cause my wife to leave, but mostly I was afraid to look deeply at myself for fear I would see who I really was and be forced to acknowledge that I WAS that man in the mirror, THAT guy, the one that did and said all those crappy things and caused the hurt my wife was expressing. I really didnít like who he was or what I had become. It took a little while, but I broke myself down to the point that I was feeling like a total shit for having acted as I had and I made a decision. I went to my wife and simply said, I need a hug, and over a few hours told her what I was thinking and feeling. Big deal for me, Mr. Emotionally distant, conflict avoiding and empathy challenged person that I was. I expressed my deepest intentions not to be that man any longer. Asking for that hug, being vulnerable to her was one of the hardest things I have ever done due to some FOO issues I have, but I did it and from that point on, I adopted a ďWhatís the worst that can happen?Ē attitude with respect to being vulnerable, expressing how I feel, and being authentic with my feelings to and about her and our relationship. I let my actions speak along with the words I say. I worked hard with my IC, and I renewed my spiritual life (whatever that means for you). You can do this too, but it is not an easy path and I didnít and wonít get things right every time. All those thoughts you have kept reserved in your head about being the skinny loser in high school are so like 20 years ago. Are you going to let them rule you forever? You chose who you were then and can choose who you want to be now. You are who you choose to be today, so be the man you want to be, the man your wife deserves, dive in. Staying where you are, dipping your toes in will lead you only where you fear most, alone. Confront that, face down the man you were, commit, seriously commit to be the man you want to be, then follow that commitment with action and you will be on your way to authenticity.

You cannot heal her, nor can you control the ultimate outcome, but you can change, not deliver any more hurt and you can be worthy of her trust, worthy of her love. She will have to decide when to trust, whether and when to love but being worthy of those leads to a clear heart and mind and makes the other stuff easier. She will change in response to what and how you behave. It wonít happen overnight, and she will question your motives, she will be confused by the person she begins to see in front of her, asking herself and maybe you, is this real, is this permanent or is he conning me? She will challenge you, doubt you, for you have taught her to doubt. Prove it, show her, especially when she doubts. Your validation has to come not from her, her healing her mood, her words, but rather from within, from knowing you are doing the right thing and giving it everything you can.

After all, what do you have to lose?

[This message edited by Finally10 at 11:02 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

Finally10 is VERY right. I can certainly attest to the bit about

It wonít happen overnight, and she will question your motives, she will be confused by the person she begins to see in front of her, asking herself and maybe you, is this real, is this permanent or is he conning me? She will challenge you, doubt you, for you have taught her to doubt. Prove it, show her, especially when she doubts.

because Heart continually doubts the new person she sees in me. It's worth sticking to it, though, especially if it comes from within you and isn't reliant upon her for validation.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 10