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User Topic: Boundary violation???
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, July 12th (Friday)

We are on a mini vacay at a resort with the kids. We are hanging out by the waterscape.

DS9 is too friendly. No concept of stranger danger no matter how we try. He figures if he finds out their name then they are not a stranger...

BH is wanting to just sit in the water and veg, DD14 has her nose in a book as usual, and DS9 is all over the place. I'm just trying to be with all three of them.

DS9 was playing with the volleyball in the pool so I swam over to play with him. We hit the ball a few times and it was tough with just 2 players so true to form DS says to a nearby man, "hey, you wanna play?" He did and I asked BH to be on my team. He came to play while giving me *the look*.

We played for a little while then I broke up the game asking DS if he wanted to go slide.

BH said, "boundaries..." to me and is now referring to the guy as, "scary dude."

I asked why he is scary and what is wrong with his boundaries since our DS invited him. He said the guy appears to be here with two little girls and no wife and joined a volleyball game with me. It seemed to me the guy was only interested in hitting a ball over a net and didn't even speak to me.

I'm not about to argue and no one is upset I'm just concerned am I missing something? Is it inappropriate to play volleyball in a swimming pool with strangers?


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 12th (Friday)

IDK. I suck at volleyball.

But you didn't invite him and you didn't flirt with him. So from what you have presented thus is Knight's issue. Not yours.

Life can't go on if you can't speak or be within a 5 yard radius of other men.

Do you hvae any idea why he reacted this way? Maybe this guy reminded him of someone? Maybe he just seemed slimy?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 12th (Friday)

it depends on a lot of things. i think men can pick out nuances of other men more easily than women. Maybe your H picked up on something.

I find it interesting that your H knew the guy was single with two little girls, but you didn't know this.

Has this happened to you before? Did your AP hit on you several times while you thought he was just being "friendly?"

it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Maybe your H picked up on a vibe, or maybe he's just nervous and is a little too vigilant.


but does it matter? if you told your H you felt uncomfortable about a woman he was with, wouldn't you want him to respect that?

[This message edited by mike7 at 8:41 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Has this happened to you before? Did your AP hit on you several times while you thought he was just being "friendly?"

Yes. And yes. I'm usually oblivious to what's going on with the people around me and BH is always aware. I try to be more situationally aware for safety but I still don't see nearly the stuff my BH picks up on.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 12th (Friday)

but does it matter? if you told your H you felt uncomfortable about a woman he was with, wouldn't you want him to respect that?

Yes, my BH would respect that too. He always has. And that's why I broke up the game. I could tell BH was uncomfortable.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, July 12th (Friday)

My iPad is killing me!

Do you hvae any idea why he reacted this way? Maybe this guy reminded him of someone? Maybe he just seemed slimy?

Yes. He explained it to me now.

He thought it was weird that the guy left his two little girls unattended in the pool to play with DS and me (my BH was not visible to the guy until I called him over).

[This message edited by knightsbff at 9:05 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

We hit the ball a few times and it was tough with just 2 players so true to form DS says to a nearby man, "hey, you wanna play?"

And here's where, "sweetie, we don't "play" with strangers, remember?" is said, along with steering him away and having a serious conversation about how very unsafe that is.

Yes it was a boundary violation on both you and your son's part but even worse it's an aquiescence of very scary trust levels with your little one.

He doesn't need to be traumatized but reminded, yes daddy and mommy were there but he needs to be sure to look out for his safety for himself too.

That thought would have been paramount to me rather than the inappropriate nature of playing volleyball with a strange man in a pool. I know this infidelity shit can do a real number on us and be front and center, however kids get snatched all the time and his comfort level would be terrifying to me.

Inviting your husband over was shutting the barn door long after that horse bounced.



Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

And here's where, "sweetie, we don't "play" with strangers, remember?" is said, along with steering him away and having a serious conversation about how very unsafe that is.
Agreed.

My DS does not meet a stranger. Walks up to random people and starts yakking it up. I have to stay on him about not sharing personal info with people no matter how nice they seem. It's nobody's business who we are and what we do. Doesn't help that he has the attention span of a gnat and we have this talk daily.

There's a book called Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. You might want to check it out.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

So kbff, I guess no more sunsplash, big surf, six flags... In a public play area what the hell do you expect. People are going to play and interact. Cheese and f'n crackers.

Kbff, you didn't violate a boundary, you called your husband over as soon as the situation presented itself. Good job. You can't control others but you can control yours.

Our youngest was the same way, never met someone he wasn't willing to interact. It required us to be hyper vigilant and keep pounding away at boundaries. Thing is you are new too boundaries like most of us here on SI so he is getting a later exposure to boundaries than a healthy family. So, keep talking to him and modeling it and it will rub off more than you think.

Good luck and try not to put yourself in situations where you might interact with a human and you should be ok.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

OK, this might seem silly to many people here but I have been picking at this for two days now trying to learn something.

Yes it was a boundary violation on both you and your son's part but even worse it's an aquiescence of very scary trust levels with your little one.

I can agree that as a parent of a kid with way too much trust for strangers I failed here. It was a good teaching opportunity and I taught the wrong thing.

There's a book called Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. You might want to check it out.

I looked it up. We are getting it. BH says he will read it too.

In a public play area what the hell do you expect. People are going to play and interact.

This is the part I'm unsure about. What if there were no kids involved? In a public play area is it appropriate to invite someone of the opposite sex to play a game like that?

BH says a man wouldn't speak to a woman without some kind of agenda. But couldn't the agenda be to start a game of volleyball? I wouldn't have played without BH at least nearby if not involved.

And just to be clear he was not bothered by my behavior. I'm just trying to learn what's considered normal or healthy behavior in situations like this.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

BH says a man wouldn't speak to a woman without some kind of agenda.

I have to speak to women IRL and I don't have an agenda. Are there a lot of jacked up people out there? Sure. They are going to do what they are going to do.

Your responsibility? Be mindful of your surroundings and ensure that you behave with self respect and you should do fine. Its a habit that has to be formed internally.

I'm just trying to learn what's considered normal or healthy behavior in situations like this.

Remember that you are in a "not normal, unhealthy" world which is why you must take control of what you can which is you. How you behaved was a good example. An unknown man came into the situation and the first thing you did was call in your husband. At some point your BS will be thinking more about pride in your new behavior than the actions of some dude. IMO


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Public places don't mean play and interacting together otherwise Six Flags sounds like the local bar. It's completely possible to be out and about and friendly without intramural sports breaking out. You can stand in a concession line with other people but you don't sit down to eat with them, right?

Kids do have more to fear from family members than strangers but Polly Klaas happened close to my back yard and it's far too easy, especially in today's easy access on computer Facebook twitter etc to get an "artificial intimacy" mindset.

I disagree a bit with HL. There are different levels of safety. Children need to be very aware, cautious, knowledgeable of their right to boundaries on their bodies and who touches them as well as what secrets "surprise parties" are ok and what aren't "don't tell mom, dad, anyone". Women need to be more careful than men, usually, because of size and physical strength. I can sadly attest to that one. That's where the whole "say hello to my little friend" can be an awesome equalizer.

That said, easy familiarity in pools with strange men is a pretty clear one, to me. I know we all have our own levels we establish but that's mine. Internal yes, but also external, kwim?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

It's completely possible to be out and about and friendly without intramural sports breaking out.

Absolutely, but in this case there was a pool, vb net and ball. The goal of all this? Why in the world would a hotel do this? What horrible intention could Marriott have? To have fun while playing and intramural sport....

Within the context of THIS issue the boundaries where in place just fine. No surprise parties or inappropriate touching was involved.

I disagree with me most of the time too. In the immortal words of Professor G.H. Dorr: "You, madam, are addressing a man, who is in fact quiet... and yet, not quiet, if I may offer to you a riddle."


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Absolutely, but in this case there was a pool, vb net and ball. The goal of all this? Why in the world would a hotel do this? What horrible intention could Marriott have? To have fun while playing and intramural sport....

Why? I would always answer, to make money. That's why business are in...well...business.

I simply disagreed. Still do. Boundaries aren't about what is offered. Merely what you feel you should accept. Just my view.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Here's how BH breaks it down for me, and it makes sense to me.

A person approaching another person of opposite gender when either are married (not to each other) socially, to play, chat, whatever is likely risky.

Either partner in a relationship joining a game announced generally to anyone nearby as a group play thing is OK. For me I would prefer my H either involved or nearby especially since we go to places to spend time WITH each other.

TBH I really don't feel like being a social butterfly anymore. I haven't felt much like mingling or meeting new people of any gender. I have no idea if this is a permanent condition. I feel like discovering how jacked up I am and that these things called boundaries exist and I'm lacking them has given me some social anxiety.

I hate parties now...


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

A person approaching another person of opposite gender when either are married (not to each other) socially, to play, chat, whatever is likely risky

This is where I think and distance from Dday might, and should make a difference. While someone approaching me might have bad boundaries, I still have mine, so the risk is not there in my opinion. I am responsible for my boundaries, and enforcing them. If someone approaches me, I am not at risk, since what ever they do, I am in control of myself.

Of course there has to be trust between BS and WS first, and even trust in your own boundaries, so in the beginning, there might be risk. JMHO


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

BS here.

This is a constant battle with DD, who is 10. It gets especially bad when we visit with her grandma, who's BF and she befriend service people, street people, mailman, anyone and by the time half hour goes by, know their life story.

DD takes to this like fly paper and it makes me angry because it's not how I was raised and not what I want for her...it goes for animals, too. No boundaries.

The vibe I get out of your post, FWIW, is that maybe your WH was feeling a little bit territorial about you and his family.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 17