Alright I have more or less recovered my equilibrium. Holy cow. What a meltdown. Much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Part of my trigger was the feeling of being exposed. I never want to look like the bad guy. Only recently in my personal work have I begun to acknowledge the part of my personality I call Taker. A recent poster talked about the concept of the cold, calculating part of us that can be a positive or a negative depending on how it's used. I think that's who Taker is and I have spent a lifetime trying to keep her in the shadows, even from me.
Earlier in the day BS and I had an argument where he would not be satisfied until I exposed Taker. I had to admit to choosing something even though I know he does not like it because it meets my needs rather than his. So instead of stepping willingly into the light, Taker got dragged there and boy was she pissed!
From that anger flowed all kinds of drama and dire fortune telling. You saw some of it here in the original post on this thread. I took back things I said the next morning. While I do know that there are legitimate issues that BS and I have to work through, when I'm flooded with anger is not the time to try it. Everything just went further off the rails.
I want to take back the thing I said about not being qualified to offer advice here. That was the drama talking. Thanks to you all who reached out, shored me up and offered support. So very much appreciated.
I'm giving myself some support at the moment too, by taking the time to respond to this and some other posts (great practice for the whole "stop hiding" project) and also I'm watching Roman Holiday.
Pressing on with the whole evolution thing!