Things have been such a whirlwind recently, and though it is for the good, I cannot help but mourn for what coulda or shoulda been our future.
For those that remember, a few weeks ago I was facing a health scare. POS was very supportive and offered to put all D talks on hold until I got through it. He was really very good about it.
Fast forward to about two weeks ago and POS started having some health issues. I returned the favor and said we could hold off on paperwork until he felt up to it.
During all this time, we have been having civil chit-chat about nothing important. I have basically been someone for him to talk to, without speaking much myself. Many of his issues are made worse by stress. This chit-chat has included him telling me things about his ongoing job search (been unemployed for over a year). A couple of days ago he tells me that he may have found two big reasons why he keeps getting turned down for jobs. Two former employers in my state (he is in another state right now) are telling people he was terminated. I know for a fact he wasn't, but all I can think of is: karma is a bitch, isn't it? Bad of me, but I can't help it. It's a Catch 22 though, no job = no child support.
While he is telling me this, he starts to beat around the bush that he really needs my writing abilities to help him deal with this nightmare (I used to help him all the time). After a moment of crickets, I told him he should have one of his lawyer friends assist him (the same "lawyer friends" he threatened me with when we were really antagonistic about the D two months ago). He saw quickly that he wasn't going to hoover me back into helping him and dropped the subject. Well, all of this really has him stressed out (and I can understand why), and he said he would sign whatever paperwork I want him to sign to "make things easier for me." There was a real sense of despair in his voice, which is unusual for him. I told him I would send the paperwork to him (have had it ready, just waiting for him to feel better). Then, because he is now apparently blaming this entire state for ruining is professional career, he says he will never come back here again and will make arrangements for someone to retrieve the trailer with his belongings. That stung, but more for DD16 than anything. That tells me he has no intention of ever seeing her again unless she goes to him (which won't be happening any time soon). I have no intention of telling her that as it would really make her feel worthless in his eyes. So sad.
Then, on another train of thought, separate from my conversation with POS, DD16 asks if we can repaint the family room - the same room where POS's horde of crap prevented us from painting for over five years. I said "sure!" This was my first weekend free from work obligations in over two months and we have been painting (we also had a marshmallow fight last night ). All I can think about is how the fresh paint represents a fresh beginning, for both me and her. In the back of my mind though I can't help but think about his comment about never coming back here again. I will have to let that one play itself out without saying anything, but it is only going to confirm DD's negative thoughts about her father. Such a shame
While painting that fresh start, couldn't help but think about the whirlwind of the past three months. Went from being M with an intact family (though it was a fašade) to being separated by thousands of miles, fighting about the D that was getting really nasty, a health scare (turned out okay), to now talking civilly with him acquiescing to whatever I want and saying he is never planning to come back to the state where his kids live (son is planning to live here after getting out of the military in a year).
I think about the loss of his companionship and how it does get lonely at times, but then I think about how much I went out of my way to avoid that very companionship when he was here because he was a lying, hypocritical bastard. I miss what we had before I found out about all the cheating, but that makes me sick because while I thought we were happy he was fucking other women. And because the A's started going back to the early 1990s, I can't even say I wish we could go back to pre-A times, because I don't know what that was and our entire marriage and the memories have been tainted. There is no memory I have that is not ruined because he was cheating, even giving birth to DD16 (OW#1 was pregnant at the same time and delivered OC one month later).
So while I have moments of wallowing in the what coulda/shoulda been, I am also embracing my new reality that is not tainted with lies and secrecy. My old reality was one big lie, the new one is fresh, like the new coat of paint. My only worry is for DD16 and how having her father ditch her is going to affect her in the long run.
Oh, and I added a plant to the house, which POS always detested...new life all around! BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet