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User Topic: Confrontation tomorrow
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

On July 5 I recovered a digital recording made the day before in the kitchen. I was gone for the week at a youth camp, and figured that's where a phone conversation would take place. That way, on the odd chance I would swing by, she would see me and terminate the conversation. Yep, they're at it again. Lots of giggling from the woman who speaks to me in dry tones. Lots of innuendo from the woman "too tired" for sex. Interesting that she's not too tired to get up at 6:30 to take Little Prince Charming's phone call.
I was a fool. I thought I could save his wife the hurt of knowing. I can't. I gave him a week, which ran out Saturday. Tomorrow, I go there and tell his wife everything, including my own sin of keeping it from her for the last 5 and a half years.
I confided in two good friends who do not want me to go for fear that I'll end up in jail. It has to be done, and it has to be done this way, and what will be will be. For those of you who chided me for not telling, you were right.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Lost&Hurt
Member
Member # 19329
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

My FWH tried to bully me into not telling MOW's husband....and I did not for a long, long time.

Result? The A never stopped.

Even when I did tell him, he did not believe me....

Only several more years and other evidence proved me right....

After that, she lost everything, but I'm still fighting to save my marriage 6 years down the road.

My only regret?

I didn't kick him to the curb immediately.

Think about how long you want to keep fighting this.

Is she REALLY worth it?

Good luck....


BS: me
WS: him
D Day - 2-13-2008
Attempting R after 6 years of lies

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Outer Limits
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Yep

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

It's likely that I lose everything else in my life tomorrow. Doesn't matter, but it doesn't make me happy

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Well I'm going to pray that when you tell her - it is just you and her there. That there is no confrontation - but just information. That you will be kind, compassionate, and as gentle as possible with this newbie.

Also praying for your strength and wisdom - it's going to suck - but it is the right thing to do for the other BS.

((Qtr1))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4093 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

btw, Lost, I meant yep you are right, not yep she's worth more unconditional protection from consequences.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Take, you sound like my two friends, and it is nice of you to remind me of what terrible news I carry to an innocent woman. I have no method of delivering such news in any way that will not cause devastation. And I deserve anything she thinks of me for keeping it from her, no matter what my rationale was. But truthfully, I hope he is there.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Qtr

I will be sending you strength to do what, unfortunately, needs to be done.

Although it will, probably, devastate her, it may also answer many questions she has had, confirm her suspicions, shed light on his blame-shifting. We all remember how it was before DDay.

You may also be giving her her life back!

Good luck. You are doing the right thing.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Bring copies of your evidence. I hope you're gentle.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

I hope it goes well for both of you.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1441 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, July 15th (Monday)

(((Raven))) Sending you courage, peace, and strength for tomorrow. It's good that you got that recording so you cannot be deceived on that end anymore. Best of luck my friend.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9614 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
deeplysad
Member
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Hoping that everything goes well for you today.


Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert


Posts: 3177 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Thinking of you today, please update when you can.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 15th (Monday)

SHOOT!
Well, I went. Nobody home but Little Prince Charming-wife is visiting relatives in another state until Saturday night. He let me in (surprise) and stood there holding a Yorkie, ostensibly to prevent its barking, but it looked for all the world as though he was using it as a shield. He says he is not telling her, so I told him again that I was. Problem: he's headed overseas Monday for a month. I didn't want to have this conversation with her under those circumstances, but you know what? I deliberately chose a method that was toughest on me, and it didn't work out. Fine. He's had ample opportunity to tell her, and refuses. I'll spill the beans while he's out of town, and let him face the fallout when he gets back. If he didn't want that, he could have come clean.
I laughed at him, told him that I had dreamed of getting him alone, but ironically felt no need to slap him. He looked as though he might either have a stroke or pee himself for the entire 6 or 7 minutes of the exchange. I walked out abruptly, knowing that he was watching me through the blinds. I thought about just popping the trunk and rummaging around for a moment just to mess with him, but decided to pass on that petty torment. So anyway, my good friends, it made my job easier. I'll just tell her everything when she gets back. I don't feel that such news ought to be given in a FB message. Thanks to all for your support.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I agree to bring evidence. Especially since you've warned him, and now he knows you're serious, he's likely been filling her head with a bunch of lies. I remember about a month before D-day my STBX telling me that some crazy husband of a co-worker (MOW) was threatening him and threatening to talk to me and show me pictures of his car outside her house. I said, "And why would he have a picture of that? Have you been to her house?" WH: "Well maybe I picked her up before work once or twice.."

That was another HUGE red flag I missed. But he was trying to get me to think this guy is crazy and I should stay away from him and that he would only be misunderstood and tell me lies, etc..

Just sayin, no doubt he is doing this to his wife, so she may not be receptive to you at first.. I would DEFINITELY bring evidence. Maybe even make copies so that you can leave them with her if she doesn't want to talk to you right away. You just don't want him being able to bend the truth and sneak his way out of this.. Perhaps a Facebook message to start would be appropriate, letting her know the situation and give her some proof and let her know that you have more proof and would like to share it with her.. Something along those lines so that you don't scare her by just showing up at her house..

Good luck.. I'm glad you are doing the right thing. Hugs..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 9:49 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1369 | Registered: Feb 2013
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I don't think those concerns will be an issue, since they both are or were close friends, and she knows me quite well. I also think that she suspected something herself at one point.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 15th (Monday)

It appears that he believes that I will calm down if he can just continue the delaying tactics until he's home in a month. He knows me pretty well, and probably knows that I am reluctant to go behind his back in telling her. He also may be banking on the fact that this revelation will destroy my life. He's guessing wrong though.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Well that's good that she knows you, but I'm sure that will make her more upset that you have kept this secret for so long, especially if you were at one point "close friends."

Why did you not tell her? Especially when you thought she suspected something? I don't know that you have to answer that question to me, but I'm sure she will want to know why..

I definitely agree that you've kept this secret for far too long. More hugs and lots of good luck to you. I'm sure this won't be easy for either of you, but it should be done..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1369 | Registered: Feb 2013
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Butterfly Girl: The short answer is that I am a fool. I thought that if I could prevent her feeling the way I felt upon discovery, that I ought to do that. I didn't realize that I was encouraging the continuance of the affair. Once I realized, I still felt that I was ultimately to blame. Still do, in a sense. Having this out in the open is going to be very damaging in a number of ways. It was only at this last revelation that I realized I had no choice. Yes, she has every reason to be angry with me for withholding the information

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, July 15th (Monday)

It's just a sad situation all around.. I'm so sorry for what they have done to you and her.. I think this will be a very large betrayal for her, not just by her husband, but by supposed friends too.. I think the longer a secret is kept, the more damage it does when it comes to light, but I do think it's better that she find out from you than for her to find out later that you knew.. I hope she can be understanding of the struggle you've gone through and that you are trying to do the right thing now..

Perhaps I'm extra affected by this post as my STBX and I were very good friends with a couple and their daughter, and my STBX admitted that the husband knew about the affair while it was happening (for about a year and a half). It stung very badly as he was supposedly my friend, and of course I am not friends with them anymore.. But then again, he never really apologized for it, and my STBX is lucky to have one mutual friend left as all the others have shunned him..

Once I realized, I still felt that I was ultimately to blame. Still do, in a sense.

You are in NO WAY to blame for the affair or its continuance, but I do think you had a responsibility to tell the BW. It sort of made you an accomplice in her eyes, if you know what I mean.. But you are doing the right thing now, and that's the important thing..

Having this out in the open is going to be very damaging in a number of ways.

I think most people change when staying the same is worse than their fears of the unknown. Staying the same is unacceptable in this situation with them continuing to take it underground and having you continue to cover the tracks. I think most of the damage has been done already, and you are on the correct path for healing now..

More hugs..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1369 | Registered: Feb 2013
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Butterfly Girl:
It's a little more than just fear of unknown changes. Little Prince Charming and I are ministers who are colleagues in a number of things. I was trying to protect two congregations, a school, a youth camp, and my own career, now likely over. This will become a scandal of nightmarish proportions. But there's little if anything that I can do about that.
Ironically, I listened last evening as a man poured out his heart over a wife who left him recently. Assured him that people would not blame him and pledged my support to him. And I am convinced of that for him, but not for me, simply because I have so much for which to answer in my life.
Also please understand that I thought I was doing the right thing by withholding information regarding what was supposed to be an affair in the past. When I say we had been friends, I meant as two couples. I still consider her a friend, just not her little coward of a husband

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Sending prayers of courage. You are to be respected as a man of integrity who is doing what he knows is the right thing regardless of the consequences. You are a rare bird.
God bless you.

One word of warning. The scripture days "the truth will set you free". Please don't hide the truth. I have a minister friend whose wife had an A. He didnt ever want anyone to know. He later ended up marrying the church secretary. It's twenty years later and people STILL believe HE "ran off with the secretary" because they don't know any different. His 'protection of his personal privacy' has cost him his friends, his family, his ministry, and very nearly his faith.

Speak the truth.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Thank you Trebleclef (alto or soprano???) I don't think I deserve any praise but I guess I can use even an undeserved pat on the back about now. And I agree regarding the truth. I also have a friend suffering through similar circumstances even now. I wish that he would let his grown children in on the secret; they think he just up and divorced their mother, and they despise him for it

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I admire you! You are doing the right thing.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Little Prince Charming and I are ministers who are colleagues in a number of things. I was trying to protect two congregations, a school, a youth camp, and my own career, now likely over.

The pain of infidelity knows no shame.

(((quoththeraven1))))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Whine and rambling alert!
Old fridge was DOA, so I had to buy a new one. I asked my friend who's wife just left him to help me carry the old one out and the new one in. Really did it to get his mind off of his trouble. I think he saw through my motives, and appreciated it anyway. I offered to spend some time with him doing nothing in particular, and he said he'd take me up on it.
Ironically my secret situation is far worse than his. It's not that I felt like a fraud reassuring him that God and his brethren would be there for him, because I believe that it is true. It's just that I could have used the same kind of encouragement for so long, but I'm supposed to be the one with the answers. I don't know if I'll get the chance to provide that kind of help once my situation is exposed. Gotta do it anyway. Not wavering, just whining

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

UPDATE:
New plan: Can't stand the thought of sending a message to the BW. I also don't want to do this while Little Prince Charming is on an overseas mission trip. (The very idea...) We have a mutual friend, minister and professional counselor. Sunday evening, we are going to his house for a full disclosure session with his wife

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I think you are doing the right thing. And bringing along the mutual friend is very wise for many reasons....including credibility.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Now, do not assume that you will lose your ministry. You may be very surprised how much support you will receive.


Posts: 2475 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

My church has been rock solid in their support of me. STBX tried to slander me & spread misinformation about me. The pastors saw right through him. STBX's parting words to them were "F you!" His nature was clearly revealed.

I've discovered that churches which actually have the blessing of the Holy Spirit are full of wise people who know when to gather 'round and help others with their crosses.

Don't be afraid.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

UPDATE:
T minus 3 and a half hours. Internet was down until just a while ago. Received an e-mail from Little Prince Charming asking me to delay telling his wife until he got back from overseas. No, I'm not doing it, and no, I didn't respond, and no, I didn't tell him I was coming. He hinted that things would probably go very bad for both of us. On that I agree. But way, way, way too late. He had a week to tell her that stretched to 2. Oh, and then there's the 15 years before that. Strong possibility that some of his family will be visiting with him on his last night in the states. Again, too bad. He could have avoided all of this.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

I would not let OM put you off from telling his BW. She deserve to know the truth.

In my case I wish the OBH would have contacted me when he found out. Maybe the A would have ended. Instead it got more involved. After OBH found out my WH felt guilty and eventually decided he needed to leave me. He didn't leave but he didn't end the A. From what I can tell the A became more intense - not sure why because WH tells me he was trying to end it and I know this is a lie and have told him so. Even when I found out the contact continued even though WH said there was no way he was going to meet her again. So it took over two years from when her BH found out and 6 months after I found out to end the A. But I still will never know and not knowing is killing me. Knowing he tried to end it and it kept going hurts me.

I have thought about contacting the OBH but he already knew and chose not to contact me.

So I think you should contact OBW and give her the proof she can't deny or her WH can deny. It is not about revenge it is about giving someone the knowledge to know what they are living with and make decisions for themselves.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

I''ll be praying that you find the most compassionate and loving way to let Prick Charming''s BW know what is going on. Remember, you didn''t cause this, you can''t change it, and you can''t control it. Tell the truth that needs to be told. Shine the light on this darkness. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

I''ll be praying that you find the most compassionate and loving way to let Prick Charming''s BW know what is going on. Remember, you didn''t cause this, you can''t change it, and you can''t control it. Tell the truth that needs to be told. Shine the light on this darkness. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Without a doubt you are doing the right thing.


ME-43
WH-45
Married 23


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 623 | Registered: Jun 2011
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

(((Raven))) I'm glad you're ending the charade he's been playing all these years.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9614 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

you will be in my prayers this evening.

strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2066 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Well, as planned, the mutual friend and I showed up at his house at 9. Extended family was there as feared. They know something's up, but I agree to come back at 10:30. When we rang the doorbell, LPC says that she already knows. I told him that I would need to talk to her anyway because I didn't trust him.
Turns out she knew a lot more than I ever suspected. And she knew a lot more than I did up until I found out the truth in 2008. Finding out that their inappropriate relationship included screwing around was a shock to her. She also filled in some blanks for me. I apologized to her as humbly as I know how for not having told her everything as soon as I found out. I recommended that she make a doctor's appointment, and follow her recommendations. I told her that he will have seen it before and would know how to deal with the anxiety.
I also gave her my cell number and e-mail, and gave her my wife's number in case she wanted to call and give her the good cursing she deserves. I sort of think God gives us a pass on language in such circumstances.
I gave her much brutal truth. She didn't want to know the sexual details contained in the letters I had read, and I respected that. BW seemed to think a couple of times that I was giving my wife a pass because of harsh things I said about Little Prince Charming. I was quick to say, "No, that's not so. She behaved as a whore, but she's not here right now, and he is. Besides that, I have no urge to punch a woman, and right now I want to put him in the hospital."
Little Prince Charming? Not a shred of real remorse. He's managing the situation. He thinks that she'll protect him, and that was her instinct from what she said. She is scared of the future. Truthfully, I am too. LPC seems to think that I'll be damaged more than he, and he may be right.
I only lost my cool once when he started to lie, and I've got to tell you, IT FELT GREAT!!! Stuck my finger under his nose, and told him to shut his lying mouth. It felt like I had been in a strait jacket for 5 years and I no longer had to hold that in. I may have threatened him with bodily harm at that point, my memory is just a little fuzzy. My friend told me he was a little concerned at that point.
Thank you all very much for your concern and for all the kind things that you thought, said, and prayed. I wish and pray the same for all of you in your struggles

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Good for you for following through. You have been more than patient and reasonable. Why would you be more damaged by this than a minister who had an A with a ministers wife? I can't even begin to imagine. Besides, how can you be more damaged than you already have been. There's a point when there nothing much left to lose. I think a lot of us get to that point and it's only then things start getting better because we won't tolerate the abuse anymore.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Well, I have much to answer for regarding my behavior. I won't lie about my actions and how I failed as a husband.
It also finally occurred to me that she probably told him that I was accessing child porn (I certainly was not) since she accused me of that about 11 years ago. I think that she has convinced herself that this was so in an effort to justify her actions. She showed me a list of child porn sites she had copied down. I had no idea what they were or why she had them. She told me that she had received invitations to visit these sites on her e-mail account. I don't think we even knew the word "spam" back then. She concluded that she was getting these invitations on HER e-mail account because I must have visited them through my e-mail/internet account. But the accusation is probably enough to finish me off. You can't really have a director of a youth camp with a cloud of suspicion on that topic.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Raven, I am glad that huge burden has been lifted from you after all these years!!! "The truth will set you free" is so true!

Regarding the porn accusations, since she was getting those notes in her email, I wonder where they came from? Did she ever show them to you? Could she have been trying to set you up? Maybe she and lpc came up with that idea? Looking back at things my H and ow did, I wouldn't put anything past them. The depths of their depravity knew no bounds.

Best wishes Raven.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9614 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

No, I don't think there was any kind of set up intended. Like I said, I don't even think we knew what spam meant back then. I used to get similar e-mail invitations to those sites. I went on for several years as I recall. AOL used to have a "report this" button, and I would do so. After a while, I stopped getting them. I don't know if reporting them stopped it, if AOL got better at filtering them, or if the sites got shut down. But I think she got similar messages, and came to a conclusion that was convenient to her adultery.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Maybe you were getting Spam from places like that because she set it up..was she cheating back then?

My WH is a porn addict. Over the last 10 years(until 3 years ago on dday1),we got a lot of porn spam..A LOT...from many,many different sites...never..not one time..have we ever received anything child related. Never.

It may have been "innocent" spam...but this smells funny.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:49 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

No, I really don't think that it was related to anything other than her intense desire to think the very worst of me. Other people I knew were complaining of the same thing back then. Much of it would be in a mass email consisting of similar screen names to mine on aol. As though they were sending it to all of the aol accounts from ca to ch or something

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Oh, and yes she was cheating back then. She was 4 years in when she accused me

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Confused, when you say "we" got that spam, did you have a joint e-mail account with wh? Ours were separate.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

We had a joint email account..and we receieved a ton of Spam..and have over the years...until dday1 and WH agreed to no porn. Since then,we haven't recieved ANY porn spam..none.

During the time we were getting the spam,it always seemed to be tailored to fit whatever porn he had been looking at lately...for example,if he had been watching Granny porn(he wasn't,this is just an example), then our email would be hit with senior porn and senior dating sites(nasty ones).

That's why I am curious about the child porn invites. My WH was,at one time,viewing HOURS of porn every day..he was new to the internet and like a kid in a cnady store..he viewed a very wide variety..and never..never..have I ever seen anything involving child porn. That's pretty specific..and very odd..factor in that she was cheating at the time...and the threat made by lpc about you having more to lose than him..and I have to say,Im worried about you,qtr. Very worried.

ETA: Since dday1,I have taken over the email account WH used to cheat on me with...and I have my own private email account(WH knows about it..it's where I keep all my evidence..he doesn't have the password)..his account gets a lot of porn spam..my account gets nothing..absolutely no porn at all.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:18 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Confused:
I appreciate the concern, but please don't worry. Like I said, it was a long time ago, and I think that certain providers were more susceptible than others. Ours was a separate account, phone line hookup where you logged into the internet through AOL, so no reason we both would have been receiving that sort of thing even if I had been guilty. The other thing is this: people who do that don't just stop. If I had done it then, I would still be doing it, and there would be proof. I'll be cautious in my decisions regarding the two of them, but please don't worry about me.
Raven

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Ok..but I'll still worry,lol.

We had the same thing years ago..phone like hookup..internet through AOL.

It may be nothing..but this has stuck in your mind..after all of these years.

Any allegation will ruin your reputation..unfortunately that's how things like these work...once you're accused,people tend to believe it. I hope nothing like this happens...you've done nothing wrong here.

Im so sorry you're dealing with this.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

quoththeraven1~

Confused, when you say "we" got that spam, did you have a joint e-mail account with wh? Ours were separate.

I was always so confused when I would be looking at my spam folder (all mail automatically goes there, I have to retrieve any 'real' emails and assign them to the regular inbox) All these porno websites and dating websites would be popping up...WTH?!?

When I finally figured out what was happening it was still baffling! I have one email and he has another. I sure was not looking at porno!

I asked the computer geeks...the said that when two or more computers use the same internet portal, like your high speed internet from your phone co. thing like dating and porn offers will come up on all of the computers as spam.

This is the surefire way of knowing that something is up in your house.

We have finally eradicated porno from the email and spam...then some gay websites started showing up in my spam folder...WTH!!!

My gay brother was visiting and was trolling around on his email but through my main computer. So I started getting offers from 'MEN on MEN' websites. I had to tell him to knock it off while he was here because ALL Porno is off limits here in my home.

So if your WW is trying to snag you with something that she has trumped up, just have both computers 'data mined'.

It is about $150 to $200 per computer but it is worth the peace of mind.

Just google computer forensics for your type of computers and a shop will come up. These guys will not take your cash if they cannot help you. So be specific in your request (about what you want to get back, not what it is about)

All history, files, pictures, emails; on the computer and all erased info will be there.

All computer activity has a time stamp. Everything. Seeing that she was the one who was first in looking at these types of websights ought to put a stopper in this mess!

Good Luck!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I guess we could do that. However, keep in mind that this accusation was in 2002, a windows 95 for crying out loud, that has been years in the landfill!!! I'm thinking that the last time I saw anything like that was 9 years and two computers ago

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Yes...9 years ago...but significant enough that you've thought of it again..after all this time.

It could be nothing. But,then,she's capable of keeping secrets and causing great destruction..no?

And WS's tend to rewrite history..and WW tend to make their BH into a villain..abusive..etc..to justify their affair..and cause the OM to play KISA.

Maybe Im just being paranoid?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

And WS's tend to rewrite history..and WW tend to make their BH into a villain..abusive..etc..to justify their affair..and cause the OM to play KISA.

OH BOY DO THEY!

Maybe Im just being paranoid?

Well, maybe not paranoid, but you're going to have to trust me on this one. It isn't a set up. A history re-write, a painting of me as a villain, by all means.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Topic Posts: 52