Wayward Side
User Topic: That Feeling
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 15th (Monday)

That feeling when you wake up, knowing the look in your husband's eyes, and knowing you put it there.

That feeling when you ask, "Are you ok?" and he replies, "Yeah. I'm fine." and you both know he's not.

That feeling when you walk out the door and he says, "You're so beautiful." and you still see the pain in his eyes.

That feeling when he starts talking, completely unfiltered and when interrupted, he smiles and says, "No, it's ok. We'll talk later." and you know that "later" may never happen if his mood shifts.

That feeling when he reads your writings and he says, "Wow. That nailed exactly how I felt. What I just read brought it all back. You have captured it exactly."

That feeling when you are laying side by side, and he starts talking. Again. He's opening up.

That feeling of knowing how hard it is for him to expose his soul to anyone. And he chose you. Even after all this.

That feeling when he shares secrets with you, and you had no idea he still struggled as badly as he does.

That feeling when he tells you, "I cry on the way to work." You didn't know he still cries. And worse, knowing when it happens, you can't comfort him.

That feeling when he wraps his arms around you so tightly, burrows his face in your shoulder, and whispers, "Please don't ever leave me. I can't do this without you."

That feeling when he asks, "Can I hold you while I sleep?" His beard scrapes your skin, his breathing evens and deepens, his grip stays locked.

That feeling of knowing that what you have now is something special, but your soul is tortured knowing what you've gone thru to be where you are today.

That feeling - shame, love, regret, joy, fear, hope, sadness, admiration, horror, humility...

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:24 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6300 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Once again, you've nailed it!

Thanks for posting this.

I hate that we both have to be here, but I am so grateful for you, and your insight

[This message edited by broevil at 9:32 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Today I am haunted with the time when he told me "It hurts so much.. so much.. I have real chest pains." I have been crying all day in office and your post made me cry all the more

WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Nice post. Sort of happy, sad, hopeful, regretful, yesterday, today, tomorrow. Feeling... something... anything and acknowledging it is a good thing. When we're feeling...we're BEING. Being human. Trying, struggling, searching. And just perhaps learning from our past in order to help us craft a more authentic and meaningful today, and tomorrow.

2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Aubrie you made me cry, posts here rarely do that, I have too much to cry about surrounding me as it is but this post is beautiful and haunting at the same time. Thank you for putting into words what many of us go through.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I wish my WH felt this.

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 15th (Monday)

You're so right, Aubrie. In many ways, though, I'm thankful Heart keeps her beard in a little more order than QS.

But that feeling - the one we put in those eyes that reflects back out and haunts us - is very real.

I just got off the phone with Heart while I walked damn near 2 miles. She was caught in the grip of this feeling, and I was at work and relatively powerless to do anything about it. That took more out of me than my walk did.

Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I hate that we both have to be here, but I am so grateful for you, and your insight
I feel the exact same way about everyone here. The advice, 2x4s, and support here have been imperative.

She was caught in the grip of this feeling, and I was at work and relatively powerless to do anything about it. That took more out of me than my walk did.
I call it an emotional hangover. And boy are they a Mutha. In the midst of trauma, downhill swoops in the rollercoaster, or super bad triggery times, we're all keyed up and trying to work thru it. Supporting, listening, crying, raging, whatever. Those times absolutely drain a person. WS and BS. When QS and I have intense times, it's 2 or 3 days before we can function on a normal level again.

Just part of the process.

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6300 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 15th (Monday)

what a great post Aubrie.. heartwrenching but great. :-)

WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Thanks, I have tears and I have felt heard many of those words and the actions of my BH scared Id leave scared I'll stay , so wanting to hold me but so wanting me not to be me.
I hold knowing this is a process and maybe just maybe as it was said on another post I will become my wife not 'my cheating ****wife'

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I've been thinking about this post all day.

All the things my BH keeps inside.

I ask him if he's OK, he says, "I'll live."

I finally asked him tonight if he ever fears I will leave him. He said, "Every single day." I never guessed that thought was going through his head... It makes me so sad that I put it there.

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Thanks for posting this Aubrie. It really hits home.

BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Great post. Thanks.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 14