User Topic: What are my rights here?
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 15th (Monday)

In regards to information about the people in my child's life? XWH is in a serious relationship (she says they're engaged). She at times cares for my son when XWH is traveling for work. This involves driving with him in her car. They tell me they're uncomfortable with me knowing her last name or having any contact information for her. So all I know is her first name. I asked XWH to put her on the "approved pick up list" at our son's school. He didn't include a last name, just a first and what I assume is middle name.

I'm concerned that I know nothing about this woman and she's caring for my child. I'm also concerned that the school has false information on her. Do I have any right to demand this information?

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 15th (Monday)

I'm sure that you do. A full name and contact info for the person who is caring for your child is not an absurd thing to ask for and expect. Check with a lawyer.

Ex-shat tried to deny me the address of his stripper whore when he was shacked up there and my son was going on visitation there. I told him he wouldn't be seeing his son until I had the address and I *would* be dropping him off there. He threw a mantrum about it...but had no legal ground to stand on...and so provided it.

A lawyer could put the pressure on him.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4684 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
million pieces
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 15th (Monday)

My ex used to do the same thing with a twist, he would insist that I but whore on the contact list but not provide me with any of her contact information

I think it is hard for their brains to rub her in your face but maintain the evil ex wife picture that they paint.

Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 15th (Monday)

When my kids were in daycare/nursery school, the school wouldn't release any child without a photocopy of a driver's license of any one who was authorized to pick them up.

Maybe you could ask to see if x has provided this to them?

what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced

Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 15th (Monday)

At our son's school there's an approved list but then when the person picks up they confirm with a drivers license. So this issue wont be caught until she tries to pick up. And on the list is her first and middle name, which will be on her license so I'm sure they'll let her pick up. I want to raise the issue with them, but I feel like I'll look crazy and bitter.

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Who cares, no one is crazy or bitter when it comes to the welfare of your child. Time to get legal advice because I am sure you are entitled to names and addresses of the people who are acting as caregivers of your child.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Do I have any right to demand this information?

Legal right? that would be for a lawyer to decide, but honestly, if they are 'engaged' then why would she care if you have her information or not.

If you have a lawyer, I would talk to them, if you dont, see if you can find some free legal services to talk to someone about it just incase.

I know the Law School where i live offers free legal advice on certain days, or the local Bar Association may be able to connect you with a program.

Personally, if it were me, i would call the school and let them know that unless there is a last name and valid contact information for her - she is not allowed to be on the list for pick up.

This is your child - you can't play 'what if' or shy with your children's welfare.

Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I would be very, VERY surprised if the school will release your child to a woman whose last name they have not been given.

In fact, I would demand that they NOT do so. How many Elizabeth Anns are there? Lisa Maries? There is NO way to confirm identity without a last name.


Your ex can provide full contact info, or learn that he does not get what he wants.

Put her on the pick-up list? No way. Not until you have contact info. And I'd make damn sure the principal knew the police would be notified of any pick-up permitted until the appropriate information was provided.


[This message edited by solus sto at 4:13 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Oh HELL no!

You have every right to know who is caring for your child when your ex asshole is not there. At the very least, you need a full name so you can conduct a background check. What if she's been convicted of drug offenses or driving under the influence offenses????

It's one thing if she is around the kid but has no authority for pick ups and isn't driving them around. It's entirely different when she's acting like the de facto parent.

You also should demand a cell phone number for her so that you can text or call at any time to check p on your kid.

Does your decree say anything about a right of first refusal?? Why is he getting visitation time when he's travelong and not there in the first place??

This is absurd. I wouldn't hire a nanny to care for my kid without having a full name, contact information and a clear idea of who this person is.

Call your lawyer now. No judge in the world would think that was cool. This guy has a lot of balls.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Fooled Me Twice
Member # 34824
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 15th (Monday)

what suckstobeme said.

This is absurd, and I cannot imagine a judge being ok with this situation.

For my dd's daycare - I told them the (brief) situation and OW is listed on the not allowed to pick up list. I will not let some person I do not know be in the care of my child as much as I can control. We are required in our divorce decree to supply babysitter info etc.

ME: BS 33 (now 34)
HIM: WS 33 (now 35)
OW: 22, howorker (now 24)
July 2007: Porn found on computer along with profiles on dating websites.
DDay: January 16, 2012 - suspicious since Dec 2011
Divorced: June 11, 2013

Posts: 209 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Here and There
Member # 36579
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 15th (Monday)

My STBX pulled this shit as well - minimal info about his OW#3 after he moved in with her. He had the kids stay there immediately and she drives them around, to and from school and I their MOTHER am not allowed to know anything about her.

My lawyer put a stop to it and he finally coughed up the details after being told there would be a court order issued.

Don't accept it, you are entitled to know who is looking after your kids.

The arrogance of these WHs is just astounding!

Me 46
ExH 51
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS11 & DD7)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14

Posts: 180 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Right of first refusal was not covered in the D paperwork I assume...?

I guess it isn't uncommon based on the responses - sounds like control issues... {But thinking out loud, my first thought was - Does she have a court record or bad driving record... Why is he hiding her name...?}

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

She told me to my face that she was uncomfortable with me having this information. I can only imagine what stories he's cooked up about me that would lead her to be concerned. This issue actually came to a head this morning when he told me he had to leave town on business and she would be picking up our son and taking him for Thursday night's visit. Um...hell to the no. I responded very clearly stating that visitation was for Aidan and his father, not Aidan and his father's girlfriend. And also reiterated that as of now she's not permitted to pick Aidan up from school.

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm getting my attorney involved.

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Good for you!!!. There is no judge in the country that would permit him just spending time with your XWH's GF, whom you don't know, when he is traveling on business. You are correct in telling him that your child's visitation is for him, not his GF. Now if they do get married that may change and there may not be anything you can do about it. I think it is so selfish of him to think that his son should be with his GF rather than his mother. What a total ass!!!

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

He actually just told me it's not his right to know anything about the people in my son's life unless he suspect abuse. WTF??? He's on another flipping planet if he thinks being reactive vs proactive is being a good parent.

[This message edited by chikastuff at 8:32 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

You're the have any rights at all that involve the safety of your child. Talk to the police and get it on record.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

He seriously makes me question my sanity. At this point I want a judge to tell me what's reasonable vs not. If I'm really being unreasonable then fine, I'll go with it. But I really don't think I am.

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

chika - you are doing well. Do not let him twist this around.

You are NOT crazy. Your son has no business being in the care of this asshole's girlfriend. Not at all, let alone when he is out of town. That wouldn't change even if they were married. She has no rights to this child whatsoever.

Get your attorney involved. A judge will absolutely put an end to this ridiculousness.

Don't give her any authority at all when it comes to picks ups, drop offs or anything else of that nature. You don't know her. Again, if he wants her around while he's visiting with his son, there's not much you can do about that unless you suspect abuse or mistreatment of the child. BUT, her caring for this child alone is a whole different situation and one that is totally uncalled for.

Your ex is truly delusional.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Makes me wonder what they're hiding with not releasing her last name.

Tell her if she's uncomfortable with you knowing her name, your even more uncomfortable with your son driving around with someone who is a stranger to you.

Stand your ground.

As you've stated, visitation is for him and his son. GF doesn't get to play parent during that time.

ETA: Make sure the school does not allow her to pick him up as you have not authorized her to be a responsible party.


[This message edited by ajsmom at 3:20 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!

Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I spoke with my attorney this afternoon. She said it's absolutely within my rights to request and receive this information. We are going to write a letter demanding it and if we get no response were going to take him to court for it. If he continues to be a jerk about it we will petition the court have visitation removed.

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 21