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User Topic: Destroy or bury the OW?
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I thought that title would grab your attention!

Anyway, here I am about 4 months out from d-day 2. The entire affair was about 4 months. I feel like I'm hitting a point where I need to come to some kind of resolution about OW. I never made any contact with her after d-day 2. I realize that I have the power to absolutely destroy her relationship with her family and friends, as well as her medical licensing. On the flip-side, I realize that if I'm not going to do these things that I fantasize about, then I best bury her, mentally, as simply a nasty side-effect of many issues WH was and is dealing with in his life right now. She is evil, I am certain. Sociopathic, most likely. And because of that some kind of emotional appeal, exposing her to the pain she caused, would fall on a deaf conscience. I feel very comfortable in knowing that she deserves whatever she has coming to her, and I know I could give her a lot! But of course, those actions bring on the possibility of her making contact, bringing her back into our life in some way, and lord knows what else.
So what to do? I feel like "letting go" of her mentally (aka. burying her) is probably the healthiest thing to do, but I'm having a hard time committing to that because I feel like if I want to do something, I should not wait much longer.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who hit this point in their healing. How did you decide? What did you decide? Were you happy with your decision?

[This message edited by naivewife at 3:00 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I did it. I had her fired. The exact reason was never told. I feel she knows the real reason. Its the only thing that has given me any peace. SHe lost her home, had to move away, and now has lost a total of 5 jobs, back to back. SHe is evil. Since then , I have tried to bury her mentally. And I have succeeded to an extent. THe pain is alot less, but she still lingers in my head. The hate has lessened, I dont know what will happen when we see each other. I believe we will someday. She is still friends to my H coworkers and we visit her city often. She has completely reshaped my life. Its like surviving a hurricane. Its so traumatizing. I think it will always be with me. I almost died years ago. ANd I was in an abusive relationship when I was very young, neither of those can remotely compare to how I was effected by her. Now I have turned all the sadness toward my H.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 951 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Since I am a very justice oriented person, if it had been at all in my power to destroy or at the very least cause some negative consequences for the OW, I am sure that I would be much further along in my burying the OW.

Many here will say *crickets* don't do anything, karma will catch up (I don't believe in karma), but, you know we aren't all the same. What one BS needs for peace isn't what another BS needs for peace. What I feel it boils down to is, what do you want to do in your heart of hearts, naivewife? If destroying OW is what you feel you want, I say go for it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
scarredforever
Member
Member # 23875
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I partially destroyed her. It felt good.


"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

Mark Twain

Me-BS 52
Him-WS 53
Together 33 years

6-5-06 Day of Reckoning

"The acquired inability to escape"


Posts: 1058 | Registered: May 2009 | From: swfl
TheTooGoodWife
Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Like SisterM I too am a justice orientated person and I find refraining from balancing the scales with OW and WH very, very hard. I could have had OW fired but then I would have felt responsible for how her child would be affected and that is something I am not willing to carry on my soul but...I recently found out via a mutual acquaintance that OW was fired and is struggling to find work. Karma step 1...done...but not by me

ETA: It is almost 5 years since the A ended and she is still a single mother, boarding with her Uncle and her mom, fatter than ever and now jobless and I have heard other than her mom and a sister she rarely sees she has no friends and she literally spends 18 hours+ a day playing games on FB.

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 4:12 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
MartlArts
Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 15th (Monday)

When I learned of the OEA I had not yet found SI and was acting on my gut instincts which were to: 1)tell her what I thought of her and 2)run her out of our lives. I did #1, and accomplished #2 by ensuring she knew I had evidence to destroy her life if she broke NC. It was effective and she stayed away.

I did regret at times not sharing the evidence and destroying her anyway. I managed to restrain myself b/c I guess I knew we were best NOT bringing her and the drama it would cause back into our life.

Sometimes I struggled with the fact that she pushed herself into our lives and got away scot free. However, I have kept tabs on her, and think the karma bus may have finally caught up. Also, I've reminded myself from time to time that her actions showed that she was a pathetically lonely person, and she's been forced back to that pathetic existence.

I DID and do still retain the evidence, and probably will until the day I read her obit. One false step and I will gladly rain a s### storm down on her!


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Hummm, well, color me nasty, but I vote for all of the above.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4935 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 15th (Monday)

If she did things that were professionally unethical, I'm all for exposing her professionally, especially if patient care and/or confidentiality was potentially compromised. (Bear in mind that this is a double-edged sword, though; if your husband also engaged in unprofessional conduct, you can BANK on a sociopath making sure that he receives consequences as severe as those she does.)

If her actions have no bearing on her ability to function professionally---and did not impinge on her work performance--I'm not sure I would.

NOT because I think she doesn't deserve it. Of course she does.

But when you say, "Sociopath," it gives me pause.

If you've ever had protracted dealings with a sociopath, you'd know that poking the bear invites ongoing, relentless contact and retribution.

A normal person would, on some level, accept that she "earned" whatever came her way as a result of her choices to have an affair with a married man. She might protest (and therefore be unpleasantly present in your life) for a short time. But she'd likely go away pretty quickly, tail between legs.

Not so a sociopath.

Be aware that you may be inviting real trouble. Because a pissed-off, entitled, unemployed sociopath will have far too much time on her hands---which means that she'll have far too much time to devote to punishing you for her own bad behavior.

Trust me. She can really amplify the damage to a level far beyond what currently exists.

That's my concern.

No contact may not be satisfying, if you're seeking justice. But with a sociopath, there really is no such thing as justice.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:18 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 8