BS here. I'm 10 1/2 months out from the first dday.
She's at the place where I am a lot. What she wants is what I also want most and what Finally10 is never, ever able to give me. I can't "unknow" and he can't undo his betrayal. I've become fixated on that.
Everything else, WH can improve on, make up to me...except the act. It's torture to us both at this point.
I don't have a resolution, but hopefully someone will come along and offer one. I suspect it will involve introspection and time (hating the time thing myself).
I just wanted to assure you that this not uncommon for a BS to desire above all else. I tell Finally10 that the best he will ever be is he the guy who cheated in me before. Unfair--- that's not the best he will ever be. He will do the work, the course correction, and become the guy who made the worst unilateral decision ever and but will never do it again.
My pain doesn't aways allow me me say that but I'm saying it tonight, right now.
There's hope that with hard work, no TT, honest introspection, great love and devotion, being the spouse you want to be/need to be (common desire here, I imagine) that you will overcome the taint of the "husband who cheated" and be just "husband" once again.
Also, as a BS, I am in an amount of pain that is beyond my ability to cope with and even I am not able to say what would help me. I try various ideas- none help for long- most not at all. (Both WH and I are flying blind here and are out of our depth. IC is helping him, and I will start IC soon, followed quickly by CC.)
I think you hit it when you said your BS is unable to process it right now. Processing for me goes in fits and starts. Not linear at all.
I wish you both healing.
Sorry so wordy tonight- it's been a weird few days.