As of the beginning of next month. H and I will be separated. I am moving out with my DS. I have very mixed emotions about it. I hate that H is so dependent upon me, but I can't help but worry about him. He doesn't have anywhere to go. I just got approved for a place and will sign the lease soon and he isn't on it. I have been sad all day. We have been married for 15 years, together for 17. I went from living with my mother, to living with my H and have never lived alone, let alone with a kid. My life as I know it seems to be over. We even got separate phones on yesterday.
I have felt confused, sad, hurt and terrified all at the same time today. I don't know what to do.
(just a little of my story, the PA with him occurred in 2003 when my DS was born. I forgave...we moved on. While I cannot confirm that he has cheated physically since that time, I have definitely seen texts to women, where he called one "sexy". That was his name for her. He expressed that he wished to see her, but could not bec he was with DS, when in fact he was with ME. This happened only a few months ago. He was arrested last year and now has a felony on his record. This caused him to loose yet another job (2 in another state and 4 in the present state that we are in). I am tired of carrying him. The day that he was arrested, I got into an argument with one of his female friends, who called his phone as I picked up my then 9 year old DS from a police officer on the side of the road as he watched his father get arrested. I am tired of secrets. I have tired of 1/2 truths. I am grieving terribly over this. I feel responsible for him, but know that I shouldn't.
Even now, there is no tranparency in our relationship. I don't want to repair it. I have given it my all over all of these years and I need some peace. BUT even in separating, I am so afraid that I still won't find, peace, happiness and be burden free. Is this normal?
I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being taken advantage of by H and others. I live in a city now where I have no family. I am here for work and this is a career, not a job. Therefore leaving isn't an option. My M was supposed to last, but there are never any consequences for his actions when it comes to me. I have anxiety attacks because of this mess. His actions are starting to affect my physical body in many ways. I just can't do it anymore...