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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Blame Game
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, July 15th (Monday)

For a short while, I had a reprieve from blame.

It has returned. Reprieve over.

STBXH broke NC today, so I played along. It's very rare.

The new blame game is to make it my fault that STBXH's time with DD is restricted. That he has "guidelines I made? He "forgets" that the lawyers made them at his insistence!

That he cannot bring her wherever he wants, that they have to be back at certain times (this is not followed), that she has a diet (she has for eight years!). All of the rules for the divorce that he so desperately wanted, he is complaining bitterly about and making my fault.

I am out of the fog enough to understand a bit about it and am not accepting it, but it still hurts. I think everything is too raw?

I was a little bit fresh today and may need a 2 x 4, but I got very daring and said to him (electronically), "I bet OW is thrilled you are getting a divorce and they won you away and you threw your life away for them." No answer, but none expected.

It's been on my mind for a while to wish I had the courage to say it. I have had a no tolerance policy about OW as a rule, because of the emotional turmoil, but could not help it today-I think it was the blaming and I wanted, maybe subconsciously, to tell him that this is because of what he did and not me.

He wants me very much to be not innocent and to carry burden with him...aren't I already?

He said, "I'm sorry for your damaged life". Damaged? That's like putting water on poison ivy rash and hoping it will fix it.

Any sort of boundary in this life he is blaming on me, rather than on what he did, not me...so I told him very politely that this is the new life he so desperately wanted and thought would be better. I'm not even part of the man's life anymore and these are his very own choices, so how is it possible he could begin to think it's my doing? Is it when he makes a problem and I have to speak up?

Today was a very bad day because of him and DD and I feel very weak, kind of like a hurricane has flown through.

DD was sick and I checked her and realized it was from eating wrong and I asked him what she ate and did. The food list is shocking and unhealthy and against her allergies, but he doesn't believe in them. She also slept six hours today and is not put to bed at reasonable times.

The problem is that I lose time at work and am trying to learn if I have to help pay medical bills when it is of this nature? An answer has not come from L yet, but I'm feeling very strongly that I should not, when he makes an adult choice to feed her against the diet outlines...which he says I'm too strict for, but it is her body!

He made more drama when I mentioned that he did not take me seriously and throws in my face anything he does for the house or her.

I know, I know, 2 x 4 time and NC, but all I wanted initially was to find out what she ate. He ended the day saying, "it's too bad we can't communicate on small things", when it's that man that makes the rude remarks and problems!

I was thinking I may get another nutritionist and some documentation for the lawyers, to back myself up? L said that it was in the laws guidelines to feed a kid the way their home diet is and yes, I told him to use his judgment, but WTH? The food list was more than anyone should bear in a few days time.

How is it possible that so many, many things in a person's life could be the fault of a spouse? And I was a good one. I will always believe that.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 15th (Monday)

{{{Ashland}}}

I hate that your STBX is treating you so shabbily, when you are carrying his child and should be nurtured and cherished instead. Shame on him.

I'd document as much as you can about your daughter's diet, both what is recommended and what she has told you she ate with her father. And write down the results. I don't know if you'll ever need/use it or not, but if it does come up, you'll be glad to have the written notes (for court or lawyers).

Big Hugs, Mama!! You hang in there, because better things are in store for you!

edited to add: When I was being blamed by my X, it used to help me to remember that he wasn't correct about me when he said those things...it was part of his own disorder/addiction.

[This message edited by Compartmented at 8:20 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 1207 | Registered: Aug 2010
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Thank you, Compartmented.

I feel validated as a person by your reply. I guess that's what I'm searching for in life now, is to feel validated and that I have rights to belong on earth, too. The damage the man did to my psyche is more than I can cope with sometimes and in weaker times, it nearly has worked.

Yet, he, like your WH, has a vast amount of problems and he won't ever get help because he doesn't believe anything is wrong with him-it's classic-the rest of the world is the problem.

Believe it or not, I work really hard to not think of him, or of her, but I am weak now, as I said. There are more things I don't understand and maybe is better if I don't, but I can't get rid of the thoughts without having answers-I've learned that of myself.

Things plague me about OW and how she can be such a stupid fool, but it is her journey now.

I am so far out of his life and vice versa, I just don't know how he can still blame me-it's what he did and his own choices, is it not?

And if I speak of that, he runs away like a coward and the blame comes, for he doesn't want the blame on him, even though it is very clearly him that destroyed our lives.

The strange thing is if he had come to me honestly, prior to meeting OW and said "we need to talk", or some such thing about being unhappy if he really was, I would have a lot of respect for him, over time of recovering. But he did no such thing and was never going to tell me, either...he openly admitted that.

Further, he also praised OW for outing him to me.

Now this is a woman who knows. Who knows he abandoned his family -and a child-who knows he lies -who knows he cheats-who knows he abandoned a pregnant wife-so although it's common practice on SI to not dwell on OW and I've prescribed it myself, I cannot understand or relate or fathom this kind of person existing?

She accepts him fully, she accepts him in bed and life and wants a future with this man...I guess I've changed the topic of my thread, but there's so much.

When I think of her now, it's more in the lines of "stupid fool" and I think of the money that she will not see until they are old, grey and bald, if they last that long?

To bring back my whining to the thread topic, this new life is more than two hours away, but he blames the changes on us.

I will do that, Compartmented, thank you. I journal other things, like all the times he doesn't follow the visiting plan and the times he violates the phone call boundaries. He has many luxuries I've given, like extra time, extra days and more, but I get no recognition or thanks for those-only blame in true narcissism style.

This is a lactose intolerant child who was given three ice creams in two days and woke up clutching her belly today and had to miss her activities. I would have missed money but am a volunteer, so I was thinking about asking L about this, because they are pushing me to get employment, but I will lose time when one of the kids is sick now-it's part of why we decided I would be SAHM until middle school.

Thank you for the ideas and validation, once again and sorry for my many questions.

He was a passive aggressive person for many years and now is unleashed-now that he can hit me from cyber space and not see me cry. A friend said once it reminds her of a bully in school who hides behind a tree, mocking a smaller kid. I agreed.

I will never understand some things, like his belief that I have to shoulder the blame. He did actually accuse me once after false R of being the reason he did it and it was one thing that drove me to the lawyer.

And am so mad that the blaming can get to me.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I was thinking I may get another nutritionist and some documentation for the lawyers, to back myself up?

^^^ YES. This will be good for you to have, right now your STBX thinks this is all your doing and will not follow the guidelines. If he has an expert say follow the same guidelines, He may follow them. Hopefully, for your DD's sake and health.

You can also add that if he doesn't follow the dietary guidelines, he pays for the medical expenses and reimburses you for a sitter if she has to stay home.

I really hate that he is doing this crap to your DD. the poor kid doesn't need to be off her diet restrictions and sick.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4850 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 15th (Monday)

" I'm not even part of the man's life anymore and these are his very own choices, so how is it possible he could begin to think it's my doing?"

Because it is what a narc does. Their disordered thinking won't let them view life rationally if it means seeing their own faults! His misery was his fault during the marriage. His misery is his fault now. His misery will be his fault for the rest of his miserable life.

NOTHING will fill the vast empty hole that is where his soul should be. He may come across temporary distractions like an AP but that black hole will suck that up into oblivion too.

In the mind of my ex, *I* am to blame for everything that happened during the marriage and directly and indirectly I am to blame for everything since my Ex imploded the life that we had. Even the sick and perverted parts that I had no knowledge of until AFTER it was done is all my fault. Well..all the negative consequences are my fault at least. It wouldn't have been a big deal if I hadn't made it one! If only I kissed his butt enough before he cheated and/or kissed his butt enough after we could have moved on and lived happily ever after! Actually he wanted me to live like that was my sister wife or something. You would think that after 10 years he would at least know that I am not a polygamist or polyamorous.

Your stbx is a coward just like mine and can't face himself. He has to find someone to blame and you are an easy target for now. Even though it makes no sense that his current issues could be caused by you, it doesn't matter in his mind. It *HAS* to be so just because the alternative (him being responsible for the consequences of his poor decisions) can't be possible in that twisted little mind of his.

What a narcissist thinks is of no relevance. Their brains don't live in our dimension. They live in some alternate universe that only exists in their head where they are perfect. Where they live, they are to be given credit for all things good and no one should dare blame them for anything bad that happens. It couldn't possibly be their fault when things don't go as they planned because that goes against them being perfect! Sick bastards.


You ARE a good one Ashland! That is why he has to work so hard and jump to such illogical conclusions to make you look bad. The facts prove him to be a POS. He can't handle that. Better to live in la-la land where he is still the "good guy" and it's all your fault than face the reality of him being a heartless POS who destroyed his own family by being a disloyal, selfish and disgusting jackass.

Narcissist all live by the same code of conduct.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 9:37 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Your stbx is a coward just like mine and can't face himself. He has to find someone to blame and you are an easy target for now. Even though it makes no sense that his current issues could be caused by you, it doesn't matter in his mind. It *HAS* to be so just because the alternative (him being responsible for the consequences of his poor decisions) can't be possible in that twisted little mind of his.

This is so true of my situation. It baffles the mind that an intelligent person could believe such illogical things. I thought for a while my X was playing a game with what he was saying but it became painfully clear that he really believes it. He really believes that he's been with scores of prostitutes because I made him do it. That's some power I've got!


Posts: 1207 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Now this is a woman who knows. Who knows he abandoned his family -and a child-who knows he lies -who knows he cheats-who knows he abandoned a pregnant wife-so although it's common practice on SI to not dwell on OW and I've prescribed it myself, I cannot understand or relate or fathom this kind of person existing?

One, she's more broken than he is, and two, who knows what in the world he's told her? I know some of the stories my X said he told the women he slept with. He'd lie to them to get them to have sex with him without a condom. He's a master con-artist.

Lastly, eventually you'll stop caring or thinking about her either. It just takes time - over a year for me, for a few of the skanks I knew about.

I think you are doing great, considering your whole situation. I think once you've adjusted to the new baby being in your life, you'll start feeling even better!


Posts: 1207 | Registered: Aug 2010
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 15th (Monday)

This is a quote from another forum..

"There is nothing wrong with narcissists that reasoning with them will not aggravate."

^^^ Says it all.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4850 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Ashland taking dd to a peds gi doc, would be great, they have testing for lactose intolerance. My dd has it, she was tested. Also, to the doc after she has been fed wrong for documentation.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 12:52 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 279 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Topic Posts: 9