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User Topic: Do I tell the other betrayed?
Lindy
New Member
Member # 39823
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Hi. I'm a newbie here and I just found out a few weeks ago that my wife had a brief affair 8-9 months ago with a guy who has a long term girlfriend. As much as I want to let sleeping dogs lie, I feel she should know the truth as well. I've read different opinions about this and I'm not sure what to do. It might bring up more problems....

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
soveryalone1
Member
Member # 39807
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Not sure why people are selfish and then feel the need to unburden themselves honestly, but you had to hear about your wife's affair and deal with all the pain and anguish , why shouldn't the guys GF have to deal with it as well? but I am pretty bitter so maybe I am not a good person to listen to


jao

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vermont USA
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Yes, tell her. She deserves to know the truth just as much as you do.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jul 2011
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Would you have liked someone to tell you? I desperately would have, even a stranger.
The one caveat is that it can invite them back into your life. But, as I said, I would have liked to have known.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

First of all, hugs. I'm so sorry you are going thru this.

Everyone here will tell you that you should. However, it's ultimately left to your judgement since it's all on a case by case basis. In my case, I did it because the communication wouldn't stop on the OM's behalf even after I told him I knew. Once his wife found out, it all hit the fan and it STOPPED!!!

In cases like these, I'm always afraid of violence since this can wake up the worst of emotions.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Just know the call rarely goes as planned.
I wish I could say the other betrayed person will be grateful, but chances are you will just have a lot of people pissed off at you. So unfair isn't it : (
HUGS. Sorry you are dealing with this.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Yes. I did it by mail (sent to his office, requiring his signature) so that it could not be intercepted. I was not comfortable springing a phone call on him; I was not sure I could handle it, and did not have the strength to deal with someone else's reaction to the affair.

I did, however, provide my contact info. And as gently as I could, I told him what I knew about the affair---how it started, what it involved, when and where it was consummated, etc. I provided the little evidence I had (a couple of emails that eluded deletion, a message from OW asking me not to tell her husband, phone records).

I told NOT because I wanted OW or her family to feel the pain I did. Rather, I knew what it was like to suspect. And I knew OBS had suspected. I knew he was scurrying around trying to mend himself, make himself a better husband---and OW was really enjoying having both that AND my husband.

I couldn't bear the thought of another BS suffering as I had, not knowing what had changed in his marriage. He deserved to know it wasn't him.

He also needed to be tested for STDs, because my husband is pretty creepy in his proclivities---something I learned AFTER the most recent d-day.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
BW2639
Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I have not done it yet but have also considered it.
Solus....how did that work out for you when you sent the letter? Did it prompt contact from the other BS?....and if so, was it a one-time occurrence or turn out to be long lived , unwanted contact with the other BS? ,etc ?


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lindy
New Member
Member # 39823
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Wow I can't believe the overwhelming yes answers to my question. I'm really struggling with it. I kinda think the right thing to do is leave it alone and deal with my own relationship and not worry about someone else's. As much as I want the truth exposed for ethical and revenge reasons.. I don't think it's the right thing to do..

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

We had two close friends (male) whom my xh told very shortly after his A began. He asked them not to tell me, not to 'betray his confidence.' Well, they didn't tell me; instead, they betrayed MY confidence. They knew MY life was changing forever but did not have the grace to tell me. They knew MY life was threatened by my xh screwing the bimbo (who knows where all she's been) and they didn't didn't have the grace to tell me. I will never EVER think well of either of them again. They lied by not telling the truth. If they had been honest with me, perhaps the A could have been stopped before it really got started. Or, if they had been honest with me, perhaps I could have approached the next year of affair hell in a proactive manner instead of a broken hearted reactive manner. If the OM's girlfriend / wife / fiancee' is living with a cheater, I guarantee you she needs to know and, in the long run, WANTS to know. It's a pretty good guess the OM has moved on to another A partner if he's done with your WS. Tell. It's totally the RIGHT thing to do.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Absolutely, tell. Do it as gently as you can, take whatever proof you have and offer it. She deserves to know the truth.

What if she winds up getting married to this guy, only to find out he's a player. What if you find out she knows already and that he's been with multiple other women? Put's a new emphasis on STD testing. What if your WW is playing you and the A is still ongoing? Wouldn't a second set of eyes on the situation be more comforting?

Long and the short, tell. A's, like mushrooms thrive in the dark and feed on bull excrement. Expose this one to the light. All it takes for evil to thrive is for a good man to do nothing.

Strength

PS Welcome to the best club that no one ever wanted to join


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2993 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Garnet
Member
Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I really wish someone had made me aware of my husbands affair!! I contacted the other betrayed husband and it was the best thing I ever did!! He was clueless about it just like me. Mrs. Perfect was not so perfect anymore!!!! He told everyone, family, friends hahaha. Makes me laugh when I think about it almost 2 years later!!! Act like a skank, you are a skank!!!! Sorry if this makes me sound mean...... Affairs cause that, I used to be really nice!!!


Garnet☀

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Tell before the poor girl marries him..... think of her marrying him and having babies... think of the damage to the family because you kept quiet about that when you could have prevented further heartache or worse, an STD....
I would tell! And not out of revenge or anger... but out of the idea that your life has been destroyed and you want to help her know what she is getting herself into in the long run..... I always feel it's better to know what you are dealing with than to hide the truth.

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
cocototo2
New Member
Member # 39776
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I'm a newbie too - I would say definitely tell. Wouldn't you want to know? The biggest component for me was the STD's - doesn't she deserve to know she needs to be tested?


BW (me) - 40
WH (him) - 42
Children - 1 DS(9), 2 DD (6,2)
OW - married with DD (7)
DD - 7/6/13

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

She deserves to know the truth about her relationship. She is committed to a man who has cheated on her. Your WW may be one in a line of many. His poor BGF needs to know he is risking her health/life by exposing her to STD's. Also,an untreated STD can lead to infertility.


Call her directly and tell her on the phone..no facebook...no email OM knows you know,so he is probably watching for you to attempt contact with her.

Do NOT tell your WW that you are going to tell her..don't warn her...she will call OM and warn him so he can tell his BGF that you're crazy,jealous,accusing every male your WW knows of cheating with your WW,etc,etc.

It also means there is another set of eyes on the situation..so the affair going underground or starting back up is less likely.

And she may be able to uncover info..emails,texts,hotel receipts,etc,that you are unaware of. It may help put a few of the puzzle pieces together.

It is not revenge or hateful to tell someone the truth. Will it hurt her? Oh yes. But she needs to know.

One of the worst things about all of this is that everyone else makes decisons for your life...her WBF has betrayed her and exposed her to God-knows-what..your WW has interfered in her marriage..and very gently..you are deciding whether she gets to know this truth about her life.

You feel you deserved to know..right?

So does she.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:16 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7689 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Another solid yes here. Pretty much agree with what confused615 stated. In my case, it was the best thing I could have done. I doubt we would be trying to reconcile without it.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Lindy, listen very carefully. This woman was exposed to STD's, and is likely to be exposed to many more if she stays with her cheating boyfriend. She could literally be facing a death sentence, and you have the knowledge to help her protect herself. If you contact her, she can practice safe sex, she can get tested, and she can decide if she wants to continue to be exposed or not. If you don't contact her, then she is the silent victim to the sexual roulette that this guy is playing with her life.

The betrayed partner ALWAYS has a right to know what is going on in their life behind their back.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Yes do tell.
Facts only, be a messenger.
I was told about my exW's A 6 months after OBS JFO.
I wish she'd told me before.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
twokids
Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I hear you don't want to stir up a world of pain for the OMs girlfriend. Maybe rationalize it by thinking it's a one time thing, let sleeping dogs lie. And maybe wonder if it is your place to get involved.

I hear your reluctance and yet, I wish you would. You could be a hero in her life by simply speaking
your truth. Your small act of kindness could save her from linking herself (and possibly her children's lives) to a man who thinks only of himself and his needs.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I know how you feel. Out of shock on DDAY, I didn't contact OM based on my WW promise that she would quit. Well they didn't. Then I contacted him and it started to fizzle out. After 4 months of broken NC over and over, I had to tell OBS. When I did, she thanked me and asked why I didn't call her sooner. She was upset about that. Needless to say, OM was pissed at me.

NC went solid after that. I felt terrible about the tragic news on that poor woman because only I knew what it felt like, but it wasn't my doing. I was just reporting the facts as I would have liked to been told as well.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Add me to the round of yeses. It definitly did not invite the OW/BH into our lives, in fact it shed light on a few remaining issues and we haven't heard from them since.

Somethings to consider- doesn't the girlfriend have a right to make an informed decision in her relationship? If this OM is cheating with your WGF, who's to say she's the only one exposing the girlfriend to STDs, shouldn't she get checked? And many many many of us had that "off" feeling in our relationships, by shedding light on the A you may be relieving someone of those nagging feelings.

Please do it.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2030 | Registered: Sep 2011
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Wish there was a LIKE button. Lots good things were written. Thank you for posting this topic.

I really appreciate hearing from the men on here. It helps to know what the BH feels where initially contacting them is concerned.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

My vote is yes.

Wouldn't you want to know if she knew and you didn't?

I struggled with this for the longest time but truly believe that the OM deserved to know.

You can inform without being mean or vicious ( you are both injured parties ) but I would want to know.

Do the right thing for the right reasons.

Good luck


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1204 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 23