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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How did I ever love this person?
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I ask myself sometimes.

There are some new things he is doing and I have to figure out how to stop trying to work with him.

One pattern I'm trying hard to break is when we have a problem, DD will often tell him. He may or may not fix whatever it is, but lately is throwing it back in my face that he helped me with anything.

Remember, it wasn't even me that asked and I even ask her not to tell him.

He has been so awful lately that I tried to tell him that he is actually lucky and gets many courtesies, and he threw back in my face that he gives courtesies? They are not courtesies, they are things he is required by state or law to do!

He tried to tell me that he could act worse? What about "thank you." Thank you for letting me be part of my child's life. Thank you for letting me be in the delivery room when the baby comes. Thank you for not calling the police when I stole from our house.

No. Just more yelling at me and trapping me when I stumble with words. He will ask me something and I try to communicate it and he slings it back.

I got sick this week and have a bad back and he knows it, so maybe that's why he chose to have a conversation, I don't know?

He is making more changes with the visitation that he pushed and very angry and rude when we will not drop everything and comply. He's asking DD to change more of her life to suit him and he won't budge from plans, so I think I may say, never mind, just cancel them and don't put pressure on her.

He is again trying to see what boundaries are there about my workplace and I did have a talk with them, so we are ready next time. I am relieved about that part and there's only a little bit more time to go.

It seems he wants to steam roll into our lives and then dump DD like a sack of potatoes and be off again, though he did try to get her to live with him and taken away from me?.

I guess I just needed a vent and to share the continued shock that I experience.

It is a total and complete stranger in that man's body, who I once loved so much and now doesn't come or go without causing more pain.

He has no understanding of empathy or care and if he shows sympathy to anyone, it's not to me.

He is of the opinion that I should fully trust him now and this I simply do not understand? When I tell him there are too many unknown elements of his life for me to be able to do that do you know what? He actually blames me and tells me it's my fault because I asked him to not tell me!

Isn't he the one who cheated in the first place? Why can't he just accept that he did? Why does he expect me to blindly believe in him?

I understand it's the narcissism, but at the same time am dumbfounded to witness it.

I can only imagine now what he's going to tell Ow and his lawyer after what he got out of me today, but I've also been told it is valid worry by IC and lawyer.

I'm sorry to ramble on and air my woes again, I'm just so overwhelmed in my mind and angry at myself for being so tricked...for having my life turn out this way.

Some good things happened today but one is tied to him, so it's a double-edged sward and I'm mad because I just want to celebrate it...

A person told me recently they thought I am "emotionally exhausted" and I thought that was apt. I had not heard it before.

How am I going to raise these children with this man and who will this baby become?

You know, Mr. Peckerwood today was going on and on about how much time he gives to DD out of his life, really in my face about it and it made me cry when he left. Why can't he just do things as I do, because I'm her parent or I want to? I don't have to brag or advertise and I do it gladly.

I didn't dare ask about the food or try to talk about that and I am so worried for DD when she goes there.

One thing that came out during false R was his porn addiction and that's one thing that I finally said today, is my worry of her seeing it by accident. He is trying to say that it doesn't happen anymore and that the people she visits with love her and watch over her?

Yet during false R he very boldly stated that he grew up with porn around these same people? I'm just supposed to believe that my little girl will be safe when he has made a whole life, living and sleeping with people we don't know?

He's so smart technically that it absolutely astounds me how unaware he is of emotion or social awareness things.

And I know it's the narcissism, but to just sit there and be Mr. Perfect, I almost laughed out loud at him.

The denial is stunning. Sometimes its hard to believe he is a well person.

Thank you for this place to write these feelings out.

It's so much in my head that it's hard to blink or breathe today.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

(((Ashland)))

I totally feel where you are coming from. Hang in there. It will improve.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Are you going to have a parenting evaluation done?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Your feelings of incredulity about how this person can change so fundamentally are totally normal. We are all stunned by the rapid change of behaviour from our WS.

It's one of the hardest things I am still trying to cope with. I could almost have forgiven the affair and possibly even the re-write but the significant bile and abuse I get now astounds me.

She was my best friend for 19 years and now she HATES me and won't talk to me unless through solicitors letters

I feel for you

AAS


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Feel free to come here and ramble on, Ash. We understand, and I expect most - if not all - of us share the same incredulity and hate you have for him. We're not supposed to understand why they do this; we have regular emotions and morals.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2110 | Registered: Jan 2013
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

You are about to have a baby Ashland...please come here and vent all you need to.

If he is upsetting you and not treating you right, PLEASE remember, you don't have to let him in the delivery room. Or, tell a nurse that he can come in, but if he's being rude at all, you want him removed. They will look after that for you. Don't let him stress you out during the birth.

Normally I would say don't let him do you any "favors" fixing anything anymore, but with you as pregnant as you are, wait until after you have the baby when you can do more yourself. Then your answer is that is no longer your concern. I'll look after it. Get him out of your life as much as possible. Less control.

Stick to the agreement that is in writing for visitation. do not let him bully you. Follow your papers to the letter with this ass.

{{{hugs}}} I wish I could give you a real one.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5526 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

We all ask ourselves that question.

(((Ashland13)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Oh Ashland13, just breath today. Be gentle with yourself. Take a warm bath, do something that will soothe you.

I was going to answer that I don't know how I ever loved this person, but then the thought came, I loved him because I believed what he told me, I believed his promises. I fell in love with the man I thought he was, not who he later showed himself to be.

Stick to the visitation plan, no deviations. The visitation plan is there for your daughter's welfare, not his. Set your boundaries around the delivery room, if he doesn't behave, he's out. This is about you and what you need. Not him.

Don't worry about how you are going to raise your children with him in the future. The courts will take care of that. You just take care of yourself and your daughter right now.

(((hugs)))

Dawn58


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 8