User Topic: need an honest opinion: am i coward?
New Member
Member # 39602
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

So many of you have been so encouraging to me since I've been on this site, and thanks so much for that.

My background is here, pretty much: and essentially, I'm planning to bail on WH at the end of this month when he's on a business trip. While he's there I plan to call him, confront him, see if he'll admit to it, and then move out while he's away-- he'll come home to an empty house (probably with the worst of his nasty chats with OW nailed to the door along with my wedding ring lol) essentially.

He still has no idea I know about his indiscretions and has been coming in and out as normal-- we've been talking, interacting, eating together. He thinks everything is normal (and thanks to a well-timed fail with my progesterone pills, sex is not an issue right now-- he thinks we can't have it until my body gets accustomed to the treatment.)This is going to broadside him like no man's business.

While I think he completely deserves it, am I taking the coward's way out? Part of me thinks that I should be giving us a chance to talk it out, like so many of you have been doing, but another part of me just wants to be AWAY. I'm an avoider by nature and I HATE confrontation and I'm sure that trait is affecting my decision to essentially "sneak out" in some ways.

AM I a coward? Am I being a bad person by sitting in his house and cooking and eating food and spending money and essentially waiting for my chance to sneak away and leave him flat? Does that make me just as conniving and unfeeling as I feel he's been to me? What are your honest views on my actions? I don't want to be as wrong as he is.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

No. You are not a coward. You do need to get the hell out of there, though.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I wish I'd have left when I found out. I wish I could go back and do it over. Do I think you're a coward for leaving? Are some of us cowards for staying? No matter what it's hard work either way.

Just think about what you want.

I love my H, but R is an everyday choice and it's hard to be faced with my biggest trigger everyday.

It's hard to make a good decision after you just found out. I would say protect yourself as much as you can financially.

Just be true to yourself.

I'd take a picture of the ring and leave it for him and go pawn it so you have some extra $.

Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

You are not a coward. You have a plan, please stick to it.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

No, you're not a coward. You're being your very own heroine!

Take care of yourself. Protect yourself. He won't.

Good luck! It's so very difficult to keep the secret but please do take care of YOU.

God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

No. You are not a coward. You do need to get the hell out of there, though.

To clarify what I said (see above), I just want you to have confidence in what you're doing. I'm not suggesting you should accelerate your plans. i agree with HotCoffee that you should stick with your plan. You have NO reason to second-guess yourself. What you are doing compares in no way to what he did. Yes, you are "deceiving" him right now and it is not in your nature to deceive, which is a good thing. You are simply in survival mode. Stand pat on your plan.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Coward? Heck no! You are awesome! Planning and executing something this big (and so decisively) takes some major guts, determination and presence of mind.

The reason you're considering any of this is because you're a decent person with a working conscience. Don't get distracted by thinking you can play "fair" or that there's a "right" way to go about doing any of this stuff, because there's not. The rules changed a while ago.

Keep sticking with your plan and

get the hell out of there, though.

What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Love it! Not a coward at all! I think when you do the phone confrontation you should be upfront tho and tell him has has ONE chance to come clean and tell him otherwise you will be gone when he returns from the trip..... I would say that you know everything and want to hear it from him.... and that without 100% disclosure you are gone.... or was this a dealbreaker and you are gone anyway???
Either way, at least you'll have your say.

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

You are not a coward. If you already are going to leave and put your evidence on the door, what are you looking for exactly with calling him. I only ask bc you need to know what you will do in the slim chance he breaks down and tells you the truth. As someone who has ruined good opportunities, I would encourage you to think a lot bc its easy for emotions to take over. If he says there is no A are you going to tell him what you know and that you are leaving or just say ok hunny and then let him get whacked when he gets home.
Again, I just dont want you to get sucked in like so many have already listed here, wish I would have left immediately.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I agree with callmecrazy that you need to game out the confrontation part in advance, if you decide to do it all.

Is there an answer he could give so that you wouldn't leave? If not, are you confronting because there are things you want or need to know even though you are out?

How quickly could he come home if you confronted him? Maybe you should move out before giving him a clue! I'm not sure you owe him anything right now but you do owe it to yourself to be safe.

[This message edited by hotcoffee at 7:27 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Not a Coward. This is protecting you. This doesn't allow him to blameshift, and make you feel like this is your fault or that he is broken and only you can help him. You have every right to make your exit however you see fit.

I would suggest like the others though think through what his possible responses will be and be prepared with how you will respond. If he admits, and fals apart, and begs to do the work of R what will your response be? If he gets angry, and calls you crazy, and all that nonesense what will your response be? Etc. Having a game plan in place will make it much easier on you at the end of the day.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
New Member
Member # 39602
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

How quickly could he come home if you confronted him? Maybe you should move out before giving him a clue!

It would take him at least a day and a half to come home from where he's going, which is why it's providential.

If he says there is no A are you going to tell him what you know and that you are leaving or just say ok hunny and then let him get whacked when he gets home.

That mental image made me smile harder than anything has in days. I am going to tell him that I heard from a 'source' that he'd been fucking around, and see what he says to that. If he denies any wrongdoing I'll probably just tell him that I have proof, and that I'm leaving.

Is there an answer he could give so that you wouldn't leave? If not, are you confronting because there are things you want or need to know even though you are out?

This is what scares me the most-- if he comes clean and begs for a reconciliation. I don't know that I WANT a reconciliation. I have copies of FB message exchanges and screen shots. All I want is a verbal admission from him that he did it (which I plan to record.)

If he had fallen into an indiscretion because he'd gotten drunk or because of some mistake or momentary lapse in judgement, I might consider. But the fact that he maintained a relationship with someone, kept in contact with her AND is maintaining a sexually charged EA with his ex fiancee AND is flirting heavily with random women on FB AT THE SAME TIME is what gives me pause. I was reading a chat in which he was talking to his ex and she was worried about me finding out that they talk; he said that would never happen, because I "respect his privacy."

His actions to me seem deliberate and premeditated. He's really leading a double life. It isn't just a temporary slip up or "mistake." But if he comes clean I might feel obligated/guilted into "working" on our marriage, which I really don't want to do. He broke his vows after six weeks, why should I work on it now?

[This message edited by frankiebaby at 7:46 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

What you are doing in no way compares to what he is doing. He put you in an awful position, and you are handling it the best way you know how.

Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I think your plan is awesome. Go for it, and don't look back.

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I will tell you why I do not find your actions cowardly. HE changed the terms of your marriage and you had not input in that decision. So you get to have complete control over this one.

If he tries to convince you that you are being a coward remember that you did not hide multiple affairs. THAT is cowardly. This is protection.

Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I'm LOVING your plan. Tons of people are told to find a safe place to be when they file for divorce, and I find what you're doing to be similar. You are protecting yourself, and that's not cowardly, that very VERY wise..

My only reservation would be revealing your sources. If you think there is any small chance that you will try to reconcile, you don't want him knowing what you have access to or how you found out. You may want those sources in the future as a tool to ensure his trustworthiness, and you wouldn't want him taking the affair further underground.. You may even want them right off the bat to figure out whether he is really coming clean or not.. Let him squirm trying to figure out how you know..

You also don't want to be charged with illegal spying or whatever it's called..

I really wish I was as smart and brave as you when I found out. You are amazing, and I wish you the best..


ETA: Just read the post you referenced above, and I take back anything I said about reconciling. This guy duped you from the beginning, and he does sound like a serial cheater, so I definitely recommend leaving and going dark on him. And I do think you would qualify for an annulment.

I still don't think revealing your sources is a great idea.. You don't have to give him a reason that you are leaving. I don't think anything you say will have an effect on him, so best not to say anything at all.. Good luck. Sending hugs and strength your way..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 8:54 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

frankiebaby, It's your life and you must take whatever action you need in order to feel safe.

But I'll tell you that my best friend did this IRL. I helped her parents move her out of a McMansion in one day. Honestly? It just prolonged the drama. He played hide and seek after she went missing. Rather than "simplifying" her divorce, it turned her ex into a stalker. Where was she living? Who was she seeing? (Nobody!) Why did she move out? (Because he Cheated? Yes, but he was in denial. He hadn't imagined this consequence.) He'd park at her work and follow her everywhere in his car.

They played hide-and-seek until the police were involved. It got ugly! The drama far outweighed her intended purpose: which was a clean break.

Made closure difficult.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 8:53 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

No!!!You are not a coward. I wished I had went through with the D after DDay#1. I was working out of state when OW called me to tell me about their LTA. I was devasted, 1500 miles from home, and alone. It was horrible. I had to fly home, have my in-laws pick me up at the airport, and I went straight to my attorney and filed for D that day. I should have packed a bag and left, but instead when he got home, I listened to his lies, blameshifting reasons, etc..(Before SI) and canceled the D. Then I find out a year later he just took the A underground. He did end it then, but by this time I was too sick and broke to leave him. I needed the insurance coverage since I lost my job after DDay#1. Had I have just filed for D, then left and went back to my job, I would have been better off today. Now I am stuck, he is fixing to lose his job after 30yrs, and we will have no insurance anyway. He is regretful, but not remorseful and just rug sweeps everything.

If your WH has been cheating since right after your wedding and you have no children together I think you are doing the smartest thing. It will be easier to start a new beginning without trying to help him fix his brokeness, if that is even possible. Get out while the getting is good and to hell with the "what if's". You deserve so much more in life than to spend it with a lying cheater. R is too hard for alot of the BS and WS's that have been together for years and have children. I would think it would be especially hard for someone like yourself who has no children and a relatively short time with him. Had I left XWH#1 when he first cheated shortly after our marriage, my life would be so different now. Now I am on WH#2 and have spent almost my whole adult life with lying cheaters. My children have suffered greatly for my decision to stay for so many years trying to make my marriages work and fix the brokeness in my WS's (which I can't do).

IMO your decision to handle it this way is the best way and is brave. You will save yourself from future pain and will be happier that you stood up for yourself and did not let the asshole continue to disrespect you. If you have to make the phone call, I understand, but do not let him blameshift or make promises he will probably not keep. He will lie and try to downplay his behavior. He will make excuses and try to blameshift. Then he will promise to change, but in reality he probably won't change, but get better at hiding it. State the facts and then hang up and go NC except for texts or emails concerning finances and the D. I promise you will look back years from now and be glad that you got out of this toxic relationship. (((HUGS)))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I HATE confrontation

That's a big problem, and I hope you solve it. That could be why you're questioning your plan, and I agree there's a serious passive-aggressive aspect to it. Not good.

What would you do if you were fine with confrontation?

It's very possible you'd do the same thing you plan to do now. If you think you would, it's more support for implementing your plan.

If you'd really rather confront than leave, or if you'd like to leave in a different way, this might still be the right plan for you, since it's pretty difficult to change your behavior successfully during extreme stress.

If you really want to split - if you think splitting now is best for you - then this plan is a good one for you. After all, we all have mixed emotions and reasons for most of the things we do.

If you really want to R, I'd say stay - be ready to leave if your H is unremorseful, but stay for now.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

You are not a coward, HE is a coward. You are brave. Given that you've been married a short time and don't have kids I LOVE your plan and am secretly fantasizing that I could have done the same. I'm attempting R because we've been together so long and more importantly because of the kids. If he did this prior to kids I'd be done.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

You are not a coward! !!!! I wish I would have done this when I found out......instead of chasing and begging. Keep moving forward. He is the one that needs to prove to you that he wants to change. If you don't see remorse from him and he does not make himself an open book to you, don't waste your time. It will only make it harder for yourself. So proud of you!!!!!

Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Previous poster wrote: If you don't see remorse from him and he does not make himself an open book to you, don't waste your time.

Frankie's plan:

I plan to call him, confront him, see if he'll admit to it, and then move out while he's away

Cheater's lie, and it's gonna be knee-jerk to lie over the *phone*. She'll never see the "deer in the headlights" stunned look.

Many say closure doesn't exist, but there's something to be said for face to face confrontation. See HeartInADustpan's post yesterday:

Then, I poured it all onto my WH. The contents of every box in my head. It hurt and was the hardest thing I ever did. I saw the pain in his eyes as I pointed out every instance, every detail, every way I "knew" what was going on but was in denial to myself. I made a point to clearly expose every way he tried vilifying me and who was the real 'bad guy'. I could see he understood it was all him projecting on me.

Not everybody gets to *see* remorse or *feel* closure. But isn't that why most of us came to SI?

ETA: To clarify: I don't expect Frankie's WH to be truthful nor do I expect him to be remorseful if/when she confronts him. But, IMHO, face to face is always better than an endless series of emails, texting and Facebook stalking. Always!

Have your bags and boxes packed, say your well-rehearsed last words to the lying cheating bastard, then walk out the door with your head held high ... and never look back.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 10:49 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

While he's there I plan to call him, confront him, see if he'll admit to it, and then move out while he's away

Great plan. Just skip this part. ALL Waywards lie and/or minimize initially. ALL. Why go there? He will just piss you off. Or worse, he might try to gaslight or blameshift. Then you'll get sucked into justifying yourself. Just don't go there.

I think the idea of him unknowingly coming home to you gone will get the most shock and awe out of him. How he behaves after that will be the most telling.

Also, for most of us BS, our WS had the upper hand on Dday. They could stay calmer because they knew about and were already used to the A.

If you move out without giving your WH any notice, you will have the upper hand. He will get to feel the same shock you did when you discovered his A. If you call to confront, he will already know to expect an empty house. No shock and awe.

ETA: skip calling and confronting. DO move out.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 10:46 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Josephine is right. The first thing many of these LIARS do when confronted is continue to lie and defend and act like a cornered animal, which is exactly what they are. It took WH quite some time to get out of that lying fog and realize the party was OVER.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 11:33 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

No shock and awe.

Shock and Awe lasts a day, tops, then you're in for weeks and months of Anger. Don't forget the tit-for-tat escalation of revenge and (when she has him served) rage.

Humans are visual creatures ... when we don't have "answers" we often create the worst (worst, not best) case scenarios in our minds. That's where lifelong Mind Movies and Triggers fuck us up long after that awesome moment of "shock and awe."

[This message edited by ladies_first at 11:36 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

No I don't think your a coward. I'm an avoider, hate confrontation too. I wish to God I would have done what your doing 4yrs ago. I think its a good plan but I agree with other poster on confronting by phone to see if he lies. He's going to lie...may as well just proceed to the next step and take this one out. Good luck!!!
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
New Member
Member # 39602
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I agree there's a serious passive-aggressive aspect to it. Not good.

What would you do if you were fine with confrontation?

Probably the same exact thing. My issue here is that I don't want him begging me or trying to talk me into staying. I not only hate confrontation but tend to be easily persuaded to "do the right thing," for others regardless of how I feel about it. Codependent? Perhaps.

The way I feel right now, I just want to be away from him and I guess that's what is prompting me to run in this matter rather than talking it out face to face. I just want a completely fresh start.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

You know yourself. You are sure you want out and sure you don't want to be persuaded otherwise. I think your plan will give you the result you want. Don't communicate with him until you are out and safe. Courage!

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Not a coward at all. very brave from where I sit.

Who's name is on the lease/mortgage. I would consult with an attorney before moving out to make sure you will be protected if not there.

BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger

Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Not cowardly at all. I give you big props for being able to not confront and attack about this...knowing what you know. Listen to all of the people here. If I was married less than a year like you, knowing what I know now, I would be gone in a heartbeat. Good luck. You deserve better.

Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Hi, Frankie. I'm so glad you posted. I've been thinking about your original post since you wrote it.

Frankly, about your plan? Do it, do it, do it!

Your situation has factors - you being alone in a foreign country, him giving you the full court press courtship, you being sheltered and him monopolizing on that - that make your plan not only BRAVE, but SMART.

Don't feel bad that you aren't approaching this with a sword and shield. It wouldn't work on him. I don't think you've gotten three consecutive honest words out of him since you met him.

Please be safe. I would definitely handle this from a far distance and be safely away when he got back.

I also like the idea of NOT telling him how you know, only that you do and let him scramble around and try to figure out where the "leak" was.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

You are not a coward! I think you're brave for not telling him and just leaving with all the proof behind!! Leaving your ring will be a huge statement!! He didn't tell you he had a girlfriend on the side! Why should you tell him you are leaving?

I wish I would have been able to do it this way! I confronted way to soon and got so many lies!! I felt like I was crazy!! I also have 4 kids and no way I could have just left! But I really think it would have woken him from the fog so much earlier then it did, had I done it your way! Mine ended up cheating with her again, and then TT'd me to death!

Although he is finally out of the fog now, it only happened when I told him I was done and put my bitch boots on!!

You are starting with your bitch boots on!! So wish I had pulled mine up sooner!

Sorry you are here in the first place! I am glad you found this site sooner then I had! The people here have given me strength and helped me feel sain again and move forward for me and my marriage!

Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2012
staying hopefull
Member # 5748
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

no! You are not a coward at all! That is brave! Very brave!!
I would have done the same thing if it were not for my DD. I didn't just stay for my kids...but they were a big reason for me working it out. If I were childless at the time...I believe I would have done the same thing.
Best wishes to you OP!

Me - BS (40) FWH (43)
Two children
Together 20 years, married 15 years
Reconcilied for 9 years!

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Nov 2004
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

I don't see you as a coward at all. But, like a couple of others have said don't bother calling just move out.

If he cares enough he will call you and tell you he is ready to talk and tell you the truth this time. If he doesn't you are all ready on your way to a 180. I am proud of you.

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Frankie, put yourself in his shoes for a minute:

You pursue your friends' sheltered daughter for two years (often from afar) and finally wear her down and she marries you. You admit to having a womanizing "sinful" past and yet bemoan the one the got away. You then move your new bride into an apt that is still strewn with your exes keepsakes.

Six weeks later you have an affair while out of the country. Your good wife conveniently stayed home to conserve money - She doesn't know you funnel money to two OW and chat up a bunch of others... In fact you brag that she won't find out because she "respects your privacy".

Who is this guy? Does he love like a normal person? Is he acquainted with compassion or empathy? He cavalierly flirts with women on line but he is a minister!!? Is it all an act? Are we talking NPD, or run of the mill sociopath?

Nothing in this scenario is normal, or mentally sound.

Whatever you do - please be very careful! What you know could ruin his career -- and I think that will be his biggest concern!

If you haven't preserved copies of all that evidence do it now - if for no other reason than to share with your parents, so they know the truth.

Hugs and prayers!

Sheep run from wolves. It isn't cowardly - it is survival.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

I remember your story and you are not being a coward, you are doing 100% the right thing. It is not cowardly, passive aggressive, etc.. It is the safest way, physically and emotionally, to get away from this sociopath. I would not tell him you are leaving and give him time to think about what to do before he gets home and realizes you've left. Go ahead and call him and tell him you know but don't tell him how you know. That way, he knows why you left so there's no reason for him to contact you and ask why. There's no unfinished business. He'll spend his time coming home thinking about how to do damage control, how to convince you think you've misunderstood or are over reacting or that he will change for you. He thought he married an easy target who he could make into his victim and get away with it. He misjudged you. He will move on to find another victim. You will move onto a much better life, a little wiser for the experience but knowing you will not tolerate abuse. Men look for victims they can abuse... You are not one of them. You have higher expectations. The men in your future will meet those expectations because it's what you expect from them and you won't accept less. This is you taking control and creating the life you want and deserve, not becoming a victim of circumstances.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 6:43 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

You are not a coward.

I thought the same thing.

Please be prepared: he will lie, deny and then blame you.

He will put you on an emotional roller coaster.

Everyday, I have to keep telling myself, what he did was wrong. It was NOT my fault. I will NOT accept that.

And then i read and re-read the texts back and forth from him and the prostitutes, to remind myself of who he really is, whenever he starts getting all sweet on me.

Good luck to you!

Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Frankiebaby - You are not a coward. I did the same thing. I suspected my
WH was having an A. Every time I asked if there was someone else he told me there wasn't and would start talking about our future and he was going to be a better husband. A month later I could not take the lies and confronted him in our driveway. I told him tell the truth or get back in the car and leave. He chose to leave. Four months later I found a text - at last proof he could not deny.
I have been struggling with the lies for two years. I am not sure I will get over the extent of the lies and his willingness to leave rather than tell the truth.

To leave while he is gone does not make you a coward. He is the coward. Not you.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

If you 'want out' and this is a dealbreaker for you there is nothing wrong with you packing up and leaving without informing him. I'm sure he didn't inform you when he was cheating. Good luck with your decision.

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"

Posts: 9753 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 39