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Just Found Out
User Topic: God this hurts today....
ohforthree
New Member
Member # 39851
Helpless  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

D-day #1 August 2011, D-day (?) #2 July 15...

(semi long) I am incredibly tired, both mentally and physically and lost at the moment so please excuse the typos and failure to abbreviate. I just need to vent or talk to someone.

My wife walked out Monday after we had a great vacation in June and a great birthday trip this weekend. We have been together 13 years, lost children to miscarriages in 2008 and 2010, put W in counseling in 2010 due to the miscarriages as well as her being an abuse victim as a child, W had affair in 2011 and we separated (I asked her to leave)

I then executed “the 180" plan to the max (after joining this site), within 3 weeks she called and agreed to end the “A” and go to counseling. She wound up on a large dose of prozac and sleeping meds. She moved back home shortly thereafter. We went to counseling in 2011 and 2012 and until a few months ago things were progressing well. We had even discussed adoption, future retirement plans, etc etc. I began to notice her physically pulling away in April and talking less and less to me outside of necessary conversation. Her mood was best described as numb and unaffectionate. We have always been the type of couple to hold hands, hug and show affection. This all stopped in the spring along with any sex or talking.

Sensing something was wrong I scheduled a 10 day trip to an all-inclusive resort in June and took a couple of weeks off work when we returned. The vacation was great, we smiled, laughed, and spent some beach time together and I discounted my feelings that something was wrong. When we returned from vacation her mood again turned numb.

This past weekend we took a weekend trip for my birthday and, while she was a little numb acting (going thru the motions) she smile and laughed and seemed to have a good time, we even had sex on Sunday after our return.

Monday morning (15th) I awoke to get dressed for work. She met me in our den, told me to sit down, and immediately said “I want a divorce, I am not seeing anyone else, I am just unhappy. You have treated me great but I am miserable and want to divorce” followed by the standard “I love you, but I am not IN love with you, your like a good family member and best friend and I want out” she added that she will not attend counseling this time because it “obviously did no good”.

She has been in my presence (or confirmed places like work) since the spring and the signs I saw in 2011 are not there. This time is totally different and spooky. I am not sure this can be fixed.

Right now I am tired, sad, embarrassed, shamed and feeling less than a man for not being able to make my marriage work. I love this little lady more than I can say and have always provided for her, showed her affection and been her venting board. Now this....

Sorry to ramble but I am just sick. I made an appointment to see our marriage counselor alone today to fill her in on these events, but coming home to an empty house, empty closet and our failures is too much to bear.

Please keep me in your prayers as I try to navigate this. Any advice is appreciated. PM if you want I will check the site often (as I did 2 years ago). I am really scared to start over at 49 years old with no family, almost scared sick, not to mention the fact that I still love my wife. Keep me in your thoughts.... I just needed to talk.


Me- 49
W- 40
No Children (lost 2 miscarriage)

WA- June 2011
Separated Aug 2011
Counseling- Oct 2011
Reconciled- Dec 2011
Cont'd Counseling Jan-Jun 2012
Separated- Jul 2013


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Oklahoma
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry for you.
I'll keep hoping and praying that she comes back to you.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 468 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I understand that you are scared. We all are when confronted to loose so much we invested in for an uncertain future. It's hard to choose oneself and to trust life when all you know and got used to care for vanishes. But it can be done. Just one day at a time.

You shouldn't feel like less of a man for not being able to control what's not in your reach. It seems that you did everything you could to save your M. You should be proud of the H you've been.

Unfortunately, other people can't be fixed unless they want to commit to fix themselves. Your W faces a lot of strong headwinds (childhood issues are a biggie, I know that myself)that she needs pro help with. Unless she agrees to that, unhappiness will follow her everywhere she goes. Unfortunately, you have no control over that.

Life is serving you a wonderful opportunity to refocus the energy you have put to fix another person on yourself. It can only benefit you and your life in the long term.

Take things an hour at a time today. Lean on us as much as you need.


[This message edited by burnt_toast at 12:38 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Hugs ohforthree, that is so hurtful. All the best to you as you go forward.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
soveryalone1
Member
Member # 39807
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

the whole I love you but I am not in love , or yes I will always love you but not in that way??? I have heard that is just a cop out? do people really fall in and out of love?


jao

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vermont USA
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry ohforthree.

I know you love her, but at this point you need to focus just on you.

Even if her behavior is a result of clinical depression, you can't fix her. She has to want to fix herself.

Right now 95% of your energy needs to be put in to YOU. You can reserve a smidgen for her if she asks for assistance getting mental health care.

You are an incredibly strong individual. You will get through this.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Welcome back? Sorry that you've come back to the clubhouse.

None of the signs were there? Maybe so. Why, if she was in counseling did she not approach you or the therapist then?

Give this a little time. I'm thinking something unseen is afoot.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

(((ohforthree)))

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

ohforthree,

I'm so sorry.

I suspect your wife is involved in another affair; and it most probably started around April - when you started noticing her changed behaviors/feelings toward you.

((((hugs)))


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6121 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Hi there and many ((hugs))

I can understand as we get up in age it seems even scarier that maybe we will end up alone for the rest of our lives...I wanted to tell you that my brother at 48 recently separated from his common law wife of 10 years. She left him for another guy she met while on vacation. He was devastated. Lost in fact...but then something happened it was like an epiphany for him that he was going to be ok. He lost 30lbs, started coloring his hair again, got a tattoo, started living again. Guess what? She wants him back now and he's not interested. He's ready to see what the rest of the world has in store for him. They have no kids either so nothing really tying him.

I just wanted to tell you that it does get better. She is not the end of your story. In fact she may have just done you a favor you aren't even aware of yet. Hang in there. It is tough. It's ok to cry, breakdown and cry some more. Just remember it will get better...


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 878 | Registered: May 2011
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Helpless  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Right now I am tired, sad, embarrassed, shamed and feeling less than a man for not being able to make my marriage work

Ohforthree - this is not your fault. It is not. Your wife is a broken person.

If she wasn't happy then she needed to discuss this with you.

I am so sorry for your hurt and your despair.

We are all here and I am sending prayers your way as I type.

Hang in there and take care of you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 11