SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: called husband of OW...got cussed out
determined99
New Member
Member # 39507
Happy  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

After nearly 2 months of debating, reading posts here, praying, and thinking, I decided to call the 70 year old husband of the 67 year old woman who slept with my 38 yr. Old husband for over a year. I introduced myself, told him through tears this was the hardest call i'd ever made in my life but that I couldn't stand him not knowing the truth. Before I could even tell him anything he said he knew what this was about and I was full of bullsh*t then hung up on me. My WS admitted he broke the NC and told the OW I may try to call her husband so she obviously gave him the heads up. I begged my WS to call this man and tell him the truth, but he said
he won't. Now I wish I had never called because now I have been re victimized. Can't take any more hurt. So low...

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: determined99
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Hon... this is not your fault! They got to the poor man first and some BS's are just unable to cope with knowing the truth about their lives....
YOU are not the first to have this happen to you... others on here have posted about when they contact the other betrayed spouse about how they got serious denial... to function the poor man needs to live in denial about his wife...
DO not be angry at yourself or him.... he needs to live this way to function and get through the day... this may be enough to get him to slowly wake up... if so he will become more vigilant and begin to watch his own wife... he will likely begin to question small things... and eventually he is going to see the light... keep all your evidence for that day, should it come.... but do not allow him to make you feel bad.... you told the truth and it's now on his shoulders to do as he wishes to try to save himself...

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

((((determined))))

Honey, he KNOWS. He just can't deal with it - he's taking his anger on her out on you.

I'm so sorry. But please know it's not because he doesn't believe you.

It wasn't in vain.

JMHO, but I'd say if your WH won't speak the truth to the man, that would be a dealbreaker for R. AND he broke NC to do damage control. I'm so sorry.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

JMHO, but I'd say if your WH won't speak the truth to the man, that would be a dealbreaker for R. AND he broke NC to do damage control. I'm so sorry.

Ditto


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)


JMHO, but I'd say if your WH won't speak the truth to the man, that would be a dealbreaker for R. AND he broke NC to do damage control. I'm so sorry.

Ditto

DING DING DING!!

I would feel bad for the 70yo. This is probably someone he has been with for 30, 40 years or more. He just can't deal with it.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I think an important issue here is that your husband is still protecting her.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
hotcoffee
Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I agree with the wise posts above. Your WH should do what YOU ask him to do. He should want to defend your honor.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

First, I am proud of you. You tried to do the right thing. Know that in your heart. Perhaps send a letter then be done with it.

Agree with the others. Why did he feel it was necessary to break the NC to protect the other woman?

RED FLAG and that is selfish and wrong of him.

Make him calling the OW's husband a condition of R for you. If he cares about rebuilding your marriage then he will do WHATEVER it takes.

Has your husband addressed in IC why he allowed himself to cheat with at 67 year old woman?

Stay strong. You did nothing wrong. He did and continues to put himself before you.

Demand respect and start to 180 him. Sounds as if he is still in denial.

Good luck

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:29 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1143 | Registered: Apr 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

determined99

Looks like he wants his relationship with the old hag over you... Look if he can't abide by what you need then boot his ass out of the house...

Maybe then he will get it!!
You deserve more..
If you can't boot him then when he comes home from work.. You either not be there and be out and about with the child or child at parents and you out and about with friends... Look don't be available to him.
Let him know you can and will have a life with or without him that he isn't all that!!

Good luck... And find a different therapist!! If she told you not to tell the BS she isn't worth crud!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I think the real problem here is your WH broke NC...something he promised you he wouldn't do..to warn the OW. He is protecting her.

This is why we warn BS's not to tell their WS they're going to tell the OBS.

Im so sorry.

If he refuses...and he allows this man to think you are a liar...tell him no R.

Seriously. He disrespected you with the affair...and is disrespecting you now.

He broke NC...to protect his whore.

What are the consequences of him breaking NC?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7421 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

This is a cautionary tale as to why you NEVER tell the WS that you plan on telling the other BS about the infidelity. Now, what do you do about the broken NC?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

JMHO, but I'd say if your WH won't speak the truth to the man, that would be a dealbreaker for R. AND he broke NC to do damage control. I'm so sorry.

yep.


I think an important issue here is that your husband is still protecting her.

and yep again.

No matter what you did the right thing. Don't let his reaction take that away from you. Sometimes people aren't ready for the truth.

Now what's the next step with your WH?


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2021 | Registered: Sep 2011
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

You have been revictimized--but not by the OBS. He is like any other--he wants to believe his cheating wife.

The person who victimized you in this case was your husband, who betrayed you, yet again, to get in cahoots with OW. He protected her at your expense.

And trust me, I know how much that hurts.

(((determined99)))

It still was the right thing to do. (I didn't believe the first person who told me my husband was cheating, either. But in retrospect, I am very glad she did tell me--actually, I was grateful at the time, even though I believed it to be unthinkable that my husband would cheat--idiot that I was; it helped me reconstruct my husband's history when I did accept it.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:21 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8690 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

The person who victimized you in this case was your husband, who betrayed you, yet again, to get in cahoots with OW. He protected her at your expense.

Truth.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3932 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

the first thing on your next grocery list should be Hefty bags.

obviously WH has made the choice to protect her first.

he needs to be gone until you are his first choice.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Sad  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

JMHO, but I'd say if your WH won't speak the truth to the man, that would be a dealbreaker for R. AND he broke NC to do damage control. I'm so sorry.

This! I wish I had been strong enough to do what you did, which was very very much the right thing to do. I'm sorry, but if he's refusing to call the man and tell him the truth, then A) he still wants some sort of relationship with her B) he is more protective of her than you. Either/both of those equals C) He is not truly remorseful and R is not possible at this time.

I think an important issue here is that your husband is still protecting her.

Unfortunately, this is very true. He broke NC, to warn her. He chose protecting her, over helping heal you.

Your WS contacting the OBS with the truth, should be a requirement to R, especially since he broke NC to warn her. He made a terrible situation just that much more messed up and complicated by doing so...now he needs to make it right.

It is such a blessing that you found SI so early in this process, I can't help but be sad that I didn't...how different things might have been.

Like another poster said, Demand the Respect You Deserve.

Do not take anything less than true remorse, for you will just find yourself in false R, and may end up with many of the regrets I, like so many of us, do.

You should be proud of yourself, that you did in fact do the right thing. Your WH and the OW sabotaging it, doesn't negate that. Someone mentioned writing it out and sending it to him (if your WS doesn't do what you've asked), is a good idea if you have a means to do that, and if you still want to reach out. Seeing things in black and white, holding it in your hand, has a way of clearing the fog and shutting out all of the other noise.

I'm so sorry that your WH did this, and even more sorry that he inflicted more unnecessary pain. You're stronger than I was, I applaud you for that!

(((determined99)))


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

you did the right thing...and i applaud you for it.

is she really 67 years old? WOW. see, i just dont understand that.

my h cheated with a woman who is 55 years old and we are 40....

and she looks every bit of 55 if not older.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 940 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

As to the OBS - Your heart was in the right place, you did the right thing, let go of the outcome.

As to your WH - His heart is in the wrong place - he did the wrong thing, and now you decide the outcome of this for him!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

The fact that your WH is a minister and is still protecting the OW speaks volumes about his true character. He isn't interested in helping you through this at all, he's only interested in protecting himself and his OW still. Time to get a stiff upper lip and give him a full 180.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

3 Truths....

You did the right thing.

The BH KNOWS.

Your WS is a jerk.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

My WS admitted he broke the NC and told the OW I may try to call her husband so she obviously gave him the heads up. I begged my WS to call this man and tell him the truth, but he said
he won't.


^^^Your WH is a monster.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I feel like a broken record tonight!

I'm curious why you haven't kicked him to the curb?
He could use you to pull up your Bitch Boots, and teach him a lesson about real life. He needs an immediate dose of reality. Let him explain his holier than thou ass to the congregation!

Why are you not standing up to this nonsense? Are you not worth more? (Yes, you are, by the way, a lot more!). How dare he warn her.

This isn't a game. This is YOUR life.
Open an account, fund it, and kick him to the curb until he gets it!


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

the first thing on your next grocery list should be Hefty bags.

Don't wait until you need milk and eggs. Make a special trip to the grocery store, and buy them. Put his stuff on the front porch.

I'm so sorry you were victimized by one of the OP. Your WH has got a nerve...he is so full of himself...he needs to get knocked down a few notches.

Did you call your family? You need someone who loves you right now...we're here, but family would be so good for you right now.

(((((determined99)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry you were victimized by one of the OP.

I disagree. She was victimized by her husband.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Just have to give you a cyber hug for doing what you knew was right. Now you need to do the right thing again & listen to all the good advice you've been given from people who have been there & done it. I don't think your H has any idea of the cliff he has just jumped off of but, you need to let him crash & burn. When he comes crawling back you will know he "gets" it and only then should you consider taking him back!

One thing most members of a congregation won't tolerate is someone preaching to them "Do as I say, not as I do". Let the chips fall where they may. You will be fine!

BTW - her husband knows. Didn't we all know? It may take a little while but, unless he is senile, he will figure it out.

Good job! At least you can look yourself in the mirror!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 736 | Registered: Apr 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

DarkInertia,

determined99 has been victimized by her WH, the OW and nowalsoby the OWH. Of course it never would have happened if WH hadn't had an A in the first place, so it is all his fault.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I didn't believe the first person who told me my husband was cheating, either

In my case my step-DD informed me. She was and is very close to her father so I know it was difficult for her to do, and she did it because she knew it was the right thing to do. At least I didn't get angry at her or anything like that but I did defend him and made excuses and said I did not believe it was true. I felt like such an ass later when I discovered for myself that it was true. But I'm just saying this to let you know that you can not predict whether the BS will appreciate the news. Some may appreciate it later when it sinks in, and some may never believe it and may resent you, and believe the coverups and damage control lies told by their cheating spouse. But really, no matter how they react, I firmly believe it is best to tell them. There are a lot of reasons to tell, not the least of which, exposing the A usually ruins the "magic" of their secrecy and the A is more likely to truly end with more people knowing and watching.

I found a way to make sure the Whore's H knew and I don't think he ever appreciated it, but don't know for sure since he never communicated or contact me in any way after that. Even so, I do believe that he adopted a more watchful eye on his whore-wife which needed to be done, obviously.


Posts: 5742 | Registered: Apr 2006
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

If my husband had warned his AP that I was calling the OBS I would not be impressed. In fact if my husband ever breaks NC intentionally the first call I would make would be to a lawyer.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

(((((((d99))))))))

If your H is still worried about protecting the OW and warning her, I'm afraid he - at worst is still in the A and has gone underground, or - at best is still deep in the fog . Protecting his OW from YOU????

180 his foggy, foggy a$$.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I think an important issue here is that your husband is still protecting her.

I agree completely.

(((HUGS)))

I'm sure you're in shock. You're probably trembling on the inside, wondering if this is really your life, if this is really happening, if this is truly "it". The End. Done.

I remember feeling like I was out of my body, like I was observing myself from a distance. Was I actually going to do this? Was I actually going to divorce him? Was I really making the call to a lawyer?

I'm really sorry, Hon. Whatever you end up deciding to do, I am so sorry for the hurt you're feeling right now, the ringing in your ears of that man's horrible words. I'm so sorry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ohforthree
New Member
Member # 39851
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Determined99... Hang in there, the best advice I can give you is:

--H ceases all contact with the OW or anyone connected to her. This would apply to you to.

--Get a marriage contract in writing that he will agree to NC with the OW, be sure to include a clause that requires counseling

--Set boundries for the both of you and demand he stay within those boundries. We all have boundries.

--Stick to your guns so to speak and stand up for yourself. Put your foot down.


Me- 49
W- 40
No Children (lost 2 miscarriage)

WA- June 2011
Separated Aug 2011
Counseling- Oct 2011
Reconciled- Dec 2011
Cont'd Counseling Jan-Jun 2012
Separated- Jul 2013


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

This is SO WRONG....
My WS admitted he broke the NC and told the OW I may try to call her husband so she obviously gave him the heads up.

So what are YOU going to do about your idiot husband breaking NC and throwing you under the bus to protect his whore?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6121 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
omgnome
Member
Member # 36888
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I know it's been said before, but I have to say it.

You did the right thing.

I was in the same situation, I was screamed at by the OMW that I was some crazy guy. Fine, okay, whatever. Months later I'm able to look back at the incident and realize that I did all I could.

If they don't want to believe you then it's their problem. They've been warned/told. You did your job, if they want to live with blinders on that's their problem.


You have no further obligation to them. I would say you have none to your WS either. They do not have your needs as their priority.

You need to make you your priority. You need to take care of yourself and put yourself first. Do what you need to do.


BS

Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2012
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I am a BS. I found out back in 2010 my 32 yr old h was having an affair with our 45 yr old married realtor. His second go at it with her. They had a brief EA in 2007/2008.

Any how. The shock of the affair, the shock of it being her AGAIN and the shock of her being older was enormous.

I must say im really disappointed at all the judgement i feel im seeing being thrown this BS way. Wtf!

All this," i would do this".... "i wouldn't stand for that"...."why haven't you left or kicked him out"....Wow!

I have been here 3 yrs and I'm just disgusted.

Determined99 ..I'm so sorry! I have no advice or witty words. Im just so sorry as a BS.

Edit because i accidentally put wrong username for the BS who made the original post!

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 10:21 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I just think its pretty shitty..

Telling this BS..what to do! Talking at her instead of to her and questioning her judgement! For f*cksake shes the BS!

Very different from how I remember being treated and talked to 3 yrs ago.

Some of you BS imo need to check yourselves and have some empathy and better tact on top of a heavy dose of compassion!


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Topic Posts: 35