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User Topic: First MC Session. WH's goal.
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

We met with a MC for the first time since the affair. WH has been asking me back, but apparently still seeing OW up until about a week and a half ago. She discovered pics on my FB, went off on WH,hates him now because he violated boundaries by being with me (she's apparently big on boundaries) and we said we'd talk to a counselor to see if we can possibly consider R.

I'm not certain I can. But when the MC asked us both what our goals for therapy were, mine were to try to save the marriage. WH said "to never lose my wife as a friend whether the marriage works out or whether we divorce."

Seems like a tall order for a MC if you ask me.

Anyway, the session went well, him admitting to stuff I never knew before. (do discoveries ever friggen end??) and at one point he told the counselor that he honestly feels he's in love with two women, to which the counselor said "too much information for your wife" and told him that won't make me rebuild trust, rebuild a bond with him and if he needs to express himself to me it needs to be how sorry he is for hurting me and how comitted he is to the marriage.

But...his opening. Not wanting to lose my friendship as his goal of therapy. Sorry, but for me anyway, if the marriage doesn't work out its because he violated my trust again, broke NC, or just refused to commit and "being his friend" won't be do-able for me. Its not emotional blackmail either. Its reality. Not "oh well, never mind the marriage. You're my buddy and always will be honey."

Sick of him saying stuff like that. I'm to the point of "in or out"

One single slip up, and I'm finished. Techinically I already was finished, but interesting turn of events recently and I am curious what MC has to offer.

In general the session was great.

She told WH that OW continuing to contact him was a violation of boundaries despite how good her intentions seem to him. Hilarious because he got the "boundary" talk from OW so much, it used to drive him nuts he said. He's getting boundary discussion from all sides and he's cracking. So great.

So, him being in love with two women is what will keep me from moving back with him.

MC thinks we can work through his feelings for her, but I don't know if I have the patience to deal with that.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Sounds like you have a great counselor! If nothing else, this will make you feel you've really done everything to save the M, and you can walk away with a clear conscience. I think I'd be pretty pissed off by your WH's comments, too, and I admire your self-restraint in not laughing hysterically at OW's "boundaries" talk. WTF?!?!


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Your counselor sounds great.

I don't know, though. He's in la-la land still, and I'm not sure how long you can reasonably go on in this vein.

"I want to be friends" is a goal that, quite frankly, demonstrates that the just doesn't GET it.

Maybe the MC will help him pull his head out fast. (I hope it's not too late.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:09 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8539 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Lala land, exactly.

I am not in the camp that believes you can honestly be in love with two people. Feelings, sure. But not a honest, mature real relationship.

I mean, OW doesn't even know the real WH, if most of what he has been feeding her has been lies. She knows the charming side of him, that likes to party, go to clubs, drink, behaves romantically, BS her that he's some deep, emotional and caring person.

The lies... the lies to cover the oringal lies... the new lies he told while "coming clean" which was only an act of coming clean...

And he loves her? And me?

Right.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 2:28 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I'd venture to guess he's not acquainted with what real love is, to tell you the truth. He might have been at one time. He might be again.

Now? He's a cake-eating mess.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8539 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

"to never lose my wife as a friend whether the marriage works out or whether we divorce."

To make sure spelljean keeps feeding me that cake. It's so yummy! I love two women fighting over me!


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8807 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 6