New Beginnings
User Topic: Poll: What are your red flags?
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I tend to overlook some red flags in people(or maybe turning red ones yellow in my eyes). I was completely co-dependent in my M, so I know that is part of the reason why. I tend to excuse some things that I probably shouldn't.

I'm not talking cheating red flags....those are obvious as hell to me now and I err on the cautious side. And obviously, not someone who kills kittens or something...but what red flags show that someone isn't the right one for you? That you aren't compatible for the long run?

I'll start with alcohol as a red flag that is too much for me to accept now. XSO's drinking, which he tried to hide from me, lead to a lot of what I would consider him "disappearing". Essentially not hearing from him for blocks of time without knowing why. Such as getting a text from him at 5:00 pm and then not hearing from him until the next morning, like no big deal. And never phone calls. I might detect a slur.

Editing to add about the text part. I mean getting a question like, "how was your day", I answer and nothing. Or one of the final ones of him mentioning going to get ice cream at 8:30 pm, and me replying in the affirmative, and then nothing until the next day because "he fell asleep".

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 8:16 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

What an interesting question.

My kids are my barometer. Anyone whom I would feel even a smidgen uncomfortable introducing to my children is not someone for me.

Which means, she has to be kind, no chip on her shoulder, and no hard edge to her. Sarcasm makes me leery. I'm looking for wholesome, with an intact sense of wonder. Hard to find at the ripe age of 47.

If it weren't for my kids, I'd have probably shacked up with someone by now and be in a miserable relationship.

BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

First one that comes to mind is VICTIM MENTALITY aka BLAMESHIFTING. While I was OLD, I actually had three different guys who I liked, saw 3-6 times and then stopped seeing specifically because they always had an excuse for everything, nothing was ever their fault, and they never accepted any responsibility for anything in their life.

Oh, you didn't get that chief resident position because they gave it to a woman for affirmative action (even though she had better grades than you)?
Oh, you lost your last job because some woman wanted her friend to get the job and accused you of sexual harassment to get you out of the way (even though you were only "kidding")?
Oh, the reason you have never had a long term relationship despite being in your thirties is because your parents got a divorce when you were a kid (and you aren't introspective enough to learn and grow past that)?

Big stuff, small stuff, fucking take responsibility for what happens in your life.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13802 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

somebody who is unhappy with the majority of their life, their family, their job and just accepts it, never looks for a solution to any problems. My Ex husband was a misery bag....never, ever happy. It is so demoralizing over the long term.


Posts: 2712 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

It's true about the kids as a barometer. I do think having the boys kept me from making some quick and rash decisions with dating XSO. I know he would have liked to move in together. It was off-the-table for me because of the kids.

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 9:16 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Amazonia and Garden Party. Those are good ones too. I'm getting a lot of good advice, and also making me realize that ending things with XSO was probably the right decision.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

like Ama said, the victim mentality is a huge red flag for me. Not just for dating, but in people in general.
I've found that most perpetual victims are also very passive aggressive as well. Not the kind of people I voluntarily want in my life, kwim?

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12167 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I have a few.

Jazz Hands, Love Bombing, booze beyond a glass with dinner or a few quiet ones at a BBQ, ANY drug use, zero introspection, a love of cricket, a dependancy on external validation, really critical of self, a time-freak (control), hot temper, recklessness - even if it is 'only once a year'.

I also recently realised I am averse to guys who don't want pets - not because it doesn't suit their lifestyle but because they 'don't get the appeal'.

I've worked out that a dealbreaker doesn't have to be universal wrong for it to be a dealbreaker. Not right for me is reason enough.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm 46, so I'm referring to men in my age range....Living paycheck to paycheck, living with their mother (as a way of life because they can't manage their money), large amounts of debt due to frivolous spending, still going clubbing every week, drinking alcohol daily to excess, dates women in their 20's, 3 or more marriages, no friends their own age but significantly younger, derogatory references to all of their previous SO's, victim mentality, drug user....that's it for now. I'm sure I'll have more later

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm not dating, but when I did, these were on my list: big ego, brags, dysfunctional relationships with family, poor grooming, finances in a mess, homophobic, racist, obsessed with politics or political issues, inability to be introspective and thoughtful, extreme extroversion (can't tolerate being alone).

Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12

Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Someone who can only finish a sentence with anyway (or worse anyways) but doesn't finish the sentence and continues to talk about her...oh everything about her...without ever finishing the sentence.

At dinner and she seems more interested in the portfolio than what's on the menu.

No sense of humor or worse, no sense of humor but they think they are amazingly funny.

The first women who offers to pay for the $6 bridge toll (just offers mind you) after receiving a dinner and a night at the symphony, I will ask to marry me...well maybe not but I will like them a lot.

Perfume splashed on so that I taste it in my mouth while sitting 5 feet away from her.

And...get ready for it and hate...anyone who feels the need to put LOL all over an email so that I know that what ever they wrote was so hysterical that I should be laughing out loud which honestly I can't remember ever doing after a LOL.

Edited because I forgot a couple

[This message edited by asurvivor at 12:36 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
Hopeful Lady
Member # 30441
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Interesting question. I'd say anything that makes me feel uncomfortable with the person is reason enough for me. I don't want to deal with a relationship that does not feel right or that requires too much work at this point in life.

A few specific red flags for me: short temper, trying too hard to create intimacy, controlling, financially messed up, neediness, ever hit a woman, drinking too much.

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

A man who doesn't offer me a bag of mangos!! Sorry - I am still tickled with Cabrona's post.

You know, I have been paying close attention to people's FB pages. Not only what they post...but how their "friends" respond to them or not. This one person that I was emailing with (via OLD) has like 700 friends. Which he should - he is in minstry so that is expected. However, he rarely gets responses. Too me, that means something.
[Not sure quite "what" it means....]

I think it is on the same level to my question of asking them who is their oldest (ie longest) friend and why. When they reply, "I really don't have friends"....then there is a yellow flag for me.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2181 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

asking them who is their oldest (ie longest) friend and why. When they reply, "I really don't have friends"

This has never happened to me, but yes, I would definitely think that was a red flag!

I have had guys who have wanted me to create a life for them. My XH was this way, sort of. Except that I moved to be with him. But I've gone out with a few guys who were new to DC (freaking everyone is new to DC ) who wanted me to be their social coordinator, wanted to move into my amazing apartment, wanted to meet my friends (because they didn't have any yet), wanted me to take them to every single popular bar or restaurant in town, wanted to share my hobbies and join my activity groups... gees. Shall I just let you piggy back along on my life? Instead of you having your own?

LACK OF INDEPENDENCE is the red flag here, I guess.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13802 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

As a person with no children, I'll take the flip side of OAIL's post.

Anyone that wants me to meet their kids on the second date is a red flag for me. Protect your children, and show that you're an excellent parent!

I also think that people need to have a life. I don't want to be the only thing that someone has going for them. I was to be a great part of their life - not their entire reason for being.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7773 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 19319
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Jazz hands and love bombing?

Posts: 202 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

My big two, do not date this person they are bad news;

They have a criminal record
They are a deadbeat parent

You can give the benefit of the doubt on a lot of things, but to me there just aren’t enough good reasons for either of the above to even risk playing the odds.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Jazz hands and love bombing?

@InTheRabbitHole, Jazz hands is my own - its a spin on Love Bombing. Nature Girl described it best "Overwhelming the target until their defences crumble."

The guy who calls a million times, falls in love within a week. Is proposing within a few weeks. I've never thought it romantic. The sad clown asked me to marry him 6 weeks after we met whilst drunk as a skunk. My response was: "that is so inappropriate" and I was constantly putting the brakes on while he pushed and pushed. I won't fall for that again.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Not dating. Mine were any form of racism or bigotry. Huge. Living crises to crises...someone always pissing them off or annoying them. Now they treat servers at bars and restaurants. How they deal with family. How good a parent they are. How they respond to discussions where "we" disagree. How interested in other's plights (genuine interest). No appreciation of Metallica...especially old stuff. Smothering. Not asking "what do you think?". Not taking care of their car. Blanket claims like "I never lie", "I would NEVER xyz".

Above list random order. All equally important...well, after the Appreciation of Metallica. Duh.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Someone like a recent guy, texting only; no phone calls. Another would be texting pictures of a check (yes, he did send one to me for something he sold) or many pictures of himself.

I definitely agree with Ama. My STBX is like this. My family was his life. Someone who is not giving right off the bat. I mean demonstrates concern for others.

Condo/home that is not clean. Sorry guys, but this is a major red flag. If you don't clean, get a cleaning person.

Touching other women while on the date with you (at a bar). Um, leaving you at the event without saying goodbye. Gosh, I have been with some pathetic dates.

Clear insecurity. Bragging about materialistic posessions.

By the way, I didn't know what LOL meant until this year!!!! My daughter hates my texts because they are all in complete sentences and spelled correctly.

Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

My daughter hates my texts because they are all in complete sentences and spelled correctly.


I'm not a model case on choosing partners up to now it seems but here it goes :

Messed up relationship with FOO or on the contrary, badly idealizing or dependent on his family;
Always «agrees» with me (that always backfires, even if it takes years);
Not taking responsibility for being unhappy (or for anything else);
Jokes that make me unconfortable (discounting women, normalizing violence or otherwise unacceptable behavior);
Filthy appartment/house
Spending pattern obviously not in line with situation/position/income level - both ways;
Poor impulse control, e.g. not being able to follow through multiple diet/exercise/budget plans, reckless driving/behavior, etc.;
Changes the way he acts and «is» depending with who he is;
Not cultivating any interests of his own outside of work/family/couple time;
Repeatedly breaks promises;
Must have a win/lose outcome to arguments with me or any other person to feel satisfied;
Lack of empathy and lack of curiosity towards others in general.

Big list... Am I a hopeless case or what?

Also, butterflies are not a red flag, but would prompt me to question myself what it is in me that the person triggers. It could lead to interesting answers.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 10:37 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Topic Posts: 21