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Reconciliation
User Topic: Told my parents - amazing!
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

"Well, let's move forward then." This was the first thing my Dad said after saying absolutely NOTHING for the 10 minutes that (mostly) H and I talked about the A. Mom would interject here and there and say something like, "I noticed you two seem closer" and, "I am proud of you, LA" but Dad was quiet and was barely looking at me and never at H. Every now and then he would nod his head and I thought he teared up a little.

Then he spoke those words and I just wanted to cry with relief. We explained that info would be given if asked but both of them expressed that they don't need more then the bare bones here and now needed some time to process. I also asked for privacy in that I don't want to be anyone's coffee-time anecdote.

H expressed his remorse and apologized for deceiving them during A time. He finished by telling them of my strength and how blessed he is to have me in his life and he loved me deeply.

Dad asked if I had forgiveness in me. I said that I knew it was there but it still seems out of reach. So much for the Oprah show I attended on Forgivness! One day....

Finally, my parents hugged us both. Dad said, "You are both thoroughbreds. A jackass falls when he gets kicked. Thoroughbreds run faster."

We have been running fast!

Thank God for my parents.

And to you. I read all of you notes from my last post. Thank you for your vibes, thoughts, prayers - blakesteele, you even got your wife in on it. I love it!

Hugs to all of you. I think I will have a great sleep tonight and think of all the goodness that has come from such ugliness.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Yay! I'm soooooo glad things turned out well for you! And what a relief knowing that your niece (and sister) can't hold it over your head anymore.

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jan 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

What wonderful parents! What a great response on your dad's part. It sounds like they both were looking to take your lead which is exactly what you want.

Also - thanks for this:

I don't want to be anyone's coffee-time anecdote

Personally, I've told no one and am very happy with that decision, but this really, really sums up my feelings on it. Stealing for any future SI post about telling/not telling!


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I am so glad it went so well. :)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1726 | Registered: Nov 2010
torn2pieces
New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

What a great response from your parents. Happy for you and your husband.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Go right ahead RockyMtn!

When I first found out about a neighbour's A (long before my H's) and everyone was talking about as the kids were waiting for the bus, I said: I sure as hell wouldn't want to be anyone's anecdote at the bus stop."

Yes Musiclovingmom!

what a relief knowing that your niece (and sister) can't hold it over your head anymore.

The light has been shone on the problem, thus the power of it taken away. (credit: blakesteele)


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

When I first found out about a neighbour's A (long before my H's) and everyone was talking about as the kids were waiting for the bus, I said: I sure as hell wouldn't want to be anyone's anecdote at the bus stop."

Eggs-actly! Even people who mean well and don't gossip...in their heads, I'm their anecdote (or that's my fear if I told people). That's why being really clear - like you were with your parents - about what you need is so important.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:12 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I am SO very, very happy for you!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I'm so glad it went well. Sounds like you have some pretty amazing, supportive parents.

Posts: 33937 | Registered: Mar 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Glad to hear it, LA. Been thinking about you today.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16445 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Wonderful!!! May we all parent someday like your parents do today.

As my wife and I struggle through this she made the following comment after we had a conversation basically about how trials make us stronger and how we have a new respect for those older couples we know that have been married for decades more then we have...with a new understanding that they, too, probably had trials we know nothing about. We blindly assumed that they were soul mates and just had a great 40 year run. We NOW see that as highly idealistic and not realistic.


She said on the heals of that conversation....I just wonder if this new level of appreciation of how challenging life is, how our perspectives are changing isn't the process of US becoming THEM.

Meaning reaching a maturity level that enables us to move past the black and white, highly judgmental stage into the stage your parents apparently are at...that stage of more completeness, more understanding, a more realistic less idealistic stage.

Aaaahhhh! Probably too deep of a thought for this post...don't want to be a wet blanket.

This is a moment to be celebrated. thanks for letting us be a part of it.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:49 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Good for you LA.

And good job by your parents. As adults I think many times we forget that no matter how old we are our parents are still mom and dad. Just like when we were little they just want to be able to take the hurt and pain away and be supportive.

I am happy they were able to be that support to you and H during this time.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Wow - wonderful.

And is it any wonder folks like that raised a girl like you?? I think not.

Apples don't fall far from their trees - and those are some lovely trees


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3586 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Thanks for the update! That's awesome!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I am very happy that your parents were supportive of both you and your H. That is really good news. I can imagine how heartbreaking it was for them to hear this news because they love you so much and we (as parents) hurt when our children get hurt, no matter their age.

I am just so interested in how your niece will handle the realization that your parents now know. Will you be telling her that they know? As she has said

"forgivenss would not be given if we did not tell my parents"
will she be ready to forgive your H and move forward herself? I really dont' see why telling your parents would open the door to forgiveness for your H for her, but I sure hope it does.

That had to be so very hard for you and even moreso for your H. I am sure you were proud of your H for facing your parents on this.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9408 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Glad for you both that it went well. What a great family you have there. Thanks for updating us. Did you mention your niece and her out-of-bounds response? She lived with them, right? They must know her well and might know a good way to approach this subject with her now that it''s out in the open.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm very glad your parents stepped up. It must have been very tough for them to hear, but it sounds like they listened and heard.

I'm also glad that you no longer have your niece's threat hanging over you. Personally, I wouldn't dignify her threats by telling her your parents know unless she makes the threat again, but you now your sitch better than I do.

I gotta say, I hope neither my son nor DIL cheat!


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Amen sisoon...how painful it will be to KNOW the pain level my daughters would be in if this ever happened to them.

But how comforting to them will it be that I really get that pain...having been there, done that.

On the flip side...if one of my daughters ever has an A...my wife would be in a position to support and comfort her on that side of this as well.

I hope both of those thoughts stay like that....just thoughts.

This is a good post. Congratulations again LA44. I loved the comment about your parents being lovely trees and you are obviously the fruit of those lovely trees. Well stated!!!

It is posts like this that encourage me. It is one reason why I externalize as part of my way of processing...this helps me gain a bigger picture of things.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:39 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

What wonderful parents you have LA, and you definitely follow in their footsteps.

I have to admit I did a little fist pump for you, and the release of the burden you carried due to your niece. Although she thinks she's an adult (as we all did at that age) we all know she isn't. And when she looks back at this, later in life, she will realize she didn't know shit!

I pray, for you and your family, that she comes around. It is sad to lose family. BTDT.

Again, congrats.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Happy  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Good for you LA !!!

Happy things are going well and you are moving forward to a healthy and happy future.

Thanks for sharing your story.

((many hugs))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

That's AWESOME news and must be such a weight off your shoulders.

Hugs to you, hubby, and your wonderful parents!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6088 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

This is such a lovely post. I'm so glad your parents are so wonderful. Clearly, the apple did not fall far from the tree.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:51 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8339 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Greetings all! I am so appreciative of the genuine happiness you share for me and my H. I have read every post a couple times now and all of them are wonderful. Gotta love this one from s2s....
I have to admit I did a little fist pump for you,

Today was a little different for Dad. He has had some time to process and was more vocal. He drove my H to the airport at 5am and let him know that in life there is happiness and pleasure. While there is nothing wrong with pleasure, when it is at the expense of someone else it is just plain selfish. He told him he held him way above most others and he is disappointed. Dad is brief, genuine and says it without bitterness. That will stay with H for always.

And yes, Knowing I did mention this...

did you mention your niece and her out-of-bounds response? She lived with them, right? They must know her well and might know a good way to approach this subject with her now that it''s out in the open.

My N grew up here. If there is anyone who can speak to her, it is my Dad, her grandpa who has never dropped the ball with her. Next to her Mom, she trusts him. He said he will chose his words carefully and speak to her. I love my N. She is a good girl but she is confused, angry and as it turns out, FIVE (yes 5!) of her friends are going through this with their parents now. She is hearing a lot of noise and can't make sense of it. I will NOT be telling her that I told my parents. I am sure my sister already did but I didn't feel I owed her that phone call. And yes, SMS, I agree that her forgiving should not be based on us telling my parents but again, she is 17 and the world is all black and white.

blakesteele...

Meaning reaching a maturity level that enables us to move past the black and white, highly judgmental stage into the stage your parents apparently are at...that stage of more completeness, more understanding, a more realistic less idealistic stage.

Yes. For sure. I think our fam sitch was a solid example of how life experience AND if you chose to learn and grow from it brings one to a higher level. A new plateau. With my niece at 17 and my parents at 75 and all of us in between my parents handled it better then anyone. I know their experience brings wisdom and we certainly benefited from that last night. Certainly my H did and he could not be more grateful. He told me today that Mom hugged him again last night when they said goodbye.

Full of grace.

A very happy, LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 23