Just Found Out
User Topic: Horrified
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I can't even find the words. Fifteen years...three children...our home, our life, our everything.


Five days in and dying on the inside.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, July 18th (Thursday)


The early days are agony.

Be kind to yourself. Breathe. Drink plenty of fluids. Eat something if you can. If food isn't an option, try a smoothie with protein. If you do nothing else, take care of you. Remember the airline rules of "put your oxygen mask on you can help others". It applies in this case.

Success is one minute at a time...breathe. Breathe again. And again.

Impossible to believe right now but you will find your smile again. There will be happy days again.

Breathe. Breathe again. And again. Deep cleansing breaths.

((((kickboxer)))) I'm sorry you've joined the club noone wants to join. I can say, you're fortunate to have found this site. Nowhere else will you find as many genuine, caring, concerned and compassionate souls who have walked your path, and survived - thrived even.

You do not have to make any decisions today, or tomorrow, or the day after that.

Right now - just breathe. Breathe again. And again....deeep breaths.

I'm so sorry.

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Welcome to the place that you never wanted to be. We all know exactly what you are feeling, and "horrified" is a pretty good start on these feelings.
This is the absolute best place that you could be. You have many, many, people, that have dealt with just the pain that you are dealing with right now.

Take a breath. You need to try and accept that this has happened, and that you can survive it. The pain is the same for all of us, no matter the situation. It does not matter, how long you have been married, whether you have children, whether you thing that you husband is the love of your life, doesn't matter. The pain is the same and we have all been through it.

One of our posters said it best. " I never knew that there was this much pain in the world."

Keep posting and you will receive support, compassion, and the best advice you will ever get. So, so, sorry you have to be here, but you CAN get through this. Hugs and all the love I can send you. K

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 39755
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Dear Kickboxer,
Slow down babe. Honest. Shake yourself & cause yourself to slow down. You can do it. The early days are the worst. It is overwhelming. You think about everything at once. All may or may not be lost but it is altered. Lots & lots of people survive this. You will too. We are here for you. Please keep us posted!

Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 18th (Thursday)


You are not alone. We know how horrified and shattered you are. We know the physical pain of dying on the inside, like our heart has actually been cut out.

Please keep posting. Try to drink fluids, even if you can't eat. You probably can't sleep either...go to your doc and get sleep need to sleep.

Look at the upper left hand corner of your screen. See the yellow box? Open the Healing Library, and you will find articles to help you know what to expect of yourself, of your cheating significant other, stragegies, etc.

A cyber hug for you, kickboxer.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

hugs to you...i am so sorry you are here. i know this hurts deeply.

we are all here for you...every step of the way.

please post often...we are here for you.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 973 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
New Member
Member # 39860
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

[This message edited by 1969skidoo at 1:02 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

We've all been there - that blinding, agonizing, crushing, consuming pain. We wonder if we will ever NOT feel this anguish. It takes time, but each day that passes, it gets a tiny bit better. Cry. Weep. Let it out. Hugs to you...

BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry sucks but you've come to the right place. Keep.posting, the support here is amazing.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5125 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

First off I know where you are coming from. Read my signature line below. It says it all.

I am a veteran, have buried a parent after a terminal illness, nothing remotely compares to this.

I remember when I was a 19 year old paratrooper in a foreign land. I had my worst day. I had been shot at, I was physically exhausted, I was homesick beyond words, I was filthy and there was no immediate end in sight. I said to myself, this is the worst day of my life. It only gets better from here.

I had no idea. I would have gladly spent a month of those days over and over and over just to skip one of the days after D-day.

It will get better. I know it doesn't seem like it but it will. Take the advice above and just breathe. Go to the doc and get something to get you by for a couple of weeks. Trust me, it's worth it.

I am sorry for all of this I truly am. I remember thinking I wish someone would have told me that hurt like this even existed.

You are like gold being refined in the fire. The you that comes out on the other side of this is better....

Good luck.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 7:40 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 18th (Thursday)


We're here for you.

I echo the other posters: breathe, hydrate, nourish, and if you cannot sleep or are severely anxious or depressed, please call your doctor. This is not his or her first go-round at hearing something like this and you have nothing to be ashamed of. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG...never believe it was your fault.

Keep posting, hug your children...

Sending you strength & lots of cyber hugs,


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. and 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5072 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry. You WILL get through this. You WILL. and it WILL get better.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6803 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 18th (Thursday)


We are here and we care. It is a long road but YOU CAN MAKE IT. You can and will. I promise.

Post often and keep your head up.

Read all you can in the Healing Library and know that you are not alone.

Seek IC (individual counseling) and take care of you and your babies.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 18th (Thursday)


Your few short words in one sentence struck a chord with me (and many others I'm sure) and my heart went out to you.

We know. We know and we can help you through this.

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:19 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 713 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
New Member
Member # 39864
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I am in the same boat. Hurts like hell right now. You are not alone.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Lewisville
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday)


15 years for me too, 2 kids. I'm almost 6 weeks in. I'm so sorry to have to welcome you here.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Yes you are shattered. We know how you feel. You can get thru this. I remember praying every night that I would just die in my sleep so I could stop the hurt. There is nothing more painful. Its okay to feel this way. Its normal. You life is changed forever.

Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 18th (Thursday)


People here CARE and understand. Let it all out, hon.

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

(((kickboxer))) start reading in the Healing Library. Read the forums. Reach out to the good people on here for help.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

((((kickboxer))) I'm sorry you find yourself here. The shock is horrifying and numbing. I'm so glad you have found SI you will find so much support from those who have walked this journey. Come here to process the grief it helps so much.

Do not share SI with your WH it is your safe place to vent and find comfort.

Do you have someone IRL (in real life) that can support you as you make it through the first few weeks.

Don't let your WH tell you that this is your fault! There is nothing that justifies him having an affair. NOTHING! It is soul crushing and devastating that the person who is supposed to protect you and your family has instead betrayed the vows that were made between you.

I can tell you at a year out that it does get better. You will make it through. You will smile again.

Be gentle with yourself self care is essential. As others have said see your doctor for sleep meds. Allow yourself to take care of just the basic for your family.

Remember to breath! I promise it will be better I know it's hard to believe I doubted it when it began but life is better.

Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
New Member
Member # 39704
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 18th (Thursday)


We are right here with you. Hang in there.

HS Sweethearts
Married 17 years
D-Day June 6,2013
Verizon + Integrated Messaging = I am secretly reading EVERY text and picture she sends.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

We all understand feeling horrified. Feeling shattered. It's completely excruciating and debilitating. I'm so very, very sorry for your pain.

We are here for you when you are ready.

Hugs to you,

Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
New Member
Member # 36237
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

right there with you...

24 years, 3 kids, my world shattered beyond belief. Nothing will ever be the same.

Married 23 years
3 loved children
D-Day: July 2012

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Tears for understanding...

I thought I was crazy. Thank you for the reminders to nourish myself. I realized today that I hadn't had much, if anything, to eat or drink over the past 2 days...I thought something was wrong with me, and appreciate hearing that it's a normal response to grief/pain.

I tried to go to a kickboxing class today (hence my name). I drug my 3 babies in with me, but didn't have enough strength to get through the first 5 min, and had to drag them back to the car. That's when I realized that I hadn't hardly had anything to eat or drink.

What day is it, anyway? I can't seem to focus on anything, and completing a simple task feels insurmountable. I literally feel like there's a hole in the middle of my chest.

I'm exhausted. Thanks for the reminder to take something for sleep. He has Ambien, and doesn't seem to have an issue sleeping while I lay here weary and broken. #fuckyouforthis

OMG, can I cuss here? I don't cuss. But I want to scream every last bad word at the top of my lungs...and more.

I talked to her. I called her, because I put 2 and 2 together and figured out that our new TV he suddenly had the money to buy a few months ago was actually a Valentine's gift from her. #fuckingbitch


I destroyed the TV, btw.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 18th (Thursday)


You can cuss here, although there are a couple four lettered words that begin with c that are not allowed.

Cuss away, the situation warrants it.

You certainly are not crazy for being in so much pain. Infidelity is such a painful experience. It is actually still distressing after all these years to remember the pain I felt in the months after dday. It does get better, it really does.

Please be very gentle with yourself. Instead of a kickboxing class, perhaps a walk on a beach or in a park. Drink water. Eat some fruit. Take care.

Destroying get the tv - awesome.

When you are ready, we are here and will listen.

Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.

Posts: 1675 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, July 19th (Friday)

I remember laying on my bed, screaming almost silently into my pillow...soaking it with tears and snot...just exhausted with rage and sadness. Blinding pain...days going by as I dragged my body around. Eating nothing, eating too much...mindlessly. Developing twitches from anxiety...medication to handle being in the same room as him without screaming in hysteria. This wasn't my first rodeo with him but it was the deepest betrayal in a long stream of shit.
My point is...I *remember*'s a memory. Not the present any more although I still hurt. (((Hugs))) no matter what, this will fade.
Take care of you and kids. Make no important decisions right now and be as gentle with yourself as possible. Work out if it relieves pain but not if you aren't hydrated and properly nourished because you are going through extreme traumatic stress and while good for you, exercise is stress on your body too. You are on overload so dont do it if you aren't properly fueled.
Keep posting here and read the Healing Library. My heart goes out to you.

Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 19th (Friday)

I destroyed the TV, btw.

GOOD FOR YOU!! Dump the pieces on OW's porch.

I'm sorry - I'm angry and heartbroken for you. Your pain is so palpable.

More hugs...

Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. and 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5072 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 19th (Friday)

HUGE hugs to you. I'm six months out and will never forget those first few days. That feeling of WTF happened to my life?! The unimaginable pain that no one else (except for us) understand. It will get better. It takes time, but it will. Can you get yourself to your Dr? I eventually had to get on meds. I have two little ones and I couldn't function. The meds helped and I wish I had gotten them sooner.

Do you have family nearby? Or someone who can watch the kids? You need to take care of yourself and get some sleep and rest. I remember that EXACT feeling - you're sleeping after you did this to me and here I lie AWAKE? Really, YOU get to sleep!? I actually smacked him with a pillow one night!

Try to eat. If you can't eat (I couldn't) buy ensure or make smoothies with protein powder in them.

We're so sorry you found our little club, but rest assured all of us have felt the pain you're feeling and will be here to help you through it.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 19th (Friday)


I destroyed the TV, btw.

GOOD FOR YOU!! Dump the pieces on OW's porch.

THIS ^^^is a splendid idea!!!

The searing pain of discovery is mind boggling! Just know that the ache will begin to subside when you realize that you cannot change the past. And he cannot un-f*ck the donkey.

As you find out more of the puzzle of the hidden past where he lied and cheated, a sadness will creep in on you. You will grieve the relationship. Unfortunateley, this also is normal.

Just remember, you did not cause him to cheat. That is on him 100%. And that you cannot change him, that also is 100% on him.

Focus on what you can control, YOU.

Take care of you and your kiddos. Spend time with them and let them know that you love them. They are going to feel 'a disturbance in the Force' in the house.

Let their love for you soften the blow of the bomb that you WH and his slut threw into your family life.

The only way out of this hell is through it.

Mr. Happy's slumming in the gutter with his ho-worker brought me to my knees! I know...

I don't want to be a debbie-downer, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. We are all so sorry that you have to go through this.

I wish you peace and strength. Please guard your heart.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 11:45 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
New Member
Member # 39689
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 19th (Friday)

I'm so so sorry!!

Just wanted to say that I'm not a violent person whatsoever....however, breaking/throwing some stuff (that's important to him) has been hugely therapeutic! Good for you!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Asheville, NC
Heavy Sigh
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 19th (Friday)

It's a surreal experience to realize your life isn't what you thought. So sorry you have to be here.

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 19th (Friday)

OMG, can I cuss here? I don't cuss. But I want to scream every last bad word at the top of my lungs...and more.

This seems to be a common result of A's. I don't know how many times I've read of "ladies" talking like sailors. You'll get your lady mouth back, but it will take a long time.

The A takes us to a filthy place we never even knew existed, or if we knew it existed, we didn't want to ever be there. Our WSes dragged us there, without our even knowing where we were going.

It also happened to me. I never swore, didn't even say b-tt, or p-ss, said, bottom and know...after potty training 4 babies, I just kept using baby was more fitting of a mommy, and of a lady.

After getting over the initial shock of the A, I found myself cussing like a sailor.

Wow!!! it must have felt great smashing up OW's brand new TV!!!!! You go girl!!!


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
New Member
Member # 39704
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Kickboxer have you gained any insight from the integrated messaging? Do not reveal your hand. I regret revealing that resource. Continue to use it as long as possible to gain any type of information that will benefit you! And save the messages to a jump drive.

HS Sweethearts
Married 17 years
D-Day June 6,2013
Verizon + Integrated Messaging = I am secretly reading EVERY text and picture she sends.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I shattered all of our wedding crystal. It felt great!!!! He would be in the middle of talking to me, and I would raise one finger to get a moment of silence, and heatedly walk over to the crystal in our priceless treasures cabinet. And open the back door (we lived on the side of a mountain, with a ditch behind the house), and

Smash. Every. Fucking. Piece.

13 years of crystal. Because he smashed me. It was better than screaming at him in front of our two and four year old babies.

Made me feel better. I almost keyed his car, but I bought it for him.

All you have to do is survive. Nothing else.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 19th (Friday)

And I'm sorry it sucks :(

[This message edited by TXwifemom at 1:27 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Hugs to you kickboxer

You may not see it now but you have found a wonderful place for support. Some people only find us several months into their journey. Coming to SI so early is a GOOD thing.

I am sorry for your pain.

The fact you smashed OWs gift tells me you are going to be ok.

Life goes on after infidelity. And for many many of us..... It is a better life.

If you reconcile or divorce still remains to be seen.... But I promise you a long time from now life will be joyful and beautiful again.

In the meanwhile ... We are here for you.

[This message edited by timeforchange at 1:52 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Kickboxer, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also have three little ones and am facing a WH who wants to leave me for a "friend" after 10 years of marriage. It really does get easier.

Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

Thank you, my stranger friends. I cannot tell you how affirming your words of support and encouragement have been.

We've been completely engulfed in "hysterical bonding" over the past couple days. I can't seem to get enough of it...the entire thing doesn't seem to make a lick of sense, given his crime...but nothing else makes sense either, so I'm just going with it. He's taking care of my "hysterical needs" (which I don't think has been too much of a burden on him, btw). Beyond that, he's been making sure I have something to eat, keeping my water cup filled, and doing everything he can to help me sleep (which still doesn't come easy)...basically, I feel like he's trying his best to take care of me -- as he would if I had suffered any other trauma -- and his tenderness has gone a long way in helping me feel more "normal". Until our hysterical sex started 2 nights ago, we were both just sitting in a time warp of tears and heartache...and actually, that hasn't changed, but now I feel like we've connected again.

RE: The TV -- She doesn't live in our area, so I obliterated her $500 Valentine to my husband during the phone call I made to her. She's well aware that her gift to him has been destroyed.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

I really admire people with such creativity!!!

BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 758 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

HB is a wonderful gift from above...intense feelings of closeness to counter intense feelings of pain. To doesn't take the place of the truth and hard work of regaining trust and peace, but it sure validates the BS (and the WS.)

I don't want to ruin the moment, but if the A was a PA, you might want WH and yourself to be tested for STD's before you keep going with the HB.

Also, has he committed to NC with OW? He needs to do it, in a way that you know for sure it has been done. See the Healing Library for more about this.

I'm glad WH is helping you during these first days. Is he answering all your Q's to your satisfaction? If he is, you have a chance to heal quicker, unless you later realize that the A was a deal breaker. Only time will tell.

So glad you got the satisfaction of knowing OW heard you destroy her secret intrusion into your M...I mean her "gift."

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

She was a 7 month long-distance EA. (They were in boot camp together 20 years ago, and had a month long "thing". Reconnected on FB.)

Also: She's I'd love to let her BS know that she bought my husband such an extravagant expression of betrayal.

At any rate, from everything I've been reading, it looks like we're in a good place to save our marriage. Neither of us have a "handbook" for this stuff, but from what I can tell, I am encouraged by the way he's handled himself since being caught.

He's done everything possible to stop contact with her. From blocking her number, blocking FB, deleting his email account. He burned the old pictures and negatives he had of her from 20 years ago, and I can't find any evidence of her on his phone or his computer.

I think he's gotten rid of everything. **THINK** being an important word here -- because, at the end of the day, all of this shizz is the result of LIES.

It's going to take a REALLY long time before I will believe everything that comes out of his mouth.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Isn't what matters is whatever comes out of WS's mouth?

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:49 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Listen. Right now, you TAKE whatever you need to get through the next second, minute, hour, day. You''re entitled to it. Also, read all of the posts on this forum that have a bulls-eye next to them. Especially boundaries and consequences.

And frankly, her husband needs to know. Think of how shattered you are. Then think of him. He deserves to know the state of his marriage just as you do. You are not destroying him, punishing him, taking your revenge on him. You are compassionately, as a fellow traveler on the shit-road that you have been steered to, giving him the truth so that he can protect himself and his family.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

What Skan said. Also, telling her BH will help make it harder for them to start up again in secret. Two sets of eyes are better than one. Also, she may end up too busy trying to save her own marriage to think about messing with yours anymore.

I know how crazy making all this can be. I took up swearing as my new hobby, along with throwing things. At least your WH is showing remorse and seems to be doing the right things for you to recover. It will still take a long time but not as long or painful as continued lies. I had an alcoholic WH incapable of remorse or honesty. The lies and secrets have been the most damaging thing. Your WH needs to know the lies and secrets are more likely to destroy your M than the A. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" would be a very good book for you both to read.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Please do not tell your WH you are going to do this...but Immediately get ahold of her husband with any evidence (preferably your WH on a recording or something). You want her H watching them also. I was so afraid that her H would kick her to the curb and that my WH and OW would end up together so I didn't tell her H for a long time. I think he would have confronted her and she would have probably gotten counseling to stop her behavior permanently so that she doesn't do this to anyone else!

Instead, my WH and OW told her H I was crazy, and they started putting $$$ secretly away for a year. Now they are together and we are all divorced.

I could not think straight at first, but almost every single person on here says that telling the other betrayed spouse WITHOUT ANY WARNING is the best way to keep your WS from going back in the fog.

Honestly, at this time, anything you decide to do will be attributed to the trauma of it all.

I wish I would have told WS family, friends, boss, and the Husband of OW. All of these people love my family and would have been able to get thru to my WS.... I also wish I would have loaded up all of his clothes and dumped it on her front lawn when her husband was home!!!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2195 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Oh, I absolutely want to disclose whatever I can to her BS. But I don't even know his name...I know her name, her phone number, and what state she lives in. I know it might sound silly, but I have * NO IDEA * how to begin investigating to get any contact info for him. I can't access the Investigating forum here yet, in the meantime...I just keep Googling and ending up with the same info over and over again.

I can feel the rollercoaster starting. I can tell the wave we've been riding for the past 4 days is coming ashore, and there's going to be a bunch of washed up crap to deal with in the wake.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 39755
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

You are a wise woman Kickboxer. I'm glad there is progress & you are feeling a bit better.

Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Have they recently moved? Is it possible they got married in the county in which they currently reside? Public record.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2968 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Kickboxer....there is a lot of personal stuff on facebook...spouse's name, towns and etc. Use the white pages to research, if you know her name, you can find out lots of stuff with the state name. Does she work? There are so many ways to get what you want to know.....

Take care of yourself!!!

Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
Topic Posts: 49