User Topic: This is my new life
New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Hello, I'm brand new here but I feel like I belong here more than anywhere else in the world, at the moment.

I've been living a very hellacious life the last 2 months. I'm a 27/F and my husband is 26. We have one daughter, 17 months. My husband met a stripper (18) and decided she was everything he has been missing out on in life. We have been married 4 years, and together 8. Up until all of this, he was my best friend in the entire world and I trusted him with my deepest darkest secrets. Never in the a million years did I think he was capable of hurting me like this. Wow, was I sooooo wrong. In a matter of weeks, he had moved out, mostly quit visiting our daughter (who was once his whole world), started the process to file for divorce, quit helping me financially (but had no problem asking me for money) and went broke in the process.

I on the other hand, held our home together, paid all the bills by myself, went to work full-time, cared for our beautiful daughter and did my best to eat and sleep, though most days that didn't happen.

Stripper has a new boyfriend. He is young, and cute and her age. He came along, and she told my husband to hit the road. (A damn shame lol)

Now he's back home with us...lucky us....we are working on R, and he has taken the right steps and is saying the right things but I still feel so detached. I started the 180 process while he was gone. Guys, this is really hard. I want my marriage, and I want my family but I want my sanity too.

Here is the icing on the cake...3 weeks ago Stripper text him (since then he has blocked her number) and asked him for 50 bucks. He told me what she said and I told him to tell her that if she wanted $20, she could come to my driveway and get it from me....guess what! She did. She's that low. I got to say my peace and toss the $20 in her car. Low life.

I'm scared. Every minute of every day that I'm going to have to do this all again. Even though, in my heart, I know that I won't. Not again. I feel that if she would not have got a new boyfriend, he would still be in a relationship with her nasty ass. At times I'm pissed, other times I'm sad and feel depressed and totally alone. I also feel my daughter and I are too good for all of this and shouldn't have to pay the price for his stupidity. I just need someone to see my story and help me through the worst time in my life. Ever.

Edit: H and I are in counseling. He has so far been open and honest throughout. He has also been diagnosed as possible bipolar and there have been thoughts that this was a manic episode. He is currently on medication. I will admit he does seem to be much more like his old self before my world came crashing down...

[This message edited by WeepingWillow1 at 3:09 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear about your problems. What a horrible thing you're going through. For being so young, you've demonstrated tremendous strength of character - you should be proud.
This may not be what you want to hear, but I feel compelled to say it to you - you're young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. RUN. You have what it takes to take care of you and your child until a more stable, honest, loyal, and loving man swoops you up.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Hey there. I''m so sorry that you had the need to come find us, but I''m glad that you did, so that we can help support you.

Listen, Bipolar or not, doesn''t matter. He made the choice, the decision to go cheat. It wasn''t a mistake, the (possible) disease didn''t cause him to do that, he chose to act out in that manner. My FWH cheated while he was in the midst of clinical depression. He had other choices that he could have decided to make other than the one that he did, but he chose to have a ONS. His decision. And also, YOU didn''t cause this A. Nothing that you said or did caused it. It was his decision. Period. I''m glad that you''re in counciling, but don''t let any counciler tell you that this was a mistake or that the bipolar caused it. He could have chosen to take up painting to express his mania, build 1000 birdhouses, or any other of a number of things in his manic phase. But he chose to have an A with a stripper.

If you have not already done so, please look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. You may want to go to the Just Found Out forum and read any post with a bulls-eye on it. As a matter of fact, you may want to ask a moderator to move your post to that forum. You are going to find your anger at some point and language that you will be inspired to use about your WH and his AP are likely to be banned in this forum. But do read the articles are very helpful and are written by people who have been through what you are going through.

And I absolutely hate to bring this us, but it''s very important. If you have not already, you need to call your doctor and ask for a full STD/HIV panel to be done on you. He needs to do the same and you have to insist that you be shown the original results when they come back. You cannot, for your health''s sake, trust him if he tells you that 1) they always practiced safe sex and used a condom, and 2) that he had the tests done and they came back OK. Liars lie. They did not practice safe sex and you must see the test results yourself. This is a really horrible thing to have to tell you and I''m sorry. But each and every one of us has had to make that call as well. Trust me, your doctor''s office has heard it all. (((hugs)))

Please come back often for support.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4966 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

$20 bucks to chew out a stripper (more like a prostitute)? That's what I am talkin' about! You go girl! Sounds like it was worth every penny.
Ok, now I am being serious. This is really hard. You are a strong woman to suck it up, work, take care of EVERYTHING. I am glad you are able to express your feelings here. This is a scary thing and that's a word most people don't mention. It's scary to have your entire world turned upside down.
I understand what the 180 detaching is, but for me it isn't that cut and dry. I think you have to personalize what it looks like for you. The basic idea is there, now customize it.
So glad to hear you are in counseling, that should help.
I am sad that you have been betrayed and that you need to be here, but so glad you found it! SI has been a life line for me and I am sure you will find much needed support and advice.
Hang in there and don't forget to take care of yourself!

Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Member # 32890
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

So sorry for what you are suffering because of your H.I tend to agree with newday...mainly bc, he is back with you bc his stripper kicked him out...YOU will decide if you are in R, right now you are physically sharing a space. Don't rush it. Give yourself time to accept, and recover.You just found out ( 2 months is pretty new to most) and will endure a roller-coaster of emotions. I suggest that you concentrate on YOU and YOUR BABY. Start setting boundaries so that you can keep yourself emotionally stable. I suggest going to the JFO forum - good advice to those in your situation

"Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: North Carolina
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

So sorry you find yourself here.

I have the same advice as some others here.

If he is bipolar he will never ever get better. You will be on this ride for the rest of your life. He could become dangerous. It gets worse as they get older.

My late STBX wsa bipolar. He killed himself. If I had still been living with him I might have been killed too.

You are young. You have your life ahead of you. Do not waste it with this man. You will regret any more time you spend with him.

Get a lawyer and get yourself and your child out of this situation as soon as you can.

Good luck.

White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Dear Weeping -

I am so sorry you are here. A club none of us ever wanted to join.

You are not alone. We have all been through it. Unique circumstances but so many similarities too.

I hope you and your husband were tested for STD's. If not, you need to do so ASAP. A stripper (shudder)

Why in the hell did she feel justified in asking your husband for money? OMG - I can't believe it. I would haven't given her anything but the lashing you did.

Why does your husband feel like he was justified or allowed himself to cheat? What is he willing to do to make sure it never happens again?

Does he admit that he'd still be with her if she hadn't found another boyfriend?

You will find yourself on the rollercoaster from hell emotionally for some time. It is perfectly normal to feel 100 different emotions all within a 2 minute timeframe.

Define your boundaries and take back some of the power. Your husband's actions will speak volumes.

Tread lightly, go slowly and keep your guard up for some time. He has to earn your trust back.

Good luck and keep moving.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1224 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

So sorry you find yourself here.
I have the same advice as some others here.

If he is bipolar he will never ever get better. You will be on this ride for the rest of your life. He could become dangerous. It gets worse as they get older.

My late STBX wsa bipolar. He killed himself. If I had still been living with him I might have been killed too.

You are young. You have your life ahead of you. Do not waste it with this man. You will regret any more time you spend with him.

Get a lawyer and get yourself and your child out of this situation as soon as you can.

Good luck.

Oi there. I can see you've had a bad experience with a bipolar spouse but that's not the case with everyone. I have bipolar and I didn't cheat, or lie, and I'm not abusive to my spouse. I was diagnosed with a severe form and I manage it very well with medication, and am more together than many people I know. Don't tar all bipolar people with the same brush. It can be a very manageable condition (though I agree, it's no excuse).

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Thank you all for the replies and support. I wanted to let you all know that I have been tested. I had been on Amoxicillon, for a tooth, right before and may have treated something unintentionally. Doctor couldn't say for sure for gave me an rx to finish in case.

Things he has done to help with the R. Blocked her number and changed phones so imessaging was not an option. I have full access anytime. Tons of open talks and questions answered. He gave me her number. I know where lives now. A milluon sorrys (though they don't mean much long term right now) and just time.

We aren't fighting but we never have been much for fighting. He has offered to move anywhere I want. I'm not sure about that, at the moment. I have asked him if he misses her or wishes things worked out and he always laughs at that and says that not in a million years would be want that lifestyle.

Still not convinced. Daughter is great. :) I'm able to breathe a little. I'm going to be okay, right? Guard still way up.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

He also went and got a tattoo, on his ribs, with our wedding date and coordibates to v the church where we said "I do". Very sweet gesture, but yeah... doesn't erase my memory.

I don't want to run. I want to work on this. I don't want my daughter every other weekend and some holidays. I want my whole family, damn it. This fucking sucks!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10