SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Finding out about old stuff well into R
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Here is a general question about solid R.
Not a hypothetical, but trying to not be so detailed it is unrelatable.
Say....
You find old stuff from when they were in EMA years ago. Stuff you didn't know.
Not too far off from what you already knew, but still...a picture or letter that is new to you. Do you lose it all over again on FWS or do you chalk it up under the big umbrella of stuff you
were supposed to forgive??

*** brief background. H gave me full access to this phone long ago and has most likely forgotten it's even around.
I got a SIM Card reader because
MOW recently contacted him...blah.
blah blah. and I am a sucker for
punishment. I had to go back and remind myself her 'fishing' AGAIN is never going to be okay. My signature line pretty much sums it up.

I will ask my IC/MC but really could use actual "been there done that" experiences.

*edited: hit update before post was complete.

[This message edited by Runninggirl at 4:46 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

For the last year I get these moments where I have to go back and look at the old phone records, old texts and punish myself once again and feel the hard core pain. Sometimes I find something new (not major discovery) sometimes I don't. What ends up happening is that I go back to the pain & suffering and interrupt the progress of R. It's like self sabotage I guess?

If he excluded some significant detail, I think it's important. But 3 kisses instead of 5 is no biggy. Although I'd confront him and say "I found this out, don't ever lie to me again...EVER!".


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Thank you. Btw 2Married, Your user name is AWESOME


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm not following what happened with your WH exactly. Did he break NC? If that's the case, then any details are going to bother you a LOT more than someone who is simply discovering, for lack of a better word, minutiae that hadn't been discussed for one reason or another. If he's been in touch with OW - then all sorts of things you discover are going to feel painful because he sent you backwards a whole lotta steps.

Do you lose it all over again on FWS or do you chalk it up under the big umbrella of stuff you
were supposed to forgive??

It really depends on how I am feeling and less on the detail. If I'm in a strong frame of mind, feeling healthy, then it would fall under the umbrella, I guess. If I'm feeling under the weather or upset or sad, then it would trigger me like hell.

Basically, I reserve the right to lose my shit if I feel like it or be cool as a cucumber. that's the deal. I try not to be overly disrespectful to WH, but I will vent the truth.

But - I don't often go digging for stuff anymore. Haven't in months. I'm over it. Boring, and a happiness suck.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 4