SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Last Night We Cried ... Together
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Every since my ďDDay2Ē, https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid499569, I have been struggling hard with being able to trust anything my FWH said. On the cold/hot rollercoaster, one day feeling very connected and close, the next day numb and distrustful. We had a breakthrough moment at our last couples meeting https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid501197 that helped draw us together. And I realized that I just simply could not, could not, face another year of living in limbo. Deciding if I was coming or going, trusting or un-trusting, staying or separating. I just could not do that again.

And it threw me, us, into cycles of depression. More cycles of up and down and never seeming to get THROUGH to each other. Fear in both of our eyes. Anguish in both of our eyes. Unspoken touches, downcast eyes, waiting for the next dam to break. It just had to stop.

I thought long and hard, and decided last night that I would have a talk with FWH. That I would offer him amnesty if he would take the time from then until Friday evening, to bring forth anything at all that he could possibly have not told me. That if he would lay it all out for me on Friday, I would absorb it, deal with it, and we would both move on. That I could commit to believing him when he said that there was nothing else that was there to disclose. Further, that I forgave him for lying to me. That I could no longer hold the hurt and the anger that it had to go. I thought that he would be relieved that I had found a way that we could move on from this impasse.

And he said nothing. Just looked at me. I waited. Nothing. And I thought, I have made one hell of a mistake here. Donít you have anything to say to me, I asked? He said, now I wish that I had taken up ICís offer to see me sometime this week. I need to talk to him first.

I went from concern to full-blown, red-eyed rage in about .002 seconds. I had offered him the gift of R and he had, in my eyes, rejected it. I expected a thank you, quite frankly. What I got was an IDK if I want this or not.

We had a rather headed discussion at this point. Mostly heated on my side and long-drawn out pauses on his side. He told me how much he felt like no matter what he did, it wasnít enough, no matter how much he tried, there was always something that he messed up, that he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he was afraid that I had already left him mentally, and that he didnít know if I would ever acknowledge that he was trying and was human and fallible. And as angry as I was, when I looked at him as he was talking, I had a deep and clear voice in my head that said, you need to talk. This is real. This is important. You need to pursue this.

So I sat down beside him, held his hand, and tried to explain again, that yes, I had seen real improvement and these were the specific areas. And that gave me hope because he wasnít going back to self-destructive previous behaviors. And that I had been so happy with him and so relieved that he was doing X-specific things that I was letting down my guard and relaxing my vigilance. But because during this entire time that I was doing so, he had been lying to me right in front of my face. That the entire time that he had done all of this good work, he had also lied to me, undetectably by me. And that because he had so successfully lied to me while looking me in the face with eyes of love and pain, just as he was doing right this second, that I could not, for my souls sake, for my mental health, believe his words entirely. That I was split to my very core with wanting to be safe and prudent, and wanting with all else in my being to believe him and to be able to adore him as the husband that I had loved and adored for so many years. That I was desperately searching for a way to believe again. And his entire face changed.

He looked at me with utter astonishment and said, so, this isnít about the porn? This is about lying? This is about your inability to believe me because of my lie, and not because I hid porn from you. YES, I said! Itís the ability to successfully LIE to me that has me conflicted.

He never put that together. In his mind, it was all about the porn, my reactions to it, and his inability to articulate what it meant to him. When he actually ďgotĒ that my anguish wasnít about the printed material but that he could lie to me and sustain a lie while trying to be trustworthy, I almost literally heard a THUNK come from his head. And he got it. And understood.

And we talked for over an hour afterwards. He opened up to me like he has never before. We talked about life issues, what symbology was behind that box of stuff, the fact that it was his feelings of fear of being abandoned and left behind, and not the stuff because you could get more of that stuff anywhere. How deep his fears were. How deep mine were. Our different ways of coping and how those different ways set up such an intermeshed tangle of unhealthiness between the two of us. We sat on the couch, holding hands, and talking, really talking, like weíve never talked in 21 years. Exposing dark and abscessing wounds to the light and if not healing them, for that will take time, acknowledging that we needed to come back and nurture them.

I may have my beloved husband back. I pray God that itís so, but I may, just may, have had my dearest friend, walk towards me in sunlight vice shadow. Itís a new, early day but today, I dare to hope.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4677 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

((Skan))

Itís a new, early day but today, I dare to hope.

I hope for you...
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2218 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Oh, Skan, what a moving message! I wish you and your FWH well. I, too, hope that you have turned a corner.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 381 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, July 19th (Friday)

This was wonderful Skan.

One thing I remember, so clearly, were my moments of hope.

The little lightbulb moments that tell your gut that your husband (or wife) that you knew, loved and trusted is still in there.

They may be down deep, there could be lots of digging ahead, but that's alright. Hard work never hurt anyone and the best self - evaluation and healing comes after these awakening moments.

My husband had a few of them and they came at times I needed them. I worried and questioned who he had become, and sadly, so did he. He lost his way as sure as I lost sight of him.

The moments like this fueled my fire and let me know there was still a hope that he would find his way back.

Hang onto this for times that are tough and hang on, if he has gotten it there will be more to come.

(((hugs))) and continued happy moments....they make R doable and bring back faith one step at a time.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:31 AM, July 19th (Friday)]


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3789 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Thank you for the hope.

I have tried to express this so many times. It is not about the being human and fallible and making mistakes. It is all about secrets and lies. I still have not heard that "THUNK". Maybe it is just sinking in slowly.

I am happy for you that he got it.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, July 19th (Friday)

...and crying together is a bonding and healing experience. Thanks for sharing, and I hope your H stays honest, and the fact that he figured it out himself(!) makes it very likely he will stay honest, IMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:44 AM, July 19th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9918 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 6