User Topic: Is love going to be enough?
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

We are 5 months out from dday. WS had 3 month affair. We are both in IC now. I love him so much, even after what he did. And I know he is remorseful and loves me too. I can't imagine us not fixing this. Will our love be enough to get us through the roller coaster that is ahead of us? I hope so. I really don't want to lose him.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

As long as you both keep putting in the work and you two will be able to pull through.

[This message edited by Schilling at 8:21 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Short answer? No. Love is not enough. Love is never enough. It can be a lot, it can be a reason, but it''s not enough.

People are murder in the name of love every year. People are beaten in the name of love every week. People are assaulted in the name of love every day.

Actions speak louder than words. Do the work. Do it every day. Hold him to it. And hold each other. Love isn''t enough, but it can make the difference.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Certainly love is very important, but equally valuable are honesty, willingness, patience, courage, empathy, hope, trust, sharing and caring.

You mention you''re in IC, will you also do MC in the near future? It can help to learn the communication skills that will help repair your M.

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, July 19th (Friday) is never enough...never...not in a healthy m. a healthy m is built on trust, honor, respect, commitment, strength, bitchboots and balls. the love is the pretty bow on top.
i loved my h the entire m, with all my heart...and it wasnt enough to stop him from tearing my heart to shreds by cheating. and i am sure he loved me too...even during his cheating.
to save a m, blown to bits by cheating, it is going to take way more than will take the hard work....owning his bad decisions, no rugsweeping, or blameshifting, handling your triggers with compassion, support and no defensiveness, ic, mc....and strength to keep moving forward, when the pain is so unbearable, you just want to d.

i would consider shelving the love right just isnt enough to save the m.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 979 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, July 19th (Friday)

4 months after my DD I was still not getting the full at MY 5 month mark I was finally starting to digest and process everything.

I mention this just to encourage you from thinking too hard about the future at this time.

Love is important. Love is an action...a verb....NOT an emotion.

IMO, it is shallow to view love as an you show when you are feeling good with someone (like our WS did with their AP)...that is childsplay. It is deeper to view love in its pure an action. Jesus died for us...even though we mocked, ridiculed, and murdered him... He stayed true to himself and true to his love for us. He never lashed out in anger, never called us stupid, never said things like How could you do this to me? He was not a doormat...he was a door man...opening the door to something far better then we deserve or can imagine. (I wrestled with the doormat thing as I wondered what my role in R looked like...the true to self thing stopped that doormat notion in its tracks).

So if you and your husband are committed to showing true love...staying true to yourselves while finding ways to care for each other you will make it through this. If only you choose this will be fine regardless of his actions. By staying true to yourself you will set firm boundaries...if he crosses those boundaries (ie he commits adultery) YOU have not failed...he has chosen to not love you.

If my wife chooses to have another A...that will hurt me...but it will not destroy me because I NOW realize what being true to myself while showing love to another looks like...starting to really understand what is meant by the common theme of....

The singular act that is your WS affair is not about affects you...but it is not a reflection of you.

This does NOT mean fake it until you make it.

When you are angry the action of love is to NOT say and do mean things. Sometimes the action of love is to simply not do more harm.

For me...this is a very new way to view love....but I was pretty ignorant about the definition of love pre-A.

Done a lot of work in this area...driven by what our vows really meant and mean.

Hope this helps.

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:20 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Love is a good start. The strength to both be 100% committed to R could come from that love.

That is what is really needed is commitment. 100% committed to honesty, to transparency, perseverance, to empathy, to carrying the weight when the other just can't, to prioritising each other, to dig deep into yourselves, whatever it takes.

The rollercoaster takes its toll. so many ups and so many downs. For us love was what pushed us to keep moving forward. But it took so much more than love to actually move forward.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2629 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 19th (Friday)

I should add that love is not a SINGULAR has many actions to it.

The book The 5 Love Languages speak to this fact...that there are many ways to show love through our actions.

Chico is so very correct on the 100% committed thing. If you and your husband can honestly get to that point...and understand and embrace that the other person is also at that point...this will work.

10 months out here...and I can say I am 100% committed...but I dont feel that my wife is 100% committed...and I think she has some reservations about my committment level too....we are working to firm this up....working on doing things that confirm our 100% committment in each others minds.

Make sense?

But, per my own professed wisdom, I dont NEED to feel her 100% committment to choose to love her. And I do choose to love her...always have...but I am moving towards a more pure form of love...very much unconditional.

I wont lie to is tough at times...because of the pain involved with her A....but it is getting easier. Made much easier by the honesty we are trying to develop between us. I, too, held back from radical honesty...sigh. We are all imperfect, all broken in some way.

A healthy marriage is two whole but broken people coming together and choosing to love each other....realizing that the relationship can never be perfect...and forging forward, together inspite of that knowledge...with the singular combined goal of improving but not reaching perfection. Kind of a bastardized version of stuff I have been not my own thought...just a combination of things.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:35 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, July 19th (Friday)

I think that the point has been well made. Actions, not words, no matter how affirming is the solution. Love is just the beginning.

t/j Blake, money changers/temple. Didn't Jesus also demonstrate that righteous anger is ok too? (don't want to delve too far and cross the no religion threshold. Mods, sorry in advance if I have done so.) t/j


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2986 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 19th (Friday)

5454real...excellent point.

I had a lengthy response..but am not sure about the religous I cut it out. I will post it where it is appropriate.

Thank you for your nudging.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:09 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 19th (Friday)

I think that one of the biggest things I've learned from all of this is that love is NOT enough. WH says he never stopped loving me. So, clearly it wasn't enough.

On the other hand, there wouldn't be much point in struggling to fix this if you didn't love each other. So, it's very, very important and a good starting place.

A good relationship takes work, and skills, and commitment, and lots of other things that don't just happen.

It is wonderful that you love each other. Some people never really get to feel that in their whole lives. It is precious and worth fighting for. But don't count on it to get you through.

As far as the roller coaster goes, the fact that WH loves me doesn't help very much. As I said, he loved me then too. What helps is when I see how hard he is working on himself and us and especially when I see application of what he's learned.

Keep up the work and i bet you guys will make it.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. It's given me a lot to think about. We are both doing IC for a while before they will pair us up for MC. I think it's a good idea. There are things I need to say and work through that I wouldn't be comfortable doing with him there. I know we have a lot of work ahead of us, and I think both of us are commited to it. Just wish this reconciliation stuff came with an easy button!

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 12