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User Topic: she came over again!!
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

For those of you who have read any of my previous posts, I had written about a co-worker of my BH whom I do not like or trust...one who has a history of having A's with married men. The last time I posted about her I was upset because my BH had had her over for dinner in our home.

So I got a call from my BH tonight....he was getting ready to have a few friends over for dinner and then they were going to go jogging. The friends were all coworkers..2 men and 2 women, one who is the one I previously mentioned.

He told me he didn't want to hide it from me and was telling me himself so I didn't hear about it from anyone else. He then said he didn't mean to invite her, but didn't want to be rude and tell her she couldn't come.

We spoke about it the last time she was over....I explained to him why I was upset and he apologized and said he could understand why I was upset...so why would he go and do it again?

I am angry that he had her over to our house again even though he knows how I feel about it. I thought things have been getting better between us lately and was finally starting to feel optimistic about things working out....


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Red flag- why is it more important to him to not hurt her feelings than to honor a boundary that you asked for? Not trying to stir the pot, but that really doesn't sit right.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

I couldn't agree with you more....hence my frustration!!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

What does your gut tell you? Is he on the slippery slope? What would it mean for you if he is?


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

My gut tells me that it's probably innocent and she is just a friend....but it's possible he is doing it on purpose to get me angry and to get revenge on me for what I did to him.

I have never really been worried about him cheating on me before...there was a time that one of my "friends" tried to make me think he was, but I never believed it. But I also never thought I would cheat on him...


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

So what are you going to do if (when?) it happens again?


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Remember, Alyssa: you can't control HIS actions, only YOURS.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Alyssa you are allowed to have boundaries in all this. What are your consequences if he crosses your boundaries. What are you going to do for you? FWIW I don't like it. He meets her randomly in the city and shares those pics on FB, has her over for dinner and despite knowing how you feel has her over again because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. None of it sounds good.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, July 19th (Friday)

I believe FOM and boundaries need to be a two way street. Both partners need to be fully committed to making each other feel safe.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2580 | Registered: Aug 2012
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, July 19th (Friday)

I think it's time for you to make plans to move back home.

He doesn't get to call all the shots. You left your home and your kids and he's keeping you in limbo. Shit or get off the pot time does not only come for WSs. It's time to enforce your own boundaries and do what you need to do for you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37561 | Registered: Sep 2007
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Alyssa,

While you have every right to enforce your boundaries, you do realize how absolutely insane it seems to your BH that you are angry about him seeing another woman while EVERY DAY you see your affair partner? Pardon me, every work day.

If you really decide to follow AuthenticNow's advice, realize that it will likely not go well.

You get your cake. He has to tow the line. That seems like a winning combination for R.

Obviously, your mileage may vary, but I doubt it...


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Long road,
I don't know what I will do if it happens again...I have told him how I feel and would prefer he not spend time with her outside of work...I am hoping he will respect that.

Unagie,
I agree with you..it is very suspicious and I don't think as innocent as he wants me to think. I do think he is doing it just to make me mad, I don't think it's really an A.

I haven't thought of what my boundaries are.

Really screwed up,
I still see AP at work....but it's only every so often and we rarely even make eye contact...if I do talk to him it's about his son....nothing else. This is a woman that he knows I don't like and don't trust, a woman who has had multiple A's with married men, and he has had her at our home twice now.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Authentic now,

I would love to go back home....everyday that goes by that I am still at my parents house rather than with my.family breaks my heart.

But I can't push my way back into our home if he doesn't want me there. I feel like that would hurt R more than anything else.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 19th (Friday)

if I do talk to him it's about his son....nothing else
Umm...why are you talking to him about anything at all? Hello? Work related only. Better yet, new job.

You have a problem with a known cheater in your home with your heartbroken husband. Ok, I get that. However, you're still talking to your AP about his son at work. What's with the double standard?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6221 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Aubrie
I guess I should have been more specific....talking to the AP about his sons day is work related....I am his sons teacher


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 19th (Friday)

if I do talk to him it's about his son

Do you suppose that some genuine NC may be the next step to take? I am in no way supporting your H hanging out with another woman, but I can see why his instinct is to detach if you're giving him no indication that you will give up the om and fight for your H.

Here's what I would do...ymmv. Quit the job and find another (difficult but not impossible and IMO, necessary,) send a NC letter and establish an absolute fuck off boundary with om, and get too work on you. Let your H see that you're making yourself safe so he can decide what to do next.

I think if you start to do the real work this other woman may just disappear from his life. If not, at least you're working on you and you can't do anything to change how he feels

Again, JMHO. YMMV. Some assembly required, batteries not included. If I had the right answer to everything, I wouldn't be here in the first place.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 19th (Friday)

The only contact I have right now with OM is when I see him at work and he drops off/picks up. If possible I don't talk to him at all...but if I am the only teacher in the room it is unavoidable and then the only conversation we have is professional. BH doesn't want me to find a new job.

Other than at work the OM and I are NC....I have deactivated my fb account and we no longer text or email.

BH and I are working on R. We both have been in IC and have just started MC.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 19th (Friday)

But I can't push my way back into our home if he doesn't want me there. I feel like that would hurt R more than anything else.

You're not in R. You post and get consistent advice which you do not take.

Move home. I'm assuming your name is on the lease. If not get thee to a lawyer and set up custody. 

Quit your job and move your daughter to another preschool or work with her at home and have play dates with other children.

Find a part time job, or full time if you can. 

Work on yourself. 

Your husbands choices are not healthy. Neither are yours. I would not spend one minute away from my child. She should be your number on focus right now. That and your work. 

Nothing will change if you don't change. MC and IC while he's having "friends" over and you're working with OM is not a recipe for success. Doctors go to football games too. Doesn't help the team win. You two are doing your own things that are not working toward healthy safe relationship.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:29 AM, July 19th (Friday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 19th (Friday)

The only contact I have right now with OM is when I see him at work and he drops off/picks up.

That is too much. NC means NC.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I'm sorry OP but the two can't mutually exist.

You had an affair with somebody. Shared intimacy and a connection with somebody. As much as you can tell yourself all conversations are strictly professional, sometimes it's not what is said, but the way it is said, the looks between you, the body language.. mind you this is what your husband has to deal with everyday, not only the mind movies of the affair but if you're interacting with your AP, how you are interacting.

Maybe he doesn't want you to find another job because he really shouldn't have to tell you to sever the only link you have with AP. While you worry about another woman coming to your house every now and then, he might be worrying about the brief contact you have with your ex AP.

To be clear, him inviting the woman over is a red flag. But for you NC should be NC. Not half NC.


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2013
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Can she push her way in the home if her BS doesn't want her there?

Maybe, legally. But would it help them reconcile?

I can see your point about wondering if it would help to move back in, Alyssamd24, having read a BS's post here whose situation is similar (his ex wants to move home and he doesn't want her to), except that he is divorced already, which gives him a legal right to say no.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Can she push her way in the home if her BS doesn't want her there?

Reconciling, I would think would be secondary to access to my daughter. No one would keep me from parenting her in person. I know that may be a goal but my priority would be as her mom. That's me. I know every situation is different.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I agree with uncertainone. I moved out of the marital home after D-day but I guarantee that if we'd had children, shit would have gone down a lot differently.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2129 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

AlyssaMD,

BS here. A while back I posted to one of your threads and suggested you look for another job and see if you can at least get an interview set up and then tell your BS and see his response. One of the things that has always been a problem in my M was that I would have to force my WH to make the right decisions. For example, he has a guys weekend, we're beyond busy, it's not appropriate, it's bad timing, etc, etc. He's going to do it no matter what unless I throw a hissy fit. And that's because it's what he wanted to do regardless that deep down he knew it was screwing me over. BUT since I didn't have a screaming fit saying NO, you can't go - he's going to do it anyway. Any third person who knows us would be puzzled by his decisions in an "isn't it obvious he shouldn't do that?" attitude. So everyone under the sun would know he was being selfish, but since I didn't throw a tantrum he did it anyway. It's called being incredibly self centered.

I finally gave up. I had a f*ck it attitude because I was sick of telling him right from wrong. Sick and tired of parenting a grown man.

In your case, your BS saying "No don't leave your job" is what you want to hear and easy on you. But is it the *right* decision for your family and what you want your end result to be? He may actually want you to stay. But it's also more probable that he is dying for you to come home and tell him you found another job. Show him that YOU are going to step up, fix this, and take the responsibility off of his shoulders. Otherwise he'll be forcing you to do that. And typically us BS have been doing enough parenting to our spouses throughout the M that after we find out about the A - we're sort of sick of that role. Especially given how it turned out for us.

The advice everyone here has given is being repeated over and over: You need to leave that job. Is your free daycare and your daughter having friends she will never remember in three years worth more than her having a family that is stable and together? Please, re-evaluate this. OR, if you won't give the job up then you need to pull the plug, file for Divorce, and get joint custody so you are spending the proper amount of time with your daughter. The way you're living isn't healthy for anyone, including you.
Good Luck and please re-read all of your posts so you can see the common theme of advice from the members here....


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Be careful here. I agree she should find a new job but speaking from personal experience, I quit with the guarantee that I could still pay my half of the finances and my SO was pissed because he didn't want me to quit. I was really close to a promotion to management. We had a huge fight as he saw this as me being selfish and going against his wishes and doing what I wanted again. So by all means find another job but don't expect an immediate positive reaction.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Oct 2012
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Sounds to me like a bit of passive aggressive behavior on his part.

That is not conducive to a successful reconcilitation.

Edited to fix spelling mistakes. Jeesh!

[This message edited by clralb at 6:05 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Unagie,
Just to clarify, my advice has been for her to look for a new job, at least get to an interview, and tell him that's what she's looking into. Not take a new job and tell him. If she tells him she's interviewing it could be met with a yay! Or Noooooo. But at least he'll have a tangible choice and see she's willing to sacrifice for the marriage.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

That's true cliffside, my only advice was to not expect immediate acceptance with that choice when he has stated his position on it. And yes passive aggressive has been an apt description but I just wanted to relay my experience in a similar situation.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 28