Wayward Side
User Topic: Does Separation work?
New Member
Member # 39832
Stop  Posted: 9:29 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I hate seeing my BS suffer through all the pain I caused and wonder if separating will help?

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 19th (Friday)

IMHO, I think separation usually leads to divorce. I think it's hard to work on a relationship/marriage when you are not together.

I think it would magnify existing trust issues from the A. I think it would hinder communication. I think it would lead to decreased motivation from both sides to continue to try to make it work. I don't believe in the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I believe it makes the heart more forgetful.

But that's all just my opinion. I'm sure there are a lot of different experiences out there.

Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Who is asking for the separation? I am not sure I am reading your post correctly.

Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D

Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 19th (Friday)

It has worked for some and not for others. If it is you (the WS) asking for it, then I would say it isn't a good idea. If it is your BS, then proceed as your BS would prefer.

In my situation, if we would have S, we would have D. I would not have pulled my head out of my ass in time to save anything.

WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

Ace, what I see in your posts is a person in turmoil. You and your BS are in a situation many SI'ers can relate to--something like hell on earth. The early days and weeks are a whirlwind. There are no quick fixes.

Do you want to R? Does she? Have you both gone totally NC with your APs? Is all the hard truth "out" now? TT'ing for weeks or months is, unfortunately, common--and I bet all of us (remorseful, reconciling waywards) wish we hadn't TT'd ever.

If you want to R and she asks you to move out, IMO you should beg to stay, tell her you want to stay and work things out. Offer to move to a spare bedroom or the basement. Ultimately, honor her wishes, but don't make the mistake of giving up too easily, either.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Topic Posts: 5