SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Family Date Night
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

Yeah, it's as exciting as it sounds. All the grown-ups in my family got together for date night. Parents, S and BIL, B and GF, and me. (QS worked crazy late) I was the odd one out. That doesn't feel weird at all...

At dinner, I was halfway thru my pasta when it hit me like a ton of bricks. If QS had left, this would be my life. Alone and feeling kind of lost. I would be the odd one out at every function. Cue mini panic attack for 1 please.

We hit up an outdoor event after dinner. I was bored out of my mind but hey, whatever. Tried to make the best of it.

All evening I kept noticing little comments. They weren't at but they were about me. "Special", "spazzy", even a name that referenced a mentally disabled person in a movie we've all watched. Like...what? Can you be anymore disrespectful!?

Someone would say, "Oh, did you hear about XYZ?" and would start a conversation with me. After the 4th or 5th time, I caught on. They would start a conversation and they'd all sit back and watch my reaction.

I'm very expressive. Probably the most expressive in my entire family. But does that make me a carnival show? They were deliberately starting wild conversations to see how I would react and what I would say. And I didn't catch on till well into the evening. I feel stupid for letting my guard down. I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner.

I came home and all I could think was, "What is wrong with me?" Do they say these things all the time and I just don't hear it because I'm busy with QS and the kids? Was I a target last night because I was alone?

Then I think of all the crazy that has involved my family and remind myself that I'm trying to get healthy, be better, and gain control over myself and my actions. But then I turn around and think, maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe QS and I are the crazy ones. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I shouldn't be out in social settings. But then, that can't be right either because I have never, ever been approached by anyone saying I'm a problem, I need to vacate the premises, and please never return. Never had an officer or security tell me I was out of place. So that can't be it either right?

I'm already a little emotional and I'm struggling to look at this objectively. Dunno. Just wanna disappear today.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6220 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

Your own family was doing that to you? That sucks.

Can you miss the next family date night if QS can't go?

(((aubrie)))


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

Yeah, no more family stuff without QS. I would have left last night if I hadn't car pooled. Won't make that mistake ever again.

The mentally disabled thing really pissed me off. When they said it, I was in such shock I couldn't even gather the words to rebuke them. How dare they mock individuals with disabilities or differences. They are still people, with feelings, with wonderful things to offer to the world. They aren't a parasite or disease. They're people.

I've been going over the evening all night and this morning trying to figure out what I did wrong.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:51 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6220 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

(((Aubrie)))

How horrible for you. What a way to treat a family member, and those comments make me think that THEY are the ones with the problem, not you.

It also sounds like the bully mentality. Let's pick on Aubrie because QS isn't here. How sad.

Be proud of you and all the work you are doing to be healthy.

My sister and I aren't talking because I took steps to get healthy and real in my relationships and she couldn't get there. I got tired of her crap so I told her how it was and now we don't talk. I'm sad about it but I had to speak my truth. Sometimes the sadness of, "Wow, I have a sister and we don't even have a relationship...my only sister," really gets to me, but I couldn't stay quiet or stay in that unhealthy relationship anymore.

Stick with it, Aubrie. Keep being the true you and you can't go wrong.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:59 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37548 | Registered: Sep 2007
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

you didn't do anything wrong. they did. they picked on you. and that's the sad thing about the person being singled out and picked on, they think they did something wrong or brought it on themselves.

you didn't. you were treated poorly by your family. i'm sorry.

i wouldn't go next time. or the next. if someone asks why? tell them you didn't enjoy the last one you went to. they will remember. then they'll say, "awee.. but we all love you Aubrie... don't get your feelings hurt."


But that's bullshit.

from what I've read, you're a very open, kind, caring person who tries to help other people that are in this mess we're all in.

and you and QS have a beautiful family. stick with THAT family.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

BR's family can be like that. They are different to her and our kids depending on whether I'm around or not.

As you change and get stronger, their behavior towards you will change. They might fight you for a while, or they might see that you're not going to put up with their shit anymore. That's on them.

It's on you to keep working on yourself and keep getting stronger. You're getting there. Keep it up


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37123 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

(((aubrie)))

I've met you and QS twice now and you two aren't crazy. Live and learn. I like lots of the advice that you've been given already so give those words much thought.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52118 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

Disfunctional families thrive on the sttus quo. Everyone has their twisted role and it keeps the whole unbalanced lot comfy.

Let 1 person step out of their role, and the others are going to get pretty uncomfortable. And since this is all they know, YOUR changes are the problem, not the whole f-ed up system.

So they will pressure you for the old you, for you to fill your role in this fiasco of a family.

Both H and I have experienced this in spades since we began IC and MC, or more accurately since we began progress in those things .

Its likely gonna force you to establish new boundaries with these folks, or more distance.

Its good, it is a sign you are growing and healing

[This message edited by JustWow at 5:31 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3616 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
MoreWould
Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

Adding to JW's perceptive comment with an equally pithy one from the BMenz thread.

Dysfunction has become so normative, it's the healthy upbringing that's become dysfunctional in a social model populated by six degrees of manipulation and inner-child masturbation.

I see it at home, at work, and sometimes with my W. We are all broken. There's just so much crazy out there that being a little sane is not always an asset in the sense that getting even a little less crazy can really disturb the folks around you.

Unfortunately, to heal from an A, you have to embrace sanity like a drowning person grabs a piece of floating flotsam. And, do it while you've been feeling and acting more crazy than ever.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

then they'll say, "awee.. but we all love you Aubrie... don't get your feelings hurt."
Yeah, totally see them saying this. "Don't be so sensitive. It's just a joke."

BR's family can be like that. They are different to her and our kids depending on whether I'm around or not.
I wonder if this is intentional or if they kind of subconsciously aim for the "weak" one? Not that BR is weak, but she's alone and therefore an "easier target". I am usually never without my husband and/or kids when I'm with the rest of the family. So I don't really know if what happened last night would happen on a more consistent basis if I was alone with my extended family more. Part of me is curious, but not crazy enough to test that theory out.

Let 1 person step out of their role, and the others are going to get pretty uncomfortable. And since this is all they know, YOUR changes are the problem, not the whole f-ed up system.

So they will pressure you for the old you, for you to fill your role in this fiasco of a family.

We have experienced this more and more because QS and I have pulled back. We throw a stick in the spokes. They don't like that. I have no interest in being a part of the dysfunction anymore. I love them all dearly, but the mind games are completely unnecessary and extremely damaging.

Dysfunction has become so normative, it's the healthy upbringing that's become dysfunctional in a social model populated by six degrees of manipulation and inner-child masturbation.
This is dead on the money. And it kinda sounds like something WAL would say. (No disrespect if it was someone else.) I need to head on down and check out the Menz thread.

Thanks y'all for being clear voices of reason. It's hard to remember that it's them with the problem, not me, when I'm the one being targeted. (That's when a little voice in me screams "Hello! Your As did the same thing to QS. You took your crap out on him and it was you all along. Der.")


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6220 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Wow, how incredibly hurtful and rude. I'm sure that with the collection of personalities there, a game could be played with just about any individual.

I'm so sorry, and not in a pitying way. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you express yourself. You are YOU and you are fantastic.

I'm just sorry that you're surrounded people that are short on entertainment and compassion.

Yet another reason why the best company you can ask for is QS and the kids. That's all that matters.

(((Aubrie84)))


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17255 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thanks Razzie.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you express yourself. You are YOU
This really hit home. After I read this comment, I thought of all the ways people express themselves. Just think about it a second. It's pretty extensive. If 2 individuals expressions are polar opposites, it doesn't make either wrong. Just different.

Oh, and I received more digs yesterday when QS (and out of town guests) were present. Not as extreme or aggressive, but they're still there. My family is awesome.

I'm more vigilant than ever in how I present myself and treat others. And I'm on my children's cases too. I will not let them grow up to mock, belittle, or mistreat others simply because they are different or not "ideal".

I'm learning. Trying to get this screwed up family thing down. Probably driving many of you nuts. But I'm slowly getting it. Really appreciate the feedback both here and PM. Helps tremendously. Thanks.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:13 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6220 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Aubrie I'm a little late to this but you've posted recently how you've been distancing yourself from the toxic in your family. You've spoken about boundaries with them and making sure you and QS are a strong united unit. Do you think they have notices these changes and the digs are their way of trying to pull you back into the crazy?

FWIW I think you're an amazing woman. You've given me great advice and have been a shoulder to lean on for many. Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2723 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Do you think they have notices these changes and the digs are their way of trying to pull you back into the crazy?
I wouldn't doubt it. Sadly for them, all that was accomplished was me feeling like I need to pull away even more. Not embrace and entangle again. And QS was pissed when he found out what happened and I saw a big wall thrown up. (Which will of course be interpreted as him being a "bully and stubborn".) Then they'll look at me and expect me to talk some sense into him. Or Dad will call me and give me a stupid lecture about respect and integrity.

We were getting ready yesterday morning and QS said something about my parent's friends. And it dawned on me, they have acquaintances and people they talk to. But like deep rooted, life time friendships? None. Not a one. I started going back in my mind and remembering families we used to have friendships with. They're all gone. Or they only talk a couple times a year. It's all surface stuff. My parents are the common denominator in all these failed or surface relationships. So...how can it be everyone else that has the issue!?

But yeah. I feel like we've done this a million times before. (probably have) The difference is, now we actually have tools. And we're figuring out how to use them.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:59 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6220 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 14