New Beginnings
User Topic: Friends with Benefits???
Member # 33899
Question  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

I met up online with an old friend from college... he told me he had always been interested in me. He said he doesn't date..only has "friends with benefits". My divorce was final in May, any of you done this FWB thing?

Posts: 190 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: FLORIDA
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

I had a FWB while my ex and I were waiting to be able to file for divorce (mandatory waiting period in my state). The important thing is that you and he are on the same page about expectations, and that you can emotionally detach. It's not a relationship, and likely won't be long term. Think scratching an itch and moving on. If you're the type of person who gets attached or develops feelings for someone, it's probably going to end up with you getting hurt. If you just want some NSA (no strings attached) sex, it's a great option.

My FWB and I had an "exclusive but not committed" understanding - neither of us was messing around with anyone else, but if either of us wanted to, we were 100% free to do so, as long as we informed the other afterward, which would then terminate our "relationship." Ultimately, that's what happened - I started dating more seriously, started seeing someone else, and just shot him a text explaining that I'd been seeing someone else and that was that. No hard feelings, no hurt on either side. We're still friends and give each other relationship advice at times, lol.

Many people don't want to be exclusive while in a FWB situation though, they are just kind of hanging out with a few (or many) friends who they occasionally have sex with.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 33899
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

thanks for the helped

Posts: 190 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: FLORIDA
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

I did this for a brief period too. It was right after my divorce & wanted some fun but could not take an attachment.

You have to agree that if either(most likely the woman) develops feelings its over.

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Although a FWB like Amazonia described is one thing, this old college friend sounds like he just wants to add you to his harem.

A FWB I could do, I could not be with someone I knew he was just going down his list of FWB and I was next in line, kwim? This guy sounds like he just likes the perks without having to do any work. He doesn't date...he just sleeps with woman that agree to it. Not my thing.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Gee, he sounds like a winner.

Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12

Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

A woman I know casually actually approached me a week ago and offered a FWB relationship. (Obviously I'm simplifying the story for the sake of brevity.)

At first the idea was exciting (it's "been awhile") and flattering. But the more I thought about it, the less appealing it became. Bottom line, it is not what I want or need. And more often than not, no matter what one or the other person claims with regard to lack of emotion, someone WILL develop feelings of some sort and someone will be hurt.

This is what sealed the deal for me, and I canceled our first rendezvous, making it clear I changed my mind and it was not what i am looking for.

My mantra for the rest of my life is simple: I do not want to be hurt, and I do not want to hurt. I've had quite enough of pain. NSA sex is just too risky for me. It's not worth it. It is just a bandaid on a gaping wound.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

I have rarely seen a FWB situation happen where someone doesn't get hurt. Either someone already has more interest in the other person or unexpected emotions get involved.

DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

I think that terms need to be determined here.

FWB=Friends with benefits. This means that you actually DO THINGS together outside of the bedroom. You can call this person, as a friend, for things like a concert opportunity or a flat tire assistance.

FB=Fuck buddy. That's the entire extent of your relationship.

He sounds like he is only interested in a FB.

If that is ok with you then fine. But you need to define this more so that expectations are not disappointed.

Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink

Posts: 3085 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

I had a FWB in college. We too had an exclusivity contract where if someone wanted to sleep with someone else on we needed only mention it to the other person so they could opt out.

Whereas I was not emotionally involved, I was disappointed to learn that he had added another person to his repertoire without telling me. Funny how "You're WAY better than her!" was little consolation.

Use protection. I'm glad I did.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17837 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

This means that you actually DO THINGS together outside of the bedroom

Isn't that called dating?

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

I've had more FWBs than traditional romantic relationships. It's so much less frustrating, and honestly there is never a shortage of men who wan no strings sex.

IMO there is no difference between fuck buddies and FWB, people who try to differentiate are usually deluding themselves. That's not to say you can't actually be friends with the person you are casually banging, some of them are actual nice people. But you have to keep boundaries. a FWB is no a surrogate boyfriend.

For me the rules were you didn't talk between hookups, except to arrange the next one. We could hang out, drink, etc- but no spending the night. No deep personal discussions. No pillow talk. No pet names. I preferred a don't ask don't tell policy about other partners, because IMO I was not his GF and what I did was not his business. Using protection was mandatory, anyway.

If you can maintain emotional distance and just have fun, then having a FWB can be cool. It made single life a lot more enjoyable for me.

If I found myself single again I'd probably go back to having FWBs again and not bother dating.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Slight t/j- what does a person with a FWB do about preventing oral herpes or HPV? You can get those goodies from kissing, I assume. Do you not kiss FWB partners?

I've also read that condoms don't protect against herpes. And I'm assuming they don't help much with crabs.

Consider me crazy (I know it's been done), but no "itch" is worth risking getting any of that.

Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12

Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

He said he doesn't date..only has "friends with benefits".

This implies (to me) that he is simutaneously having a few FWB?

I have never been able to do the FWB thing successfully cause I always really liked them to even consider it.

Anyway, the time I did try it....I was exclusive. I would never have more than one FWB.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2177 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think each situation is different, and there is not right or wrong "term" for it (FWB/FB).

I've done it several times. In fact, am doing it now. In my experience, I normally do develop feelings at some point, then get over them and it's smooth sailing from there. Weird, I know.

Two of them were friends, and still are my friends (past lovers). One of them I still talk to regularly, and just helped him through a rough breakup (not sexually - that hasn't happened in over a year). We did date, but he wants a wife and kids, and I don't want to be married or have anymore kids. However - we still get along great, there is physical attraction, and yes we do hang out, meet out for drinks/dinner, see movies... etc... we just know that dating wouldn't lead anywhere for us.

The one I am involved with now... it's been 10 months. There is absolutely no future, and we are both fine with that. There is something we provide to one another that we both like/want, and that's it. We do talk/text, but we do not hang out other than getting together now and then... yes, he stays a while and we talk and laugh and watch tv, but it's mostly just about sex.

Every single situation is different, and you just have to determine what works for you, or if it does at all.

Also - seems these days that, especially younger people, just aren't interested in marriage and serious relationships...

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Topic Posts: 15