SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Anyone else have difficulty accepting help?
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

My In-house separation is ending soon. I'll be moving to a new city very far away from everything to start anew with my son and it's so very scary and exciting at the same time. Still waiting for court date for the divorce. Hopefully get it soon.

I have had to rely on family a lot for help and will have to continue to do so for a while. It is really difficult for me. I feel like such a burden. They are really going the extra mile for me and I've always had difficulty accepting help and support from others (but I don't mind bending backwards for others.) I don't know why I find it so uncomfortable to accept help and the only reason I am is because I know I have no choice and I want the best for my son and for that I will need the help.

Is this because I still don't value myself and maybe think I don't deserve help or kindness? How do I overcome that? I know my biggest issue is not valuing myself and I'm kind of getting sick of not being able to get there. To believe I am enough.

Just venting. It's been an incredibly tough month with packing up (facing a life's memories tainted by new info and the finality of the dreams and hopes I had for my future) in-house is also a nightmare. It all adds up.

I always post here when I'm super down and need to vent. Sorry about that. I know I have come far and hopefully I'll continue to face this one step at a time. This is so hard.

Edited to fix typos and the worst grammar errors.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 2:41 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Coraline
Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

It's really hard for me to ask for help and really hard for me to take it. I don't know the deep, subconscious reasons for all of that, lol. I just know it's true.

I'm also in the same boat with needing it. My friends have watched my kids for me so many times during this process, for meetings with lawyers, going to my therapist, etc., etc. I hate asking them, but sometimes the babysitters I know are all busy, and I don't use strangers unless my friends have used them, and sometimes I've just already paid $80 for babysitters that week and I don't have any money left to pay for another one. My dad is paying my attorney's fees right now, because I have no money, and I owe him a LOT (all divorce-related) and it feels awful. He can afford it, but that's not the point. I have NEVER in my life borrowed money from my parents. Literally not ever. I've been a SAHM, married to a military man, and am going to need to live with my dad for a month or two when I move back to my home town. I'm going to need family to watch my kids sometimes.

All of those things are really difficult, but I try to tell myself that instead of focusing on how awful I feel about "taking" from people, I need to focus on how happy I am to be so loved that people are willing to help. Also, people WANT to help. I know I am glad to help someone out however I can, so that knowledge helps a little with the guilt, too.

[This message edited by Coraline at 3:23 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

(((BrokenDaisy)))

You post when you need to.

Maybe needing or accepting help highlights vulnerability in some way. I don't know, but I know I have felt this way too. It usually is compounded by the fact that I feel like I am terrible at saying "thank you" too.

Packing in and of itself can be so overwhelming.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are enough. What other people do (or don't do) for you is a reflection on them, not on you. I am glad your family is helpful, because you can benefit from that help. But if they weren't helpful or able to help, it wouldn't mean you don't deserve it.


[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 4:06 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5824 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Yes, I have this trouble too.

But I was complained about as being too codependent. I wasn't. I was overshadowed and this was diagnosed by counselors.

So now to ask for help goes against my thoughts and wishes. I feel like I need to disprove what STBX claimed.

The hardest part is getting things fixed without paying someone or buying new ones, when money is tight, do you KWIM?

The other part that I find is that my pride has been very damaged, so asking/accepting help for me, is a pride issue, as well. If I can accomplish a task all alone, I feel pride that was taken away very harshly. If I cannot and have to ask, I don't feel good about that part of myself.

STBX did so much that people thought I was incapable of taking care of us, which emotionally wrecks me and causes me to be quite stubborn on this issue.

I have a friend in in-house separation. It sounds terrible! It's been so hard for her that now that her H is being deployed soon, she is sighing with relief.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

I am the same way. I've supported myself since college and have never asked for help.

I am learning to accept help that's offered (and that I need) during this time. D is one of the biggest life events and its ok to admit you can't carry it all by yourself.

It's been a good lesson for me to learn to accept. People who love me don't want to see me struggle or suffer. I would do the same for them, so I'm accepting that it's ok they do it for me.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 401 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

I have discussed this with my therapist a couple of months ago when I was in tears about having to rely on my mom's help. Wow, I'm getting a little teary eyed just remembering that session. I had to be reminded that those offering help/support/assistance are doing it because THEY WANT TO. My therapist asked what I thought my mom would say if I were to share with her how I was feeling. I felt like such a burden. Also, when people don't know the right thing to say to you or how exactly to help, it is a relief for them to be extend and have you accept their help. It is their way of loving and helping you.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2201 | Registered: Oct 2012
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Thank you for the responses and support. Also for sharing your thoughts so that I'll feel less alone in my feelings about this. As always people here know exactly what to say to help me and guide my growth and introspection.

I'm going to focus on remembering the following (a lot of this stuff I get logically but emotionally I still feel inferior or worthless. Working on it though!)

All of those things are really difficult, but I try to tell myself that instead of focusing on how awful I feel about "taking" from people, I need to focus on how happy I am to be so loved that people are willing to help. Also, people WANT to help. I know I am glad to help someone out however I can, so that knowledge helps a little with the guilt, too.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are enough. What other people do (or don't do) for you is a reflection on them, not on you. I am glad your family is helpful, because you can benefit from that help. But if they weren't helpful or able to help, it wouldn't mean you don't deserve it.

And Ashland I feel for your friend because yes in-house separation is difficult on so many levels!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Also, when people don't know the right thing to say to you or how exactly to help, it is a relief for them to be extend and have you accept their help. It is their way of loving and helping you.
This is very much true. As a dear friend of my told me, "You are doing ME a favor by letting me help you. I know I can't make everything better for you, but I CAN lift some of the burden."


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25369 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 8