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User Topic: how much compassion to show trying 180 and a pet gets sick
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

I am 7 days removed from hearing that my wife (8 years, 10 together) was having an affair. Since she told me she has been running and running. Staying at his house, and while being cordial and polite she has shown no real interest or remorse. the "fog" personified. I just got a call about her dog. I say hers because he was with her before I was. He is 12 and has seizures. Well he had some today. She wanted me to read the dosage at the vet of the medicine he takes. I asked if I should come down. There was a slight hesitation, then, "no,I'm alright". Translation: The other guy is there. Is she all the way gone?


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

That's pretty far gone, sunsets. I mean, it's not just fog... she's at his damn house. I'm sorry.

I'd show compassion in regards to the dog because he is an innocent bystander in this crap. If she needs you to read one label to her, so be it. Otherwise, you need to just focus on taking care of yourself and what your next steps are to get out of this.

Sending hugs and strength.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17838 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

How does a sick family member or cherished pet factor in this process? I need advice on how to continue. I can follow the 180 but I can't totally turn my back in that type of situation can I? Even when she does lean on me for support I know it's just temporary and caused by grief. I can't be totally heartless


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
cruelty
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

I think the important part is focusing on yourself. The dog has been present your entire married life from what I gather, so it would be understandable that this would affect you. I think--I could be wrong--that you could be hoping for the opportunity to unite due to the emotional connection you both feel for your pet. She has already sent the message her comfort may be provided elsewhere, so why would you worry about it? Try to focus on you, focus on the dog, leave her out of it the best you can. Look after your feelings, take care if you.


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
cruelty
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

Oops double post

[This message edited by cruelty at 1:59 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

I can't be totally heartless

Sure you can. She is. And, frankly, refusing to put yourself on the line to be rejected, strung along, etc. is NOT heartless. If you choose to stay out of the dog situation as much as you can, that isn't heartless. It is protecting yourself from someone who knowingly and repeatedly hurts you.

Look, I love dogs. LOVE. It is traumatic when one has be put down or experiences pain. But, having put 3 dogs down in my life - I can say it doesn't compare to the last few years I've had due to my WH's infidelity. Not even close. What she's doing to you, sir, is far more damaging than the potential loss of her dog.

Try to focus on you, focus on the dog, leave her out of it the best you can.

I agree.

Honestly, she's a big girl. I'm sure her vet is helping her with the medical part of it.

Does the dog live with her or you right now? Sounds like her. If that's the case, ask if you can spend some time alone with the dog. Take him/her to a park. Say your goodbyes.

If the dog lives with you, then just spend quality time with him/her as much as you can.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

I can't be totally heartless

Oh yeah, you can.

I would show love to the dog and ignore her completely.

No hugs no I'm sorries....let her hurt alone.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

What she's doing to you, sir, is far more damaging than the potential loss of her dog.

I agree. What she has done to you is also far more painful than a sick family member. If that happens, you should deal directly with the family member (assuming this is someone you are close to) and ignore WW.

She fired you from the job of supporting and caring for her. She secretly replaced you. It is great that you're doing a 180. Stick with it in all situations to protect yourself and heal yourself.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

She's chosen someone else to support her. She does not intend to support you.

That said, if you want to spend time with the dog, that's a reasonable request.

Just do it alone.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 9