Topic: is it ok to date?
Member # 39750
| Posted: 1:05 AM, July 21st (Sunday)|
Its been 24 days and I am more depressed than ever. WH was upset the other day because I said I was going on a date. He laughed and said that's funny since u condemned me for that same thing. Hes the one who left me for the OW. HE KEEPS SAYING its not what i think! Then what else? He wont be straight with me at all! Why should I have to suffer. And also the same day we actually had sex. Why would he have sex with me in the first place?! I called his phone the other night and a girl answered it. He claimed it was just a "friend". I've asked him countless times to tell me the truth but he refuses to say anything other than its my fault and its too late. He won't even tell me where he is living. I am trying to 180 him but I'm so lost. He went away out of state on thursday with his so called friends. I'm dying more and more every day. I need to have companionship of some sort. PLEASE someone tell me what I should do??!!!
Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: brokenhearted475
Member # 23890
| Posted: 1:27 AM, July 21st (Sunday)|
bh475, in a word: NO. Getting laid isn't going to make the pain go away. Dating is going to muddy some already very muddy water and wouldn't be fair to the person you date.
Do you know who the OW is? If not get a gps, with a very strong magnet, program it to your computer, and slip it on his vehicle the next time he is at the house. Track where he goes. (Maybe better to try it out on your own car first. Knowledge is power. Knowing the truth even as he is lying to you will give you strength.
Then you lean hard into the 180. Lean on us.
((brokenhearted475)) You deserve better.
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?
Posts: 4054 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 10866
| Posted: 8:39 AM, July 21st (Sunday)|
What you need to do is change the focus around to being on you. You already know he is lying and cheating.
You start by going NC. No communication about anyything unless it's divorce related. That means he doesn't get to know if you are going on dates, out with your girlfriends, whatever.
Next, you start taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. Make an appointment with IC. Get exercise (go to the gym or just take walks). Eat healthy (I know eating can be hard); fruits and veggies.
Stop trying to reach out to him because he will just continue to be hurtful.
'm so sorry that you're here and in so much pain.
Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
Posts: 15101 | Registered: Jun 2006
Member # 24961
| Posted: 12:20 PM, July 21st (Sunday)|
You are in a world of hurt right now. It hasn't even been a month. Do you really think bringing another person into this mess is going to help? Or not hurt them? Dating isn't the answer.
You need to stop asking him to please tell you the truth, because the more you do, the more he thinks he can keep snowing you. He thinks he's superior and that he's winning.
He won't give you the answers, so decide on the answers yourself. Of COURSE he's having sex with her. No man, who just walked out on his wife, is hanging out and going away with a female if he isn't having sex with her. I know it hurts, but you have your answer.
Honestly? I know you probably don't want to even think about D at the moment, but you need to protect yourself from him spending a ton, running up debt with her and getting you into a financial mess as well as the emotional mess you are in. Go talk to a lawyer. File. Have him served. You can always stop the process later if he does find his brain, but for now, you really need to protect yourself.
Lean on us...when I was where you are, I posted a ton. I was able to rant, beg for answers, cry and whatever else I needed to do to the wonderful people here. Not to him.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
BS(me) 46, kids DS 17, DD 14.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
Posts: 5132 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 20024
| Posted: 2:11 PM, July 21st (Sunday)|
I have to say No. Its not okay.
After DDay #1 my WH was "remorseful" but I was so filled with anger that I briefly thought about having a Revenge Affair. I even went as far as checking out a dating website. Thankfully, I have great friends who knocked some sense into me. Doing that wouldn't make me feel better. Doing that wouldn't make what he did go away.
I'm less than a month out from DDay #2 and I can honestly say I will not even consider dating until long after the divorce is final. I need to take stock of myself. I need to heal from the damage that has been caused. I refuse to accept any less than an honest relationship and I don't want to push all of this drama onto someone else.
Please be gentle with yourself. You're only a few weeks into this mess.
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing
Burn everything love then burn the ashes.
Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 19595
| Posted: 4:41 PM, July 21st (Sunday)|
I got hurt because someone wasn't ready to date. He needed to heal more before dating. Dumb me knew this but still jumped in.
Don't do this to someone else when you are still hurting and healing from a broken relationship.
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.
Posts: 20264 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Member # 32847
| Posted: 4:47 PM, July 21st (Sunday)|
I have to say, that you are so new to this. I would imagine that dating (even just having a sexual relationship) right now will probably do you more harm than good. I know you must be feeling unvalued, and you might think that dating someone new will make you feel special again. Please hold off until your divorce is final, and you are in a better emotional state.
[This message edited by LadyQ at 4:48 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]
Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...
Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 32554
| Posted: 4:59 PM, July 21st (Sunday)|
No, it's not okay to date. You're not ready. It would be wrong to use another person just to make yourself feel better. (((HUGS)))
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 8416 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 36434
| Posted: 7:39 PM, July 21st (Sunday)|
I agree with the others, no dating right now. Hugs. It sucks. All of it sucks.
Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.
Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
|Topic Posts: 9|| |