SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: Porn
karen
Member
Member # 886
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

My husband cheated 10 years ago. We have mostly recovered. However, the past year he reads porn daily whenever I leave the house. I have tried to google "is this normal for men?" but I can't get a sense of what other men do. I know some men(shouldn't stereotype here, but that is the sex I am wondering about) look/read porn occasionally, but every day? Everytime I leave the house? Anybody know what is 'normal' or when one should become concerned?

Posts: 73 | Registered: Dec 2002
Pringle
New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

I have the same question and was thniking of posting it too-so will be great to hear everyone's views. My wf also watches it everyday!!!Every night when I go to bed. (I know because sometimes he forgets to delete his history)Even when the A came out he was watching it constantly!


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2013
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

porn can be as addicitve as crack.

That said, it doesn't matter what other men do nor what other wives "condone", tolerate, or ignore.

What matters are the boundaries you have for your M. What can you live with? What consquences will occur if your boundaries are violated.

I have a zero tolerance for porn. It is a deal breaker. You do not need to have my boundary. You need to have YOUR boundary, communicate it, and be willing to follow through. Or else it isn't a boundary.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3581 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

It's not necessarily whether or not it's normal...it's whether or not you're okay with it.

Some people are okay with it together or separate. Others aren't okay with it at all.

Also, it is a matter of whether or not it's impacting you relationship.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Pornography was my FWHs gateway "drug" that led him to AFF and a ONS. And had I not caught him, to worse because he had no intention of stopping. There is a total ban on it here. He crossed the line by hiding some stuff from me not too long ago. I left him. He damned near didn''t get me back. He probably won''t should he do anything like that again.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4568 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

One of my demands/boundaries after d-day was no porn.
Zero.
My FWH had a 5 yr LTA. I kicked him out of the house after d-day and started divorce proceedings.
He begged and pleaded for another chance.
It took me 6 months to feel comfortable with the idea of R.
And when I finally agreed it was on MY terms.

So...that meant no Facebook for him..ever, and no porn.

He agreed and said if he ever felt a need to indulge then he would share that with me and we would decide together how to proceed.

I do not see him missing it at all. Our marriage is better than ever-he is very romantic and attentive to my needs.

I say...that if it bothers you then you have every right to demand he not indulge.
If he cannot stay away from porn...well..then...it may point to a bigger problem.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3151 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Is he hiding it from you or does he know you know? If he's hiding it I say red flag.
Is it impacting your sexual and intimate relationship ? If so I would say its a red flag.
Is it normal? Eh what's normal. Seriously for some people this may not be normal. For others it may be ok. The question is how is his behavior impactin you and your relationship?

(((( and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7795 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

The "whenever I leave the house" is what concerns me. It suggests both secrecy and compulsion.

I am not anti-porn. That said, it was definitely a "gateway drug" for my husband. Porn--and the activities it spawned--which escalated--was substituted for intimacy, emotional or physical, with me. It ended my sex life long before my d-day.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8322 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

I was told by a friend, who is a published author on the topic of gender discrimination, that society is tolerant of boys and men doing certain things.

The common statement is, boys will be boys!

When I said this about my WS porn, she immediately stopped me and said, no!

She asked me why I would say such a thing, that porn is ok, because that is just what guys do?

I said, "well isn't it just what guys do?"

She said, "why do you think that it is what guys do?"

I had no idea what she was leading into.

She said, "society allows them to do it by accepting it as normal. The act of pornography is the degradation of women, men and children, doing vulgar things so that some unknown stranger can seek anonymous pleasure from it, rather than seek a healthy relationship with a real partner. How is this ok?"


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

I had this same question for much of my marriage.

I didn't want to seem like a prude.

Some people use porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, as a way to escape from reality.

I found a website :
yourbrainonporn.com

For some people porn completely rewires their brain.

In my opinion, if a "normal" guy picks up a beer, or a magazine, or a lottery ticket it may not be an issue. But someone whose life is filled with beer, gambling, or cheating on their spouse is not "normal", and therefore their use of this escape is detrimental to their life.

Also, in my case, my WS kept pushing the envelope on what was ok and what was not. Each time THAT instance became the new normm until finally I didn't remember what was "normal."

So, in my WH circumstance, porn is an escape and the ONLY way I would have ever taken him back is if he went to counseling for at least 6 months and no porn, as he needed to close the escapes from reality.

Also, I think guys with issues watch porn and then get addicted to it.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:03 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think when its hidden, when like you said, they get a moment alone and have to look at it....its,a problem. I know what my ws was like for 20yrs without it and who he is now with it...I hate it. It's taken over. It's like a drug addiction. They have to keep upping the usage to get the fix.. maybe some can view it occasionally and carry on normally, my ws cannot.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4710 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

"Normal" and things that are ok and fit your values can be 2 different things. Im sure to some people it is "normal" to me, it is wrong. Therefore, I do not care if the world says it is ok...the world says a lot of things are ok that I do not feel are ok bc of my personal values. Dont lose sight of you and your beliefs to keep the waters calm. He, as your husband, should respect your values and on this type of issue, there is no reason you should be the one to budge.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
startingover62
New Member
Member # 39804
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

This topic is a very good one in that it goes to one of the core issues of many WS.

I am a FWS and had decades of porn use as a part of my acting out.

I believe the simple answer to your question is: No, it is not alright.

The behaviors you have descibed lead to isolation, fantasy building, and lying. The primary problem, other than objectifying other humans, is that it interfers with intimate emotional bonding in a relationship.

Porn use is addictive. It is similar to the addictions of chemicals and alcohol. It changes the neurochemical feedback loops in the brain.

Speaking for myself, I used porn to tamp down stress and anxiety. I now have better ways to do this and have been "porn free" for over two years. Now, porn is only OK if it is shared with my spouse. Porn, secret lives, and such are "slippery slopes" best avoided.

SO



fWH 63, BS 63 (Twentyplus)

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

The behaviors you have descibed lead to isolation, fantasy building, and lying. The primary problem, other than objectifying other humans, is that it interfers with intimate emotional bonding in a relationship.

Exactly.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
BrokenBadger
Member
Member # 9278
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Disagree with most responses on here because of rash generalizations. Here are questions posed in the thread:
Is it impacting your sexual and intimate relationship ? There is NO sexual or intimate relationship to impact. She simply is unwilling/unable to tolerate this aspect of a marriage anymore
Is it normal? It is (porn) quite simply the only sexual outlet available to me, period. Not done too much ( 1-2 times per week). Only breadwinner, have had to put up with years of indifference and her pining for another. Just done. I live for myself because that is all I have. A little excitement to momentarily charge that side of the brain can be a good thing. I certainly would love the real thing, just not possible now.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Hell
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

BS here. I totally changed my view on porn since my wife's A. Before I hardly thought anything about viewing it (by myself, with my wife)....now I totally get how it negatively affects intimacy. I have quit looking at it. My sex life with my wife is barely alive....I have urges but am feeling better and better each day . I have gone as long as 3 weeks without sex....and am ok! I really thought this was not possible for a guy to do.

I am hopeful this, combined with a newly committed-to-our- marriage wife, will lead to an intimacy i never knew or felt. but if it doesnt, i still feel 100% better internally....other good is coming from this...i would encourage all to take a break from seeking any sex outside of sex with your spouse...it is especially challenging following the A....but it can be done.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:07 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Porn and sexual behavior can be hard to define as deviant. Looking at it daily the moment you step out of the house seems like a red flag to me. However, does it effect your marriage? Your sexual intimacy?

My exWH was/is a sex addict. He would look at porn daily for 8-12 hours a day. He spent so much energy with his online endeavors that we were essentially in a sexless marriage.

That's generally how I would outline it as a problem: 1) does it impact your relationship, 2) does it impact his job (my ex looked at tons of porn while at work), 3) does it physically harm him (people will masturbate to the point of physical harm, or stay up and get 2-3 hours of sleep), 4) is his behavior illegal or is he looking at harmful images (child pornography, violent rape scenes, etc).


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15240 | Registered: Jun 2006
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Depends on the person. If viewing porn activates an addictive cycle in their brain, it's bad. It can contribute to ED, addiction - requiring more and more + different kinds of porn and going into hardcore stuff.

If they simply just view it occasionally and it's arousing but not addictive, it's not bad. The problem is that the people for whom it IS bad don't usually recognize the changes in themselves that watching porn has contributed towards.

There are a lot of articles about it on Psychology Today. Many articles say it's all bad but there are a few on there that say it's not the porn that is bad, it's the person watching it (who can't make good decisions with the information).


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
BrokenBadger
Member
Member # 9278
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Agree completely with womaninflux. Viewed occasionally to arouse in the absence of any other avenue for this appears to be harmless. It's the person watching it and how they react to it that is the real story.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Hell
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Porn is bad for a M unless its something you watch together. Most porn watchers keep it secret and hide it from their partners. Did you know it is also a control issue? If someone is watching porn and getting sexual satisfaction from it, they usally don't feel a need to have sex with the person beside them.

My H is a porn watcher and while doing it he is not a part of this M. We went to MC and he convinced the MC he is not addicted. Oh yes he was. I found all the dvd's downloads and other things. Ayear later I came home early before he expected it and guess what I found. Yep more porn. Needless to say I went off. He actually had to the nerve to say I didn't know it bothered you... Oh he knows now and there has been no porn. Life is so much better, He goes to bed when I do, we visit and even have an active sex life. To me porn is a form of cheating and if I ever find any type of it I am gone.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Karen:
I'll set aside my own failings in this area, and any moral standards that you two share (and I know this is probably impossible), it seems to me that the issue is much more volatile in a post adultery relationship. That is, it seems to me that even if he sees no harm in this, the fact that he is doing something harmful to your peace of mind is harmful in itself. It's self indulgent at the very least. It seems to me that a remorseful ws must go beyond whatever his own standards happen to be.
It also seems to me that the porn in this case, is a thinly disguised substitute for the cheating that already took place. Some seem to be saying that it may be acceptable if both spouses are amenable to it, and it is not hidden. In this case, it seems that a true about face has not been attained, and the message is "if I can't have someone else, I'll just fantasize that I can." I hardly see that as healthy or productive from any perspective. And I can tell you this: I'd give anything today if I had never failed in this.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Porn may not be a problem for a lot of people. But if it is hurting your spouse..it's a problem. If you're choosing porn over sex with your spouse...it's a problem. If you hid it,sneak it,for any reason,it's a problem. It can destroy intimacy. It gives men..and women..false expectations when it comes to real sex with a real person.

Karen,if you are not ok with porn,then that is ok. You don't have to accept it in your marriage..tell him the porn goes,or he does. He can either value you more than the whores on the screen,or GTFO.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:02 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

My situation is this: I believe pornography is repulsive - I use that word because I can't think of a stronger one. That is my belief - not saying it needs to be anyone else's.

My WH looked at porn during the time surrounding his ONS. I cannot say definitively that the porn was a gateway - or if it was a result. He won't talk about it.

I have a feeling that my husband, too, believes that porn is not healthy. I think that is why he is sooo embarassed about having done it.

If your partner thinks it is bad, or sneaks to do it, that certainly damages the trust and connection in the relationship - in my opinion.

I also have to say that, even thought I feel about it the way I do, it would not cause me to leave if I find out he has looked at it again. He does know, however, that I will not have it in my home, or be any part of it whatsoever.

We all have to determine and enforce our boundaries - based on calm decisions and strong beliefs.

JMHO

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:35 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1850 | Registered: Apr 2012
karen
Member
Member # 886
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Wow! I am so impressed and appreciative of all the responses. I know I need to confront him (again), but the other part of me doesn't want to let on how I know he reads all this porn. Isn't it sad after 10 years, I still have to check up on him?

Posts: 73 | Registered: Dec 2002
loveejazzmin
New Member
Member # 40019
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I don't think porn is good for any marriage. When you catch your spouse watching porn it makes you feel unwanted.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
loveejazzmin
New Member
Member # 40019
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Karen,
I have been married to my spouse for 23 years. I finally caught him releasing himself while watch porn. I was furious and he told me that he was sorry. I forgave him and just recently. I caught him again and threaten a divorce. I feel as though he might as well cheating. I can tell he watch porn because of his action during our most intimate time. I either stop or just remember the intimate times with my ex had which was more romantic. Is that bad to do?

[This message edited by loveejazzmin at 10:49 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I was very naive to the.porn issue. We watched it together sometimes when we were dating and it was kind of a lil
boost sometimes for both of us. However, he watches alone now, its a secret thing. I used to think porn made guys horny...well now he would rather look at porn than have sex. I take it very personally. Seriously you have someone next to you that you have cut off sexually but you look at porn. The more I read up on it I understand this is what happens...intimacy leaves your body. I hate it now and when I see what he looks at, I feel sorry for those stupid little wanna be actresses and wonder what the hell happened in their life to make them do that.Then I look at my ws and want to kick him in the balls.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4710 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 26th (Friday)

This was something WH confessed to after DDay. He travels extensively for work and always did it on the road, so I had no idea. Once I found out I did some research and what I discovered was not good. I was never a fan of the stuff, but didn't know it could be that destructive.

I would encourage you to look into this and then decide what you think. The website homewrecked mentioned is a good one.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Please don't feel you have to apologize for having your feelings or your boundaries about porn.

You know what's normal about porn? That everyone has differing experiences and feelings about it.

The reason why it's tricky is because it involves sexuality, and sexuality is one of those things when you're in a relationship where it's hard to tell where it's personal/individual and where it's shared.

For some people, maybe porn is on the personal side, which is why they don't share it with their partners. For me, porn crosses the line and impacts the shared part of our sexuality. I don't like that my husband is watching another woman have sex. I'd hoped that I would be the only woman he gets to see having sex from now on. Instead he's looking at some other girl's body and imagining what he'd like to do with her and getting a really good demonstration of what it would be like. I'll say it, criticism or not: I'm jealous.

Maybe in his mind it's harmless. When I found out a few years ago, he said all guys do it, and he said at least he's not sleeping with someone else. So what was he getting out of it? Simple enjoyment. Of course he enjoyed it. He's looking at a hot girl having sex, he gets to see what the inside of her special place looks like. Duh, he's enjoying it.

Sex is normal. Masturbation is normal. Fantasies are normal. Porn is ...common. Doesn't mean it's OK for everyone. Follow your heart.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:08 PM, July 26th (Friday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3880 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Phoenix9
New Member
Member # 39733
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

This is the craziest thing ever!!!!! After not having gotten on here for a few weeks, tonight I logged back in hoping to find some answers/support about porn use by a WS. I got CHILLS when I almost immediately came across this thread.

And now, after reading everyone's posts, I sit here struggling to hold back tears.

Although it's been almost a year since the last d-day, some recent things have happened that have majorly triggered me.

1. He started drinking again. 2. I found out he had told an old friend how he wished he'd dumped me for her blah blah blah. 3. He won't stop looking at porn.

In fact, he's been doing it after I go to bed for the past week. We fought about it (again) tonight. As I type this, I'm downstairs in the basement guest room because I know he's gonna do it again despite my tears and pleas. He told me that he felt like I was trying to control him and that all I've been doing lately is nagging him and making him feel like crap. What the FRICK????? I just had some new bombshells dropped on me, I'm upset, I'm certainly gonna tell him so, and he's blaming ME for making HIM feel bad??????

I am 24 weeks pregnant with our 5th child and have never felt more hopeless about true reconciliation than I do now.

He asks how I can expect him to quit cold turkey since it's something he's been doing since he was 10 years old. Says its a great way for him to relieve stress and it actually helps PREVENT him from cheating on me.

I am beyond frustrated and disgusted.


Me (BS): 36 Him (WH): 35
Married 12 years (Each other's 1st)
Children: 9, 8, 6, 3 and 1 month
DDay#1: March 2008 EA turned PA (kissing, holding hands)
DDay#2: August 2012 (ONS with kissing on lips and certain body parts)
Hoping for true R.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix9
guiltyone
Member
Member # 30907
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

The only reason many women don't like it is because it makes them feel insecure. But almost all men do it and you can't really get them to stop.

And it's not cheating- that's absolutely ridiculous.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2011
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

The first time I.noticed it I wasn't too
concerned, I assumed most men do occasionally. After reading some of the previous post it just hit me. My ws is a forber addict..23yrs sober but since rehab I've watched him become "addicted or whatever you want to csll it to several things. He can't do anything in moderation. When he worked out, it was for hours at a time, even when he started going to church, it was classes, bible study, Sunday morn church, teaching kids...not that there's anything wrong with that but he always jumps in with both feet and its inttense. So the porn got more vulgar and disturbing and now he's going on hook up sites.. its escalated ten fold. I really hate it. Looking at vaginas all fn say but can't have sex with his wife. At this point I am not interested but it still hurts.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4710 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

ok..guiltyone..if it makes us feel insecure and it hurts us..then what? Our problem..not his?

If it's hurting your wife..would you stop?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

The first time I walked in on H "enjoying himself" 15 years ago, while watching porn on his PC in the kitchen in the dark, I was surprised and hurt, but I convinced myself that it was normal and that he just had a weak moment. I did not scold him, but tried to be a modern woman and helped him finish. (Sorry if TMI) I had no idea he looked at it regularly.

Years later, we looked at a movie together while at a hotel, just to see what it was like. Afterwards I told him that I didn't want to do it again. Being with him was enough, and he agreed.

Years later he had an A, then two years after that I find he is looking at porn instead of coming to a family outing.

He admitted to me that he had struggled with porn ever since he got his first computer. He had tried to quit several times, and he always went back to it. He hated himself for being "weak" and not being able to stay away from it.

He is now off of it for good (so we both hope.) Our sex life is better, though not in frequency, due to our schedules, children being around, etc. but he seems much happier, and so am I.

His IC told him this week that porn use and infidelity are due to a low self esteem and a need for external validation. Horray!! He now wants to find out more about his FOO issues that have led him to have a low self esteem.

Many of the "actors" on porn are victims, diseased, on drugs, and exploited. Knowing that, who would want to contribute to that industry?

Porn is addictive, it is cheating, and I hate it.

Just my opinion...I know.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Karen - you are "feeding the disease" by spying on him and not being honest about what you know. Figure out a way you can sit down and talk about this in a productive way. Therapist? Clergy? You have to have your ducks in a row...it's not going to be fun!!!


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Post-A, I will not tolerate porn. Completely disrespectful to me, my relationship, him, and every single person in the porn movie. I don't believe in it, it has been disruptive and destructive to the relationship, and it is not something I am okay with.

I don't care what other wives "allow" or are okay with. It is not something that is okay with me, the end.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I'm anti-pornography. Realistically--as the mother of two sons (one who has masturbated as his major source of comfort since he was a toddler)--I know that masturbation is normal. Pornography is a line-crosser, though. And I DO believe it's a "gateway" to sex addiction.

Unfortunately, I speak as the BW of a man who is a SA. A week after our wedding, while moving into our apartment, I found his last phone bill. It was $800 worth of calls for phone sex. I was hurt but naive. Like someone else on here, I tried to be modern and non-prudish. I believed it was because we weren't together yet and he had needs that had to be fulfilled. I paid the bills and never saw another bill like that, so it seemed a non-issue.

Within our first year of marriage, though, he got a letter from a friend about his old GF getting married. He tried to hide it but I could tell he was upset. That night, he left our bed (which woke me up). When he didn't come back, I got up and found him pleasuring himself to the snowy porn available on our TV. I cried. We were newlyweds; he had a beautiful, loving, available wife in his bed; and he chose that method of escape.

Over the years, I'd catch him looking at photos (usually only that) on the computer. I was crushed. He was in the military; he was away from me for 6 months at a time; he was surrounded by porn in that culture. But I didn't want it tainting our home.

About 7 years ago, he finally went to therapy (for adoption/self-esteem issues/anger issues) and found out he was a SA and a rage addict. For 6 months, we abstained sexually, so that he could dry out. He confessed to me that even when I thought "we" were making love, he was really just--crude, hurtful truth but his words--masturbating inside of me.

So, while he was healing, I was falling apart. I couldn't get past the fact that he'd intentionally hurt my feelings or make me angry so that he could have an excuse to act out. Which made him feel like a jerk. Which started the whole cycle (with many more parts than that) again.

If he was ever sharp or intolerant with the kids that day, I felt like being intimate would be wrong because he'd be acting out with me. I stopped trusting him to know the difference. I didn't want him to look at my body naked--the one that had borne (two c-sections) his four children. I didn't want to be intimate with the lights on. I felt insecure and inferior--although, realistically, I've aged well.

Against this background, he met a young woman in his own field, with a similar mathematical/scientific background, who was in a male-dominated world, who was aggressive, who was in a practically sexless marriage (although 2 children), who'd already had one A. They began texting (he'd always had boundary issues with women, was a compulsive flirter--but in front of me, so I thought it was harmless--and had been asked by me to discontinue several friendships that had become EAs although not called that then), she upped the ante to sexual innuendo, and he was ripe for the fall.

She was his soulmate. She completed him. She accepted his SA and loved him anyway. Until she dropped him (don't know why, exactly).

When that happened, his fantasy world was shattered and he acted out, hooked up with a prostitute locally, then with 2 escorts while on a business trip.

I found the e-mails describing what he wanted with the prostitute (the subject line? "lessons") and when the rendezvous was happening (the day before I found them), then watched $100s vanish from our account while he'd be away.

All of this? Because he has not found acceptable or positive ways to comfort himself aside from porn/sex. It all started with normal, teenage self-pleasuring, progressed through lingerie/swimsuit model photos in high school, phone sex in college, porn magazines in the military, videos while on business trips, computer/TV porn at home, then led to an affair and then even more illicit sex.

So, IMHO, masturbation is "normal," but pornography is toxic. No matter the reason, the porn use, to me, would be a red flag.

I'm so sorry that another woman has to go through the sort of nightmare I have. I wish you well whatever happens.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 392 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
betrayed5years
Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

OW shared porn with WS while I was in ICU and OW was my nurse years before the A. Did my WS send her porn? I have no doubt....I did not know it then but did know he shared pics with guys friends.

When D-day occured one of our sons saw the sheer number of porn his father was sharing with many guy friends and was shocked. It had stopped with OW but Ws had kept many she had sent him.

WS said he was stopping with porn but did not...said he never thought about when he forwarded stuff on. It was a deal breaker to me then as he had made the decision to stop and did not. He no longer forwarded any but still got it until about 6 months from D day his friends were calling concerned he was not sending them any porn. He wrote a very sincere email to all and did not say not to send any more porn, but that he was focusing his life on his marriage, his wife and his kids. It has all stopped.

Did porn lead to the A? Don't know, but think it was part of the breaking down of appropriate boundaries between friends of the opposite sex. OW would send my WS porn her spouse sent her....and I kept the evidence...


Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
guiltyone
Member
Member # 30907
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, August 12th (Monday)

"ok..guiltyone..if it makes us feel insecure and it hurts us..then what? Our problem..not his?
If it's hurting your wife..would you stop?"

If it is disruptive to a relationship, then it can be harmful. But that's still not cheating.

If it was cheating, then the majority of men in this country are cheating.

Anything doen to excess can be a detriment to a relationship-watching too much sports and ignoring your significant other, eating tyoo many twinkies, etc. That doesn't mean it's cheating.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Well, the concept of "cant get them to stop" is pretty much the foundation of addiction, guiltyone.

Yeah a lot of guys watch porn but that doesn't mean not watching it is unreasonable or that a happy medium can't be reached. If we want to look at the historical data, almost all men pick up weapons and smash each other with more regularity than rubbing one out to porn, but talking out feelings has a certain social advantage over sawing some asshole in half with a bronze plate because he's from the next city state over and you want his corn field.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7359 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 12th (Monday)

The only reason many women don't like it is because it makes them feel insecure. But almost all men do it and you can't really get them to stop.
And it's not cheating- that's absolutely ridiculous.

I find these comments dismissive, arrogant, condescending, and bordering on offensive. However that's my opinion.

I am not a fan of porn, but I wouldn't have an issue if my husband used it on occasion. However, my current husband does NOT use porn. We've had this conversation when we were dating, and I just asked him again to make sure my memory of his response is correct.
His position is that to use the image of another woman/man while in a relationship to get off feels, to him, like cheating.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 8:51 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6065 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Some men can develop sexual problems from consistently watching porn while masterbating. Evidently they condition themselves physically so they become unable to complete inside a woman?



BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

If you don't think it's cheating..and your spouse is fine with it..then good for you and your marriage.

Not cheating? Um..when WH and I were having sex one night with porn on in the background(typical Saturday night for us before the dday),I looked up at him and saw him looking at the screen..I also noticed he had just manuvered me into the same postion as the whore on the screen. EXACT same. My legs were even pointed in the same direction..but he wasn't fucking me while pretending he was with her..right? The position was just a coincidence? He wasn't using my body to masturbate to the whore on the screen..right? (He has since admitted he was doing *just* that..so yeah..I consider that to be a form of cheating)


Some people don't feel kissing another person is cheating. Some people have an open marriage..and don't consider that cheating. Some people probably don't think what my WH did to me was cheating(not talking about the porn here..Im talking about what brought me to SI). Some people don't see EA's as cheating. And some people don't view porn as cheating..but some do. What is acceptable and isn't considered cheating in your marriage may work for you...but that doesn't mean it works for every marriage.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:02 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HormonalWoman
Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Yes porn does make me insecure. But only since he cheated on me.

Cheating doesn't just ruin the trust in a relationship, it changes your views on things in life. It has certainly changed my view on porn.


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Porn is now deal breaker for me and he knows it.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
c6284x
New Member
Member # 39545
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I liked porn, my wife did not. My wife is the one who cheated, so you can't blame porn for all the trouble in marriages. Anything taken to extreme is a negative, whether it's watching tv looking at porn or working. A healthy balanced life leaves room for a few pleasures.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
nestlee
Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

My H use to watch porn any free time he had. Instead of wanting to be with me. He rathered watch porn and pleasure him self. I started to feel ugly. Because it didn't matter how dressed up or how well I kept my self up. He was still turning to porn . there's no way I could compete with air brushed, photo shopped, implants women on porn. He would come home from work with jism stains in his underwear and the bottom of his shirt. When I would confront him. He'd tell me he jerked off at work watching porn.

He started ignoring me and insulting my weight. I'm 5'8 and 160 lbs.. Not bad for having 6 kids. So I thought. When I wanted to make love he'd become very rough and out to space. I asked him over and over again to cut down on the porn and more time with me. Finally in 2012, after seeing him watch little 16 yr olds shaking their asses on youtube. Then denying that he didn't know they weir that young. We fought about it. He said he would cut down. I just wish he'd quit.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 47