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User Topic: I broke NC....
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I was working as a temporary receptionist - answering phones and greeting people in an office for a day, a job I have done maybe 3 or 4 times prior in this office. It was a long boring day and towards the end of the day I ended up googleing my AP. I saw an article where he was interviewed and he mentioned things that I didn't know, so I became curious and searched. I searched him, his BW & their DD.

This was in May. I knew it was wrong and hated that I did it. I actually felt nothing but curiosity but it was completely wrong for me to do. When I saw my AP in town a week later (first time since prior to DDay), I felt nothing but remorse for my A.

Friday my BH questioned me and asked why I did this. I know being bored and curious doesn't make this understandable or acceptable to him or me.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

It was a long boring day and towards the end of the day I ended up googleing my AP.
Why didn't you choose to do a crossword puzzle instead? Why the choice to look up AP? Why does he still matter? Why did you hide it for 2 months?

How is Tred holding up?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6308 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

ok, so why did you do it?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5977 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

You used your old coping skills of escape.

The term HALT Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, and what do you do when you feel that way, has been discussed on these boards in the past, and it's something I discuss in IC too.

When you feel any of these feelings H.A.L.T. how do you act? People in general react in all sorts of ways, some healthy, many unhealthy.

Do you do something healthy or unhealthy? You choose an unhealthy way to deal with your boredom. Think of what else you could have done, what have you done in the past, and why did you choose an escape to cope in the past and this time?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Aubrie, I did do suduko & crosswords. I even took a book I have with puzzles to help with my boredom. I got bored with them also. It was a horrible choice I made and I am ashamed to admit it. I didn't tell Tred because I knew it was something I shouldn't have done. Instead I choose to forget about doing it because my AP doesn't matter. You may say he does matter because I was googling him, but I felt nothing. It didn't make me miss him or want to contact him. I don't think of my AP fondly at all. When I actually saw him in town, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could.

Tred is hurting. Hurting because I didn't tell him and because he now wonders how often I think of my AP.

badchoice, interesting response. I cannot remember reading about H.A.L.T. but it is something I will pay more attention to when I have those feelings. I did choose an unhealthy way to react to my boredom, I do know that.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

So what happens the next time you get bored? If you really "didn't feel anything toward AP" and you "just so happened" to look him up, (and I'm not buying that) what happens the next time?

When I actually saw him in town, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could.
Why?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6308 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

So what happens the next time you get bored? If you really "didn't feel anything toward AP" and you "just so happened" to look him up, (and I'm not buying that) what happens the next time?

I certainly won't be looking him up on Google. I have been bored many times before and did other things in these past 20 months. I know I fucked up, I felt it after I turned the computer off.

When I actually saw him in town, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could.

Why?

Why did I want nothing to do with him? Why did I walk away? Because I had no desire to confront him, no urge for him to see me, nothing to say to him.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

so you broke NC because you were bored?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5977 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I became curious and searched.
Why does he still matter? And there is something there, otherwise you wouldn't be curious. What that thing is, only you know.

Because I had no desire to confront him, no urge for him to see me, nothing to say to him.
Yet you looked him up. Because you don't want to confront, see, or talk to him...?

SandAway, I did the same thing. Used the "I was bored/hurt/whatever" excuse. It's bullcrap. Truth is, I was angry. I hated that my life was going to hell in a handbasket and he was getting away scot free. I wanted to see if I could find anything that showed me he was miserable or failing at life somehow. I was deflecting from the real issue. Me. Bottom line is, it shouldn't matter. At. All.

This is all you Sand. Your actions, your thoughts, your coping mechanisms. You have the choice to act or not act upon them. Dig deeper Sand. You're only scratching the surface.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6308 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I agree with Aubrie and the others. You weren't "just bored"and you did care about him and what he and his family were doing, hell you even told us for cripes sake!

You need to be completely honest with yourself here. Him passing for a second into and out of your brain is something you can't control. You keeping that thought, letting the roots of it grasp around your heart and then taking it further by acting on it; sprouting a hidden ugly growth and all that shit has to be plowed down, pulled out and burned.

Not only that, but you gotta get on your hands and knees and dig! You gotta get to the root of this shit cause if all you do is chop a branch here or cut the top there, you're just letting those roots grow deeper and wider and stronger.

You don't owe us an answer here and this shit does take time. So think. REALLY think about what you were feeling that night. First you were bored and then ___ then you thought of the AP and then ___ you felt ___ until you ___…… then ask yourself Why. One suggestion I have is next time your AP pops into your head, look at a pic of Tred. Call Tred, messages him. Replace the AP with Tred. I bet you anything you will feal better remembering the love between you two than the feelings of guilt and shame. Tred, I'm sure, would also appreciate you putting him first.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 1:51 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I've asked twice why you did what you did and crickets from you, SandAway. What are you running from?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5977 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Admitting that here was really brave, and shows (IMO) that you want to get to the bottom of it.

The others made great points, I won't pile on.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

SandAway

What may scare you is that I have had this urge to google my AP as recently as a few months ago. This urge has only cropped up when I am feeling lonely or negative in some way. It is fortunately rare. I know that any contact would be destructive not just to my BH but to me. I know that whether he is dead or alive, successful or miserable , married or single, it doesn't matter.
So I remember that when I did this years ago, I only felt 100x worse after. Not to mention the dagger it put in my BH.

NC means no new hurts. For true.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thanks everyone.

MissesJai, I am not running from anything. I honestly felt it was out of boredom. I am trying to look beyond that.

Aubrie, he doesn't matter. I would love to have read that he died in a car crash or that his wife left him. I honestly feel he has not suffered at all from the A. And yes, it pisses me off, but what can I do, not a damn thing. Your right, I shouldn't give a rats ass about him.

My thoughts of him are not roses and rainbows. Only the hurt that was caused by my A are in my thoughts. I see Tred suffer though his love for me everyday and every night. Not a night goes by where he isn't holding me in bed while his mind goes to the movies. Those movies involve me and would never be there if it wasn't for my A. Those movies cause him to trigger physically. His body reacts, twitching and triggering, yet he holds me tighter until he can finally fall asleep. And often, it continues though the night. It just tears me apart...

It is hard not to feel like shit when I watch Tred suffer so much. I usually pick myself up and keep going. I have never really thought about how I am feeling at a particular moment and how I react to that feeling. That's why the comment by badchoice (as well as Mrs Panda) has made me pause and think.

stilllovinghim, Thanks, you gave me some stuff to think about also. BTW, I do text, email & call Tred throughout the day. And it helps quite a bit.



fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thank you for responding. It bears repeating that your breaking NC goes beyond boredom. There's something else there - something either you can't see or don't want to see. I know how hard it is to see your BH hurting. I remember those days well. Keep working, keep digging.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5977 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I agree that boredom is not a good reason. There was a thought, however fleeting, that you had that led you to search him. It may be shameful to admit to yourself.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

he doesn't matter
No Sand. That's not true. If it was, than this:
I would love to have read that he died in a car crash or that his wife left him. I honestly feel he has not suffered at all from the A. And yes, it pisses me off, but what can I do, not a damn thing.
wouldn't have been said. You contradict yourself.

I know what it's like to see your hubby's pain. I see QS's pain.

I agree that it was nervy of you to post this. It's hard to 'fess up when you know everyone here will be on you like dots on dice. Keep digging. You can do it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6308 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Boredom is also a chemical reaction, or rather the impetus to search for one. Opioids. They're released when we are exposed to something new or dig deeper into something we enjoy.

Sitting at a desk for long hours may make someone bored. I can see that. What that person grabs onto to assuage that feeling is what, I'd think, would be the question. Why him? What are you missing that you've somehow linked to him?

If he truly didn't matter to you he'd not be on the list of something "to do" when bored.

Wasn't going on AM something you did when you were bored? I may have you confused with someone else, if so, I apologize.

There are literally endless things that are fascinating if we find the time to research, study, learn about. Googling him was a hit. You recognized it and regretted it but there's still a link your brain recognizes that as something that will get rewarded when entertained, and it's strong enough that your BH's pain wasn't enough of a deterrent.

Like MJ, aubrie, and others have pointed out, that has to be explored and evicted.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Sand, I'm only speaking from my own experience here, when I would think of AP I imagined just punching myself in the face at a rapid pace or banging my head into the steering wheel over and over and this went on for nearly a year. Daily. Every few seconds, sometimes minutes, later hours and slowly days.

I started trying to think of my H instead. My brain would jump back to the AP, I'd get those feelings of anger and disgust and embarrassment at myself and at him, then I'd jump back to my H. AP would come back in again and that goddamn hopscotch seemed to never end. I'd envision the AP as a steaming pile of shit with flies buzzing around him.

These little mind fucks, I thought, were what I was supposed to deal with, suppossed to be normal, right? Hate and rage for the AP and myself, right? Well, one day on SI I was posting about something similar and I think it was Clarissa who told me this, " The objective is NOT to hate the AP. The objective is INDIFFERENCE".

I was like, and I didn't know quite then how exactly to get to that point BUT, I had a goal! For myself, I don't know about others here, but for myself, I went from hating the AP, to actually feeling bad for him and anyone he has a relationship with (pitty for AP was because I knew he'd never change and never know the joys these changes can bring) then later, I just didn't give a shit.

I stopped caring one way or another. Stopped worrying about how unfair it was he "got away Scott free" stopped the tortureous mind games of hopscotch hell, stopped pittyng him and any of his future relationships and the thoughts became less and less frequent and my give a fuck 'o meter was empty.

It took a long time and when he does enter my mind, which, nowadays it's caused by a trigger in a movie or show with infidelity, I literally picture myself swatting the memory away like a fly.

I don't know what your journey will be like, everyone's is different, but maybe what will help you is what helped me. Learn to not give a flying rats ass. Break your give a fuck 'o meter.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 6:44 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

When I saw my AP in town a week later (first time since prior to DDay), I felt nothing but remorse for my A.

Actual remorse or shame? Because there is a difference.

It seems as if there is something you are holding onto. It may not be a torch for the AP himself, but maybe the feelings that the A may have given you that have vanished since DDay. Maybe the things he said to you. The way he made you feel about yourself. There might be certain aspects if the A that you have a particular fondness for that fueled your curiosity.

Even wanting to see that he has died a violent death gives him power over you. Like SLHim stated, indifference is the ultimate goal. Dig deep and find out why you are Really curious about him and his family. Are you hoping to find some clue that he is having a hard time living without you?

Boredom was not your motivation. It's your excuse.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Once again, I thank you wise WS's. You all are ones that I truly admire and it means a lot to me that you have taken the time to comment and help me dig beyond the 'being bored' comment. I posted this because I know I needed some good 2x4's and it is helping quite a bit. I don't post much on SI, but I do read every day - especially the WS forum.

Yes, I was on AM , and it is where I would go when I was bored and wanted instant validation. It is a shameful part of my A that is difficult to deal with, but I certainly don't miss it. Tred gives me all the validation I need and then some.

Indifference is key. I know that. I have heard that many times and I can see that I am not quite there yet. I thought I was, but obviously I am not. It is where I must take myself. I don't carry a torch for my AP nor do I hope he misses me, because I know he doesn't. He had other AP's besides me. But hating him is still giving him power and I truly don't want him to have any power over me and our R.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

In MC SA(f?)WH and I have been exploring the impact of Family of Origin and childhood coping mechanisms. The others were right about asking you to think about what is going on in your body when you feel the impulse to look into this stuff. Think about how, in your childhood, you acted out when you were "bored." Did you do things to hurt people? Did you do things that were self destructive and unhealthy? Did you hide this behavior from authority figures?

Some guesses here:

*enjoying the relative anonymity of a web search to satisfy your craving for an update
*the secrecy (of the web search, the affair, etc.)
*avoiding taking true responsibility for the pain experienced by everyone betrayed by the A in which you took part

I like this quote I found in Wikihow about making amends.

"Making amends is about trying to repair or compensate for something you did wrong that harmed another person in some way, causing them to feel insulted, or to suffer a loss, injury, or some sort of damage. When you are in the wrong, clinging to misguided notions of a need to "preserve your reputation" at all costs, or simply being stubborn, are poor options when a relationship is at stake and the ball rests in your court to do something about it."

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:57 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Reading this I wondered if it isn't so much about your AP's importance to you but perhaps a need to have been important to him?

These 2 statements jumped out at me.

I saw an article where he was interviewed and he mentioned things that I didn't know, so I became curious and searched.

How did you feel when you read that interview and there were things about him you didn't know?

I don't carry a torch for my AP nor do I hope he misses me, because I know he doesn't. He had other AP's besides me.

That comes across with some bitterness, so....Does it bother you to think that he doesn't miss you or that he had other AP besides you?


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

SA,
I say this with the utmost of care and compassion;
If you do not change your ways of coping with conflict by avoidance and hiding your marriage will have hard time reconciling and eventually fail. You are messing with the trust factor of your relationship by the way you handle things of this capacity.
Boredom was thrown out there for a bone to chew on. The real deal is you have not yet fixed the very thing that made you betray your husband in the first place. Sure it was exposed and sure you did some work, but this is a continual process. You have to make sure you are doing the things that genuinely make your husband feel safe. Not lure him into a false sense of security.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2535 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
noescape
Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

What fm said. Honestly acknowledging our brokenness is only the start if starting to work on those issues. Surface passes at fixing stuff will only result in more pain and brokenness. Much like rug sweeping the A itself, or actually, far more dangerous, is rug sweeping the underlying issues (external validation, self esteem)

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Something is just off Sand. You're still hiding. Still deflecting. FRM nailed it. Read his post again. And seriously think about it.

Have you ever given Tred the full truth? Does he know every single thing? Have you done a timeline? Offered a poly? Have you been 100000000% honest about everything? I've watched Tred's posts and it's evident, he doesn't feel he has the whole story. (Ya know that gut feeling?) I can't imagine what he's feeling. The hidden truths. Only you know them. He has no clue of the depth of your A and everything around it. Because you're still hiding. You're still in self-preservation mode.

Look, you can't rebuild unless you have completely knocked down the old building. You can't have random partial walls and piles of rubble and expect to rebuild on that. You do that IRL and the building inspector will reject it, make you demo, and restart all over again.

Sand, you're running out of time. Do you realize that? Every day you hide, every day you minimize, every day you pretend you don't have this huge gaping wound is one step closer to the end.

Are you happy with you? Have you graduated from IC or did you walk away because you can't stand to look in the mirror?

QS and I have followed you and Tred for a long time. Maybe cause we have close Ddays. We are rooting for y'all.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:16 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6308 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

SA,

I am curious as to why, after all your time here, you didn't tell him? He had to ask you. You knew that you had broken NC, why did you not offer up this info to him?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
noescape
Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Eta: Sorry, double posted my old post.

Damn iPhone.

[This message edited by noescape at 7:29 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

but this is a continual process

FRM, you are right, it is a continual process. I do not feel that I am done working on myself and I continually try to make Tred feel safe. I fucked up. I know that and I hate that I did. Posting here has made me realize that I still have work to do on myself. As I said before, I felt that I was doing OK with not giving a shit about my AP. But obviously googling him shows that I have not completely let go. Indifference is where I want to be. I seem to have stopped at HATE and I felt comfortable there. It is time to move on to INDIFFERENCE.

No Aubrie, I don't feel that I have 'graduated' from IC and it's not because I can't stand looking in the mirror. I stopped going because she felt we were done, not me. She is more of a life coach then someone who understands infidelity. If I was still seeing her and told her about this situation, she would say something like 'you had a weak moment'. She wouldn't be sitting with me digging. But she helped me look at my past & understand my coping mechanisms. I looked for a new IC and they all seemed to be like my old one.

TG, I didn't tell him because I knew it was something I should not have done. I was ashamed.

I am not perfect but I am trying my best to become a better person then I was. As I said before, I still have much work to do.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Yes, I was on AM , and it is where I would go when I was bored and wanted instant validation. It is a shameful part of my A that is difficult to deal with, but I certainly don't miss it.

How would annonymous strangers wanting to hook up provide validation? Are you sure it was that or was it excitement and risk?

Do you consider people sport? I know that sounds really snarky but I'm legitimately asking. I'm asking because I can understand it. People are fascinating.

I love horses. I have riden my whole life, just about. I found being around them and working with them amazing. I learned about them. Would watch them interact with others. Who they followed. How they communicated. The ear point. The flared nostril. The nicker...squeal....snort. All very distinct and different. By learning I could read them and enjoy them. I could also manipulate them and get them to do what I wanted them to do.

Would that be something you were doing? Seeing how you could get men to respond to you? The harder the task the more interesting it became?

I have wondered if that's why you see some "performing" acts not normally in the repertoire. Not because they're fun but because they work to get a certain result.

I wouldn't wear spurs at my job and find them cumbersome and noisy. I do get results with them, though....only when I ride, of course. Have considered them while parenting, not gonna lie.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 29th (Monday)

This is a really good read. Sand, I see alot of my own struggles in your current dilemma. Sort of a parallel track in my overall recovery efforts...the reconciling of myself with the xAP part of things. Striving and struggling to find that indifference...and even to just forgive her for her limitations, her ugliness, her brokenness, and her deep inner sadness, is a process and one which I wish there was an easy, fast track for. As has been pointed out here, not the case.

Stilllovinghim has TWO posts on this thread that get to the root, for me, of the clinging and negative cyclical "mind fucking", and the healthy parting of ways with that behavior which allows the good stuff to take hold, and true recovery to begin.

Great thread. I leave the country for a week and a half and all sorts of great stuff (yes, tough stuff) awaited me upon my return. JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 31