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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I'm a sucker
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

So The Princess finally decided she should confess that she's in a relationship with our ex-neighbour - just in case I heard it somewhere else - because the entire city talks about her, of course! (sarcasm)

After telling me this, she asked how it made me feel. I said it didn't make me as sad as I thought, but gave me a little empty feeling in my chest (I know, too much information to offer up to her).

She suddenly collapsed weeping in my arms. I'm not sure why.

My feelings for her didn't change. I would still never take her back. I still feel a lot of anger and hate deep in my soul. But goddamn it felt good to hold her.

I know.

It won't happen again. I promise. Next time she starts to weep and fall toward me, I'll step aside and let her hit the carpet.

Just made myself giggle.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Pass,

I'm sorry you are in this place and that your hurting.

Reading your last two lines, i giggled too.

thank you so much for that


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

God damn, she is the most dysfunctional woman I've ever heard of. She's got the maturity and emotional intelligence of a fifteen year old girl.

I can see where it would be very difficult to disentangle yourself from her and her antics. It's easy from the outside looking in, but I read a lot of your posts and I truly believe she has emotionally abused you for many years.

I'm happy that you recognize that you need to pull even further away when she tries to lay this drama queen victim bullshit on you. You've come a long way already. Just keep it up and one day, she will realize that you are no longer a participant in the crazy.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2794 | Registered: Jan 2011
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thanks guys.

suckstobeme, I totally agree with ALMOST everything you said. When I see what some others have gone through on here, I am extremely hesitant to use the word "abuse", but she has definitely fucked with my emotions a hell of a lot.

Thank you for telling me I've made progress. I'm really feeling like I have.

And it's nice to hear someone else call her crazy. She's been capitalizing on my depression, etc. to make me feel like the crazy one. Of course, I am a LITTLE crazy, and willing to admit it.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think it's abuse. I don't think you're a sucker. I think you've been victimized & traumatized.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Pass,
I understand wanting that feeling of being held or to hold someone. The night I let my husband back in bed (for our false R) he held me all night. He had not done that in years. He didn't do it again through our 15 month false R.

I still crave that sometimes but I need to remember that the man who just held me because he loved me has been gone a long time.

You have made great progress understanding her very messed up ways and not letting them hurt you. You can be proud of that.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I think it's abuse. I don't think you're a sucker. I think you've been victimized & traumatized.

^^THIS. It is abuse pass. With a little self-abuse put in for good measure.

Please.Stop.Talking.To.Her.Dude.

Please.

It is up to you how painful this needs to get. I think it is painful enough now, don't you?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Thank you.

StrongButBroken and Nature_Girl, maybe you're right. The pain has definitely gone on long enough. I need to take more action.

She is very proud of the fact that we are still "friends". She says only idiots have "unfriendly" divorces. Maybe it's time for me to be an idiot.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

She is very proud of the fact that we are still "friends". She says only idiots have "unfriendly" divorces.
My stbxww tried this as well. It's still a form of cake eating. My STBX forget to add to those types of statements that only idiots go around blowing up their family for no good reason either.


Oh yeah I did some foul shit to you but we can still be friends right. We are both adults.


I told her friends don't do what you did to me. Pass, find your "inner asshole" and embrace it. You don't have to change who you are at your core but when people do foul shit to you and have no remorse about it it's okay to choose not to deal with them anymore. If you have kids then kids and finances are the only discussion topics. Anything else gets a blank stare, the I was on my way out line, crickets for response, or good luck I hope that works out for you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:03 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

You don't have to be rude by you also don't have to tolerate her bullshit anymore. You don't have to be around her anymore.

She is manipulating you into being friendly with her so as to keep up her ego kibble supply. Of course she doesn't want you to cut her off.

She has breached your boundaries numerous times. You would not allow another to do this now would you.

You are divorcing because she is a lying/cheating/POS. That is not why you need to distance yourself. You don't want to interact with her because she is doing weird, inappropriate and downright cringeworthy things.

It is also delaying/derailing your healing. I don't think you need to do a big announcement about it. Actions not words is relevant to BS's too.

When she tries to breach a boundary you can say "Actually, I'd rather you not [come in/speak like that/discuss those things with me/etc etc.]. You will need to respect my boundaries here as I will respect yours".

She wants to be friends for her benefit - not yours. You wouldn't be friends with a person who pulled half the shit she pulls.

That's the beauty of divorce - we don't have to deal with their bullshit anymore.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Don't let her suck you into that.

Listen, there are all kinds of post divorce relationships. I'm an attorney and have the unfortunate opportunity to witness first hand how ugly some of these situations get. People fighting over every plate and fork and putting the kids in the middle of their hatred. It's toxic, very stressful and very difficult for everyone involved. You don't want that. The big shit sandwich that we are served on a regular basis? Most of us will take a bite in order to avoid this kind of ugliness and not hurt the kids any more.

On the other end of that spectrum are the people who I suppose have found friendship post divorce. Of the few couples I know, there was no infidelity involved. The marriages ended because they were mismatched and could not get along as a couple. Friendship did not occur right after they D though. It took a few years to get to a place where they can chit chat, laugh and be in the same room when necessary for the kids. Again, this is not easy and not something I've seen when the pain and cruelty of infidelity poisoned the marriage.

Then, there is what we strive for - detachment. You can certainly co parent with an ex without being friends. You don't have to be nasty or unreasonable, but you also don't have to give her any more than she deserves. My ex and I? We never talk about anything but the kids. Never. And I don't contact him for little issues. I tell him what he needs to know. That's it. No more, no less. We don't ask how each other is doing and no personal information is ever shared. We are not mean to each other, but he certainly doesn't count as my friend. In the beginning, he was convinced we would always be friends. He was very wrong. This is the way it needs to be for my own emotional health and I won't allow him to ever compromise that again.

Pass, friends don't stomp all over your heart and then eat it for dinner. She is a very messed up woman who somehow feels better about her horrible choices whenever you give her the slightest bit of attention. Stop doing that. It's not your place to make her feel better any more. Grown ups are supposed to face and clean up their own messes.. Her idea of being your friend is not genuine. It's only so she can sleep a wee bit better at night and so the people in her life don't think she's as awful as she really is.

Focus on you, your kids and your real friends who are there to help and listen and give you genuine concern.

Friends? She needs a real lesson in what that word means.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2794 | Registered: Jan 2011
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

You are doing amazing! Hugs!


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Thanks guys. I come here and I feel so empowered. It's time to take some of that feeling to the outside world.

SI helped me get the strength to tell her I wanted a divorce; it helped me get the strength to move out; it helped me get the strength to stop phoning her for comfort. Now I just have to detach a little better.

I can do this.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 26th (Friday)

She has the kids this weekend. I was supposed to be going on a weekend trip with a friend, so she is keeping them for the weekend, and then I will have them from Tuesday to Sunday.

This will be the third time since March 1 that I've had a weekend to myself. I don't complain because I love hanging out with my boys, but I have been looking forward to my weekend off.

So what does she do? At 8:00 tonight, I received a text from her telling me how the boys are misbehaving - just like she has always done when I have the nerve to enjoy some time to myself.

I wasn't strong enough to give her crickets, but I was happy with my response: Be strong.

And that's all I wrote. No response from her, which is even better.

Now I'm just waiting for 13 to start sending me texts about how nasty she is behaving. I know it will come. She always manages to draw me in somehow.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, July 26th (Friday)

This is a special kind of torture.

For the first few months the sad clown would call and put my very upset little girls on the phone crying that they wanted to be with me.

It killed me.

He would call and tell me he was bringing them over because they didn't want to be with him. I took them. They seemed fine. I asked and he had made it all up. To get the day 'off' or to torture me.

I will give you the advice that was given to me.

The more you engage in the crazy the worse they will make it for your kids - they aren't trying to hurt your kids they are trying to hurt you and don't give a shit that it is hurting your kids.

Stop engaging. Stop feeding the crazy.

The last time the sad clown asked me to 'rescue' him I told him he needed to man-the-fuck-up and deal with his kids or he needed to give me more custody. I wasn't going to rescue him anymore.

The bullshit has now stopped. He knows he can't torture me with that shit anymore without me using it to rescue my kids from him permanently. That would not be good for his image as the devoted father so he backed off.

They are normal boys. They have feelings and emotions and they sometimes don't 'behave'. So-the-fuck-what? Parenting is about navigating this stuff. If she doesn't want to be a parent let her know you would be more than happy to alleviate her of that responsibility.

Stop fucking rescuing her dude. She is using it to suck you back in. This shit will escalate as long as you allow it.

I'm not saying it is your fault that she is a shit mother. I am saying that it is NOT your responsibility. Talk to your boys. Crickets for her. If you need to do something about it then talk to your L, their IC - anyone/everyone and find out how you can get your boys out of this toxic situation.

If you can't then you deal with them - not her. You try to help them - not her.

I hate this as much as you do brother - please understand you cannot make her be a good or even a competent mother. Only she can do that. Allowing yourself to be sucked into this does not help you or your boys.

((pass))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

You're right, Strong. I have to remember that I can't stop her from being a shit mother. She's not dangerous or abusive to our boys, but she is a real arsehole!

I'll keep monitoring the situation, but not let her drag me in. Nothing I would like better than to eventually have my boys full-time, but I don't want them to go through what would have to happen for that change.

Hate her!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Pass,

My XH did the same crap in the beginning. When I told him I would take them off his hands IF he gave up custody. Well lets just say he had a spiritual experience. He never again asked to be rescued. I had to help my kids make a bad situation good. Therapist helped them to feel empowered at his house, by giving them strategies to cope. We had a plan if they felt so awful and they NEEDED to come home. I would get them. They've only used that for very severe instances when things got physical between NW and her son. That was many years later. I am their safety net, and will continue to be...after they try their best to handle the dysfunction on their own using the coping skills they've learned.

Sorry for the t/j.
Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5070 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Your boys are getting to an age where they'll get to choose who they stay with. I think its 13 in Australia, find out what the age is where you are.

If she keeps pulling this shit she will lose them - they won't want to spend time with her.

Start documenting everything now.

You have to stop letting her suck you in. The next time she sms/emails you you give her crickets. If she tries to talk to you about it in person you tell her they are great kids and you have no idea why she struggles so much with them and that you are more than happy for more custody. Re-iterate these discussions in writing so you have a record. Full stop. No more discussion.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thanks. I want to do this; I really do. For some reason though, I just can't seem to leave it alone.

I got sucked in again today. She felt the need to text me about a problem she was having with 10 asking me to phone her. Of course, I did.

It was a ridiculous argument they were having, and he "just wouldn't let go". Of course not! He's 10, and has ADHD. It's her job to say, "We're not talking about that anymore", and then enforce it.

Instead, she locked herself in her room and texted me on one of my extremely rare weekends alone. This is the second time this weekend, and like an idiot, I called her. She keeps pulling me in, and I keep letting her!

I'll keep working on those crickets.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

It stops when you say it stops.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Pass,

Only answering her once, is progress. Look how many times you used to answer her calls.

Not many of us can go cold turkey with NC. The next time she contacts you is an opportunity to start NC all over again and break your previous record.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5070 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Do you think she senses you pulling away, Pass?

I could be wrong, but I wonder if she feels distance and is trying to reel you back in again?

I'm glad you are aware of her shenanigans.

For a time, nearly ExH came with tears and actually showed emotion, but I think it was play acting and when he was trying to fix things up with OW.

It's terribly hard to become immune, I wish there was a shot for it!

Like Kajem says, every contact she makes is a new chance, though very hard, indeed. I actually have withdrawal symptoms even though I am fully aware of the pain...either way there is pain and I have to choose the "better" one.

She sounds like a great actress.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Yep, and the apple didn't fall far from the tree. She and the boys are over at her parents for supper right now. I just got a text from 13:

I just told Poppa that Jesus didn't exist, and his response was, "FUCK OFF, 13! YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT RELIGION!"

Poppa really needs to think about WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) in this situation. I'm sure Jesus would scream at the teen as well.

Of course, I want to call and tell Poppa and The Princess to stop bullying my kid. 13 would probably get in shit for sending me that text, but I'm wondering if this is really a time for me to practice my crickets, or if I need to deal with this situation.

Poppa has always had a foul mouth, and 13 has had him figured out for years. I remember at age four 13 told me, "Poppa doesn't know as much as he thinks he does."

13 made some jokes with me after the first text, so I know this isn't all that surprising or upsetting for him, but it just ain't right.

Should I call The Princess to discuss?

However, I don't think it will make a bit of difference either way.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

NO! DO NOT CONTACT THE PRINCESS OR POPPA!!!!!!!!!!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I say don't call. Talk with your child when he/she comes home about what is or isn't appropriate to say in that situation. You could even text the child and let them know that you are sorry he/she is in an uncomfortable position, but you'll deal with it as a team on Sunday. Support your child emotionally, but step away from her and her crazy. And her family's crazy too apparently.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

When 13 gets home you most certainly should have conversations with him about the appropriate way to handle differences of religious opinion.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

That's good advice, thanks.

They've always thought Poppa was a curmudgeon, and have just let him away with shit like this forever. If I say anything, they'll all just think I'm crazy!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

pass, I'm sorry that the princess and poppa are such fucks. I wouldn't talk to either of them...where will it really get you?
But talking to 13 and continuing to help him with coping mechanisms...being his safe and stable place to fall is what he needs.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4620 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

You're right, tesla. Neither Poppa, nor The Princess like being challenged. It causes the attractive rage like this. And worse yet, 13 would probably catch shit for telling me.

Assholes!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

That is so fucking disgusting. I'm livid for you! He is 13 FFS - what a fucking bully!

Crickets friend. Reasoning hasn't helped thus far - it won't help now.

Help your son - those other two fuckturds are not worthy of your energy.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

It won't happen again. I promise. Next time she starts to weep and fall toward me, I'll step aside and let her hit the carpet.

yes, it made me giggle, too.


Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Argh! God, I can't stand this woman. She keeps trying to pull me in. Every day - every friggin day of this weekend - she has sent me a text about the boys. Last night I was on my way to play at my weekly open stage (which she knows happens at the same time every week!), when I got the following text.

Tomorrow when I drop off the boys, we need to talk about 10. Nothing serious, we'll discuss it then.

In the five months since I moved out, this is only the second time I've been alone for a weekend, and she contacted me EVERY DAY with shit like this! I gave her crickets this time, but it didn't stop me from stressing about it.

She drops the boys off in four hours. Should I address this with her?

ETA: She did the same thing when I went to my open stage last week. It's like she's TRYING to ruin any possible fun I could have.

[This message edited by pass at 6:27 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Nope. Cut off her supply. Kids/finances only is one thing but she is using them as weapons. Time to go to sms/email only and you only respond to things that need responding to.

If she tries to discuss 10 you ask her to put it in writing - all comms in writing from now on. You don't have to defend or justify it. When she goes off:

"I hear what you are saying but I disagree. I am insisting on all communication via text or email except in case of medical emergency".

If she says "you don't answer me" - you just keep repeating "all communication via text or email - I have made this clear. It is not up for discussion".

Repeat until she leaves.

No mention of the harassment at the weekend. Nothing. End of story. Goodbye. Please leave.

DO NOT LET HER GOAD YOU.

Purge it all here when she is gone. Think about what you are going to post. Do not say anything further to her no matter what she says.

Make sure you have VAR or your phone recording in case she tries to pull anything. I have several recordings of discussions with the sad clown - in the early days I listened to them to remind myself of the fuckery I was avoiding by maintaining NC.

IMO its time. High time.

ETA next time you have free time you have a friend vet the texts - they can delete anything that is not a medical emergency.

Close the bakery friend - there's an emotional bakery as well as a physical one. Burn that fucker down.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:47 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Yeah, I'm an idiot. During drop-off today, I decided to go out in the hall and tell her how it ruins my time alone when she sends me texts complaining about the boys. I think I got my point across pretty well.

Told her that I only want to hear complaints about the boys for sickness or injury. No more "They're lucky to be alive!" texts.

Her reaction: Her face started to show rage, then it switched to sadness, then she started weeping. "I didn't know I was so annoying!"

Weep, weep, weep some more.

She was obviously trying to figure out the best way to make me feel bad. Didn't work. I should have just sent her a text like y'all told me to. I'm a slow student.

We'll see how this works.

ETA: I always think that all these things can be solved just by talking sensibly. That's rarely the case with her.

[This message edited by pass at 10:15 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
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Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

There is no reasoning with crazy. You know this. You'll drive yourself crazy trying.

Watch the drama increase now that she knows she can get a rise out of you this way. Oh man.

If its any consolation I had to learn the hard way too. It felt wrong to not advocate for my girls and stand up for myself until I realised my energy was completely wasted in his direction and I didn't have to convince him to agree to my boundaries anymore - I just had to live them.

Please.stop.petting.the.Drama.Llama!!!


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Can't seem to leave that fucking llama alone!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 36