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User Topic: Dating a non-parent type?
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I met a lovely woman on eH, we have been out six or seven times over the last two months. She lives about 45 minutes away, is seven years older than me, has never been married and has no children. She still lives in her apartment from grad school. Has a very active social life, does whatever she wants when she wants, etc. She has been very open that she is not a motherly type at all, and has little interest in raising children. Her idea of a relationship / marriage is one where each partner does their own thing all day, then reconnects at the end of the day to talk and support each other.

On the flip side we connect extremely well on an intellectual and spiritual level. We are attracted to each other and have a lot of fun together.

We have hit a decision point where we need to decide if this will get serious (i.e. introduce her to kids). I am very reluctant as I envision a family where everyone spends lots of time together, with both myself and their stepmom being active, engaged parents.

Has anyone here dated someone that was really hands off with their kids? Is there success stories?

I am leaning toward ending things soon, but thought I might gather some SI opinions support first. Thanks.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I have no experience but

3 beautiful young children

If they don't melt her heart on contact, I say it's a nonstarter. Perhaps she will make a good friend?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19970 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

She has been very open that she is not a motherly type at all, and has little interest in raising children.

I think this is your answer here. She has been honest about her feelings about kids. In order for you two to have a successful relationship, she'd have to change her personality completely and embrace your kids. That's a very difficult task for somebody who feels the way she does.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13707 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
why2008
Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I didn't marry till I was 35 and I can tell you that while I liked kids they were like complete aliens to me.

She is being open and honest with you... and if you have three young children whoever you are involved with will have a great effect on their lives. If she does not connect with them they will think it is their fault.

There is nothing bad or wrong with her or her feelings or thoughts, you two are just on different life paths.


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4072 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

XSO did not want kids, I have 4. He wanted to date me knowing I came with kids. We were online friends first. When he met my kids,we were dating about 5 months. They were 13,13,11,9-all girls.

We were together for 8 years. He ended it because quote he "would never be first in my life". It had nothing to do with the girl half his age he was involved with.

I was constantly having to explain my kids to him. He did grow to love them. And they him. When he followed the same exact path XH did, the betrayal cut deeper.

Would I date someone without kids again? I would really need to think long and hard about it. XSO did not think about how his actions would affect the kids-something any parent would do. Isn't that your point?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 22nd (Monday)


Sorry double post

[This message edited by Kajem at 10:59 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thanks everyone. My dilemma is whether or not I should even introduce the kids to her. They have been through so much as xWW has had two SOs this past year, has moved twice, and now lives with a new SO and his daughter. I have been trying to keep things as calm as possible on my end. I am reluctant to introduce them to someone just to see how they get along if the signs are already there that it likely won't work out. I think they are in dire need of a strong mother figure, and will grow attached to a new SO very quickly. I am treading very carefully. Maybe too carefully perhaps, that I'm not sure about.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I had a close friend who sounds a lot like your lady friend, right down to her ideas on what a relationship should be and her views on children. She and her husband had a wonderful life together for a couple of years when they were first married.

Our group of friends were shocked when "S" told us that she was expecting a baby. What followed over the next few years could only be described as a train wreck.

Once that little baby arrived, "S" had no interest in her. Heaven knows she tried to fake it, but she just didn't have that mother gene, and somewhere before her kid's 2nd birthday, she just gave up. More effort was put into shuffling that kid off to anyone who would look after her than was put into any parenting.

That lack of maternal instinct caused a lot friction between "S" and her husband, who incidentally, tried his best to give that little girl a good life, but he worked long hours and really wasn't home much.

Long story short: 10 years later, "S" packed up and took off, leaving her husband and her daughter in one hell of a financial and emotional mess.

(This is when I considered "S" a non-friend.)

Traildad, your lady friend has said, in plain English, that she has little interest in raising kids. You have 3 kids to raise. I cannot see this ending well. I'm sorry.

SI wisdom: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I honestly don't think you can proceed with to much caution. I didn't introduce my kids till I had been dating for a few months. Stability was/is very important for my kids. Good luck


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

FWIW, I wouldn't bother introducing this lady to your dear children.

It sounds like they've had a lot to deal with already with their mother.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thanks all. This is really what I was already thinking, but as I venture out into the dating world, learning to trust my instincts is taking some time. It is nice to have my SI friends to help!

I think she views my raising children almost like a task or day job. That once I get them in bed, my job is done and then I could pay attention to her. That her and I could live life, and they would tag along. I have been very open with her about my concerns, and she insists it would all be fine, that her xbf had kids, etc.

My gut tells me to move on. I am not sure I have time or energy to give to someone at this point. I am not sure when I will find time to call her and break it off. It felt good to be liked and like someone, but I think I've learned that I need to keep my kids as my focus for the time being and not push the dating thing.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

If I were going to choose a partner and I had three active children, I would want that partner to be involved. You said she thinks the ideal relationship is to meet up at the end of the day? I think you would probably like her to be with you when you are at kids' games, recitals, etc., right? Your kids would never get close to her with a setup like that. I wonder why she keeps picking men that have children if she doesn't care to mother them? I also wonder if she really would like to be in a mother role but since she doesn't have any of her own, she has built up a wall?

[This message edited by cissi at 12:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 1387 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

As a woman who is completely uninterested in having kids, believe her when she tells you. Don't expect her to "fall for" or "melt" over your kids, beautiful or not. They're not hers, and if she doesn't want to be maternal with them, there's no reason she should be pushed into that.

If you're looking for a new mom for your kids, it sounds like this woman isn't it (and that's okay - she's allowed to not want to mother someone else's kids).

My SO has children. We are reading the book Stepmonster together and it's led to some good discussions. I would recommend it for you as well.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=stepmonster&sprefix=stepmons%2Caps&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Astepmonster&ajr=2


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13657 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

End the relationship. Take it from me, you cannot mold a non-parent type into a parent type. I tried with STBX. I should never have had children with him (although doggone it we sure did make some cute kids!). STBX is not a father, has no parenting instincts, and will very likely ruin these children by the time they are 18-years old.

Traildad, you need to find a woman out there who loves kids and would welcome yours into her life. I'm sure there are women like me in your area, women who love kids and thinks the more the merrier, women who would love to pile together at the end of the day with your kids and her, happy & tired & loving life. Your kids deserve a female role model, possibly even a stepmother, who would love them like her own.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9477 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

My dilemma is whether or not I should even introduce the kids to her.

IMO that is jumping the gun. Perhaps it would be better to wait to make any introductions until after you know it's serious.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Grace and Flowers
Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

It's for this reason that I won't even date someone who has never had kids. Even if they end up loving my kids, they just won't "get it", IMO. I also won't date someone my age (50) who has never been married.

No matter how much I like someone, there has to be some major common ground. Not only has she not had kids, she's clearly stated how she feels about them (kids in general).

Which is ok. But, perhaps, not the person you want to introduce to your own children.

Good luck.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1158 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

My gut tells me to move on

This tells you all you need to know but just in case you don't believe it...

6 -7 dates over 2 months is not enough to considering introducing young kids to someone you are dating.

My DS was 15 when I started dating TG. I viewed myself to be at the end portion of child raising. I gave serious consideration to not getting involved with TG because of his kids. (youngest was 7 at the time). I am a parent so I knew what was involved and it scared me. Someone w/o kids will have no idea what is really involved. She would have a tough time understanding.

It is really tough to be a step parent. I have considered ending my relationship with TG b/c of his kids. I can't imagine what someone w/o parenting experience and no interest in being a parent would go through.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8435 | Registered: Apr 2008
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

She has been very honest and upfront about what she wants and is capable of in terms of children. I think it's unfair of you to hope that she will change.

ETA: If she has no desire to be a "parent" to your children, then why do you want to introduce her to your children? It feels a little manipulative.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 5:47 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15307 | Registered: Jun 2006
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I'm 45 and never had kids, which is a choice that I regret. However, I would like to find someone with children- I don't want to be their mother, but I would like to participate in their lives.

With that said, it would still be difficult.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7515 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Do you want her long term or just for light fun for
awhile?

If long term: break it off now.

For light fun for right now: do not introduce to kids ever.


Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2009
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I feel like you, and your sweet kids, deserve better. There's nothing wrong with this woman not being maternal (and major kudos to her for being so open and self-aware) but don't you owe it to yourself AND your kids to wait for someone more compatible?

My new husband was a 35 yr old bachelor, never married, no kids, when we got together. I made it clear that 1. I was not having more children and 2. I only would entertain a future with someone who loved my kids as their own. If that wasn't for him, I understood.

We are very happily married and he is an amazing, devoted (step)father to my 3 kids who soak up his love after their father left. In his own words, they are not "my" kids, they're "ours".

Wait for someone that wants you AND your kids.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonde

Posts: 312 | Registered: Jun 2010
GrievingMommy
Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Listen to your gut (and everyone here). Time to walk away. You are not in the same place and situation in your lives.

I'm 35 with two four yr olds. My children already have a man in their life (their father) who is absent and pretty much never wanted them from the get-go. That is not what I want in a partner. I want someone who wants to be in my life and in my children's. I too want a person who is involved in our family life.

You can't make someone care about kids or love your kids. This woman has already told you how she feels. Resentment will build on both sides if you are forced to abide by her wish to stay distant, and she'll have resentment if she feels you pushing.

I think there are better matches for you out there. Definitely don't introduce your children to her.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

She said her XBF had kids. Why did that relationship end?


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I have two young adult kids and I adore children. That being said, I would not be ready to meet anyone's kids after 6-7 dates. Too risky for the kids under the best of circumstances.

And, she's been very honest - listen to what she's said, and definitely trust your gut.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4442 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I wouldn't introduce her. This might be conservative but I am planning on waiting 6 months to a year before introducing someone to my child. I think if they are the one they will respect my timeline. Depending on the age stability is important. People change look at our ex's she might change but I wouldn't count on it. Therefore if you are enjoying her company you can see how things are or if you don't have the time or emotional energy to wait it out which I can understand then I would let her go. Good luck!

Posts: 914 | Registered: Jul 2012
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I disagree that 6 or 7 dates is too soon to introduce kids. However,in your case it's not about the number of dates but about how she told you she feels about not wanting children.

It is really tough to be a step parent. I have considered ending my relationship with him b/c of his kids

^^^Me, too! Waiting TOO long to introduce kids is dicey. You are living parallel lives while dating, not fully knowing the other person's true lifestyle if you aren't around the children.

I think it's individual as to when children should be introduced. You know what is best for the kids,if they'll get attached too quickly to someone who will leave or if it's the right time and you'll bond as a group and this is going to last a long time.

I think you already have your answer in this relationship though. Find a woman who will embrace your true life,not the fantasy one she probably built up in her mind. My BFF is divorced because her childless, bachelor husband did that. Reality didn't match his fantasy.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 6:02 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)


Traildad, you need to find a woman out there who loves kids and would welcome yours into her life. I'm sure there are women like me in your area, women who love kids and thinks the more the merrier, women who would love to pile together at the end of the day with your kids and her, happy & tired & loving life. Your kids deserve a female role model, possibly even a stepmother, who would love them like her own.

^^^^Thank you, this summarizes my thoughts and hopes perfectly.

Thanks all. She ended up emailing me last night saying that she felt I wasn't giving her enough attention, that when I was with my kids it's as if she wasn't a priority. She said I didn't call enough, etc. I have since ended the relationship.

As many have stated here, I feel like someone who already has kids would "get" my situation better and might be a better fit. Moving onward.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 27