SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: The word "Affair" should never be used.
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Why do we use the word "affair" to describe betrayal and cheating?

"Affair" sounds light, romantic, wonderfully European, and an exciting adventure of the heart. It conveys NO subtext of the carnage it wreaks, or the monumental dishonesty that it requires.

I never refer to my wife's betrayal as "her affair." I refer to it as "her betrayal" or "her cheating." Much earlier in life she was cheated on by a boyfriend. She noted morosely that she thinks that what her boyfriend did was cheat, and what she did was have an affair.

Last week she spoke to a trusted member of her family about what had happened, and said "I had an affair." Her family member, who is a friend of the marriage, snapped back at her. "No, you had a lapse of ethics and reason. And you're an idiot."

Could we stop calling cheating acts "affairs?" Let's just call them what they are: betrayals. Words have power. The right words have real meaning.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
columbus66
New Member
Member # 39321
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

You said it...amen. The ugliest word should be used for it, because that is what it is...ugly.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Amen to that! I also have trouble with the word "affair". I am not even sure what to call my situation with WH cheating with prostitutes. I use the word betrayal or cheating, but wish there was an even uglier, stronger word. Please let me know if you have one!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I agree. I don't like the word "cheated" either though.
It makes it sound like the WS simply looked at someone else's cards during a game of poker.
No, not so much.
And it wasn't a mistake either. It was a decision.
My WS is coming to the realization that it was basically the dealbreaker that ruined his/our lives.
Once you put it in that context, it's definitely not an "affair".


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I like betrayal myself.

"I betrayed my husband."
"She betrayed my trust."
"I committed a betrayal."

While there's no word that I can think of to replace affair in "I had an affair", the sentences above cover pretty much every instance one would need in a discussion of marital treachery.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Agree, thank you!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

When bringing this up to my h or anyone, I refer to "it" as....".when he was fucking the bitch whore neighbor." And NO this is not meant to be funny, it is really what I say to him and everyone else when I bring it up.

You are very right......the word affair sounds like a Cinderella fantasy, and it doesn't convey all the destruction it has caused my marriage over the last 9 years. So might as well throw it out there like it really is....not a fairytale fantasy.


Posts: 2445 | Registered: Sep 2005
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Her family member, who is a friend of the marriage, snapped back at her. "No, you had a lapse of ethics and reason. And you're an idiot."

I love this person!


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1795 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I don't use the word "affair". I call it his "dumpster-diving expedition". To me, this is a fairly accurate description of what he did and who he did it with.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

"No, you had a lapse of ethics and reason. And you're an idiot."
👏 God, I love that person!

Personally, I call it "when H fell into the ho-hole". 😁


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Committed adultery has more accurate connotations.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

When my WH confessed to his mom (who is now currently the BGF in her relationship), he said "I cheated on mysticpenguin." I was really glad he didn't say it any other way. "Affair" is a euphemism if you ask me. Call it what it is; tear away the shroud and expose the ugliness to the light!


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I never use that word either, for the reasons you listed. I call it "the adultery", "the great deceit", his "whoremonger days", "porkfest", among other things.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9717 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

"Affair" sounds light, romantic, wonderfully European, and an exciting adventure of the heart. It conveys NO subtext of the carnage it wreaks, or the monumental dishonesty that it requires.

Bingo! I've said almost the same exact thing. Yes, it romanticizes it and even lends an air of legitimacy to something so destructive.

I called my XWW's betrayal the "arrangement". The arrangement defined as trading sex for flattery.

Affair - fuck that. Makes it seem like it's something out of a romantic comedy.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Yep. I feel the same way. Affair sounds like a party. As in , "Many celebrities attended the affair."

What my WH and his married howorker did was to cheat, lie, and expose to disease the people who trusted them and to whom they made commitments. They risked their families. They neglected their children. They took away the life their families should have had. This was no social event.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
abigailadams
Member
Member # 37556
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

In mediation, I said something about my stbx having an affair and he screamed out, "I am NOT having an affair, I am having a relationship."

I wish now I had said "you are the one committing adultery" as it would have had more weight and been harder to deny or twist.


Me BS 54
Him WS 51
Married 10 years together 13
DDay October 11, 2012

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Brooklyn, NY
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I agree. It is a betrayal above all, and a betrayal is the hardest thing to forgive because nothing hurts so much.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1312 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

YES! Thank you! You are absolutely correct! I never used the word "affair" either but never really thought about why I didn't. I think you hit the nail on the head. Affair sounds so "airy" or something. I usually say "He committed adultery or infidelity) but I will now replace that with betrayal. That word is so much more accurate. Thank you for bringing this up!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 18