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Just Found Out
User Topic: Rugswept and Not Allowed to Express Feelings
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Angry  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I had my whole story typed out when my power went out and I'm feeling so low today I can't quite summon the energy to rewrite everything.

Long story short, my WH of 6 months had a ONS with my (ex) friend the day after we took our vows (Married Jan 9th, had A jan 10th). He confessed to me a month and a half later in late February after I'd made a comment about separating from him becaus his attitude and behavior were abhorrent and affecting my work and school life negatively.

The woman he slept with was someone he had expressed interest in before we started dating but was rejected by. I found out that she did in fact like him after we were married and it sort of freaked me out because I'd always been insecure about her and him because I was his second choice (Plus they spent a lot of time together because her and I were friends). I asked him about it in passing one morning and he got really nervous and admitted that he had known but it didn't matter because he was with me. Later that same day she sent me a nasty text saying I was never her real friend because I didn't ask her to date my WH all those years ago.

Lots of arguing and tears followed his confession and in early March I left for my parents' home and stayed for a week with NC to figure out if I wanted to stay with WH or not. When we meet up again he tells me he slept with her while I was gone and I also find sext messages on his phone between him and an old ex FWB.

I decide to stay and work things out.

Currently we've been trying to R but he refuses to go to counseling for himself and us. He has told me on several occasions that he doesn't like for me to talk about the A, that he only cut off contact with her because I asked, and that I need to let it go and forgive him. He's been rugsweeping me like crazy. Because of this I've had a lot of resentment build up and the only way I can express my emotions when I get triggered is through anger and he has said he will not tolerate me being mean to him when it happens. He also no longer allows for me to look through his phone and refuses to hand it over when I ask for it.

Has anyone else had this happen? He wants to just forget about everything and expects for me to be fine and trust him immediately. It's been four months and I feel like the wound is still very fresh. I'm leaning towards leaving him now but always get sucked back in because on our good days we are good. I just have nobody to talk to because my friends and family said I have no self respect for staying with him and don't want to hear about it and makes me feel bad and tired everyday. I'm just so tired.

What am I supposed to do? I could really use some guidance right now. Thanks in advance.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

What am I supposed to do? I could really use some guidance right now.

Read about and implement the 180. You are in reconciliation but he is not.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4029 | Registered: Sep 2005
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Oh wow. Thank you, tearsoflove!

I've done almost all of it wrong up until now. In fact I may have done everything that list has said not to do.

man, this is rough.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Currently we've been trying to R but he refuses to go to counseling for himself and us. He has told me on several occasions that he doesn't like for me to talk about the A, that he only cut off contact with her because I asked,

Ditto to what Tears stated. You are not in reconciliation. You are in denial and rug sweeping.

You get to decide what YOU want and need to stay. If him going to counseling is a deal breaker and he won't go, then you have your answer.

Reconciliation is where the WS will do WHATEVER it takes to make the BS feel as if it is worth trying to salvage.

(((gently))) Why are you allowing him to call the shots? He cheated on you and he is driving the bus? This is only happening because you are allowing it to occur.

Take the power back and list your requirements for a true and meaningful reconciliation.

He also no longer allows for me to look through his phone and refuses to hand it over when I ask for it.

Why would you allow this? He needs to earn your trust back however possible. That means transparency on every level.

Fight for yourself. You deserved honesty and truth.

Good luck. Post often and stay strong.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
LovingFool
New Member
Member # 39090
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Hugs!!!!

I am so very sorry you found yourself here so soon after being married.

He is definitely rug sweeping and doesn't seem remorseful. He slept with her right after y'all got married. Then again when you left for a few days to think things over. WTF? My initial reaction is there are better fish in the sea. It seems like he has been deceptive your entire short lived marriage so far. I certainly don't mean to come across harsh. Obviously you love him and are in an a lot of pain right now.

Read a lot of the articles on this site. They have been a huge help. Make a list of things he needs to do to re establish your trust. If he can't do those, then maybe you need to re think R.

Above all, take care. Get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, take some vitamins, and take care of yourself.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married almost 15 years
Kids- 5
D-day - March 2013 and trickle truth for a few weeks after
Currently in R - I hope

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2013
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thank you for your response, Faith. I think I've allowed for him to take the reigns because I'm completely in over my head. I have no support from my friends or family and nobody to slap some sense into me.

As for the whole phone ordeal, he said this to me two nights ago when I asked for his phone after a movie. He got really defensive and asked why and that immediately made me suspicious because he hadn't been complaining before. He then told me he would no longer be giving me his phone as, and I quote, "transparency isn't a substitute for trust". He feels like my snooping is deterring me from trusting him even though I tried to explain to him that when I have concrete proof that he is being trustworthy it makes it so that I trust him a little more each day.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thank you, LovingFool, for your reply!

Yes, two weeks after his revelation I left because it was simply to painful to look at him everyday and also because my friend group in the area of about 4 or five people all knew about his cheating and had decided not to tell me. I just had to escape.

I then heard through another mutual friend that he was doing really bad so I contacted him (I'd had all communication from his end blocked) and we decided to work on things.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 5:20 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

First, I would say go in with your own set our requirements for reconciliation.

Do not allow him to call all the shots.

1. NC immediately with AP

2. IC for him and for you. Eventually MC.

3. Full transparency of what has occurred and why he feels it was the path to choose vs. being honest with you about concerns with the marriage. You are correct, there is no perfect marriage but one day after you took your wedding vows? Couldn't be faithful for one day?

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

He is in the fog and right now there are zero consequences for his selfish behavior.

"transparency isn't a substitute for trust"

Response: Transparency will help me see if I can ever trust you again. I have zero trust for you now because you chose to destroy it. Trust is earned not granted or demanded.

(((gently))I am not sure your age but I have two daughters and if they were in your shoes only 6 months after being married, I would be encouraging them to cut ties and run. Life is too short and your husband is behaving like an entitled ass.

Take care and stay strong.

Sending healthy hugs and prayers.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Sweetie from someone who has managed to R and is all for R I am going to give you the opposite advice.
This douche cheated on you the day after your wedding? Then he tells you that you just have to trust him?!?

Um No you don't and no you shouldn't. His reaction screams of continued cheating or a new A.

Run don't walk, RUN away from this asshole. Annul your M and get yourself into IC to figure out why you would allow a many to treat you like this so you learn and NEVER allow another man to treat you like this.

You can be happy and healthy but not with this guy.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8145 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

But you're not working on things. Rug sweeping sets a precedence in a relationship. By not identifying issues, showing remorse, and doing whatever you need to help you heal, he's holding onto whatever in him allowed him to cheat. Under those circumstances, it's usually not a matter of if he'll cheat again but when. Without the remorse and the work, the next justification to cheat will be easier.

180 and get yourself strong so you can decide what YOU want for yourself. If he pulls his head out of his ass while you're getting there, you can decide if he's worth working with.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4029 | Registered: Sep 2005
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thank you again Faith for your reply! I will definitely use that response when I talk to him later today. I'm 21 and I know I would give my own sister the same advise but sometimes it's so hard to follow your own.

I'm not sure what goes through WH head as he feels like he's been doing really well in trying to regain my trust by buying me things. He thinks that by being nice to me he is also being trustworhty. He stopped hanging out with that group of friends in which OW is part of and also stopped talking to the ex FWB but only at my behest. He feels like my being uncomfortable with him talking to them equates to me being controlling.

I think my primary issue with leaving is because I gave my virginity to this man. I waited until marriage so it could be special and it's just...not and that hurts so bad because now I'm damaged goods and if I ever get out of this marriage no one will want me because I've already been used.

Thank you also Tush for your reply! Packing up my things and getting out of this marriage is looking more and more appealing by the second. I feel like I just cant leave without trying to work on this. As far as I know he had absolutely zero reason to cheat and had never done so in our previous two years together. When I ask him his reason simply is, "I just wanted to do it because I would never be with another woman again". Sometimes I wonder if this man is a sociopath for his complete and utter lack of disregard for me.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Tearsoflove,the stuff you've said has made a lot of sense and really got my wheels turning in my head. He says his reason for cheating is because he'd never get a chance to be with another woman again so he might as well taken advantage of the opportunity when it presented itself. It's sick.

I've told him time and time again that I was going to resent him and that we would never be back to where we were but he just doesn't listen. He is more concerned about how HE feels when I get triggered or want to ask questions about the A.

And writing this all out has been really cathartic. Looking back over the things I have written has left me appalled at myself to think that I would let someone treat me this way.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Run don't walk, RUN away from this asshole. Annul your M and get yourself into IC to figure out why you would allow a many to treat you like this so you learn and NEVER allow another man to treat you like this.

You can be happy and healthy but not with this guy.

I am NOT a huge, "Cut bait and run" person. I stayed in my marriage for a very very long time.

But I agree with the above advice.

You have no children. Your marriage was over before it started.

You can choose one of two things: to put your trust in a man of such flimsy moral fiber (and the day after your wedding really does indicate this; if he can't manage to be faithful during the honeymoon phase of your marriage, when can he?), and build a completely new relationship (hint: rugsweeping will not permit this), or you can choose to leave him to his "But I couldn't say no because it was offered!" sexual exploration and live a genuine life---open to the love of a GOOD man.

Rugsweeping ABSOLUTELY precludes the emotional intimacy needed to sustain a marriage. Sure, you can stay married with tons of shit under the rug---I did, and I didn't even realize it, not all the way. Oh, I felt a disconnect, but was pressured to refrain from talking about it. Things were "fine." Only, they weren't. The infidelity started early, and continued, with rare hiatus, for the 25 years we were together. I learned the extent of it about 24 years in.

It was soul-crushing.

You have a great benefit: you KNOW. You KNOW what you married, right away.

He is not showing you any intention of doing what is necessary to truly R.

I'd lay out your expectations for R--and watch carefully (for a finite period of time) to see how proactive he is at meeting them.

In the meantime, I'd do the 180, HARD.

And if he doesn't step up to the plate, I'd file.

Life is too short to waste on fucked up assholes.

ETA: Sweetheart, it's 2013, and you've been married. It's okay that you're not a virgin. There's not a man on the planet who'd consider you "damaged goods." Don't make things harder on yourself by creating elaborate mythology in your mind. Life's hard enough without complicating it with stories you tell yourself. Tell yourself the TRUTH. You are married to a man who values you far less than you deserve. The longer you tolerate this, the more damaged you'll become. It's not his penis that did you in, honey. It's the rest of the garbage.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:54 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8539 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I'm sorry, Cheerio. Yes, this happened to me and after much going on, still nearly ExH expects trust out of me.

He has actually said, and I quote: "I have no agenda now! (sarcasm on the "now".) He also gives me sh if I say that I don't trust him or show it and is absolutely appalled.

I'm truly sorry for your hard times and hope you won't put up with anymore, but it's some very hard things to choose.

Your story has similarities to mine, where it was only I who was trying to R, while he was out soliciting other women. We were married about 20 years.

I don't want to get longer and hope that you will be able to make some good choices for yourself.

It might be hard to hear, as it was for me, that this man does not respect your or your relationship with him. He may not respect the other women, either, if that's any comfort-for me it was a little so I will mention it.

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a spot and hope again that it will be over, one way or the other, soon.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Wow. He is a piece of work. He is punishing you for his affair!! Do not tolerate that for a minute. You did NOTHING wrong but love and marry him and he has been cheating on you since then and essentially is telling you that it really isn't you that he wants, but since you are married, you might as well stick it out.
You have every right to be angry, furious, and he has absolutely no right to tell you not to be.
He is deep in the FOG and will stay there as long as you let him.
If he loves you, then he will snap out of it if he thinks he is losing you, and if he doesn't, then you are far better off without him. He will give you nothing but pain.
See an attorney, let him know you have, start a hard 180, and if he starts to come around, give him a non-negotiable list of requirements for attempting reconcilliation.

All passwords, access to all phones, computers, tablets, etc.

No, absolutely no contact with AP.

Counseling for him, you, and both of you together.

Complete transparency. Period.

So sorry you have to be here, but you will get support, advice, and love.
Hugs. K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think my primary issue with leaving is because I gave my virginity to this man. I waited until marriage so it could be special and it's just...not and that hurts so bad because now I'm damaged goods and if I ever get out of this marriage no one will want me because I've already been used.

You are a human being. You are not a product or piece of merchandise. You cannot be "damaged goods" because you are a human being. You have value far above your hymen or sexual activity status. To describe yourself as undesirable or unworthy because you've been "used" is not logical. People don't become impure because they have sex. Please don't make virginity an idol like that. Idol worship, eg virginity worship, is not healthy.

Don't let another person or group emotionally manipulate you into thinking you must stay with a cheater because of your sexual activity status.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9493 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

LEAVE. HIM. NOW.

You have nothing to lose and your whole life ahead of you. He is a jerk and a user and a liar.

Be glad you found out so fast. Leave him.
Get on with your life. Don't waste another minute on this POS.

Good luck .


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
MystiKay
Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Weather you stay or go, don't rugsweep. I did and there wasn't even a day between both women. He was mad i caught him so he started talking to someone he knew i hated.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Take care of yourself!!! Post as much as you need to, we are here.


Posts: 281 | Registered: Aug 2012
sohowamI
Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Sweetheart, you are a [very] young woman with her whole life ahead of her. This 'man' will never change. HE is damaged. Not you. You need to cut and run now and not to stay with someone who has treated you so shabbily from day one.

A man who cheats on his brand new wife within the first week of their marriage has no concept of moral values; he has no moral compass and it's unlikely that he's going to embrace one.

The concept of 'damaged goods' because you are no longer a virgin is completely and utterly outdated - unless, of course, you are an orthodox religionist - and even then... No one would blame you to ditch this person. He's unfaithful, disloyal, untrustworthy and a liar. What's his appeal?


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

"Damaged Goods" Really?
Take a step back and look at this without emotion, and how you would view someone else in your position.

It is quite admirable that you saved yourself for your Husband. Many people do, but it is less common these days. The whole idea about saving yourself, is about the level of commitment that should be in place prior to sharing something so special and intimate. This means that if you choose to leave, that you can make that same choice again. When you find someone you really love, and that person really loves you back, and treats you with the love and respect you deserve (not what you are getting now) you can choose to share yourself with him. He isn't going to give to rips that your aren't a virgin. He is going to care that he treats you well, and that it is special, and that you enjoy it, and it feels good.

I am guessing by the information you have shared about your spouse that he is not focusing on your pleasure when you are intimate. If I'm wrong, please feel free to set me straight, but somone this self involved, and controlling, probably doesn't have the first clue how to put someone elses needs first.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8145 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

The chances of this being a ONS are slim. The chances that he has stopped cheating on you are slim to none. I'm sorry but he has shown you who he is. Believe him.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8807 | Registered: Jan 2008
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I have a DD who is very close to your age,so Im going to give you the advice I would give her.

You are young. And have the rest of your life ahead of you. You love the image you had of this man..but the man he is showing you today,is who he is. You don't want to spend the rest of your life worrying that he will do this again..and he will. This time is devastating. A second dday will shatter you. The longer you stay with an unremorseful WS,the more it will change who you are. It will cost you..emotionally and mentally..and when/if he brings home at STD it may rob you of the ability to have children..or kill you.

He hasn't been committed to you. And I would bet that he has a long history of cheating on you.

Run. Don't allow this boy screw up the rest of your life.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7298 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I concur with advice given by Tush and Confused615.

To borrow the title of the book and movie, "He's not that into you."

You've been holding onto him too long, and you should have been done and gone the minute you began to suspect you were "second place," because he was no doubt in subtle ways making SURE you felt second place with eye contact with her or in other ways. Drop both of them, and you may have to cut free of that whole crowd. They're both bad people - your husband, your ex friend. Him, for seeing her after his wedding day (and probably before, when you didn't know it) and her for criticizing YOU for not letting her date your boyfriend before you married him and she slept with him? What kind of monstrous piece of work is she to write that, after having slept with the bridegroom the day after his wedding. Screw that beyotch. Oh.. right... your husband already did. So leave him now - it doesn't matter that you love him and want him, any more than it matters that an addict might love cocaine when they must stop and walk away from that bad thing.
Tell him you are soooo outta there and away from that twisted little "Cruel Intentions"/"Dangerous Liasons" kind of sick game.

Then be brave enough not to stay to wait around for his reaction hoping he will declare undying love and beg forgiveness. WALK OUT OF THERE. Also, notice your friend told you your husband "wasn't doing well" when you left. Are you sure about that? Most cheaters get all sadface to make friends feel sorry for them rather than criticize or dislike them for their bad behavior. Sympathy for the devil attempt. Not sincere. Or was your friend enjoying the drama, wanted to see you return to amp it up for pleasure of watching the fireworks? Or just saying that to make you feel better when maybe your husband was doing well - in fact, doing everyone, when you were away?

Walk. NEVER take his calls again for the rest of your life except over legal stuff required, and file tax separately if you're in U.S., because chances are he lies about everything financially, too, and you don't want the IRS to come audit you. Walk out cleanly. Liars lie.

See a lawyer about an annulment or divorce. He keeps other women on a string - your friend and his former FWB - is not remorseful and will likely continue to do this for the rest of his life unless he has a religious epiphany or something similar.

Seeing you walk out hasn't changed him a bit. He's hiding his phone, so the risk of losing you hasn't changed his player status. He just loses more respect for you and treats you more like some hanger-on girlfriend who will do for now, as he looks for someone "better," than like a cherished wife. You are already better than him or anyone he knows.

Wipe that slate clean. If you're embarrassed the marriage lasted such a short time, then either tell the truth and your family will understand. Or keep quiet for some time, move to a third city, preferably getting a job in a place you've always thought would be a great place to live, and let them know a year from now when the divorce of annulment is final and you've healed a bit.

If he doesn't care all that much about you during the most romantic and sexual intense stage of a relationship, then he's incapable of it. Notice that not only did he cheat on you, he's cheating on the friend he cheated on you with when he added the FWB to his flirtation rotation.

It's best to hurt a year than 20 years.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:00 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

now I'm damaged goods and if I ever get out of this marriage no one will want me because I've already been used

Sweetie, he is the damaged goods. He is the one who broke your vows one day after your wedding.

This isn't the 17th century.
You are 21 years old and because you are no longer a virgin does not make you damaged goods.

Stop being the victim to his manipulative, controlling, egotistical ways. He is using you in any shape or form he wishes. And you are allowing it.

You owe him nothing. He has continually beat you down, humiliated you and is now telling you to "get over it"

GET OVER HIM

I suspect that he cheated on you when you dated and he will cheat again. Buying gifts is not remorse. It is manipulation.

Please go to the healing library in the upper right hand corner and read, read, read.

Stand up and be strong. You are young and have the whole world in front of you.

Get your marriage annulled based on false intent. His sleeping with someone else the day after your wedding proves this and chalk it up to a hellva lesson.

But get out now. He is NOT going to change.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Shocked  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Oh wow, thank you all for your responses and support! I did not think I would get many replies as we have not been married as long as others on this site and figured our situation was trivial in comparison.

You have a great benefit: you KNOW. You KNOW what you married, right away.

He is not showing you any intention of doing what is necessary to truly R.

Solus this is very spot on. I'm not sure what he considers R but he feels like he's been doing a fantastic job of treating me well and that he's been good. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy because whenever I am triggered he tells me I throw what happened in the past in his face after how hard he has been trying. I just wish I'd known what he was capable of before I got too deeply involved with him.

It might be hard to hear, as it was for me, that this man does not respect your or your relationship with him. He may not respect the other women, either, if that's any comfort-for me it was a little so I will mention it.

This is probably very true, Ashland. I think its easy for him to disrespect me and this relationship so easily because I have shown to have no respect for myself. Thank you for your support and kind words.

All passwords, access to all phones, computers, tablets, etc.

No, absolutely no contact with AP.

Counseling for him, you, and both of you together.

Complete transparency. Period.

K that is very good advise and an awesome outline for a game plan. When I initially took that time to myself to come up with a game plan this was in the cards. When I told him I would need complete transparency he said he didn't even know what that was/meant! Earlier last week he told me that I can't keep taking my anger out on him by making little snide remarks about the affair and that I had to find another way to deal with my emotions. I asked him to help me find another avenue to express my emotions and he said he didn't have any ideas so I told him I would take care of it. I found this site and decided not to tell him and when he asked about how I was controlling my emotions I told him that I would not be telling him, that it was incredibly personal and I didn't want to share. You know what he said? He said: I THOUGHT YOU WANTED COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY BUT YOU WONT COMPLY TO YOUR OWN RULES! It made me so angry.

You have value far above your hymen or sexual activity status.

Thank you, Nature_Girl. Sometimes it's easy to forget. I just needed my first time to mean something to me only to find out that it didn't. I can't even remember it because every time I try to think about him movies of him and her together pop up in my head.

What's his appeal?

Sohowam that is a very good question. Everyday I make a list of the pros and cons of staying in a relationship with him and every day the pro side has gotten shorter until now all it contains is "I love him". But I realized that in loving him I leave no room to love myself.

I am guessing by the information you have shared about your spouse that he is not focusing on your pleasure when you are intimate

Tushnurse, this has a bit of truth in it. He enjoys pleasuring me and I liked the closeness of the act but otherwise got nothing from it. A few days after his confession I found I couldn't keep my hands off of him and it made me sick to my stomach every time after we were done. I ended up getting BV for the very first time in my life (that I know of/that showed symptoms) and it was very embarrassing and painful and he took the lack of intimacy quite hard. Even after I got better I declined to do anything sexual with him as I've found I'm not even attracted to him anymore. After my week of NC I told him that it would be a long time before I ever wanted to be intimate with him again and he told me that he would not accept that and he would leave if I didn't.

I married a monster.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I just needed my first time to mean something to me only to find out that it didn't.

It did mean something to you, though. It meant something.

When I made my marriage vows I meant them. Those words meant something to me. That they meant nothing to STBX doesn't change the fact that *I* meant those words.

Hon, my STBX was involved with an EA (at the least) in our first year of marriage. I wish with all my heart that I'd divorced him when I found out, and I found out only a few months into the marriage. I wish, I wish, I wish I'd divorced him then, BEFORE we bought a house, BEFORE we comingled all our money, BEFORE we had kids, BEFORE I left Corporate America to start my own business/be a SAHM mom.

You have been given a tremendous gift, the gift of knowledge.

Use it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9493 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I had issues early on (sexting, porn, horrible boundaries w other women) 6 years later, boy was I kicking my butt for rugsweeping everything. DO NOT RUGSWEEP this early on especially...he couldnt have been bored or realized he was unhappy, you were just married for goodness sakes! NO REMORSE equals no security this wont happen again soon, if its not still going on. If there are no kids, run away and do not look back. Do not waste your time and efforts building with a bomb...they will simply ruin everyting and leave you in a heap over and over. Im 26, I was pregnant when I caught the 1st issues and I just expressed anger and he didnt want to fix so I pushed forward making my career and my family and now I just sit back asking why I wasted my time building a family with nobody. Staying as long as I can so the baby can at least see what a normalish family is...waiting for the next exposion.
DONT BE ME.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I agree to not rugsweep. I did it, and my anger only increased as time went on.

My Wbf said a lot of the same things that your WH is saying to you. It makes me mad just reading your post, because I've been in your shoes.

I had an IC session today where we discussed boundaries. What boundaries can I (and you) put on our WS after an A? What is fair, and what is not fair? And then, I'm having the same problem as you in that my Wbf wants to put those same boundaries on me (like reading the forum, or me stopping to talk to some same sex friends that he doesn't like) even though I'm NOT the one that cheated. Anyway... she pointed out to me that there should be boundaries after an A. But that the boundaries have to be created because the WS wants the boundaries, not because the BS forces them. If the WS does not want the boundaries (or to do the hard work for R), nothing the BS says or does is going to make a difference. Technically, you can be the WS's mother and enforce boundaries. But that won't work long term. You can't force him to do stuff, he has to want to.

Listening to that really helped me today. At first, I kept telling IC that he had an A so he should have to deal with my boundaries. Something she said just clicked with me though, and I realized that boundaries won't fix anything if he's not motivated and wants to change himself.

I stay away from giving advice to leave the M, because I haven't been able to leave myself. It's very hard to walk away. But please know that it's going to get harder at first. You're so young. I know you love him. And love is important. But this stuff is hard to get through.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 3:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Sad  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

UPDATE: Packed a bag this evening after I returned from classes. He was still at work and I dropped my things off at my parents' home before returning to our own and waiting on him. He walked in with a weird mood and one worded me all the way to the bedroom. Don't know what's the matter with him but I let him know I needed to talk to him. An hour later he had still not come out of the room and I went in there to find the video game and computer monitor on with him sitting on the bed staring blankly at the wall. I asked if everything was okay and he said yeah but he was feeling in a really apathetic mood.

I said i needed to talk to him and he sighed and said, "is it more questions like last night" (Last night I was asking him about OW/ex friend again). I said yes and no, I don't want to talk about your affairs but something else. He gave me an irritated look and said, "The second one wasn't even cheating. People talking about sex they had a long time ago is not an affair. That's the type of friendship I have with that girl and nobody thinks that is cheating." I think differently but I just told him I wouldn't be staying in our home for the night and wasn't sure when I would be back or if I would be back. He gave me this really tired look and said okay and just lay down in bed and I left.

Thank you Callmecrazy and LonelyGirl for your replies! I too have gotten really resentful and enraged more and more everyday. It's getting harder to control my outbursts.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

So proud of you. Good for you for standing your ground and taking control of your path going forward.

We all realize it is not easy but it is so worth it.

People talking about sex they had a long time ago is not an affair. That's the type of friendship I have with that girl and nobody thinks that is cheating

He still doesn't get it. Yes, talking with anyone about sex other than your spouse is cheating. Ex or not.

Stay strong and count your blessings. You deserve better.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Thank you Faith! I am trying to stay strong but I feel like one mean word will shatter my facade.

Can I ask you all something? Because this has been bothering me a lot. DDay wass in mid February and DDay two (when I found the sext messages) was last month. They were dated March 19. He swears on everything that they are not considered cheating to anybody. Take a look:

Him: yeah, I told her but I am not sure now if she will stay
Her: oh yeah? sucks
Him: if she did I would hit [ow] it again. she swallowed. I remember when you did that that one time :)
Her: haha! you liked that a lot, huh?
Him: yeah I did...

Thoughts?

They were sent on March 19th, the day we went out to a movie to try and spend sometime together and OW called during the film. I cant even describe the feelings that rushed through me when I found those texts and he yelled at me for being a snoop and I apologized for looking through his things but he kept saying nothing happened with her and that they were just friends that talked to each other that way. He said that there had been things said between them much worse than what I'd found but it still wasn't cheating.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Hi Cheerio,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but at the same time, I'm glad for you that you found out so soon!! You have a chance to get away from him and start a new life without having to drag any residual "him" with you...it will be much easier for you to get away from him, as you won't have guilt feelings from breaking up a home with children. NOW is the time to end it...he has proven who he is...he will not STOP CHEATING and will only bring you misery...D him and never speak to him again. You will be happier.

His texts sound sexual...disgusting talk with someone who is not his own W. He does not respect you, nor does he respect whoever he was texting. She is trash...get them both out of your life.

((((cheerio)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

He is a lying self centered minimalizing fence sitting rugsweeping pos.

You deserve much more than that level of disrespect. You deserve to put on a pedestal and treated like a queen. If you accept this, his manipulations and rugsweeping you will never feel safe, and the likelihood of him repeating this behavior is about 100000000%

I'm so sorry that you are going through this but it's really a blessing that you have discovered this so early on.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8145 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

A married man should NOT, repeat, should not!, talk to another woman in that way. A married man should not dredge up sexual memories with old girlfriends. My STBX did just that very thing. And now he's my STBX.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9493 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Not only were those texts way out of line -- LISTEN to what he said in them!

If she (you) stays, I would hit it again...because she swallows??? Really? That's all it takes for him to break his vows!

Do not go back, please. You are so young, you have your whole life to find a decent man to treat you as you deserve to be treated.

He is going to start hounding you to come home. Please come here instead and talk to us.


Posts: 1389 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
spotoncheerio
New Member
Member # 39898
Frustrated  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

UPDATE 2: Just had the worst phone conversation of ever with the man I love the most in this world and who has hurt me more than anything. He called me about two hours ago to ask what was up and when I would be back. I wrote out a list of questions for him that I came up with that would determine whether or not our relationship was worth salvaging. He got very upset and said I was always asking about the affair and it's been four months and I should just let it go. I told him I needed complete transparency with his email, phone, facebook etc. and he said no and that he would resent me if he gave them to me. He feels like I have no right to invade his privacy and I should trust him because he says he's not doing shady stuff and he isn't. I said he's done nothing to fix our relationship and he said he didn't know what to do. I yelled "Look it the fuck up"! and he got quiet and said he didn't know what I expected him to do.

So I told him I was done

I told him I was done and that I was filing for divorce/petitioning for annulment. He was in shock at first, really quiet and kept using phrases like "If you were going to leave me". He started to get really upset and I started to cry. I asked him what it was about this marriage and me that he loved and he said he was never comfortable answering that type of question but then turned around and asked me. I told him I loved him because of the color of his eyes, the shape of his smile, the sound of his voice, the way he inspired me to be better, the way he made me feel safe, and how the way he looked at me made me feel like I was incredibly loved for today, yesterday, and tomorrow. He was speechless. I said I was too tired to try working on us anymore without any of his help and he began to scramble to find ways to make our relationship better. I declined all of his suggestions and he hung up the phone.

Then he called right back.

He called back and plead with me to stay. Promised to be a better husband and person. Said that I had made him better (yeesh, I hope I don't have this effect on people that I would make them cheat on their spouses) and that he has never loved anything as much as he loved me. Tole me all the reasons he loved me, which were wraiths and shadows of the EXACT words I said. Said he was going to figure everything out and give me whatever access I wanted and do whatever it took to keep me. He begged for the better part of an hour while I kept saying gently, "No...No...I'm sorry, I can't...No...I'm not doing this anymore...You cheated on me, I will never forgive you for this...Let this go...No.."

Then he started to have a meltdown, crying incredibly loud. Told me through tears that he had to go because he didn't want to have me hear it over the phone and he hung up.

Now I feel so sad and lonely, tired and in emotional and physical pain (where in the world did this headache come from?) and all I want to do is rush home and gather him in my arms and comfort him. But I also feel lighter, as if a great weight has been removed from my shoulders. He asked if we would go NC and if I would block him and I said I wouldn't block him but I would not be trying to contact him. I'm very afraid he will harm himself in some way. Though that worry is unfounded as he's never done anything of the sort before (although he did punch through a wall once when we were arguing). I've just never heard him so broken...

And now I'm so tired I think I will just go to bed. Thank you all for your kindness, advise, motivation, and support. You all have been a bigger help than you can ever imagine.

Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.


Me: 21
WH: 23
6 months married, Two and a half years together
DDay 1: Mid February
OW1: Ex friend
DD 2: Mid June
OW2: His ex fwb
Status: Petitioning for annulment of marriage

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: U.S.
hardtotake
Member
Member # 38172
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry for your pain and everything your so-called husband is putting you through. In your situation I have to agree with tushnurse. Your WH is an immature SOB and will continue to hurt you. You deserve better.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Married 13 yrs., together 17.
D-Day #1: 1/2006 (EA)
D-Day #2: 1/2013 (PA/EA)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: DFW
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

It will not be easy for you to stay away but the longer you do the easier it will get. He is not good for you. He is not making you a better person. You said it yourself, you feel like damaged goods. If you feel that way now, imagine how damaged you will feel if you give in and go back. He is a controlling, manipulative, unfaithful, abuser. His behavior is emotional abuse. If you go back, it might be better for a little while, until he has you sucked in again and then the abuse will escalate again.

You are so, so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Learn from your mistakes. Do not find yourself having children with a man like this. It happens to women all the time. Don't be another victim. Walk away and be proud that you did not continue to tolerate abuse. Take your life back. Take the long wonderful future you had ahead of you back.

Keep posting here and let us cheer you on. If you slip, let us know and let us help you stand back up again. It is too late for a lot of us to have have this kind of reboot. You get a reboot, almost as if it never happened. The experience will change you but not as much as continuing this relationship will change you.

And his not so veiled threat to do something stupid is typical of controlling, manipulative abusers. If he does do something stupid, that's his choice and more proof, you are better off without his kind of crazy in our life. He's already done enough damage to your life. The only thing he is right about is that you need to move on... You just need to move on without him.

Just so you know, it is rare for people at SI to tell people to RUN. But, I am saying just that.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Bravo! You did exactly the right thing. You have enforced your boundries and trust me this will be for the very best down the road.

Now don't waver. At all. Believe it or not you finally got the upper hand in this crazy game of infidelity that you did not ask to join....and now YOU make the demands and the choices. If they are not met? You drop out of the game.

The reason why? Because if he does not give you absolutely 100% of what you are asking for? He wasn't going to do it anyway.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I admire you. I've been in that conversation several times now, and I always give in when he starts making the promises and crying. I'm not strong enough. But you are strong enough. You stood up for yourself. Be proud of yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain. ((((((hugs)))))))


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I admire you. I've been in that conversation several times now, and I always give in when he starts making the promises and crying. I'm not strong enough. But you are strong enough. You stood up for yourself. Be proud of yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain. ((((((hugs)))))))


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry that you are hurting but you did the right thing even if it hurts like hell.

You can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself and not just because he is scared because he truly wants to change and be a better man. He isn't close to having that amount or level of humility.

The text you posted shows he is an egotistical person who is only concerned about his self gratification.

I loved your comment when you said look it up. Exactly. Tell him to google "how to help your wife heal from your affair" - he will get several links.

He is making no effort because he hasn't had to.

It is now time for him to grow up. He doesn't understand what a small, terrible human being he is. To cheat the day after your wedding, really? And he thinks you just need to get over it? Mind blowing.

Stay strong. It is hard but it is the right thing to do.

We are here for you. We care.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

When I ask him his reason simply is, "I just wanted to do it because I would never be with another woman again".

Some logic there (not). Guess that means you were entitled to run out and do it too? Bet you never got that memo.

Just wanted to reach out and let you know to keep being strong. It is hard as heck sometimes but YOU CAN DO THIS.

I remember when I was very new on here and thinking I would never make it through, sometimes I would go and lurk around the NB forum just so I could get a glimmer of hope from people who survived (and thrilled).

The validation I got on this board early on was SOOO instrumental in my process. Just having someone to listen to your story and give you a rational reply helps offset all their smoke-blowing BS.

Hugs!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2052 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Topic Posts: 43