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New Beginnings
User Topic: Asking for what you want
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Question  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

It sounds so simple, so why is it so challenging?
If your needs were ignored and you spent time meeting everyone else's, then now in NB you are making effort be kinder to yourself. One of those things includes being happier by asking for your needs to be met by asking for what you want. What are your best tips for asking for what you want? It can be in work, romance, sex, friendships, etc.
I've read so much self help yet it's not always easy to glean the useful tools.
What if you aren't sure what you want?

Thank you.


Posts: 4610 | Registered: Dec 2009
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I have avoid saying
'you're doing it wrong' and instead 'I like it when...' or ' could you do XXX'. 'I need help on Saturday with ____. Are you free?'

Simple direct request for someone to meet your need. No guilt or hurt feelings if they tell you no. You can decide if their denial is significant or legit or negative or even positive. Sometimes hearing someone say 'no' can also say good things about them.

Its taken me a long time with TG to learn not to be afraid to ask for what I need in the relationship. Recent examples from my relationship: "could you help me put up the shelter for the horses?" TG- "no, my back is hurting really badly today. lets try for next weekend if my back is better."

Now I have some choices - 1) accept his counter proposal and appreciate his offer 2) get pissy b/c I'm not getting what I want when I want it 3) find someone else to help and ask them to meet my need. Obviously #2 is not an option

Situation number 2 Me: "That was kind of snarky. Please don't talk to me like that" TG - "you're right. I'm sorry. I'm really out of sorts because of this whole XXX situation today. That's not your fault. I didn't mean to take it out on you"

I can continue to be pissed and bitchy b/c he was a jerk, look for bad in everything he says and make the day miserable... Or I can accept his apology and believe him that he won't do it again. He is seldom like this, so I trust that I was heard and it won't happen again. I spoke up and told him how I felt about his behavior and what I needed. Problem solved. Rest of the day went just fine.

Part of the are of getting your needs met is asking directly. The other part is recognizing when someone is trying to meet them.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

You start by being in touch with your needs.

Then you level up to staying in touch with your needs when interacting with others.

Finally you level up by staying in touch with your needs when interacting with people you deelply care for and are shit scared to lose.

The asking part will take care of itself. And when you start, the benefits will encourage you to speak up again... you'll feel in control of your life, of your well being. You won't want to give that up.

It took me a lot of IC to reach that point... Like a lot of people, I wasn't always heard as a child.

All I can tell is once I've started, there was no turning back. It felt like my lion heart had woken up. I could speak up clearly and respectfully for myself without drama, bursting, etc. I couldn't shut up anymore because I felt it. I felt the connexion with my own heart. I finally felt safe no matter the outcome. I felt the urgency - life is simply too short not to ask for what you deeply need.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 7:15 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Part of the are of getting your needs met is asking directly. The other part is recognizing when someone is trying to meet them.

YES!!!

If you aren't sure what you want, don't expect your partner to be able to guess or fill in the blanks. Just be honest!


Posts: 525 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think you first listen to that uncomfortable feeling. Then figure out what bothers you and then figure out a solution.

I think if it is important to you approach the person directly and share how you feel and say exact moments you felt that way. Give the other person the chance to say their view (listening is really hard but try). You don't have to agree but decide if this person based upon their reaction is someone you care to be friends or more with. Then say next time I suggest XYZ and ask for additional suggestions.

I think asking for what you want is important because resentment can build but also the reaction is key and can tell you a lot about the person.


Posts: 673 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 5